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Music. Movies. Books.

Songs. Stories.

We love them. Enjoy them. Remember them.

I’m not a fan of the musical, but there are 2 that I love – and have owned on DVD for years. Paint Your Wagon with Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin. A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum with Zero Mostel and Phil Silvers. Both are funny. Both make me smile. That makes them memorable for me.

Music is a much bigger player in my life. Lyrics and harmonies are the focal points for me. Songwriters have long exclaimed that most songs are about some sort of love. Often about lost love. Heartbreak and heartache. But these are audience consumables. We’re watching a movie. Listening to a song. Reading a book. Reaching a big audience doesn’t always rely on relatability, as evidenced by this past weekend with the release of the movie, Avengers: Infinity War. The film was produced for about $320 million and this past weekend – that’s right WEEKEND – it grossed over $640 million. I’ve not seen it, but I know it’s about superheroes. I don’t know any superheroes so I know it’s not relatable like that, but clearly millions of people love the fictional stories of superheroes.

We’re being entertained. And it’s fine. Better than fine really because I suppose it gives us the break from reality that helps us cope better with ours. All in moderation of course.

But then there are more personal stories shared by others that really impact us. Not like the temporary smiles provided by a movie like Support Your Local Gunfighter with James Garner (another favorite of mine). I even use it as my Twitter and Facebook header image because it makes me smile. I’m talking about something deeper. More impactful. Longer lasting. A real connection.

There’s a guy I follow named Bryan Elliott. He produces a web series, Behind The Brand. I don’t know Bryan personally, but I like him. He’s earned my attention. Back in February, he posted a little segment of a longer interview he did with Seth Godin. It’s about 9 minutes and it perfectly illustrates the title of today’s episode. You need to watch it.

Bryan tells Seth that during their first interview back in 2009 Seth gave him the best advice. Seth didn’t remember giving it to him, but it was pretty good stuff.

Bryan shared the story of his pain as an adopted boy. Grateful and thankful for the family who adopted him and loved him, Bryan grew up with the urge to find his real mother. He had questions and was desperate for answers. It’s a very touching story best heard directly from Bryan. So go watch the video of him telling it. I promise you’ll be moved. It just might make you a fan, even if you’ve never heard of him before.

Why?

Because you can’t hear him, or watch him and avoid thinking, “He’s real. I can relate.”

I’m not adopted. I know my parents. I knew my grandparents. But back in February when I first watched the interview Bryan did with Seth, I was moved by his story. Yes, I was already following him, but the connection grew deeper for me. Bryan showed me something I hadn’t seen before. He opened himself up and became vulnerable.

It’s all this hard stuff – our pain, our suffering, our heartache – that forges strong connections. I say hard stuff because it’s hard for people to share all that. We’re prone to hide. To make sure we look good. And sound good. Proving to the world, and fooling ourselves, that we’ve got it all together. But we don’t. Deep down we all know it, but there’s just enough doubt to make us think, “I’m such a failure. Look at them!”

What we care about. That’s the deal. Self-preservation. Putting on the front so others think well of us. It’s inside most of us. Society has conditioned us. We’ve spent years looking at people who seem better, smarter, better looking, more talented, more successful than we are. We have to do what we have to do to show we’re at least trying to keep up. That we belong

Question: To what are we trying to belong?

The fraternity of other frauds? A group of people who are behaving just like us, pretenders?

Question: Who are we trying to fool? And why?

Everybody. I get it. We want to fool everybody. Maybe most of all, we want to fool ourselves. And there’s the danger. Self-delusion.

The irony of it all is that the thing we most seek – connection with others – is foiled by our behavior. Hiding ruins it. Courage fosters it.

The paradox is that showing our underwear (my metaphor for letting others see our pain) promotes easy connection with others. And that takes courage because it feels like weakness. Fear takes over, forcing us to rationalize that if we let anybody see us sweat, then they’ll know we’re not as great as we want them to think we are. We’re afraid people will think less of us.

You know the truth? People aren’t thinking about us anyway. They’re busying thinking about their own lives. They’re wrapped up in their pain, suffering, and heartache. Sure, they’re also wrapped up in their success, accomplishment, and happiness (or their ongoing quest for it all). You don’t think so? Take a moment and think about yourself. In the last hour, have you thought about anybody more than you’ve thought about yourself – your own life? The stuff going on in your life?

Well, there you go!

We’ve conned ourselves into thinking that hiding is better. That it serves us well. But it never does. And it ruins our ability to connect because we’re just another lemming in the sea working hard to make sure the other lemmings see no difference. Meanwhile, we’re all living secret lives of desperation. Here’s my copy if a classic book I’ve had since 1988, “Quiet Desperation: The Truth About Successful Men” by Jan Halper, Ph.D. That quote on the cover is by leadership expert Jim Kouzes, who at the time was the President of The Tom Peters Group. Here’s what he wrote about this book, “Explodes the myth of business as a totally rational process…a compelling and ultimately uplifting book about how men feel.”

The title of the book is taken from a Thoreau quote,

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

The book began in the late 1970’s as a study to develop a management training program that could deliver a better leadership style. Over the course of conducting many conversations with successful men, the author discovered men talking about things they didn’t reveal to anybody else. They talked about their relationships, marriages, careers, fears, and dreams. They opened up, revealing themselves. Along the way, they shared why it was so hard to show up that way with their peers, spouses, and friends. They were reluctant to share, but each proved desperate to change but didn’t know how. They weren’t just executives. They were men. Humans. People dreaming, even desiring, to change. But stuck in their fear to operate any differently than they had in the past.

For the first time in my life, I feel like my professional life, my personal life and my spiritual life are falling into alignment better than they ever have before. I don’t mean to say that up to now my life has been all these multiple, incongruent buckets of activity and philosophy. But never before has all my energy, thought and actions been more perfectly aligned where it feels like one path is pretty parallel to the other lanes of my life. It’s a good feeling. To be living more open, authentic to who and what I really am – and more importantly, to be a better version of myself. The goal hasn’t changed…to become better every day.

When I first read the book, I had no idea that 30 years later I’d be embarking on a new professional journey to help business owners – not just men – overcome this very thing. That’s what The Peer Advantage by Bula Network is all about – a professional peer advisory group designed to serve small business owners operating businesses in the $10-50 million range. If you’re a small business owner or know somebody who is – and you care about your growth as a business leader and a person, then I’m going to invite you to check it out (and at least have a free conversation with me to see if it’s something suitable for us to work together).

It’s fascinating when the desperation that has been quiet for so long comes out. Like Bryan Elliott’s. For some reason, at that moment sitting with Seth Godin, he was compelled to open up about it. He decided to go with his heart instead of his head. To lean into his emotional space instead of his fears. My guess – and it’s strictly a guess based on how we all behave as humans – is that he just up and decided. If he’d thought too much about it, he probably would have talked himself out of it. Fear would have ruled the moment instead of brutal honesty.

Let’s clarify and differentiate complaining and whining from letting down our fear-based guard to share our pain. One is selfish. The other is genuine. They’re not kin to each other. Not even close. So don’t confuse yourself or try to confuse others, hoping they’ll accept your moaning for being authentically candid.

Too many people embrace being a victim. Because it feels good believing it’s not our fault. Short-term salve doesn’t heal though. It just makes us feel better in the moment. And actually furthers the damage.

People who enter a room with a moan often tickle me. They don’t mean to. They’re hoping I’ll feel bad for them. Instead, I feel bad for myself having to hear them sigh. “Oh, your poor, poor person!” That’s what they’re going for. And they get it. It doesn’t help them though.

Any attention will do. It’s a habit. A sick, bad, destructive habit.

I’m not talking about that.

I’m talking about reaching a spot where we allow our heart to let go of the pent-up pain. A place where we’re brave enough to embrace our humanity. Where we feel confident enough and brave enough to let others know about our struggles. Our pain. Our suffering.

At that moment – in that very instance – we’re connected to such people more than to that expert or guru who tells us how together they are. Those folks spewing all the advice, telling us what we should do, and what we shouldn’t do. Inadvertently (or maybe, advertently) robbing us of the experience to figure things out, own our own stuff and live our own lives without feeling like a victim.

But this isn’t about gurus. It’s about YOU. It’s about US. However ordinary or extraordinary we may be. It’s about all of us.

It’s about those of us who are financially wealthy and those of us who are financially strapped. It’s about those of us who are debt-free and those of us who are debt-laden. It’s about those of us who are single and those of us who are married. It’s about those of us who lack any color and those of who have color. Any color. It’s about those of us with lots of letters behind our name indicating high achievement in education and those of us with not so much as G.E.D. behind ours.

Humanity has this in common. Not just pain, suffering, and heartache, but the bigger burden of fear.

False Evidence Appearing Real

Boy, does it appear real? In an upcoming episode of LTW, I plan to share some more insights about how our beliefs drive our lives. I’ve told you I’m reading a book about our minds – the way we think – impacts our life. We’re likely much more capable of controlling our destiny than we realize. And there’s no doubt in my mind that we can accomplish much more if we can simply find a way to believe it. Simple. But not easy to do. Or more people would do it.

Personality traits aren’t lost on me. Some people are shy and bashful. Others are open and loud. Still others are a bit of both. What’s easy for some, is crazy hard for others. I’m empathetic. I’m also open and candid if the circumstances allow it. I tend to let the game come to me. I’m not prone to force the game. I don’t judge folks who roll differently. We’re still all humans. Each of us fully capable of hiding, putting on a mask, hoping and wanting others to think we’re better than we really are. Overcoming those fears is individual to us. But the fears are universal.

Does it motivate you to fully understand that what we endure – the bad stuff – drives us to deeper connections? Is that not a good enough reward to consider finding safe spaces and spots where you can do it? Or do it more?

There’s two parts to this. Well, maybe more than two. There’s US. There’s THEM. The other people to whom we feel a deep connection.

Yesterday here in Dallas Jason Witten, the famed Dallas Cowboys’ tight end retired to join Monday Night Football. Fifteen years in the league, all of them as a Cowboy. Coach Bill Parcells drafted him in the 3rd round in 2003. By all accounts, he’s who we think he is. A genuinely good guy who mostly tries to do the right thing. Oh, and he’s a future Hall of Famer, too.

Like all retiring professional athletes, Witten said he’d mostly remember the moments with teammates. And he’ll miss the locker room, that band-of-brothers feeling going through the same struggles and pain with teammates.

The accolades are great. The winning, too. But the grind is memorable when we share the experience with others. Jason Witten’s life as a Dallas Cowboy likely includes a larger circle than mine, or yours, but we can still relate to the pain. I’ve never experienced the pain, suffering or heartache of a professional athlete, but Witten’s realness was always enhanced because we got to see him as “a guy.” Whenever the team would lose – which happened quite a lot over the last 15 years – Witten would be the guy stepping up to field hard questions by the press. Others would hide. He never did.

Reliable. Dependable. Honest. Durable.

It’s what we aspire to be ourselves. And it demonstrates that it doesn’t matter if you’re a multi-million dollar a year pro athlete or just some working schlub…the deep connections are with family and friends with whom you can safely share your pain. And the THEM matters because the people willing to view you as a safe person with whom to share their pain…they’re the ones drawn more deeply to you.

Laughs are terrific. Smiles, too. Good times. We need them. They add zest to our lives. But the growth and connection mostly occur when we’re grinding our way through or past adversity. And when we encounter somebody brave to enough to step out. Somebody with the courage to not hide their pain, fears, and failures.

What does this mean for you? I don’t know. Do with it as you please.

Do you want to focus on not hiding as much? On being less hypocritical? On being more open and pulling off the mask?

Do you want to shell down the adversity, challenges, and opportunities with somebody?

I hope you find value in the truth of what connects us to help you move away from the fear that may be standing in your way of embracing the shared pain where we can benefit each other. And where we can not make it just about ourselves, but about helping each other knowing that we’re all hurting in some way. Cue the R.E.M. song, “Everybody Hurts.”

Be well. Grow great. Lean toward wisdom.

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On April 21, 2018 former first lady Barbara Bush was laid to rest. She was 92, the wife of our 41st President and the mother of our 43rd. Two former Presidents, Barbara’s son, George W. and Obama shook hands with the clear aim being the consolation at the death of a mom. The photo dispells the very title of today’s show – the death of empathy. But not really.

Empathy, as a widespread, viral-like experience may not be dead, but she’s on life-support. Greater Good Magazine, produced by the University of California at Berkley, defines empathy like this…

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His name was Rocky. Like all Westies (he was a White West Highland Terrier; commonly called Westies) he’d cock his head when he was puzzled. You may be puzzled, too. I often am. Which is why I’m always asking questions. And I’m great at it – asking questions, that is. By the way, I lost Rocky a few years ago and he gave me quite a lot. I gave him a lot, too. In a word, love!

Today’s question is pretty stinking ancient, but it’s not as ancient as another question that is asked more, “What do you have to give me?” Flip it and let’s not think about ourselves from a “getting” perspective but from a “giving” perspective.

But let’s start with keeping score. I’m competitive, but I’m not a scorekeeper. I’m am blessed. Grateful.

I’m a baby boomer, born in an old-school era. Where kids could ride in the back of a pickup truck through town. And not be pulled over by cops.

I’m an American. A country with tremendous opportunities and freedoms.

I’m blessed with a ton of empathy. I was emotionally intelligent before I even knew that was a thing.

I’m an INFJ. Highly intuitive. Introversion (I), Intuition (N), Feeling (F), Judgment (J) — and it’s a blessing. I own it. Long ago I learned I might as well because I’m unable to change it.

I’m candid. And that’s a blessing, too.

I’m a speed freak. Okay, blessing and curse somewhat. No, much more a blessing.

Knowing who you are and how you have to roll isn’t keeping score. But there’s more.

You also have to know what you’re afraid of. We all have a ton of fear! Life has absolutely been terrific at teaching me that fear is THE culprit that spoils success. It paralyzes people. It gives people an excuse. Tons of them. It stops us before we even get started. And it’s almost always tied to somebody. Somebody close to us. Somebody we love. Somebody who may love us. Or may just say they do.

Fear causes us to hide. It feels safe, but it’s deceptive. Dangerous. It lulls us into behavior that wrecks any opportunities we have to achieve, grow and reach a higher capacity for our lives. Fear is a nasty, ridiculously effective enemy.

Why then would we wrap it around our shoulders like a comforter on a bitterly cold night?

Because it feels good. Sorta like eating half a dozen glazed donuts. Or one of those 2000 plus calorie concrete ice cream shakes from Sonic.

Because it seems like we’re convincing ourselves that we’re protecting ourselves. Operative word is, “seems.” Looks are sometimes deceiving.

What has this got to do with figuring out what we have to give? Everything.

Let’s look at this from your perspective. You’re no different than the rest of us. You want to be special. You want to feel like you’re valuable. To somebody. In some way.

That can fuel narcissism, an unhealthy focus thinking you’re all that and more — where you’re diluted thinking you’re somehow more special than everybody else. So you live your life intent on showing us the movie that is your life feigning interest in others only so you can get more attention for yourself. It’s all about you when you’re narcissistic. Let’s not likely you because you’re not paying me, or anybody else much attention if you’re really that self-centered. Unless you think there’s something we can do to shine a brighter light on you. And my little light runs on two AA batteries so I’m no help at all. 😉

You’re special. But you’re no more special than me, or anybody else. Do you really think we all have value? That we all have the potential to bring value to the world, in some way? Come on, be honest! That’s the problem with unfair, harsh judgment and prejudice. This has nothing to do with the actual value provided because clearly there are people who don’t provide value. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible for them. It just means, for some reason, they choose not to deliver. They decided not to give. Maybe they decided they’d just focus on taking. Too busy doing that to give anything of value to others. It happens.

It’s why people grow discontented. And suffer envy. Jealousy. It’s why you get sucked into measuring yourself by what’s going on with other people. In spite of the truth that what’s going on with them has no bearing on you and your life. Unless you let it. Which is stupid.

Your neighbor pulls a brand new Tesla into their driveway. Suddenly, you and your Toyota feel inferior. Like a failure. Just another instance of the dangers of comparing yourself to anybody else. Their Tesla has nothing to do with you…but suddenly it does. Because you let it. We need to stop it. And it’s hard. Really hard for some of us.

I get it. I’ve been there. I’m a baby boomer. We grew up chasing and pursuing it hard.

You know what I love about minimalism, the tiny house movement and all the talk about frugal living? Because they’re congruent with how I really see the world. Chasing materialism goes against everything I believe. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with owning a Tesla, or a Bentley if that’s what you want. Just leave me alone if I don’t follow you down that path. ‘Cause those don’t matter one whit to me. I love the margin that affordability offers. Enter my admiration for those things like minimalism.

That may not feel good to you. That’s fine. Just don’t gauge my life by your measuring stick. And don’t expect me to gauge my life the way you may gauge yours.

It’s freedom. It’s a start toward lowering your fears, too.

Your lifestyle holds you hostage. You “need” so much money. Well, you think so. Because you’ve got stuff. Your stuff owns you. And man is that a rotten place to be. Crowded, too.

Focus on yourself. Stop focusing so much on yourself. It’s the paradox of contradiction. The zig and the zag. The Yin and the Yang.

Besides regret, what are you afraid of?

Me?

I’m afraid of losing people who matter to me. Because I know that’s likely as I grow older.

Most of us have people-based fears. We don’t want to disappoint somebody. We want somebody’s approval. Or respect. It’s likely our parents or a spouse. But honestly, it’s like your neighbor’s Tesla. It’s got nothing to do with you, but it’s also got everything to do with you. It’s YOU. Not them.

We get things wrong in our own head, which is why I’m so fascinated by our brains and our minds. New flash: what you think matters! We’ve talked about that quite a lot here inside The Yellow Studio. For good reason. What we think and what we believe changes things. Changes everything.

Back in episode 5001 – the first episode of this new iteration of LTW – I talked about a book that I hadn’t yet read, “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One,” by Dr. Joe Dispenza. Well, I started reading that book last week. When I’m finished I’ll do a show about what I learned so you can learn it, too. But I’m far enough into it to confirm what we all know is THE difference maker. How we think and what we believe.

It’s so fundamentally valuable because it determines our actions. And how long we’ll stay with something to make it work. It’s the linchpin to our success. In anything.

That matters because it’s at the heart of today’s topic, the question – What do you have to give?

You may think you have nothing. You may even believe that. Well, then you’re right. Not technically, but practically. First, you have to find value in yourself so you can determine where you can provide value to others.

For instance, there are many things I’ve learned about myself. Things that are natural, normal and feel just right for me. Because that’s how they are in my life, I can discount them and think, “That’s not so special.” Wrong.

Yesterday news broke that Lindsey Buckingham was quitting Fleetwood Mac. They’re planning a new tour. Depending on the news report you choose to believe, he quit or was fired. In his place will be two guys I really like. Mike Campbell of The Heartbreakers, Tom Petty’s band. And Tim Finn of Crowded House. Frankly, neither of them will be able to pull off being Lindsey Buckingham in my opinion, but that’s 3 guitar players who are all insanely good guitarists. Put a guitar in their hands and you get magic. Put a guitar in my hands and you’ve got a big bag of nothing!

But put me in touch with somebody who trusts me and is willing to share their troubles, and I’m a rockstar. I thrive on deep conversations. I love them. I love being a shoulder people can lean on. I don’t shy away from it. It’s who I am.

Just because you’re good at something…and it comes easily and naturally to you doesn’t mean it’s not valuable. You have to get past that kind of faulty thinking. Mike Campbell is a killer guitar player. According to Tom Petty, when he first met Mike it was clear Mike was a natural. So because he’s a natural and it’s easy for him we don’t think he’s good? Wrong. We all bow to his prowess. He’s terrific. You are, too — at something!

The crux of it is to figure that out. And to think of our contribution. What we have to give!

Put that upfront. Not what you need. Not what you want to get. But what you want to DO. What you have to give. Something that is naturally easy for you that is valuable. Not necessarily in terms of money (but maybe). Something that other people likely already see in you. If you’re young, maybe they don’t yet see it, but you do. Or you suspect it’s what you’ve got to give.

Magical things start happening. We get less focused on ourselves and more focused on others. We increase our gratitude for what we’ve got, growing less focused on what we lack. Our energy is elevated as we’re doing what feels right, and natural for us. The more we do it, the better it gets. The more expansive things become.

It doesn’t have to be some “save the planet” type deal. It just has to be “save the moment” type deals. I can spend an hour or more on the phone listening to somebody’s troubles and ask some questions along the way to provoke deeper thought – and hopefully to help provide greater clarity – and I’m foolish enough to think I’m going to change somebody’s life (that’d be wonderful if it happened). I am practical enough to know that I’m very likely changing a moment though — and that’s what I have to give. And I’m good with the bigness of that.

You just gave me quite a few moments. I hope I changed them in a positive way for you. That was my goal all along!

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Jeremiah Denton died on the morning of March 28, 2014. He was 89. You never heard of him? I’m sorry to admit it, but neither had I. Today I’ve been reading about him in the news.

During the Viet Nam war, Denton, a US Navy flyer, was shot down in July 1965 and captured by the North Vietnamese. For 7.5 years he suffered as a POW under horrible conditions, including the famed “Hanoi Hilton.” In his book, When Hell Was In Session, he wrote…

In the early morning hours, I prayed that I could keep my sanity until they released me. I couldn’t even give in to their demands, because there were none. It was pure revenge.”

Denton suffered torture. During an interview in 1966 that his captors shot, he blinked the word T-O-R-T-U-R-E using morse code. The North Vietnamese were unaware, but the United States got the message loud and clear.

For 4 years he endured solitary confinement. As if being in a windowless, nasty, filthy cell wasn’t enough.

When the war ended he was released in February 1973. I’m now interested in reading his book because I have no idea how he endured this experience. I realize there were many other POW’s who made it out of Viet Nam alive. I also know there were countless who never made it home. In fact, for many years after the war ended, there was speculation that many POW’s were still being held illegally by the North Vietnamese. We may never know for certain.

I was just getting my driver’s license when Denton was released. I have vivid memories of the network news devoting almost all the newscast to the war. Walter Cronkite was far and away the most trusted news anchor in America during this time. Dan Rather and other notable journalists were in the field, providing us with daily reports.

And there were body counts. Those dreaded body counts. We were told how many Americans had died versus how many North Vietnamese had been killed. It was a gruesome, depressing time.

I was always fascinated by the Viet Nam war. I watched documentaries on it. Read books about it. It was the first unconventional war in that, the enemy didn’t always wear an identifiable uniform. So much to take in, but that’s not the point today. No, today the point is resilience. The point is determination. And hope. Survival.

How does a person under such duress press on day after day without losing hope? How did Jeremiah Denton and other POW’s survive the beatings and torture for such a long time? Did they use psychological tricks the rest of us don’t know? Were they endowed with some super-duper mental toughness that only a few of us possess?

For decades I’ve been fascinated by these things. It’s a bit like the pain level difference in people. Some can withstand tremendous pain and not think it’s that bad. Others can get a hangnail and whine as though they’re on the brink of death. What gives?

Mr. Denton’s story of survival brings to the forefront – just one more time – the power of enduring and grinding it out. Since I’m a business guy, one of my first thoughts when I read of his death, was how sometimes in our business pursuits we let the smallest obstacle foil our success. The minute we run into our first, “No!” we pack up our bags and quit, thinking that nobody is ever going to buy this.

Okay, we don’t all do that because if we did nobody would succeed. Clearly, the successful among us aren’t so easily defeated. But you know the successful are far fewer than those who fail. Does the 80/20 rule apply? Probably.

I could easily believe that only 20% of the people who set out to make a go of some business enterprise succeed…while 80% fail.”

I’ll go you one better. I’d venture to guess it’s more like 90/10. Who knows? Who cares? Here’s the deal – one man endures 7.5 years of torture in a North Vietnamese prison camp while another guy makes a cold call resulting in, “No, I’m not interested” and quits. He can’t take it. Not one more time. Not another call.

Really?

Yep, really.

Or maybe a guy knows what his next step might be toward success, but he’s stuck. Literally. He can’t move. He’s paralyzed. Unable to take that action, whatever it might be.

What’s he afraid of? What if the worst-case scenario happened? Would it be .0001% as bad as being in a POW camp? NO. NO COMPARISON.

Are we too soft?

Yes. We absolutely are.

I’m not talking about enjoying rejection, or pain. I’m not talking about being a masochist (a person who enjoys suffering and pain). Some of those freaks are out there, but I don’t think that describes most of us. I hope not anyway.

No, I’m talking about our sheer tolerance for a little bit of pain and suffering. Let me put it in context for you. I’m talking about the pain and suffering required to IMPROVE our condition. I’m not talking about enduring it simply because we want to live long enough hopeful we’ll regain our freedom. I’m talking about business people, salespeople, leaders or anybody else who is enduring the pain of failure as they try to find success! These people are aiming for success, not merely survival. They’re striving to earn more, serve more, do better – and a host of other worthwhile goals.

Failure isn’t fun. But if we let the smallest hurdle stumble us, then doesn’t it appear we’re more committed to failure than success. Ah, now we’re onto something I think.

Sometimes we’re too committed to failure, even though that failure generates more pain and suffering. Okay, we need Freud or some other brainiac to enlighten us I guess. Or, we can look at the obvious, think about our fears, and our suffering – and decide we want something else. That’s right, we can DECIDE to do something else.

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True confession. I wrote this in February 2016, but it was part of the previous iteration of LTW. It came up again recently in a conversation with a client who was struggling with inner critic stuff. I figured I’d resurrect it and share it hoping it’ll serve YOU. Before we dive in I have to say that lately, I’ve been very focused on how we can become addicted to self-help, motivational mumbo-jumbo! I don’t want to contribute to that because it provides millions of people excuses for doing nothing…stuck in the Land Of Wishing I Was Somebody Else. – Randy

Is the subject anticipation, or patience? Is it value or benefit? Yes, yes, yes and yes. It’s all that and more.

Over the weekend I wrote down a sentence on my whiteboard – the one that’s about 5 feet from where I’m sitting right now.

Avoid dread by being eager!

For a few weeks now I’ve been battling my inner critic. You’d think I’d have conquered him by now, huh? Well, not so much. The older you grow the more voices join you along the way. I learned to name my characters in my head. It helps to give them cartoonish names. I doubt I’ve plumbed the depths of my personality to uncover them all, but so far I’ve identified 10 of them. Did you ever see the Three Faces Of Eve? That movie came out the year I was born. Coincidence? Hum, maybe. Maybe not. One wonders. It’s about a woman diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. Depending on who you choose to believe, some argue there is no such thing. No matter, today’s show isn’t about that, but it is about YOU and the things that go on inside your head.

I don’t have three faces. I have 10 characters, or little voices that offer me their unique perspectives. They’ve all got an agenda, too. An ax to grind. A bone to pick. I don’t always see it for what it is. Not in real time, that’s for sure.

I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating — true wisdom is the ability to make the right decision in real time. Controlling our thoughts in real time is part of it and I confess I don’t get that right nearly as often as I’d like. Too many times I listen to one of these characters in real time and I let them foil success. They rob me of so many things it’s anything other than funny.

I dove into the arduous work of getting my mind right by taking a close look at who these characters are and what they’re best at. I don’t mind sharing. As you read mine, think about your own. It’s time you introduced yourself to them and got to know them better – mostly for who they really are. These are my 10 without any editing to save face or look better in your sight:

Phillip The Prophet
He knows exactly how things are going to turn out – not well. What can go wrong, will go wrong. Phillip is standing by to say, “I told you so.”

Dillion The Disrespected
Dillion is depressed because nobody respects him, especially the people he mostly wants to respect him. Dillion ignores all signs of respect because they don’t match up to what he thinks are proper demonstrations of it – like lots of glowing praise and people constantly recognizing him. He assumes silences or casual praise mean something sinister and awful, not true respect.

Ian The Insecure
Ian doubts the capacity for anything to turn out well. He joins forces with Phillip The Prophet to regularly shy away from attempting things because he’s convinced he’s not worthy of them, even if they were to happen. Ian doesn’t feel worthy of success, but still he longs for it.

Larry The Loudmouth
Larry speaks when he shouldn’t. Instead of standing by listening and observing, Larry just can’t resist the urge to pipe up and insert himself. More often than not, Larry’s mouth gets him in trouble. He never learns that listening doesn’t require speaking.

Connor The Complacent
Connor is lax. He’s often content to sit by and do nothing, even when he knows there’s plenty to be done (and plenty that could be accomplished). Connor’s strategy is to wait and see if something good will just happen. He doesn’t believe in the Law of Attraction, but he’s hopeful something magical will just come out of the blue and land in his lap.

Greg The Gregarious
Greg is outgoing and friendly. He’s comfortable no matter who is around. He lives in the moment and doesn’t think too much about things. Greg is always living in the present.

Sammy The Shy
Sammy is bashful and prefers to hug the walls. If he had his way he’d never leave the house. He hates big crowds. He feels awkward, not knowing what to do, or who to talk to, or what to say. Many times he pretends to be on his cell phone for fear of looking stupid standing around alone.

Conrad The Confident
Conrad deeply believes he’s got skills, experience, and wisdom. He knows he’s intelligent and sharp. Conrad believes that if success has ever been achieved by anybody else – at whatever the task – then he can figure out a way to find it himself. He’s not cocky, but he’s got a quiet confidence that if given enough time, he can figure out how to succeed. He believes in himself.

Samuel The Spiritual
Samuel doesn’t agree with prosperity gospel. He knows the Bible and understands this world is not his home. He realizes that work and life here are just temporary, a means to get to eternity (and Heaven). Samuel struggles to resolve his preoccupation with his professional life – and earning a living – and his spiritual duties to God. He doesn’t believe in miracles, knowing that the time for them has ceased. He doesn’t believe in God personally indwelling him. He does believe in providence, or what some might call serendipity, but knows you can’t prove providence. He does believe God is watching out for him – and all Christians – but he’s not sure to what degree God cares about his career and his success. That makes him reluctant to lean on God for help in such matters. He also struggles with the belief that God wants him to stand on his own 2 feet. That makes him not rely on God as much as he thinks he should, and he feels guilty about that.

Gerald The Guilty
Gerald feels regret and guilt over two primary areas: what he says and what he neglects to do. Gerald feels guilty when Larry the Loudmouth spouts off. He also feels guilty when Connor the Complacent does nothing but waste time. Gerald joins forces with others to beat himself up about what he should have done differently. Gerald often regrets the time lost in doing nothing when something profitable may have at least been attempted. Or he regrets doing things he shouldn’t have even attempted.

This stuff is hard, but it’s worth the wait. It’s worth doing because the rewards are real. I figure in my own life it’s just the price I pay to get to where I want to go. I tend to look at the lost time, lost opportunities and beat myself up for not getting further faster. Do you do that? Do you second-guess yourself and wonder why it’s taking you so long? Or why it hasn’t happened yet?

I’m guessing you’re like me because if life has taught me anything – and it’s taught me plenty – it’s that we’re not so different. Not really. We may like different food and laugh at different stuff, but at some level, we’re still people chasing our dreams, running from our fears and doing our best to quieten down the voices in our head that tell us we’re not good enough.

Is it true that it doesn’t have to be so hard anymore? Maybe it does have to be hard in order to get better, and easier.

“Everything is hard…until it’s easy.”

It’s one of my all-time favorite quotes. Mostly because I know how true it is and I need to be reminded of it.

Last week I had a conversation with a friend who I was telling about some of my perceived shortcomings – things that I just have no experience in, particularly in one area I’m currently pursuing. She looked at me and said, “You’re selling yourself short. You’ve learned how to do plenty of things that were once new to you. You learned how to dress, tie your shoes, leave home and attend school every day. You’ve learned plenty of things by figuring it out. You’ll figure this out, too.”

It is complicated. While waiting for things to be worked out – which means, while I’m trying to work things out – it sure doesn’t seem simple. Part of my list of characters (I say part of the list because I’m not convinced I’ve fully identified all of them just yet) marshall together to convince me things are always tougher than they really are…and that things are always complicated. Too complicated.

“Nothing worth having comes easily,” is more than a lyric by today’s musical guests. It’s how we tend to view most everything we seek to accomplish. I’ve seen it rob me of chasing things I’d have otherwise loved to pursue. I’ve also seen it rob me of not enjoying other pursuits I did chase because I listened to my characters (and others) tell me how hard it was. But some things are very worthwhile and they’re not necessarily all that difficult.

As a kid I discovered some things I was pretty good at that weren’t terribly tough for me. I look back now and realize that I let the world convince such things weren’t very high value. Writing. Drawing. Being creative. A host of things really. I was in junior high and enjoyed drawing. Cartoonists were among the people I most admired. And writers. But I knew nobody who made a living doing those things. Those can’t be worthwhile pursuits. They’re just pipe dreams. Saturday’s Smile is my tribute to two of my all-time favorite cartoonists, Jim Unger (who died back in 2012) – the creator of Herman and Jerry Van Amerongen, creator of my very favorite cartoon, Ballard Street.

Being eager is pretty thrilling, isn’t it? You know it is. I’d attend school, go to work at the local hi-fi store and be anxious before asking my boss if I could have a Saturday off so I could drive from southern Louisiana to see my girlfriend in Ft. Worth. Sometimes he said no. But when he said yes, I’d start planning and thinking every day about how many more days it would be before I’d head north to see her. The anticipation was energizing. Almost intoxicating.

Think of the times when you’ve experienced that kind of eagerness and anxiety. We think of anxiety as a bad thing, but it’s not always that way. I would be so preoccupied and anxious to get to Ft. Worth I didn’t think I could stand it. I couldn’t concentrate on school or work. My mind was thinking of what was to come…when I’d arrive at her house and be able to spend time with her face-to-face.

Where did I go? Where did that version of me go? I’m still here. I just sometimes lose sight of who I once was – the guy able to get amped up, willing to chase a dream for all I was worth no matter what the outcome. Just a guy taking aim and giving it a go because I had to chase it. Mostly, I found out it was worth the wait – and the work.

If you’ve not figured it out by now, lots of conversation about head trash led to today’s show. Old, young. Men, women. People from one part of the country to people from my part of the world. It doesn’t matter. We’re all in the same boat. Talk of dread. Talk of anticipation. Talk of hating some things while loving others. Talk of taking risks and being safe.

Did it ever occur to you that all the outside influences working against us aren’t nearly as powerful as the enemies in our head? Yeah, me neither…until recently.

A few months ago I started beating myself up for being so stupid, so ignorant about it all. How could I have gone this long without figuring it out? How can you feel good about arriving at some wisdom that you think should have hit you long ago? Yep, Gerald The Guilty was ruling the day for a while. Until I found the courage to tell Gerald to sit down and shut up. He did.

Gerald has been around a very long time. He didn’t just salute my order and stay quiet. I’ve had to keep shoving him down into the silent seat. Gerald proves that some work is hard, but worthwhile none the less.

I found myself telling somebody about my conclusion. “I’ve had to endure what I have to get to where I am now.” And I believe it. It wasn’t just something I was saying to get myself off some hook. I was just looking at how far I’d come and realized that you can’t get there from here any other way. Some roads have got to be traveled if you’re going to go anywhere. Was it the best road? Was it the wisest path? I don’t know and it doesn’t much matter. What matters is that it’s the road I took and the path I choose at the time. Thankfully, it brought me to this place. And this time. I am where I am because of the choices I made.

Second guessing it all isn’t profitable. Wishing I’d made other choices is fruitless. My faith convinces me that I did what I did and I am where I am because at this very moment I’m where I belong, doing what I need to be doing. If I keep my priorities straight and keep striving to follow wisdom I know I’ll find my way. It’ll all be okay.

Time is still on our side. We’re alive. Alive enough to feel joy, hurt, fear, dread and eagerness.

What would my eagerness feel like without dread? What would my joy as a 17-year-old have been in seeing Rhonda after a long road trip if I hadn’t missed her so?

Today, as a grandfather what would my anxiety be like for my grandchildren without the love I have for them? Or my fear of failure be like without the concern and care I have for those I hope to serve.

I think of the anticipation of winning – whatever that looks like, in whatever area I pursue it – and realize that without the prospect of losing or having my teeth knocked down my throat, what’s the point? Winning feels so good because losing sucks so much. I don’t view life as winners versus losers, but I do see it as winning versus losing. Wisdom has taught me that neither is permanent. Mostly, they’re moments in time and in my life mostly the winning has lasted longer. The losing has been far more temporary. I’m blessed and Gerald The Guilty sometimes gets back on his feet to speak because he’s right. He’s not always wrong. Sometimes I am to be blamed. Blamed for not being as thankful as I ought to be. Blamed for being guilty of not recognizing how blessed I truly am.

What about you? Is there work you’ve neglected because you’ve not been willing to face it or grind it out? Or maybe you didn’t think it would be worth the wait.

We all get blue and lonely. We all endure tough times. Sometimes we lose heart, but I’m here today to tell you not to surrender. Instead, keep pushing forward and chasing whatever it is you want to chase. Put in the time and purse it for all you’ve got. It’ll be worth it. And it may all work out as it should. Or better.

How will you ever know if you don’t try?

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