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Psychology Today says this about loneliness…

Loneliness is the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it.

First off, I’m not a psychologist. I’m a lifelong student in human behavior and psychology, but that hardly makes me an expert. But I notice things. I notice people. I notice my own behavior. I’m in good touch with my feelings, even though I don’t always love how I’m feeling – or know how to go about altering them as quickly as I’d like.

Like now.

Did you know that according to one BYU researcher, extreme social isolation can have the same negative impact on health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day? If that’s extreme isolation, then I wonder what moderate isolation – or moderate loneliness – produces. The equivalent of smoking how many cigarettes a day? Do you suppose we could equate our degree of loneliness – feeling isolated – with a specific number of cigarettes smoked in a day? Curious minds would like to know.

The research makes a distinction between isolation and loneliness. Isolation is objective. Loneliness is subjective. You can measure isolation. It’s hard to gauge the subjective feeling of being lonely. No matter, most of us just know whether or not we’re lonely.

ZingInstruments.com has a list of the top 20 songs about loneliness. See if you agree with their list. I’ve not researched it enough to argue with it.

‘Only The Lonely (Know the Way I Feel)’ By Roy Orbison
‘You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go’ by Bob Dylan
‘So Lonely’ by The Police
‘Space Oddity’ by David Bowie
‘Lonely Boy’ by The Black Keys
‘Lonely’ by Tom Waits
‘Eleanor Rigby’ by The Beatles
‘Pictures of You’ by The Cure
‘I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry’ by Hank Williams
‘Tired Of Being Alone’ by Al Green
‘Lonely Avenue’ by Ray Charles
‘The Loner’ by Neil Young
‘Are You Lonesome Tonight?’ by Elvis Presley
‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’ by Green Day
‘How to Fight Loneliness’ by Wilco
‘Cactus’ by The Pixies
‘I Wish You Lonely’ by Morrissey
‘Lonely Girl’ by Weezer
‘Lonely People’ by America
‘Solitary Man’ by Neil Diamond

 

There are lots of songs, poems,  and stories about loneliness. Because it’s such a universal sensation. More chronic for some than others.

I’ve examined my own loneliness for as long as I can remember. Even though I’m an introvert I’m not anti-social. I’ve never been extremely isolated. I’ve never really been isolated. Even during the shut-down days of the pandemic, I was with my wife. I jokingly say of my introversion and need to get away at times, “I’m just looking for a big rock to crawl under.” That’s much less about loneliness and more about my personal need to be left alone.

Sidebar, your honor. I wish some people had a greater capacity for observation and soft skills. See if you can relate to this. Think of people in your life who have little to no awareness of how others are wired. They go about their business treating everybody identically the same, as much as possible. That person who is extroverted or wants to be the most popular person around, works the crowd like a politician and then often – in my life – declares how we need more social interaction. But their constant intrusion in my life, which I politely (okay, sometimes not so much) grin and bear, saps my strength unlike anything else. Trust me, I know how to give off a vibe that even a blind person could sense. But these poor folks don’t seem to pick up on it. I’ve watched it closely all my life and my conclusion hasn’t changed. They’re not watching for it. In me, or anybody else. Watch them closely. Those folks who work a room. Appearing to befriend all comers. Notice something if you will. It’s not about the people they greet. Or interact with. It’s about them. They don’t notice the effect they have on you because they’re not thinking about you. They’re in it for themselves.

Let’s talk about noticing. Or not. And about our own loneliness.

Philippians 4:6-7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

P.S. Happy 7th Birthday to Road Rash Roy, grandson #4 – grandchild #5. Otherwise known as “End of the Line” in grandkids. 😉 He and I are planning to strike this pose today sans the mud. And helmet.

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Someday. Too often we declare we’ll do things “someday.” Well, somebody is here. The little boy who wrote this book is now a grown man, husband, father of 3, and business owner.

Let’s talk about turning life upside down intentionally because we know that one side of life – our existing life – is done!

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Inside Info: As I’m recording today’s episode, it’s July 17, 2022 (Sunday), and day 5 of COVID. 

“Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.”  ― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

“Sacrifice is a part of life. It’s supposed to be. It’s not something to regret. It’s something to aspire to.”  ― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Sacrifice, in the context of what’s happening in my life at the moment, is simply surrendering a possession. Sacrifice isn’t throwing something away. Discarding is unburdening yourself from something. Willfully, maybe even joyfully, separating yourself from something. That’s not sacrificing. That’s easy. Sacrifice is hard.

The physical purge isn’t the bodily kind, but it is physical. Specifically for us (me and my wife), it’s about our house and our stuff. It’s about over 4 decades of accumulation, gathering, storing, and collecting.

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” — Leonardo da Vinci.

“A little simplification would be the first step toward rational living, I think.”  — Eleanor Roosevelt

Yes, it feels pretty rational to me. But mostly, it feels glorious. Liberating. Easier.

The problem is the process is anything but liberating. Or easy. Or glorious. It’s hard, difficult, arduous, and drudgery! I hate it because it’s so hard.

Everything is hard until it’s easy. 

Do you know when it gets easy?

When you start.

“Don’t make the process harder than it is.“   — Jack Welch

Jack was a brilliant guy. I was a fan.

Early last week I contracted COVID. We’re weeks into purging our house to prepare for what might come next. I only mention that because it created only a slight adjustment in my schedule, likely providing me with new opportunities to come in contact with the virus. Rhonda and I have both managed to steer clear of it. Until now. She’s still negative, thankfully.

I bought a dolly from Sam’s Club. A dolly that likely had been handled by dozens of filthy hands before I laid my mitts on it. You can never really know, but it’s a decent working theory. Besides, it’s an opportunity to declare that I went to get a dolly and came home with a dolly…and COVID. And suddenly, my purging came to a halt. Kinda sorta.

COVID issues didn’t completely stomp things down for us because Rhonda continued to list things for sale, go through various areas of the house and I engaged in moments (and I do mean, moments) of lugging stuff from one spot to a different spot. I leaned into my loss of appetite to lean up physically. In the first 4 days, I figured I consumed about 1,000 calories. I found myself within 20 pounds of a goal weight I’ve had for the past decade. We’ll see if I can follow Jack’s advice and not make the process harder than it is.

Sacrifice. Throwing something away.

The difference isn’t the next destination of the thing, but in the value you place on the things you’re parting with. So it doesn’t matter if you’re selling them, donating them, or trashing them.

In 2018 Bruce Springsteen did an interview where he discussed his mental health challenges. Referring to a 1982 incident that happened while he was driving across the country, he stopped in Texas. Something happened. He’s not quite sure what. Or why. But he had a mental break. He said this about the experience, “All I know is as we age, the weight of our unsorted baggage becomes heavier… much heavier. With each passing year, the price of our refusal to do that sorting rises higher and higher.”

Physical stuff (baggage) and emotional stuff (or mental baggage) both weigh us down. And quite often, they’re connected. People ascribe emotions and feelings tethered to possessions. For me, the more I’ve sacrificed – surrendered – physically, the more liberating it’s been mentally and emotionally.

As I began purging weeks ago some things were easy to part with. I didn’t even think much about it. Or I instantly thought, “Yeah, let’s get rid of that.”

The deeper I dove into the process, the more I wanted to see how deep I might be able to dive. It’s not a freakish phenomenon really. You’ve likely experienced it in your own life. During my teen years, Dr. Pepper was my favorite beverage. I’ve never had a drink of alcohol. Never taken an illicit drug. Conviction and faith drove my choices, but at a practical level, I never wanted to surrender my mental faculties to anything. I need more brain cells than I have, so it never made sense to risk the ones I have. Well, for some reason I went without a Dr. Pepper for a week. A week turned into 2, then 4. At some point, it had been a year since I had consumed anything with carbonated water in it, including a Dr. Pepper. What had begun as a short-term exercise in deprivation grew into a contest to see how long I might be able to go. That same mental exercise kicked in for me during the purging as I wondered what every good limbo artist questions, “How low can you go?”

When I’m done I’ll honestly be able to have my possessions – all my possessions including my clothing – in one very small bedroom. Okay, that excluded my car. 😉

I’m envious of the duffle bag. The ability to have everything I own fit in a duffle bag. I could aim for that I suppose, but there’s no need really. After all, I admitted to you long ago that practical minimalism was the pursuit, the process. And I don’t want to make the process harder than it is.

Luke 12:15 “And He said to them, “Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.”

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I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.     – Francis Bacon

It’s a common viewpoint. We’re surrounded by people younger and older. Never mind those younger folks. Concentrate on the older ones and you realize, “I’m not so old.” What you fail to understand is that you may be deluded. 😉

One of my favorite quotes about age is by E.W. (Edgar Watson) Howe, a journalist, writer, and novelist. In 1919 he published Ventures in Common Sense, so you know he was our kind of guy.

A young man is a theory, an old man is a fact.    – E. W. Howe

 

Neil Young was in his mid-20s when he wrote and recorded the song, Old Man. Now, he’s 76 and officially old. He’s likely far older than the old man who was the caretaker on the ranch he bought back in the early 1970s. “24 and there’s so much more.” But you never know. Plenty of musicians – and others – have never made it to old age.

Another great song about old folks is by Five For Fighting.

 

Father’s Day was a few weeks back. It was the 70th Father’s Day for my dad who will turn 99, Lord willing, in September.

Rapper Valee (no, I do not listen to rap, but I found this quote by him, which tickled me)…“I’m an old man. A big weekend for me is Home Depot and a Caesar salad.”

I looked it up and he’s only 33. I don’t know the context of the quote. I can’t imagine a hip-hop rap artist incorporating those sentences into a song though. But I’m old. What do I know?

We’re talking about old men ’cause I’m not an old woman. Have you seen this hubbub with Matt Walsh, who did a documentary, “What Is A Woman?” It’s a fascinating thing to behold and proves how far modern culture has descended into…well, I don’t even have a word for whatever it is, but it’s not good. It certainly isn’t wise or helpful.

 

I know what a woman is, but I’m not one so I can’t claim a full understanding of that perspective. I have been married to a woman for going on 45 years. So I’ve got that going for me!

Jon Buscall is a friend from Sweden. He’s a photographer. And a worthwhile Twitter follow as evidenced by this tweet.

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I will prepare, and one day my time will come.     – Abraham Lincoln

Case in point Camille Vasquez, the breakout attorney who represented Johnny Depp in his defamation trial against Amber Heard. She’s 37 and according to the collective legal community, she was given some unprecedented opportunities during the trial to cross-exam witnesses and make closing arguments. Those responsibilities are typically given to partners. A week after the trial concluded, Vasquez became a partner. Some speculate it was to retain her because others were attempting to lure her to their firm. So it goes when you do well with a high visibility opportunity!

What we’ve not seen are the hours of pursuing the opportunities. Law school. Study groups. Bar exam. Research. More research. Grunt work. More grunt work. Wondering if your time will ever come. Doubt. Fear. More time spent wondering if this will ever be what you dreamed it would be. And then it happens. Maybe out of the blue. Maybe not. But your time comes.

Some aren’t prepared. Or they fail.

It happens.

We’re hardcore OU Sooner fans. The hazards of being born in Oklahoma. This isn’t football season, but weeks ago the Women’s College World Series (softball) happened. After OU won their way to the championship series, Oklahoma State University fans watched their team lose both semi-final games to Texas, thanks in part to a moment of errant defensive play that resulted in multiple runs by Texas. Even as an OU fan I couldn’t help but feel for the players involved in the OSU mishap. Their time had come and they couldn’t all handle it successfully.

We all know this firsthand. It’s been true in our own lives.

Was it Texas? Was it the bigness of the moment? Or was it life? Or something else?

Likely it was all of those things – and many more things. But I know what it wasn’t. It wasn’t the universe. It wasn’t fate. It wasn’t “meant to be.”

Being unprepared won’t work out well. But being prepared is no guarantee for success either.