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Ebb Dawson, that deep-thinking philosopher character on the old TV series, Green Acres, is the person who uttered today’s profound title.

I’ve loved that line since I first heard it. I have no idea how long ago that was. I was a kid who watched The Andy Griffith Show, Green Acres, F Troop, I Dream of Jeannie, Bewitched, and McHale’s Navy.

An online article entitled – 6 Signs You Can’t Afford Your Lifestyle – prompted me to think about what Ebb said. Let’s see if we agree with the list of signs you can’t afford your lifestyle…because you’re losing (blowing) all your money.

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I ran across an older online article entitled, “The value of owning more books than you can read.” Well, that grabbed my attention. So I clicked and began reading, realizing I’d heard some of these ideas before in The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb.

Having just rid myself of over 1,500 books, it’s a worthwhile conversation I think – to consider if we value books and how. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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My beloved OU Sooner football team has experienced a season of challenge that we hope morphs into major growth and improvement. Coach Brent Venables is such a terrific personality and he seems like a good human. He’s a man who has experienced serious adversity from his childhood through his adult years. We can focus on a multi-million dollar college football coach, but he’s not defined by his income any more than I am. He’s worth the money as a football coach at a major university. As a man, how he lives determines his value and worth. Same for us.

Yesterday, I saw this article about the team entitled, With destiny out of Oklahoma’s control, winning the next game is all that matters.

I guarantee Brent Venables isn’t telling his players, “ok guys, we just need to win two more games to make it to a bowl game.” He’s not saying that. He’s not wired that way. He wants to win football games, and there are five more to go.

In the words of the late Al Davis, “Just win, baby.” That’s all the Sooners can do. Win some football games and let the chips fall where they may.

All this is the result of 3 disappointing losses, particularly the blowout 49-0 loss against rival Texas. Those failures took away the Sooners’ opportunity to control their own destiny toward a major bowl or playoff run. But it didn’t rob the Sooners of controlling their own destiny from here on out.

Our challenges are sometimes major impasses. They knock us down and drag us out. Sometimes they knock us out. The Sooners coach isn’t a man willing to lay down and whimper. He’s not done that in his personal tragedies and he’s not about to do it now as a first-time head coach. He’s got decades of experience, knows what he’s doing and knows he has to prepare his team to push through this adversity so they can grow. Those willing will benefit. Those unwilling will be gone. Either by their own choice, or his.

This isn’t really about college football or OU. It’s not really about a football coach. It’s about us. You and me.

It’s about our life and our challenges. It’s about how we’re going to stand up against our opponents and impasses. How will we respond? Will we wither? Will we increase our resolve to fight? What will we do when trouble comes?

I’ve talked candidly – and I’ll talk even more candidly today – about being in this 4-year struggle. It’s been such a long, arduous fight I’ve reached a point where all I know to do is what the OU Sooners football team must do…

Worry about what’s in front of me!

 

I shared these graphics on social media yesterday. Both of them spoke to me, more so now than maybe at any other time in my life.

Let’s take them in reverse order.

“Travel and tell no one, live a true love story and tell no one, live happily and tell no one, people ruin beautiful things.”
– Kahlil Gibran

Gibran is best known as the author of The Prophet, which was first published in the United States in 1923. He was a Lebanese poet, writer, and philosopher who died in 1931. I don’t profess to know much about him, but my recollection was that in the 1970s there were college students who discovered him. I’m supposing some college philosophy professors helped expose students to his work. But no matter, the man did write some quotable lines including that one I made into a social media graphic.

I love quite a lot of things about it.

Keeping quiet – which is going to sound very weird given that I’m a podcaster who hits RECORD maybe more frequently than I should – is VERY appealing. The longer I live the more I understand how intrusive many people are anxious to be in our lives. Not because of us. We’d like to think we’re special like that, but it’s got nothing to do with us. It’s got everything to do with them and what they most want. That doesn’t mean they’re heartless and uncaring. It just means their priority is usually self-focused. And it’s understandable because we’re ALL experiencing life through our own eyes. We’re in our own heads. Our life matters more than anybody else’s, not because we necessarily think we’re better (but we may), but because it’s OUR life and uniquely our responsibility. Plus, we mostly care about the outcomes of our life and that’s how it should be.

There is something a tad more sinister going on though. All of us are subjected to practicing it.

prurient curiosity

Not in the sexual sense, but in the immoderate and indecent sense. The desire to know because we want our curiosity satisfied, or we want to know something others may not yet know…or some other selfish reason having nothing to do with serving or helping the other person. For some, life is largely a game of “I know something you don’t.” That’s what I mean.

That’s why I love quietness in the sense of not sharing too many details about life. In spite of the documenting that happens here at LTW, and elsewhere in my podcasting life, there’s much that isn’t revealed. It’s private. Personal. Sometimes confidential. And quite often it involves others besides me. Besides, sometimes, most times – I just don’t feel like sharing details of what’s going on with me. I’m much more comfortable asking about others, but I try to be careful with that hoping I read the moment correctly. Do they want to share? Are they craving somebody who is truly interested? Mostly, I lean into conversations about their life because they start it. As they open up I embrace it and keep it going for as long as they’d like. It’s not that I’m unwilling to reciprocate by sharing details of my life, but it pretty much takes care of itself when the conversation continues about their life. I will – 100% of the time – subtility (if possible) shift the conversation on them and their life. It feels better for both of us. Almost always!

So when I mention quietness I’m talking about two distinctly different kinds of communication. Quietness is a form of communication just like pausing in a podcast is form of it, too (something I’ve long been known for).

There’s the quietness that serves us. There’s the quietness that serves others. Sometimes they’re parallel and sometimes they’re not. Care to guess which one gets the priority? Of course, the version of quietness that serves us!

The Yellow Studio 2.0 Has To End So 3.0 Can Begin

In 2015 I did a virtual tour of The Yellow Studio version 1.0. For more than 15 years, this was how I operated The Yellow Studio. Then, thanks to Rode we shook things up by replacing the original rack of hardware with a single device, the Rodecaster Pro. That ushered in The Yellow Studio 2.0. For the past few years, the workflow inside The Yellow Studio has been greatly enhanced with the Rodecaster Pro. Thanks to you guys!

The Yellow Studio 1.0

The Yellow Studio 2.0

The end of The Yellow Studio 2.0 began a few months ago when I began to declutter and purge. I won’t bore you with yet another rendition of that effort, but it was invigorating.

The Yellow Studio is a home office and podcast studio all in one. It has been the place where I’ve produced 99% of every podcast episode over the past 20-plus years. The only exceptions are the episodes I’ve recorded in the field. Thousands and thousands of hours of shows have been recorded right from this spot inside this yellow room. Most of the shows were recorded into a Heil PR40 mic. When the Rodecaster Pro entered the picture I sold both PR40s opting for some different sounds. I broke the cardinal rule of podcasting and went from a dynamic mic to a condenser mic. My workflow improved.

Bittersweet is how we tend to describe wanting something while also partially dreading it. I’ve had months to think about The Yellow Studio 2.0 coming to an end. I may have had a moment or two where “bittersweet” applied, but mostly it was all sweet all the time. I was longing for a change. Looking forward to closing a chapter.

I talk a lot about chapters of our life – these moments in time when it can be easy for us (and others) to define us. This chapter of our life has endured for about 23 years. Rhonda and I were ready to close this chapter of our life. It’s important when ending something – the desired ending – that we’re anticipating starting something new. Many people are busy running from something, but that’s empty unless we can find something we want to run toward. Closing this chapter is mostly an exercise in saying goodbye to one chapter so we can say hello to a new one! It’s time to get busy writing a chapter we’ve not yet written.

The past months have provided lots of learning coupled with considerable angst. 😉 And it ain’t over yet.

Eternity Changes Everything

Okay, I had already learned this. I’ve been learning it all my life thanks to Christian parents. But recent months reinforced this truth.

Big life decisions are hard, but they’re made somewhat easier when you’re able to see what matters most. For example, Rhonda and I were engaged in a conversation about one specific decision confronting us. When we crunched the numbers the decision boiled down to risking a few hundred dollars or risking $26K. That’s not a hard decision because the difference is so enormous and apparent. So it goes when we can clearly compare our earthly life with eternity.

We tend to think of it as living and dying, but the reality, based on what the Bible teaches, is different. We live here, in human bodies, while we’re living this earthly chapter. When we die our soul or spirit is separated from this earthly body and we live on entering the eternal realm. We end one chapter and begin another one, our final one, which happens to be a chapter without an ending because it’s eternal.

The more we study this and think about it the more clear it becomes that we should give it more weight than what happens here on earth. It’s part math and all God. The math is straightforward. My dad is 99. And healthy. He’s living a long, long life, but it’s still nothing compared to forever! Would he – or any of us – be wise to devote ourselves to something here, for a brief time (even 99 years) if it would cost us a high price FOREVER? It’d be foolish, but we could. Many of us – most of us – do just that. We devote ourselves to whatever suits us without any thought of the Scripture, God, or Jesus Christ. We play the short game oblivious of the longer, eternal game.

Sometimes You Can’t End A Chapter On A High Note, But You Need To End It Anyway (the sooner the better)

Ideally, we end on a high note. Presentations, speeches, stories, and most anything else you can name, including podcasts. But it’s not always possible so you do the best you can with what you’ve got. We’re all living our lives in real time. The challenge is doing our best to get it right in real time. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we don’t.

My ideal outcome for ending this chapter of my life may not necessarily be written the way it’s played out. But in spite of the fact that Rhonda and I are writing this chapter of our life together, there are some circumstances and events beyond our control. So, we’ve huddled over the past four years or so and done our best to respond the best way we know how. History will judge how well we did. With a limited perspective, we’re both feeling pretty good about our effort so far.

You hear people talk about big-time professional athletes who play great under pressure.

The moment is never too big for them.

I wish there were no moments that were too big for me, but I’ve had quite a few moments that proved too much for my talent, ability, skill or resolve. So what do you do if you mess up? Well, you don’t keep on messing up. And you don’t linger in self-pity. You have to just respond as well as you can, pick yourself up, and get on with doing your best. None of us want these bad moments to define us, but it happens because redemption can be difficult.

At 4:47 pm Central on Sunday, October 23, 2022, I’m sitting here inside The Yellow Studio watching game 5 of the NLCS. Ironically, Bryce Harper hammered a 2-run home run in the top of the 8th inning giving the Phillies a one-run lead over San Diego. Talk about a moment not being too big!

We all want to be that guy. Sometimes it works out. It’s glorious when it happens. It’s gut-wrenching when it doesn’t. Bryce Harper doesn’t want the chapter to end without a World Series ring, something he’s never achieved. In fact, until this season he hadn’t even had post-season success. The man is writing a new chapter playing for the Phillies who are now, thanks to his homerun, headed to the World Series.

When we make a mess of things – or when things aren’t going as we planned or hoped – we just want to end the chapter. Quickly, if we can. But writing our lives takes time. And so it is with bringing an end to The Yellow Studio 2.0. I’ve thought about it. Dreamed about ut. Planned it. And some days it feels like it might never happen. I’ve had days where I felt like television weatherman Phil Connors in the movie Groundhog Day. The days just blended into each other, with many of them feeling identical to the prior day.

Eventually, the calendar will change. I just don’t know when.

Daily we put in the work. Daily we fall to our knees praying for wisdom…and for an outcome we desired. All the while, prepared to accept what results happened to come. When you don’t know how things will turn out (which is much of the time), you can at least determine how you’ll respond when they don’t. I leaned more heavily into optimism than I ever have before. It’s difficult to avoid thinking the worst because life has largely felt like a 4-year knife fight. After such a long time it’s been exhausting making it harder to think our ideal outcome would happen. We need to keep faith in ourselves, in our plan, in our priorities, and in God’s answer to helping us achieve whatever would be best for us eternally. Maybe what we’re pursuing isn’t going to be ideal for us. We lack Divine knowledge, but we feel we’re aiming in the right direction, and for the right reasons.

I made up my mind that I was going to write the ending the way I wanted…at least in my mind. I’ve thought about it. I’ve dwelt on it. I’ve leaned so hard into the optimism I refuse to let myself entertain doubt for more than seconds at a time. I choose to believe we can create a great ending to an otherwise less-than-stellar chapter. We just want it to end. Please. Today. Or sooner. 😉

When You’re In A Hole Do You Stop Digging?

Depends on what hole you’re digging and whether or not you want or need the hole. 😉

“When you’re in a hole, stop digging.”

Well, that sounds good and all. Wise even. But it’s not easy when you feel like a mole whose sole purpose is to dig. 😉

It’s also not easy when you don’t want to stop digging because you’re mostly driven to go as far underground as possible. That’s how my life has been for the last 4 years. There’s been enough time I don’t mind sharing with you a little bit — which happens to be a whole lot more than I’ve shared with you before. I won’t go into all the details, but I’ll tell you that my grown daughter, after 15 years of marriage and being a mother to two boys…left the reservation. She left God, her husband, and her sons.

It’s a long, arduous story, but I love my son-in-law very much. Technically, he’s my ex-son-in-law, but he knows he’s never going to be an ex to me and Rhonda. Thankfully he’s got full custody of the grandsons who are 15 and 13 now. Given her evil, profane behavior she lost her parental rights so the boys are protected from her. So is their dad (protected from her). Along with their dad, they’re the 3 amigos and we’re close to them.

Prescribed opioid meds, colossal selfishness, profane rebellion against God – they’re all in play, and more. Our lives – all of our lives – cratered about four years ago so we’ve been digging ever since. But everybody is safe, devoted to God, and doing well. Everybody except her of course.

I’ve been digging in, not out. It wasn’t my intention – well, okay, maybe it was. It just happened and I leaned into it. Maybe more than I should have because mostly, I was stunned that the little girl who grew up in our home – a self-confident young lady filled with Faith, conviction, and a strong sense of conscience would embrace the darkest side of herself and surrender to sin. But she did. And even a faithful husband, or parents, are powerless to make decisions for others. When foolishness is the choice, it’s a painful choice to watch and we had to watch it for too long, but no more. Some months ago I created this and posted it on my social media channels.

I had posted and written a considerable amount about this girl who captured my heart about 40 years ago. We were close. Connected. Sharing faith and much more. Until she chose to stop and lean fully into self-centeredness. The stubborn demeanor that had served her in living for God and goodness backfired, manifesting as profane rebellion. A wickedness none of us had ever seen.

We have no contact or relationship anymore. It’s over and I’m not going to participate or watch.

I dug in to learn all I could about opioids’ impact on mental health. I dug in to hide, too.

The learning was good. The hiding was, too (for a while). It is still to some degree.

From old people to teens I found out that prescribed Fentanyl and other opioids seem to impact people exactly the same. An old woman. A teenage boy. And everybody in between. They all behave the same. “They’re like a rebellious out-of-control teenager,” was a phrase I heard constantly. I contacted substance abuse clinics, physicians, psychologists, and therapists who specialized in such things. I was a sponge for the first two years or more. I was looking for answers but wound up with more questions.

I endured the harsh judgment of others who felt her sins were my sins. I endured the puzzled viewpoints of why I was behaving differently…”Why is he so withdrawn?” I endured – and still do – the resolve of people who only think of themselves and not what may be best for me. People who feel they have to be the ideal human for every person in every situation. News flash! If you’re the right person for me, you already know it. If you don’t know it, then you’re not one of them. 😀 #TRUTH

So there it is, our 4-year knife fight that I suppose will continue as long as we’re alive.

I’ve continued to remark to some that I’m just looking for a rock to crawl under. It’s the most accurate depiction of how I feel. I still mostly feel that way. I’m not the same man I once was. But today, I’m better and I’m determined to get – grow – better more and more. That doesn’t mean going back, but it means going forward. Let’s worry on what’s in front of us.

Dig in or dig out, that was then and today remains the challenge. Some things, like investigating opioids and mental health issues, are very much worth digging into. Digging out of a funk was harder. Mostly because the funk is tough to define. If the funk is self-pity it’s more easily identified, but that isn’t what I was ever feeling. And it wasn’t guilt, even though my self-righteous critics wanted to put her sin on me. Upon news of her decision, told to us by her husband, Rhonda looked at me and said, “We did our job.” She meant we had trained her to love God, and Jesus, and be a Christian. She had violated all of it – things she had embraced most of her life, including her adult life. She had betrayed her husband, and her sons because she had betrayed God.

The funk was hard to describe except in telling people what I most wanted to do – climb under a rock.

Part of it was driven by my introversion, something others who aren’t bent this way can’t seem to figure out. “Snap out of it,” isn’t sound advice. “I want you to be like you were before,” isn’t either. When such things happen to us we’re changed. Maybe forever. And it could be that our latter end is better if we can find ways to grow through that pain and suffering. I was determined to grow and improve. I just had no idea how long it might take. The impatience of others continues to drive me nuts. (And I’m talking about people who know firsthand what’s going on)

The ending of this chapter is about selling a house that has been our home for over 23 years. A place where I once remarked to Rhonda, “You can just bury me in the backyard.” It’s been home. Big trees. Nice big yard. A lovely established mature neighborhood on a tree-lined street. But four years ago it all changed. Now we’re marching forward toward concluding this chapter because we’re desperate to write a new one. A better one. I’m confident we’ll be able to do that because our minds (me and Rhonda) are made up.

 

Time To Move, Time To Get Going

 

Tom Petty’s Wildflowers album is a classic. So much so, after his death, it was re-released with tracks that didn’t make the final cut. The record is filled with many great songs. “Time To Move On,” is among them. Take a minute or three and click the play button on that YouTube video above. Enjoy it. I do. Every single time.

Tom was enduring some challenges when he wrote and recorded Wildflowers. I don’t know what he was precisely feeling or thinking, but tragedy, challenges, and obstacles are common to all of us. I’m not a rock star and never have been so I can’t possibly relate to whatever Tom endured in that role. I’ve never lost a house to fire or experienced divorce, but Tom did. No matter, like Tom, we’ve all had tough times. Times from which we wanted to move on.

I can’t fully express how ready we are to move on. Figuratively, emotionally, physically, and in just about every other way you might name.

“What lies ahead I have no way of knowing” isn’t a line that resonates with us so much though because we’re carefully planning every decision. Does that mean things will work out as we plan? Maybe not. In that regard, we don’t have any way of knowing because these things aren’t guaranteed. We can only guarantee our effort, but we’re optimistic! Very much so.

Our moving on is positive. Helpful. It’s our ideal outcome.

Going has a direction, forward. Progress. Growth. Improvement.

Let’s worry about what’s in front of us.

We’ve been planning all this for more than 2 years, but at our age, there were some milestones we wanted to hit first. As soon as we began to hit those we went into action. Then we had to be patient, which is extremely hard. We answered our impatience with prayer…LOTS of intense prayers. Funny how that works. Facing the unknown often provokes an increased intensity in prayer because God knows when we don’t. I also decided to choose optimism (and gratitude) more than ever. Daily I’d wake up intently focused on telling myself that each day would be a good day (and asking God to help me make it so). Praying that every day might inch us closer to our goal. Some days there’s an imperceptible inch. On other days it’s utterly invisible and we have no idea if we’re making progress or not. But we’re keeping the faith, confident things will work out favorably. All the while we do our best to maintain the priority of putting God first, prepared to accept whatever He might provide providentially. We just know we have to do our work and do our best to reach our goals.

Sometimes there’s a moment of progress. Sometimes there are many smaller, less perceptible moments of progress. Sometimes there are small or big defeats, too.

We’re always gonna keep praying and hoping.

Rocky, Rosie, Hockey Teams, & Gospel Preachers

Through the years dogs have inhabited our lives and hearts. We began this chapter we’re now ending with a dog I registered as Bernard P. Fife. Yes, we called him Barney. He was a Bichon. A rather stubborn critter, but I loved him when he wasn’t infuriating me. I wept when we had to say goodbye due to an illness that was making his life miserable. He’s buried in the backyard.

Some time passed, as it must when you’re grieving, and we drove down to The Woodlands, just north of Houston, where Rocky and Rosie entered our lives. Brother and sister, they were a pair of Westies (White West Highland Terriers) and we were immediately in love. Never before had we parented two dogs at the same time, but experts in the breeds who become our friends continued to admonish us, “Get two.” We followed their advice and it was the best pet decision we ever made.

No two animals impacted my life as much, and I’ve had dogs in my life from the beginning, but these two were very special. I loved them more than I ever thought I could love an animal. They were our constant companions, determined to be right under our feet as much as possible. Two completely different personalities, but one gaping hole was left in my heart when we lost them. First Rocky, who had become ill, then Rosie, who would follow about a year later.

The house felt so empty. For almost 16 years or more these two creatures had been more of a focal point than perhaps we ever realized. That’s a chapter that ended in the fall of 2016 when we lost Rosie, but this place was the only home they ever knew! The squirrels, birds, and lizards were the only ones happy to see them go.

Hockey players and one particular hockey team have spent time around here. Just about every hockey team I ever coached has spent time here. And in the pool. Hockey has been a considerable part of our lives since our son began to play back in early junior high. This now father of 3 still plays whenever he can, but mostly he’s busy coaching his sons in baseball, which was always his first love – until he found hockey!

Lots of cookouts, sleepovers, pizza parties, and the like once took place here. We’ve not had one for the better part of 15-plus years, but I can still hear the laughter and see the ping-pong brackets my son created (ever the competitor). Those college guys are all grown up now. Mostly married and mostly with kids of their own. Time flies, but thankfully memories linger.

Gospel preachers have spent many nights under this roof, the blessing of a floor plan with two master bedrooms – one near the kitchen, which proved invaluable to traveling preachers. For a few, it was home away from home. Sometimes with mere hours’ notice, a guest would pull into the drive to spend an evening before journeying on to the next stop.

Rocky and Rosie always loved it when preachers could visit because it meant new hands to pet them and give them treats. They had their favorites too – based mostly on how accommodating the preacher was toward them. One preacher named Ronny was their absolute favorite. Likely because he was one of my favorites and spent more time here than any. Ronny passed away years after Rosie. Upon news of her death, he told me, “It’s not gonna be the same around there anymore.” He was right. It never was the same after that. And it’s never been the same since his last visit either.

It never will be the same, but that’s okay because we experienced it once. In fact, we experienced it many times. As much as I want to repeat life’s greatest moments I know that it’s impossible in reality, but it’s instantly possible if I just remember. Some days it’s hard to remember because I forget. Moments I didn’t think I’d ever forget. But I do. Some memories come more easily. I’m trying to lean into all the best ones because it helps diminish the worst ones. And we’ve all got plenty of those, but the end of this chapter isn’t about them. It’s only about what a great chapter this has been, but the next one will be even better! Lord willing.

I Need To Weep

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
― Kahlil Gibran

Some folks don’t understand it, but I need to weep. For years I’ve happily admitted that I cry daily. I can’t remember – ever – a day where I didn’t. Nor can I remember a day when I didn’t laugh out loud. It’s not some planned, scheduled activity. It just happens. It’s how my life operates. It’s never contrived or shallow. It’s pure emotion that pours out and may last seconds or minutes. I admit that sometimes I embrace it, while at other times I try to hasten its conclusion. Embracing it is easier.

I think of what I’ve lost and I weep. But the fact that I once held it in such regard means it’s now a loss. Gibran got it right I think. I’m weeping for that which was once my delight.

I’ve set a new weeping record during the past 4 years or so. It’s been a time period during which I’ve experienced my deepest losses. The defeats have been crushing, but survivable. I’m still here. Standing. Sometimes barely, but mostly upright except when I’m on my knees. Being on my knees has felt better, but eventually, we have to stand up and do the work.

Where & When Does It End?

It’s like that quote from some unknown source that I love…

I may quit, but not today!

In that press conference, I’ve embedded at the top of this page – Brent Venables’ OU football head coach – somewhere near the 40-minute mark talks about how success demands we run into “the hard.” It’s that whole be a buffalo admonition I’ve given before. Around the 43-minute mark of his press conference coach Venables talks about pushing forward toward what’s in front of his team. We’ve all got our dragons to slay, mostly the dragon that is us.

I don’t know the outcome of my current adversity. I don’t know if or when it’ll cease. I just know that today I have work to do. And if like my favorite college football team, I do the work as well as I can, with the effort it deserves, then I can trust the results will follow.

Mostly, I know that if I’m going to worry…it’s best to worry about what’s in front of us, not what’s behind us. Time to move on. Time to get going. Time to lean hard into the work that wisdom demands. I know that’s my very best option.

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I see this headline: In U.S., Poor Life Ratings Reach Record High.

That got my attention. For starters, I had no idea what the Poor Life Rating was. Turns out Gallup has an index. That’s kinda sorta the business they’re in. And we mostly trust the surveys and research Gallup produces.

Sometime earlier I had seen another online article about how Americans felt about the future. Turns out, according to the article, 75% of Americans felt like our best days were behind us.

It sparked an immediate question, “Where are people pinning their hopes? Are people really thinking Joe Biden is going to save them – or destroy them?”

Let’s wrestle this down a little bit.

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“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

It’s a lack of a lot of things. And a big shortage of other things. But today we’re going to focus on men and husbands.

Most divorces are initiated by wives. Attorneys, psychologists, sociologists and other folks smarter than me attribute much of that to the skill women have to sense danger. It seems logical, especially if children are involved, that a woman craves safety for herself and her children. Other research indicates women divorce because they feel held back in the relationship. Maybe the husband doesn’t do enough work in the relationship and the wife grows increasingly discontented. Ironically, many experts that I read claim women generally forgive infidelity, but they continue to forgive emotional neglect or abuse.

I’m not an expert on such things, but I do know that men and women are different, but the same. Men crave respect. Women crave love. Both battle unhappiness, which for some is the sole goal of life while others mostly are content with avoiding unhappiness. Men have one particular problem that I’ve seen throughout my life. Generally speaking, I’ve found it to be mostly a uniquely male challenge. Rage.

I know it seems an odd way to start a conversation about strong men who go the second mile, but I’m beginning here because I suspect every man knows it’s problematic, or can be. We can move forward toward becoming strong men when we recognize our rage and what form it takes — then get busy addressing what we’re doing to do with it. Strong men figure out how to properly direct and control their rage.

Rage is a typically male problem, not because males exclusively experience it, but because we find it tough to properly direct it. There are some chapters in the Bible, in the book of Romans, that speak specifically to the battle that goes inside each of us – male or female. That is, here’s what we want to do, which is often contradictory to what God wants us to do. There are times when we kinda, sorta want to do the right thing, but then we also want to do what pleases us. The battle ensues and the question is, “Where will we direct our rage?”

Will we look in the mirror and direct it toward harnessing ourselves (self-control) or will we direct it outward toward others because we choose to blame them for our struggle?

These ideas are not new. Or novel. And I don’t profess to have mastered it all. I don’t even profess to properly understand it all, but I do understand it enough to know it can destroy lives and relationships.

Rage isn’t only expressed in an outburst of anger. It can be fuming, frustration and silent. Rage’s manifestation depends on the personality of the holder. As we look more deeply into strong men who go the extra mile…let me challenge you to think about your rage and work harder to understand it, and direct it in a more purposeful way that serves your marriage instead of destroying it.

Today, I’m going to speak specifically to men and more specifically to married men. But no matter who you are or what role you have in a relationship, I hope you find some value in the conversation because the subject is important – being a strong man. Going the second mile.

First, for those unfamiliar with the Bible permit me to explain what the second mile means and where that expression comes from.

Matthew 5:40-42 (American Standard Version) “And if any man would go to law with thee, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.”

Commentator James Burton Coffman said of this passage…

Does anyone live up to this? Certainly, one must agree that the Sermon on the Mount is still the Mount Everest of the Christian religion, namely, the highest peak of all and only rarely scaled. Did Christ mean that a Christian by lending to all comers should suffer the plundering of all his goods? Certainly, the apostolic church did not operate on any such premise. We can only conclude that Christ was teaching a basic truth in this place, namely, that it is better to invest in people by helping and befriending them, than it is to invest in hoarding treasures for one’s self. Of that there can be no doubt.

In short, going the second mile is going above and beyond what’s required. People foolishly – and without thought – may talk about giving 110% or some other number greater than 100%. That’s impossible because we’re talking about capacity or capability. Can you give more than is possible? No, that would make it impossible.

Going the second mile signifies going beyond what’s required. In ancient days Roman soldiers enjoyed great latitude in imposing on citizens. If they needed assistance from a citizen to go a mile, the Lord’s instruction is, “Take them two miles.” Don’t begrudge serving them. Go out of your way to accommodate them. That was a hard thing, particularly for a Jew in ancient times, who was likely mistreated by a Roman soldier. But that’s the life Christ calls us to live if we’re going to be among His disciples.

Note: If you’d like to hear some sermons I’ve recorded visit my YouTube channel playlist at InThyPaths.com.

Okay, so now we hopefully are on the same page about the title and subject of today’s show – going beyond what’s required. Going the extra mile by putting in the effort even though others may not. It’s about doing what is right no matter what choices others make. It’s about being true to serve whether you’re being served or not. It’s about refusing to be selfish and working to be more selfless.

Even if you’re not religious you’ve heard of the Sermon on the Mount delivered by Jesus. Well, those verses about going the second mile are part of that sermon. The entire sermon is focused on how much greater the Gospel of Jesus Christ is than the Old Testament Law that God once required of mankind. It also calls us, as humans, to a higher purpose and higher standard of behavior. For example, it’s in this sermon where in the very next verse beyond the ones I quoted already the Lord said this…

Ye have heard that it was said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy: but I say unto you Love your enemies, and pray for them that persecute you; that ye may be sons of your Father who is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sendeth rain on the just and the unjust.     – Matthew 5:43

All the promises are better, but so are God’s standards for our behavior.

Well, today let’s think a bit about being stronger men by being men dedicated to going the second mile in our marriages. 

Let’s start with true confession time. That’s right, I’m gonna fall on my sword first, but I’m hoping you won’t make this about me. Instead, make it about yourself. Think about the swords you may need to fall on if you’re interested in becoming a strong man.

In recent years I’ve been anything but strong. And throughout our marriage, I’ve had times when I wasn’t strong. Times when I allowed life to crush me and break me. You probably know the feeling. And I’ll bet when it happened to you, you did the same thing I did. You felt sorry and sad for yourself. That’s not the habit of strong men.

By now you clearly understand I have a Christian, Bible-based perspective. It’s unlikely anybody very opposed to such a viewpoint would give me their time and attention, but if you have – thank you. I’ve got great respect for your willingness to at least consider this perspective. I do understand that not everybody is interested or amenable to thinking about the role God and Jesus should play in our lives. I understand quite a few folks don’t even believe in them. Either of them. I’m not here to berate you or beat you over the head with scripture. We’re just talking about how strong men go beyond what’s required, but for me – the genesis of the idea, and the reason for this way of life, is because of God. That’s important because wisdom is divided into 2 distinct categories: worldly and godly. For our purposes – and in the context that I use the term “wisdom,” worldly doesn’t mean sinful necessarily, but it means things that pertain to life here. For example, there’s the wisdom I’ve learned about business that is specific to a secular pursuit, business. But there’s godly wisdom from the Bible that is often incorporated into that, like doing the right thing, avoiding lying, and don’t cheat people. Those may not make much sense to a person who puts money above morality or faith.

Going beyond what’s required can be a faith thing or not. For me, it is. For you, maybe it’s not. Either way, I hope we can eventually agree, and come to learn that when it comes to our marriages, as men, going the extra mile is the path taken by the strongest men. Also, the strongest men likely enjoy the strongest marriages as a result of their strength.

For years I’ve advised young ladies who’d come to me about dating boys, “be the young lady the young man you most want is looking for.” When I hear a 19-year-old girl lament that she can’t find any good guys to date I reassure you he’s out there and there isn’t just one of him. There are likely a number of them. Attract him by being the young lady he’s most searching for. I can tell them this with confidence because I also hear some 19-year-old boy lament he can’t find any good girls to date. I tell them the same thing, “Be the young man she’s most looking for.”

This isn’t empty advice where I’m telling them to change their personality, or urging them to be less of one thing and more of something else. In short, I’m urging them to do two things: be their best (behave with righteousness and purity) and go beyond what’s required. The Lord’s sermon wasn’t directed only toward men, but when it comes to marriage the scriptures are plain that the husbands should lead. No, that doesn’t mean dominate, boss, direct, coerce, manipulate, or command. It means he should assume responsibilities that God gave Him to serve his wife and help build a marriage and home where love can thrive! That’s godly leadership in spite of what some misconstrue. Read your Bible if you doubt me.

Okay, what’s so hard about THAT?

Everything.

For starters, understanding it can be hard. Understanding the burden of leadership can be hard because modern culture is always pushing against it by spinning it negatively. Especially here in the United States, we’ve got such a skewed view of leadership. We think it means being “the boss.” We ascribe power and authority to leadership, the Bible doesn’t make that correlation when it comes to human leadership. Power and authority in scripture is the sole domain of God through Jesus Christ and that, through God’s Word, the Bible.

In America, we largely think of bosses when we think of leadership. I know because I’ve been practicing leadership for well over 40 years and coaching it for going on 15. I continue to preach a perspective that defines leadership as a focus on others, and doing for others what they can’t do for themselves. That latter definition doesn’t mean they’re helpless, or incapable. They may be. But they may not be able to see what you see. I’ve had older men who were able to see a future me that I wasn’t able to see at the time. They served me, as leaders, because they encouraged me when I wasn’t able to do that for myself. There’s nothing insulting about leadership. In a word, it’s influence!

That’s important because strong men are leaders. Necessarily so.

The object of that leadership must be your wife. She must be the recipient of your strength. Not a punching bag, literally or figuratively…but rather the beneficiary of your strength. That’s through providing, protection, love, honor, respect and anything else good you can imagine. About now I hear you object with what is likely THE problem for most men: “Yeah, sounds about right. I have to do all the work!” 😉

Poor, pitiful you. Woe is me!

Stay with me. Yes, marriage is a two-way street. This woman you’re married to is – should be – the object of your affection, love, admiration, respect, and joy. But stop looking for her to be the remedy to YOUR problems. Strong men accept responsibility, find a path forward, and get on with it. They’re strong because they’re willing to go the second mile. They don’t go the second mile because they’re strong.

Some years ago as I began to coach executives and CEOs I sometimes found myself struggling to find ways to get them to accept the truth that this was their life and they could make monumental changes (growth and improvement) if they wanted. After the umpteenth request for direct advice – “just tell me what I should do” – I realized I needed to find a way to help these people by taking my own medicine. I needed to step up my own game. I needed to lead. I needed to continue to focus on them, which was never a problem, by doing for them what they weren’t (at least at that moment) able to do for themselves. That something was helping them find the corner.

I created a metaphorical corner, a place where I could help my clients go where there were no more excuses. Where every bit of oxygen they gave to their procrastination and excuse-making was sucked out of the room. A place where there was nowhere to go but forward. No more backing up. The corner.

The corner is uniquely our own. I suppose you could get backed up into my corner, but that’s wouldn’t do you much good. Or I could back you into your own corner and you’d feel cornered, which isn’t profitable. That’s a corner you sometimes find yourself in unwillingly and it’s mostly driven by the judgment of others. It’s unprofitable.

NO, the corner I aimed at was the corner my clients were willing to let me help them get to. Since much of my work is with high performers – what low performer ever desired a coach? – I found people highly willing to accept the challenge of getting to the corner. Because that’s where I told them the magic happens. Truth is, that’s where everything good happens!

The reason for that is because in the corner our backs are up against the wall. We’re no longer able to retreat to blaming others or blaming situations. The corner represents this place where backing up has taken us far as it’s going to. Now, the only place to go is forward. But how?

Once we’re willingly in the corner – largely because we’re sick and tired of our current situation or behavior – now the mirror comes out. By looking more closely at ourselves we’re able to accept responsibility for everything. Everything.

Then we’re able to figure out, “Now what?” What are we going to do now? What is our next step going to be? We know it’s got to be forward ’cause we’re in the corner with our back against the wall. But it’s up to us to figure out what our next best step should be.

That’s the work I do daily.

Sure, it often begins with a little bit of a gripe session about something else or something else, but sooner – not later – it comes back to that notion, “If it is to be, it’s up to me!”

Every high-performing leader I’ve ever worked with was willing to go the second mile. There are no exceptions.

Every high-performing marriage has a man – a strong man – willing to go beyond what’s required.

Going the second mile involves some specific characteristics. And as you might imagine, they’re not easy – which is likely why not all men take on the work. And why not all men are strong men. Strong men who want to lead a strong marriage have some common traits regardless of their personalities.

One, strong men who go the second mile don’t wait. 

They don’t wait for her to go the second mile first. They don’t wait for her to initiate.

Many an opportunity for deeper connection and greater love has been foiled because some idiotic man thought his wife ought to do more than she was doing. I don’t mean around the house or some chore. I mean when it comes to serving him, in whatever capacity he had on his mind.

Right off the bat, you may have spotted the leadership problem. Who is he focused on? Himself. He’s selfish. Poor pitiful him. She’s not treating him well.

News flash. Life isn’t fair. Nothing about it is fair. If you want fair then wait until September or October. We’ve got a really big state version right here in DFW you can come to. Eat all the salt-water taffy you want. Buy just about anything edible in a fried form you can stomach. But that’s the only fair you’re gonna find.

Besides, who made you in charge of fairness? Do you think you’re qualified to ascertain what’s fair and what isn’t? You’re kinda biased in your own favor, aren’t you? Well, that’s a big conflict of interest.

Stop it. So what if you feel like it’s unfair. Your feelings aren’t going to change the outcome unless you’re willing to become a strong man by going the second mile. Quit waiting for her. Don’t wait. Act right now.

Is it an apology? Is it some act of kindness? Is it encouragement you can offer, sympathy, or something else?

Is it trash you can take out? Yard work you can do? House cleaning you can perform?

What is it YOU can do right now in direct service FOR HER?

Don’t wait, just do it. Michael Jordan would. (smile)

Two, strong men who go the second mile don’t keep score.

Whoever taught you that marriage is a negotiation lied to you. It’s not. The scorekeepers always lose. Always.

Have you ever noticed that every scorekeeper is on the short end of the deal?

When is the last time you heard a scorekeeper gloat that they were ahead? Yeah, me neither. NEVER.

Stop it.

“Well, she didn’t do this.”

“Well, she didn’t do that.”

“She did this.”

“She did that.”

Strong men who go the second mile don’t keep track of injustices – real or perceived – because none of that matters unless you let it. We get treated poorly sometimes. Sometimes by strangers. Sometimes by friends. Sometimes by family. It happens and every adult person has experienced it many, many times. But you don’t think you’ve ever done it yourself? We treat others poorly sometimes. You may do it far more than you realize, too.

By being a strong man who goes the second mile I guarantee you’ll do it less. And less. And less. IF you’re willing to grow, improve and keep moving forward as a strong man.

There’s this human psychological fact called “reciprocity.” It means we tend to behave toward others the way they behave toward us. It’s that whole golden rule created by God in the Bible. It’s doing to others as you’d want them to do toward you. Sounds a lot like these first two qualities, doesn’t it?

I don’t know how many days of life I’d recapture if I could go back and be better at both of these first two traits. The times I dug in my heels with an attitude of “I’m not going to make the first move this time, she’s gonna have to.” Well, I learned I married a camel who could go days without water while I’m over here wallowing in my selfishness dying of thirst! I was stupid. Mostly, I was weak. I was not being a leader or a strong man. I was a ninnie.

Three, strong men who go the second mile protect their hearts.

There’s much from which to protect yourself.

Hobbies that take you away from your wife and family.

Ambitions that do the same.

Affections for things that you allow to eventually matter more – it could be anything from money, to career, to a golf game, or anything else. Or somebody else.

Pornography. That’s a big one – a common one, too.

Strong men willing to go beyond what’s required guard themselves through self-restraint. This is the last thing I’m going to mention and I saved it for last not because it’s last but because it may be the hardest. I worded it this way intentionally, but I could have worded it differently. I could have said, “Strong men who go the second mile control themselves.”

I prefer my wording because it denotes a few important things I’d like us to ponder. One, our hearts matter. What we think matters. We ought to give greater diligence to how we think and what we think. Two, what we love matters. Love is always considered an act of the heart.

Neither of these refers to the muscle in our chest that pumps blood. Both refer to our mind, from which stems our logical thought and our emotions. We think. We feel.

Strong men aren’t willing to surrender their hearts to just anything or everything. In marriage, strong men who go the second mile are men committed to their wife. Firstly, for me, they’re men committed to God. By obeying God they’re going to become better, stronger men. But it’s hard work to do these things. That’s why only strong men do them.

When a wife knows she’s second only to God, how do you imagine she feels? Do you think she feels properly cherished? How could she not?

When a strong man who goes the second mile refuses to go the first mile with evil, sinful, distracting things that might corrupt his marriage, he’s letting his wife know how much she really matters. She knows her strong man is willing to sacrifice himself because her welfare matters more.

Every wife – EVERY WIFE – desires such things. To know that no other human on earth matters more is a high pedestal on which to reside. Strong men who go the second mile happily and proudly put their wives, not on display, but on the throne of their own hearts.

Strong men who go the second mile in marriage don’t flirt with anything or anybody who might cause any damage to their wife or their marriage. They practice temperance (self-control) and self-restraint.

The Bible refers to meekness. It’s a confusing term perhaps and it may not mean what you think. It’s not weakness, quietness, or submissiveness. It’s power restrained. It’s not doing something you could otherwise do. It’s holding yourself back, guarding yourself. It’s what strong men who go the second mile do.

For too many years now I’ve struggled to be what I’ve described today. I’ve had moments where I was better at it. My brightest, most shining moments haven’t been my most recent ones though. And being true to my metaphorical corner, I’m not going to offer you any excuses because I’m without excuses. I allowed it to happen, maybe even fostered it to happen, because I got selfish. And confused about what a true focus on my wife looked like. I was guilty of all these 3 things that I know characterize a strong man willing to go the second mile. And I became weak and weaker. So I backed myself into the corner where I belonged – where I could achieve the most profitable work necessary to become a better man. A stronger man. A man with greater resilience and resolve to go beyond what’s required.

It’s not fun, but it’s the most rewarding work anybody can do – the work on themselves to become better. Growth and improvement demand challenges to the existing state. They require movement – meaningful action taken in a helpful direction.

It feels great. Immediately. Forget that poo-pooing about instant gratification. Discipline and sacrifice felt great for me once I fully committed and acted accordingly.

For me, that proverbial rock bottom wasn’t so much some rock bottom of a physical state, but it was mostly spiritual, emotional, and mental. I was struggling. The struggle was with cause, but without excuse. That is, there were reasons for my struggle – some beyond my control, but all of the responses were fully within my control. I lost my way in the mire of it all. I felt like I was fighting to battle through, but over time I realized that what I recognized as fighting wasn’t fighting at all. It was more like surrender. Surrender to my own selfishness, self-pity, sadness, sorrow, and loneliness.

During the day I’m preaching and evangelizing about leadership being all about a focus on others, but nighttime insomnia was driven by a focus on myself. And overwhelming sorrow created by my own weakness and lack of resolve to become a better man.

After too many weeks of struggling – and I mean REALLY struggling my wife and I got into it for the first time in many, many years. Getting into it doesn’t involve shouting, or losing control. Mostly, it involves frustration. On both our parts. My frustrations poured out and I let them (which was a good thing this time). Once expressed, I heard myself. Here was the turning point. I heard myself and I didn’t like what I heard. I wasn’t hateful or mean-spirited. I was in deep pain and the expressions of that pain weren’t contrived, but they were…scary…and…well, whiny. I heard past my despair and loneliness – the only words I found to accurately describe how I felt. I heard my whining and thought, “Strong men aren’t whiny. You, sir, are NOT a strong man. Not any more. What are you gonna do about it?”

Boys don’t cry is rubbish. Men don’t cry is even bigger rubbish. Strength may not be what you first imagine. It’s not steely-eyed determination – cause some guys don’t have steely eyes no matter what they’re determined to do. It’s not a quiet Spock-like emotionless demeanor. It’s not a lack of vulnerability. It’s not being something you’re not. It’s being more of who you are, but better. Always better. It’s being able to carry a load. Not by yourself, but by being the first to pick it up. It’s not about never complaining, but it’s about knowing the resolution to the complaint begins with you.

It’s about finding the strength to push past whatever challenges you have. I wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed for confiding in my wife about how I was feeling, but I realized how unfair I was being to her. Feeling as though I had attempted to express my pain, I was growing resentful that she was unresponsive. Enter the dragons in my head. Convincing me of how justified I was in my feelings. But I was wrong – and within mere minutes I told her I was wrong. I had ascribed all kinds of thoughts and emotions that were unfair to her and weren’t even accurate. My excuses had oxygen so they continued to burn brightly. Until I got sick and tired, headed back into my corner, looked in the mirror, and pretty quickly sucked all the oxygen out of the room so my excuses were extinguished. Then I could see more clearly. And it was as liberating as the push we’ve been making toward practical minimalism. Purging brings relief.

I didn’t waste time berating myself for having lost my way. That’d only help me remain lost. It was time to come out of the woods of my despair and sadness. Feeling sorry hadn’t worked.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

I hadn’t that prior to finding my way into the corner — where the magic happens! For some moronic reasons – lethargy, ease, complacency, and selfishness – I had resisted the magic. Never avoid the magic.

Lastly, strong men who go the second mile don’t always get it right. It’s constant work, requiring continuous commitment. 

I know I’m a strong man. Mostly, I’ve lived as one, but not always. But I always return or find my way back. Sometimes it’s a longer, tougher slog than at other times, but the important fact is my resolve to find my way forward.

There’s a difference between a lack of repentance and just being a human who sometimes fails. Unrepentant people return to poor behavior. They vow they’ll do better, but don’t. They do one thing but do something different. Strong men repent. They fix what ails them by refusing to return to the poor behavior for which they seek forgiveness. Strong men also acknowledge their wrongs and quickly apologize. They repent. They learn from it, grow and move forward with improved behavior.

“He’ll never apologize for anything,” she says. Plenty of guys say that about their wives, too. Maybe it depicts a lack of humility. Strong men who go the extra mile are men who willingly build their life on humility, which is a focus on others more than on yourself.

Strong men don’t keep score so they may consider that if their wife was wrong and failed to apologize, she may not feel comfortable or emotionally safe to do so. Maybe. I know now. I just know a strong man who goes beyond what’s required and doesn’t demand an apology in order to forgive. He knows he doesn’t always get it right and neither does his wife. So he assumes leadership by putting in the work he knows is required of him, as a husband – then he keeps going beyond that!

After nearly 45 of marriage to the same woman you’d think I’d have it down by now. Not so much. I’m still working on it. I think about it every day, asking myself, “What do I need to do today to make it better?” Most days I fixate on what I need to do to become a strong or stronger man. It depends on the day.

Luke 12:15 “And he said unto them, Take heed, and keep yourselves from all covetousness: for a man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.”

But nearly every man I know ties his worth to how much income he can generate for his wife and family. Not solely, but most married men I’ve talked with through the years admit that they are driven greatly by it. I know I have been throughout my married life. Being a provider is a big part of marriage for a strong man who goes the 2nd mile. It’s just one-half of the double Ps of marriage: protecting and providing. Both matter. One without the other can make a man feel rather useless. More often than not maybe, they’re hard to separate.

I think it speaks to the complex psychology of men which is different from the complex psychology of women. Strong men who go the second mile are able to provide something unique for their wives. The strong women who marry strong men provide something invaluable to those men – something without which they could never be the strong men they are. The respect, support, and love strong women give to strong men is the fuel every man needs. Never doubt a strong man’s determination to win the admiration and love of a strong woman. A man willing to go the extra mile is a man who will not be denied going to the ends of the earth for the woman he loves. And while he may not reach the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow – or reach the ends of the earth – he’ll consume himself with trying. In the effort, he’ll continue to gain strength and resolve. His wife will see the work. She’ll be attracted to his commitment to it – and to her. And no matter what happens to either of them or to them as a couple – they’ll be better because he grew into a strong man willing to go beyond what was required.

May God bless our marriages and our homes!

• Sermons I’ve Preached – InThyPaths.com
• Sermons Preached By Somebody More Talented – LetTheBibleSpeak.tv