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“Tone is the hardest part of saying no.”    ― Jonathan Price, Put That in Writing

You gotta say NO to some things in order to say YES to other things. It’s just a slightly more clever way to express the truth of setting priorities.

Some priorities are easy. God, then family. Well, it’s easy mentally, but it’s more challenging in reality sometimes. Saying God is first – where He deserves and demands to be – is different than actually putting God first.

Matthew 6:33
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

Matthew 10:38-39
“And anyone who does not take up his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

Matthew 22:37-40
“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Exodus 20:3
“You shall have no other gods before me.”

Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths.”

Putting God first isn’t politically correct, but putting family first often is. That’s always seemed odd to me. Not that I don’t love my family, but my family – nobody’s family – is nearly as powerful, as helpful, as worthy…as God. If you’re gonna come in second only to God, that seems a pretty lofty position.

Family is important, but we often make declarations we don’t back up with our actions. Like Walter White on Breaking Bad, we can often declare we’re doing it for our family, but the thing we do damages our family. Self-deception is easy. Facing reality, especially when it’s contrary to what we most want to believe, is hard.

If setting priorities were easy then there’d be no books, articles, podcasts, seminars, or courses on time management. Time management advice is ridiculously basic. Create a to-do list, prioritize things, establish deadlines or time frames to get the thing done, avoid distractions and establish a routine. Paypal me $1,000 and consider yourself trained in time management.

The hard part is establishing the priorities – figuring out what’s most important. Maybe avoiding distractions is hard, too. But nothing is as difficult as figuring out what matters most right now. God matters. Family, too. Yet, when my tire blows out – a stupid tire becomes the priority. Yes, it’s a very brief – momentary – priority, but nothing else much matters until I get that tire replaced. It doesn’t mean God takes a back seat. Or that my wife no longer matters.

If a blown tire can disrupt my overarching life priorities, then it’s easy for me to understand how hard it may be to figure out other things that take up my time. And it may be time I no longer need to devote to a thing. Maybe it’s time to say, “No.”

Flow. Zone. Element.

Terms synonymous with that place where our natural aptitude and what we most love intersect. A third point of intersection is usually in play, too – success. I don’t find any of these 3 easy to figure out. Let’s think about it.

What are you naturally good at? Finding out our natural aptitude seems like it’d be easy, but I’ve not found it easy at all. I suspect that may be a personal problem. 😉

Maybe it’s not the wisest way to view things, but for me, it’s easier to think about what I’m able to do easily. Mostly because I enjoy it. That doesn’t mean I’m good at it. It can be easy to do something poorly even if you enjoy it.

There’s a confusing situation whenever see somebody who is really good at something, but they end up saying, “No” to it. Enter Barry Sanders. R.E.M (the band). Enter whatever favorite story you have of somebody who quit doing something they were good at – maybe even great at. Something that was reasonably easy for them.

“I don’t know what I want.”

A common refrain.

“I know I don’t want this.”

A more common refrain.

It’s another way of looking at things from different directions. Like running toward something versus running away from something. Like counting down the minutes until we can stop versus counting up the day until we can start something.

This great resignation we’re seeing – where people have quit their jobs opting to find a different way of life – has perplexed experts (so there’s little wonder why I’m so puzzled by it). It seems people aren’t measuring job satisfaction or happiness by what they do on the job, but rather by how time off their job gives them to do other things. So it may be that employees aren’t quite as engaged as many employers want to believe. Most workers might be counting down the time – and days – until they can get off work to go do something else. Counting down the days until the weekend. Or until vacation. Or until 5 o’clock. Running away.

Folks are now anticipating the holiday season. People are counting down the days to being with family over the Thanksgiving holiday. Then Christmas. Then New Years. We used to mark our calendars with an X to count down the days. Now, we’re looking on our calendar app on our phone and looking forward to a date. The date when we don’t report to work. The date when our day off or the holiday begins. Running toward something.

You are what you do.

You do what you think about. At least, at first.

You keep thinking about it while you do it.

And you keep doing it. And keep doing it.

Because you want to do it.

Maybe because you want to do it ’cause you love it. Maybe because you enjoy it – whether it’s love or not.

Maybe because you’re good at and you rather like doing something you’re good at.

Is there a singular answer to all this? Not likely. We like what we like. We choose to do what we choose to do. And we’re all likely running from some things and toward other things. I don’t mean we’re hiding or running fearfully, although it’s possible we could be. Rather, I mean sometimes we have to quit something in order to begin something different – hopefully, something wiser and better!

Phil. 3:13 “Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead…”

The Apostle Paul, previously known as Saul of Tarsus, had grown up a devout Jew taught by the greatest rabbis of the day. Well educated, ambitious, articulate, and highly esteemed, Saul gained governmental authority to persecute Christians because the ancient Jews saw Jesus as a threat to their way of life. They rejected Him as the Savior and Messiah, largely because they misunderstood the Old Testament prophecies about the coming Messiah. They thought the Savior would arrive, establish an earthly, physical kingdom and all their problems would be solved. Instead, Christ came to establish a spiritual kingdom, the church, and He was not what they expected. Saul, being devout in his Jewish faith, fought hard against Christ and the Church Jesus had established.

Then something happened. Saul, on his way to Damascus, to persecute more Christians was blinded on the road. You can read it for yourself in Acts 9. Saul was converted and became a Christian when he was baptized so his sins could be forgiven (Acts 9:18). From that moment forward he put behind him his prior prejudices and beliefs against Christ and the church. As an Apostle he was now willingly subject to the scorn, ridiculous and persecution as a Christian. He didn’t run from his past because he repeatedly acknowledged it, but he had clearly abandoned it as he pressed on to spread the gospel of Christ.

Leaving behind one thing and pressing toward something else is what the Bible calls “repentance.” It’s a change of heart that results in changing behavior. Spiritually, it’s about leaving self-will behind and subjecting ourselves to God’s will instead. We can apply it to anything in our lives though. We can leave one job because we want to pursue a different one. We can end a friendship or relationship in lieu of better ones.

I’m counting up on things that matter most. I became a Christian in the summer of 1968 when I was baptized. Next year it’ll be 54 years. I married Rhonda in January 1978. Next year it’ll be 44 years. Those are the two most important milestones in my life and I’m not counting down, but up. They’re points of pride and good feelings of accomplishment.

I’m counting down on some things that also matter, but not as much as God and my marriage. I’m counting down the time when I can make some personal and professional moves. We’re being strategic and thoughtful as we architect our answer to the question, “What’s the very next step we need to take?” This much is certain, we’re going to have to let go of some things in order to grab other things. Go back and listen to the previous episode where Rhonda was thinning the herd of junk in our garage. Gotta get rid of some things so you can have something different – something better! In that case, it’s saying “good-bye” to clutter so you can embrace improved organization and cleaner spaces.

Figuring out what’s what — that seems to be the real key. Prioritizing on the fly may be the most useful skill in all this.

I’m getting clearer all the time on what I care most about. God and faith. Family. Professional pursuits that mean something. That’s pretty much it these days for me. The older I grow the more binary it becomes because it’s much clearer than ever before. I watch with curiosity as folks pursue this, that and the other…knowing that I only want to pursue THIS. I just no longer care about that, and the other. I once did, but those days are behind me.

I’m running hard and fast from any kind of boss activity. I didn’t always.

I’m running hard and fast from pleasing people who are always critical. Mostly, I always have, but I’m more intentional than ever these days.

I’m running hard and fast from people and circumstances that erode my spiritual strength and mental health. I should have learned to do this much, much sooner, but I’m sometimes a slow learner. 😉

I’m running toward people and circumstances that I know fuel my spiritual strength and mental fortitude. Again, something I should have done years ago with greater focus.

I’m running toward service and legacy. It was the genesis of this podcast – to document things that might be helpful. I’m disinterested in dying so people can say, “Well, he always had to be right.” Instead, I’m mostly concerned with folks saying, “He was helpful. He made a positive difference during a time when I needed it most.”

I’m running toward fixing my weaknesses so they’re less problematic and I’m running toward strengthening my strong points so I can leverage them more efficiently.

I have 3 verbs written on my whiteboard. They’ve been there for a very long time – may be so long they’d be hard to erase now. They represent what I want for myself and what I most want my content – 100% of it – to produce for anybody who pays attention to what I do!

Feel > Think > Do

Above those words, in really big letters I wrote the point of it all.

That’s my story today, Thursday, November 4, 2021. That’s also a wrap for episode 20 of season 2021. And I’m sticking to it. Until some new ideal outcome enters my world.

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Today is a free-form format. I used to do this very often. The urge hit me to do it again. So I did. I hope you enjoy it.

Permit me to hawk my other podcasts: High Impact Influence at GrowGreat.com and Hot Springs Village Inside Out at HSVInsideOut.com.

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Jackson Browne is among my all-time favorite singer/songwriters. Saturate Before Using, his 1972 album is all it took. But that was just the beginning. Two years later, 1974 brought us Late For The Sky, a record I’ll consistently put into my top 3 albums. While his politics aren’t my cup of tea, his talent sure is! Today’s title is a snippet from track 1 of his latest album, Downhill From Everywhere – “Still Looking For Something.” The entire line is indicative of his creativity.

And I knew since I was just little
The sharp edges of the world will whittle
Your dreams down to shavings at your feet
Gonna do my best not to settle
I know it’s gonna test my mettle
Keep my options open, even so I’m hoping

The sharp edges of the world will whittle your dreams down to shavings at your feet.

Will we do our best not to settle? Good question.

Some days you eat the bear, some days the bear eats you. In 1974 I first saw that saying as an album cover by Ian Matthews while visiting Leisure Landing, my favorite record just outside the gates of LSU. Simply put, sometimes you win…sometimes you lose.

That’s how the sharp edges of the world happen. Sometimes you avoid them. Sometimes you don’t. I think Jackson is right though. Mostly, they whittle away. At our dreams and just about everything else we seek. Especially if we don’t fight back. Hard. Every day.

But there are some other parts of the world that aren’t sharp edges. There are some rather pleasant areas of the world that don’t whittle. They foster growth, resilience, and change. Truth be told, the sharp edges that can whittle can also serve to provide those valuable things for us if we’ll leverage them properly. Struggles and sorrows often define us. Much more so than the joyful moments.

After the famed Alabama Crismon Tide football team lost to Texas A&M Aggies, head coach Nick Saban said two things that illustrate the point.

• “Players have to remember how they feel when they don’t have success.” 
• “Sometimes the best lessons you learn are when you do have failings.” Saban says it’s human nature to be more willing to learn when you don’t get things right.

It’s not just for college football players. Or their coaches. It’s true for each of us. We need to remember how we feel when we don’t have success. And there’s little doubt that the most valuable lessons are those taught to us by failure.

Two things – the sharp edges of the world that whittle away our dreams and our response to that reality.

Sharp edges are events and circumstances, sometimes the ones resulting from our own behavior, sometimes not. Sharp edges are also people. The people who hate us, who give us no consideration, who show us no compassion, who judge us harshly. So sharp edges might be anything from health concerns, to financial troubles, to grief, to sadness, to sorrow, to struggles of any kind. And they might also be the people who don’t have our best interests at heart. Those folks who aren’t interested in helping us, but would prefer to hurt us.

Whoever you are, wherever you live – you experience both forms of sharp edges of the world. There is no vaccination. Nobody has antibodies that will protect them from such things.

No need to enumerate all the ways the world cuts us with sharp edges. We can all prove that truth with our own lives. Our struggles are real. We don’t often intentionally go looking for the sharp edges. Mostly, we run into them. Or they run into us. But years ago I was reading about various hustlers and con men who start each day at zero, then work like fiends during the day to score big – to get as much money as they can – only to end the day back at zero. These folks are different than most (thankfully). They go out each day looking for the sharp edges, willing to end their day cut to pieces, but only after doing some cutting of their own. These folks refuse to live conventional, responsible lives. Mostly fueled by selfishness and bad habits, they’re enterprising predators who seem hooked on the adrenaline of the sharp edges of the world. Life on the edge makes no allowances for accepting something more mundane.

They’re the sole example that I can think of where the notion could be put forth that the sharp edges of the world don’t whittle away their dreams. But it seems to me that’s exactly what happens, even with these folks. They’re chasing something they’ll never catch. Maybe they even realize it, but they don’t care. It’s not about catching anything, but it’s more about pursuing – and doing it the way they want. Bad behavior is its own reward. Never mind who gets hurt. Never mind if it results in a wasted life. The point is to do what you want as often as possible without regard to anybody else. Judge it as you will. Me? Based on my Christian beliefs, it’s a wasted life where the sharp edges of the world do even more harm than it does to those of us willing to battle our own self-centeredness. Temperance is a benefit.

I’m going out on a limb and assuming anybody listening to me here isn’t heading into the sharp edges of the world because you’re thrilled by it. But if you are, I’d be interested in speaking with you to learn more. It’s a way of life I just can’t understand.

What I do understand – more fully than ever before now that I’m old – is how the sharp edges of the world don’t just beat us down but whittle away at our dreams and our reality. If Jackson’s lyrics were 100% accurate, that dreams were the only fatality of the sharp edges, then that’d be bad enough. But there’s more casualties – reality. Mostly, because we allow it. Not because the sharp edges have more power, but because we give them even more power.

The irony is that those hustlers living by their wits every day, searching for sharp edges, are living a reality of their own making. But so are we – those of us choosing a different path. A more responsible path. A more compassionate path. We’re forming our own reality based on our experiences with the sharp edges. For example, there are times we believe their sharper and more deadly than they really are. And there are times when they seem fatal, but they’re not. Conversely, there are times they don’t seem fatal, but they are. It can be hard to tell.

So much of our lives are choice – how we choose or prefer to see things. What we choose to think, feel and do. The sharp edges of the world aren’t any different except in how we choose to see them. You’ve likely seen many memes like this one…

It’s true. It is all about decisions. But decisions are made based on how we see the world and our place in it.

Hero or victim. Those are the two binary choices I concentrate on because it seems to me there’s no middle ground. We’re either a hero or a victim, or on our way to one or the other. We’re either blaming or taking responsibility. Blamers are victims. Heroes take responsibility.

Compassion and empathy compel me to understand that sharp edges aren’t created equally. Some are way more dangerous – sharper – than others. While the Harbaugh football family mantra is, “Who’s got it better than us? NOBODY” — I know there are families who have a very different mantra but I love the Harbaugh family outlook.

Why did papa Harbaugh roll that way when so many others choose to lament what they don’t have? I don’t know, but I know this – he had a choice in how to raise his kids and lead his family. He choose to see life the way he did and he taught his kids to do the same. Here’s some quotes from an article Jim Harbaugh wrote for The Players’ Tribune on February 1, 2016. He’s the head football coach for the University of Michigan.

I shared a room with my brother for 16 years, and my dad always made us feel like that was the greatest thing in the world. Like we had this whole house, and my brother and I had a special piece of it all to ourselves. Never mind the fact that most kids wanted (and a lot of kids had) their own rooms. We were lucky to share a room. We got to share each other’s stories, each other’s dreams.

“Who’s got it better than you guys?!”

“No-body, Dad!”

That’s how it was in our house. A lot of excitement. A lot of competition. A lot of love.

Later on we realized, Okay, maybe some people did have it better … But my parents were right about just about everything. It’s staggering how right they were. Maybe having an exciting childhood in a loving home is as good as it gets. And we had that. So how could anybody have it better?

How indeed? All by making a choice of how we’re going to see the sharp edges of the world and protect ourselves from letting them whittle away our dreams. Choosing instead, to let them forge us into people filled with gratitude, determination, and resilience.

Life may be less about trying to dodge the sharp edges of the world – except those we’re responsible for creating due to our own foolishness – and it may be more about knowing that’ll bite us every now and again, but facing them with the thankfulness that things are as well with us as they are, however, well they may be. Thankfulness and gratitude are always the paths forward. Coupled with competing daily to make sure the sharp edges don’t win, but strengthen us so we can!

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Hero or victim?

Do you think there’s some other option?

What would it be?

I don’t know either. But I do know that disasters make heroes. I wish it weren’t true – that Instagram moments would help us become heroes. It just doesn’t work that way.

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It’s Saturday morning. Late. Pushing noon. And I’ve got some work to do. Computer work. Website updates. Video editing. Some voice work. General catching up.

I usually do one of two things: a) fire up my iTunes library and don the headphones to listen to whatever strikes my fancy at the moment or b) I fire up the TV here inside The Yellow Studio and find something to watch (well, more accurately, something to be on in the background). Insomnia usually provokes music. Saturday mornings usually provoke TV. Especially during college football season.

Today, I go to Amazon Prime because I’ve been meaning to watch the Val Kilmer documentary, VAL. The one about his life.

My Val Kilmer fandom centers around The Saint. It’s a 1997 movie with Elizabeth Shue. I’m a big fan of hers, too – thanks to that movie. It’s one of the few movies I bought on DVD. I still have it.

I launch the documentary, with subtitles on so I can kinda sorta keep up while doing other things. But within minutes I stop doing anything else. I’m intently watching this thing, narrated by his son because Val recovered from throat cancer which left him unable to speak without the aid of a vibrator attached to his neck.

I Google him because I don’t know how old he is. He’s 61. I’m 64. It’s impossible not to make comparisons. Especially when it comes to health.

He confesses that he was the first person he ever knew to have a video camera. And he used it. A lot. All the time. So much so, that he has boxes and boxes and boxes of videotapes he’s shot through the years. And writings. And scrapbooks. Material chronicling his life, a story he desperately wants to tell. But now he’s not got the voice for it. His son does. A son who looks and sounds like him.

Deep into the movie he’s sobbing as he puts a large necklace belonging to his deceased mother around his neck. Her absence still hits him hard.

His mother divorced his dad when Val was 8. Repeated infidelities took their toll on her. His dad, a real estate developer, wanted to be among the largest landowners in California. So much so that his dad, at one point unable to get a loan, asked Val to co-sign on some massive land deals. Val agreed. He said, without hesitation. Even gave his dad power of attorney, which his father used to form 20 or more shell companies to avoid paying taxes. Until it finally caught up with him.

Facing the prospect of suing his own father or writing a check that would exhaust his personal wealth, Val said:

I wrote the check and went to work.

Should he have? I’m sure many think he should have kept his money and refused to bail out his unscrupulous father. But it was his money to do with as he wanted. From the sound of it, he didn’t deliberate much. He wrote the check, then got back to work to earn more money.

Don’t worry about the money you’re not making. Besides, you’ll earn more.

Focusing On Our Loss & Lack

It’s easy to dwell on our losses and what we don’t have. Easier when the losses and lack are extensive, but it’s not helpful. Okay, it might be helpful if your stupidity contributed to the loss – you wanna make sure you learn not to repeat the mistake. I know ’cause I’ve got a litany of such errors in my wake. The most expensive of them was $50,000. I gave it to a person I thought was a friend. It’s a long story I’d rather forget, but every now and again it bubbles back up and irks me to no end. Mostly, because I was duped by a man who I thought I could trust. I was wrong! He was unscrupulous, dishonest, and a consummate liar. I was stupid! Really…really…really stupid.

But I learned. I’ve not “invested” money with anybody since. I give people money if I can afford to and want to – with no expectation to get it back. Ever. I don’t loan money. Period. I’d never make it as a venture capitalist. 😀 For starters, I’m too poor. For another, I hate losing money.

See what I mean? Focusing on losses stirs up nothing positive! I mean this happened to me many years ago and it still stings even though I absolutely learned my lesson.

Thinking about this compelled me to just now texted the man who “stole” my money. When he asked for it, he promised he’d return it with a reasonable return. He never returned it, even when I told him I didn’t care about any return. I was nice. I was polite. Then I got assertive. Then aggressive. Then I had an attorney draft a letter to him. Nothing.

I think he’s dead, but I’m not sure. I just texted, “Curious how you’re doing?” The person on the other end just replied, “Who is this?” I told them my name and said, “…a blast from the past.” They replied, “Wrong number.” No way to know really.

See what happens when you focus on what you don’t have? You get distracted and it serves no useful purpose. I don’t feel the least little bit better for having remembered my $50K loss.

It’s much wiser to focus on our good favor, fortune, and blessings. For example, I could afford to lose $50K. It wasn’t (still isn’t) an insignificant amount, but it didn’t impact my life. So that’s good.

And it in no way impacts all the great things I’ve got to be thankful for. So I’m best served by letting it go. I mean, if the guy who broke his word and kept the money is dead, well, I’m not impacting him by dwelling on it. And if he’s alive, I’m still not impacting him by getting worked up about it. I’m only hurting myself.

I often use road rage to illustrate the same thing. Somebody cuts us off in traffic and we’re outraged. We can behave foolishly and speed up, tailgate them – or something worse. Really stupid. Or we can just fuss and fume thinking the worst. In either case, we do more injury to ourselves than them. They’re unconcerned about us, completely unaware of how we’re feeling about them (unless we ride their bumper and behave like an idiot).

Who are we hurting here? We’re hurting ourselves. Nobody else gets hurt. So why do we do it?

Because it’s hard to let things go. It can be difficult to write the check and go to work. Maybe by talking about it, and thinking about it we can grow our determination to behave more wisely.

Writing the check can also represent doing the right thing no matter what.

It’s admirable, but something we often wish we didn’t have to do. And we don’t. Have to do it, that is.

Anybody can do the right thing when nothing is on the line. Or when it suits us best.

The best among us do the right thing all the time. Regardless of the circumstances, situation or consequences.

Pride and selfishness are often the culprits. We want what we want and if we have to give something up to do the right thing…we hesitate. Or not. We just refuse. Situations sometimes overpower what we know is right.

I’ve been somewhat fixated on Val’s statement because it represents so much. And over time I realize it has much to do with regret, bitterness, and failing to move past our mistakes. I don’t want those things to characterize me. And betrayal isn’t something I want to focus on.

As Tom Petty sang, “It’s time to move on. It’s time to get going.”