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“All opinions are not equal. Some are a very great deal more robust, sophisticated and well supported in logic and argument than others.”       ― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

I don’t have a picture of me with blinders on, but I’ve got plenty of photos with headphones on.

I’ve intentionally been leading up to this for a while. My preoccupation for the last year has been learning how humans can be fueled by judgment. We love it. Most of us practice it proficiently. It makes us feel better about ourselves. Superior.

Part of my fascination with watching and learning more about this isn’t because of my own perfection, but just the opposite. I’ve never felt superior to hardly anybody. Ever. I just don’t think like that. I can be like most folks…prone to compare myself to others…but I’m more driven to understand people and spend my time working to figure them out. That’s my worm-hole…observing, learning and trying to figure people out. So people for whom judgment – harsh, critical judgment – comes easily are a mystery to me that I try to better understand.

My journey includes a strong desire to obtain and maintain peace. It’s less about making people like me, but more about working to avoid unnecessary conflict. I’m fond of productive conflict where people vigorously debate viewpoints in profitable ways. That is, when people argue a point with stated reasonings so you can learn why they think what they think. I’m equally unfond of people who want to argue with shallowness. “Why do you feel that way?” — “I just do!” That’s frustrating because it does nothing to help me understand WHY.

I judge people and situations plenty. All the time, in fact. But it’s discernment.

the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure

It’s the noticing that I can’t seem to do anything about. I used to try to avoid seeing things. I can’t. In fact, whenever I’ve tried to avoid seeing things it only intensifies my noticing.

I told a young person this week, “The thing I’d urge you to do sooner than later is to rid your life of the toxic, unsafe people in your life. I wish I had begun that process much sooner.”

I currently have very few unsafe people in my life – people who are close enough to me to have any relationship with me. I steer clear of unsafe people because it’s how I choose to live. And if they judge me for it, that’s not my problem. I don’t care.

Which serves to launch forth into the topic of caring. Or more appropriately NOT caring.

How can you stop caring what people think?

Boy do I not have this figured out, but I have made progress through the years. And I’m quite qualified to lay down some logic on you. Unfortunately, it’s the emotional head trash that gets in the way. That stuff overrides logic. But reiterating the logic may help us find a path forward to stop letting the opinions of others – especially the people who don’t matter to us – get in the way of our success.

I’m launching a new initiative that is hopefully going to be 100% of what I do professionally. Operating professional, paid-for, peer advisory groups for leaders. I’m currently working to build groups of SMB (small to medium-sized businesses) owners. Seven people in each group, with me serving as the facilitator.

I sent an email to a few of my Linkedin connections merely to let them know about it and to invite them to learn more. Once in a while I’ll get a reply like this (this is word-for-word what the lady wrote back):

I did not sign up for your emails, please take me off your list.

I made a quick discernment and figured anybody who’d take the time to write that after getting one email, isn’t likely somebody I’d enjoy working with. And I moved on. No, I didn’t respond. I just closed the door behind her, respecting her request.

Years ago that would have gotten into my head. I’d have likely gotten critical of myself and perhaps looked more closely at the wording of the email. Today, I know the wording has nothing to do with it. The offer or information in the email has nothing to do with it. The timing probably doesn’t have anything to do with it. She’s wired the way she’s wired and she sees the world through a very different lens than the one I’m looking through. It’s fine. Her response made me a winner because it gave me a concrete answer. A rejection. That’s a win for me because I know where she stands. And I also know she’s not my cup of tea because I’m not her cup of tea. It’s a big world and she’ll be a good fit for somebody who wants to serve her. Her action only gave me this illustration. Nothing more.

I literally spent 20 seconds opening and reading her email, then deleted her as a 1st connection on Linkedin to ensure that I wouldn’t violate her space again.

Growing from being affected by such a reply to not being affected was a process. One that depended on me thinking logically about what was happening so I could arm myself up to tackle the harder work – the emotional work.

It began when I asked myself, “Why do I care?” I don’t recall the specific thing, but it was likely something as innocuous as this lady’s email response. Nothing hateful. Just a negative reaction. And it sent me down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out how to avoid getting that reaction. I did that for too long. Until I paused my mind long enough to realize the truth of it – I didn’t create that reaction. And that reaction has nothing to do with me.

My intention wasn’t dishonorable. I wasn’t intrusive unless you consider getting an email out of the blue intrusive. I haven’t sent multiple emails. I’ve sent ONE email. Within 3 minutes of hitting send, I got her reply. She did what she did on auto-pilot I suspect. Which means it wasn’t personal. Had nothing to do with the contents of the email. And the only way to find get this response was to do exactly what I did – send her an email. Because here’s the truth. I could have done what I’ve coached lots of salespeople NOT to do. Pre-qualify somebody based on what you think. “They won’t buy.” Or, “They won’t be interested.” Who am I to make that decision for somebody else? That’s her call and I respect whatever decision she makes. That’s the logic of it all.

The story in our head is what gets in our way. We craft a narrative upon which we have little or no evidence. She hates me. She thinks my offer is horrible. She would have responded differently if I had worded it better. On and on it goes. In our head. The story of what went wrong. Where’s the evidence that anything went wrong? There isn’t any.

What worked for me was giving up control.

That’s right. Giving up control thinking I could affect every outcome. That’d be true if I were in charge of everybody’s thoughts and emotions, but I’m not. Some days I struggle with my own. 😉

It’s about giving respect to other people. Enough respect to know they’re going to think whatever they choose to think and they’ll feel whatever they choose to feel. I can only concern myself with my thoughts, feelings and intentions. If others ascribe to me thoughts, feelings or intentions that aren’t accurate, then I don’t worry about it. Sure, I may make an effort – IF I’m afforded the opportunity (which doesn’t often happen with toxic, unsafe, judgmental people). But I just turn the page and close the door behind them after they make it clear they’re going to walk through the door. Closing the door is my obligation to my own life. I get to decide who gets in and who doesn’t. Long gone are the days where I was more interested in doing whatever I could to get people who were inside my life to stay there. Logic taught me that they’re not in control of who gets into my life and who doesn’t. That’s my own responsibility to myself.

It’s the value of blinders and headphones.

It’s really the value of a healthy perspective and focuses on doing right by yourself instead of fretting so much about doing right by everybody else.

Now let’s make one thing clear. Well, I hope to make everything clear, but there’s one thing I absolutely do not want to be misunderstood. This isn’t selfish, self-centered arrogance. Nor is it behaving with chronic displays of ingratitude. Or being narcissistic.

It’s putting in the effort to make sure your intentions are honest. It’s giving proper consideration to the other person. It’s not being as presumptuous as perhaps you’ve been, thinking you can control the other person.

Instead, it’s about giving everybody the freedom to do as they please, even if their choice goes against you. It’s about holding expectations high for yourself while lowering what you expect from others. That was particularly hard for me. Not in a what can I get out of it sort of way, but in a way where I expected people to behave in a certain way.

For example, have you ever been lied to? Or lied about? Well, who hasn’t, right? We’ve all experienced both I suspect. Such behavior would always disappoint me. I thought better of people than that. But I’ve learned not to expect it (although admittedly there are people I do expect it of), but I’ve learned to not be so surprised by it. Or to dwell on it.

The injustice of it used to vex me, but through the years I’ve learned to just accept it. I know it’s not because these people don’t have access to the truth. Or because they lack the opportunity to speak with me directly to know whether or not what they’re saying is true. But because I know they do have those opportunities. Which means I can now discern their dishonest intentions and decide for myself how I’ll respond. I choose not to respond. I choose to ignore it and continue on with my life.

The value of blinders and headphones. The value of not looking at it (more closely) or listening to it. I’ve been working harder and harder to not being able to see it or hear it. I’m not there yet, but I’m confident I’ll make progress toward that end. Part of me is worried that if I push it too far I won’t be mindful, but this past year has taught me that I’m worried for no reason. Because I intend to be helpful and because that’s so important to me…it’s not going to happen. I’m never going to reach a place where I just don’t care what anybody thinks. Ever.

I’ve learned to discriminate. We hear that word used mostly in a negative context, but the fact is we must discriminate. We put limits on all sorts of things. We discriminate with our buying habits if we’re smart. We don’t just go buy everything we may want. Impulsive spenders do and they end up in financial straits. Hopefully, we’re financially responsible, which largely hinges us being discriminating.

We’re discriminating about the people with whom we associate. You don’t likely just invite anybody over to your house? And this exercise of discrimination impacts where you go and the activities you engage in, too.

Opinions. 

That’s really what we’re talking about. Opinions other people have of us.

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”
― Oscar Wilde, De Profundis

Self Esteem.

That’s the other thing we’re talking about. Maybe better said…how you feel about yourself. Specifically, your belief. In yourself.

Too frequently what we believe about ourselves isn’t from us, but from other people. The search for validation from others is a daily, exhausting exercise. Hoping we find people who won’t make us feel worse about ourselves. But more often than not finding people more capable of helping us find a new low in how we feel about ourselves.

You don’t have to be a people pleaser either. That just makes you even more susceptible to the opinions of others, but everybody can be impacted by what others think and say about them.

We worry about what is. We worry about what could be. We worry about what may never be, too.

I subscribe to far too many YouTube channels. Quite a few of them are vloggers (video bloggers) who are professional or semi-professional photographers. It’s not because I’m a photographer or even an aspiring photographer. I’m smitten by their creativity and ability to produce high-quality content.

I just watched a video by one such YouTuber. He had a guest on his show, another YouTuber. A portion of the conversation was one I’ve seen many times before by vloggers. They were in a very public place with lots of people around, both of them shooting video and the guest questioned his host, “How do you do this with all these people around? Aren’t you self-conscious?” The host went on to explain that he gets into a zone and pays no attention to the people around him. Meanwhile, the guest joked about the reason his videos most often show him crouched behind a dumpster or something shooting his videos.

Rather than easily blame this on the difference between being an extrovert or introvert, I’ve seen this conversation many times online among YouTubers. In fact, almost all of them have recorded shows where they confessed they suffered this same malady when they first started vlogging. But the more they do it, the more comfortable they become shooting video and talking into their camera while the world passes by.

The fear of what other people will think is universal. But perhaps so is the habit of doing whatever it is we want to do anyway.

We can be enslaved by what other people think. Strangers mostly. People who mean nothing to us in terms of our having a relationship with them. A vlogger talking into her camera in a public place isn’t surrounded by close friends, but by complete strangers. Why would she care what they think of her? I don’t know, but I understand it. Don’t you?

It defies logic.

We care about these strangers and what they’ll think of us. Mostly, we start making judgments about what they’ll think of us. And it’s never positive. It’s more logical to think a stranger could see such a spectacle and think, “Man, I wish I had the courage to do that.” But we never think that way. Instead, we think they’ll be saying, “Look at that ego-maniac thinking they’re so special they have to record everything in their life.”

We adjust our own thinking to match what these imagined naysayers might think. It curbs our enthusiasm. Not because they do it to us, but because we give them permission to affect us that way. We stop trusting our judgment and begin to rely more on what others think. Well, actually – we rely more on what we think they’ll think of us.

Safety is important and I would never overrate it, but we must keep it on context. I’m all about ridding our lives of unsafe people. They’re destructive to our lives. But that’s not the same thing as living a life that’s too safe – one where we’re fearful to take a step in any direction. A paralyzed life.

When we surrender our life to the opinions of others we crawl into a space where we think we’ll be safe. It’s actually a prison. I’ve never been to prison, but they don’t seem very safe to me. Confining? Yes, but safe? No.

Lock yourself up and throw away the key.

That’s what we do when we value the opinions of others over our own opinion. It’s a no-win game, too. Think about it. Have you lived any part of your life, or perhaps a significant part of your life, trying to please others? How has that worked out? Have you been able to pull that off?

Logically, you know that how you feel about yourself matters most. The trap is basing your own feelings on how others feel. Or what others think. And there’s this…their opinion of you, even if it is negative, is just passing. It’s not other people go around with you on their mind 24/7. But for you, it IS 24/7. Your feelings about yourself rule your life. Momentary judgment by somebody else – even if it’s stated judgment – now has longer-term power because you allowed it. You gave it greater strength and lifespan. This is where stepping back to think through this stuff may help you better realize what’s happening. Realizing what’s actually happening can serve us to figure out ways to curb it. Maybe even stop it altogether.

Shutting out other people’s opinions is key. And much easier said than done.

Permit a brief sidetrack about social and emotional intelligence. We used to just call it “people skills.” Reading cues from others and knowing how to respond in ways that foster safety and comfort – that’s the skill. You can’t exercise such skill with your eyes and ears closed. Greater awareness of your surroundings and the people in them provide you with the necessary information to figure out how to best respond. Or not (if you lack social awareness).

I’m thinking of somebody I know who has poor social awareness, but he’s unaware of it. He responds to almost all situations with awkward attempts at humor. I watch it from a safe distance with amazement that he can’t seem to find the bravery (or whatever it may be) to just remain silent and listen. But I’ve seen this before. Many times. Social awkwardness that results from the inability to properly read people or the situation. It prompts awkward responses.

We certainly don’t want that, but that would be the result if we completely shut out other people’s opinions. For me, the brain drain has been my naturally leanings toward heightened awareness – the downside of being a noticer. Like I said before, every time I try to curb my noticing it works in reverse to elevate it. I’m better off just behaving as naturally and not giving it more attention.

According to Healthline.com…

A sociopath is a term used to describe someone who has antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). People with ASPD can’t understand others’ feelings. They’ll often break rules or make impulsive decisions without feeling guilty for the harm they cause.

The upside of being a sociopath is you’re able to completely ignore the opinions and feelings of others. Well, none of what that.

How in the Sam Hill can we fix this mess? What can we do so our lives aren’t ruined by how much credence we give to others?

I’ve hinted at one big problem. It’s not necessarily the opinion of others. It’s the opinion we project on them. It’s what we THINK they’ll think. This is our own head trash.

The vlogger embarrassed to shoot in front of a public crowd is projecting his own fears on the people in the crowd. He doesn’t know these people. He knows nothing about them. But he’s able in a nanosecond to assert that they’re thinking negative things about him because he’s talking into his own camera. Those are his fears, not theirs.

That’s as a good a place to start fixing this as any. To understand that we’ve met the enemy and he is us.

The paradox is that the judgment we hope to avoid is being intensified. And we’re the guilty party. We’re the ones judging what others will think, feel or say. That judgment drifts over into us judging ourselves based on how we’re judging others.

Is that fair?

No. It’s not even logical. Or probable…that everybody who sees the vlogger will think something negative. Truth is, most people won’t notice or care. They’re busy going about their own day. Others are more likely to find it interesting. The vlogger’s fears are being projected onto every single one of them though and that causes him to shrink and vlog with less enthusiasm.

“What will THEY think?”

We’ve all said it. And wondered about it. As fond as I am of questions, it’s a really poor question. It’s a question that serves no useful purpose.

What we’re really saying is that we’re fearful of the judgment of others. Again, what purpose does that serve? Suppose the judgment is as critical as we fear. I’ve got another question, “What difference does it make?”

The word is “embarrassment.”

Have grandkids or children in your life and you’ll soon be engaged in a study of embarrassment. Five grandkids fill my life. Each are very different. Some are boisterous and outgoing. Others are more reserved. But they’re all prone to embarrassment about SOMETHING. It’s fascinating how one thing can embarrass one of them and not faze the others. It’s cute in kids. It’s sad in adults.

What is embarrassment?

a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness

Psychology Today has this to say about it…

Embarrassment is a painful but important emotional state. Most researchers believe that its purpose is to make people feel bad about their social or personal mistakes so that they don’t repeat them (thus benefiting the larger society), and its physiological side effects—like blushing, sweating, or stammering—may signal to others that someone recognizes their error and is not cold-hearted or oblivious. In fact, studies have shown that people who act embarrassed after committing a “bad act”—like knocking over a store display—are perceived as more likable than those who don’t, regardless of whether or not anything is done to make amends for the mistake.

Someone can also feel embarrassed on behalf of other people, a phenomenon known as vicarious embarrassment. Shame is another “self-conscious emotion” in the same category as embarrassment; it’s often deep-seated and related to self-esteem, and can be felt even when no one else knows about real or imagined slip-ups. Guilt is a similar emotion to both shame and embarrassment, but unlike either, it tends to focus specifically on what one has done, rather than who one is.

Embarrassment isn’t all the same. The vlogger is embarrassed even though nothing has happened. He’s done nothing. The crowd around him has done nothing. He’s embarrassed because of fears in his head.

That’s hardly the same thing as standing up in front of people with your fly unzipped. Discovering such a thing causes embarrassment which serves you in the future. Make sure your pants are zipped up so it doesn’t happen again.

It’s that social awareness stuff – people skills – we talked about earlier. We learn how to respond properly to people and situations.

When we let the opinions of others – mostly, the opinions we fear they’ll have – stop us, then we’re allowing our embarrassment to imprison us. It’s embarrassment without any evidence. No unzipped fly. Just fear in our head.

It’s different. But the same. We don’t want to be embarrassed.

Think about the last time you were embarrassed. What happened?

I’ll tell you mine. I walk. Quite a lot. In the middle of the night. Don’t ask. I sometimes live like a vampire. Not on a quest for blood, but I often come alive at night. 😉

I often walk by some baseball fields. As I walk around the fields, especially on the backside, I pick up baseballs that have been hit over the fence. I’ve got about 150 baseballs from just this summer.

The other day I collected a record number of baseballs. I carried a little fishnet bag to put them in. It’ll hold 8 or so. Well, I found 18 balls. EIGHTEEN!

I crammed 9 or 10 into the bag. The bag started to rip. Refusing to leave any ball behind, I grew embarrassed at what others might think. Here’s what’s stupid about it. Well, honestly, everything is stupid about it. But this is true confession time.

This was early in the morning. We’re talking about very few people being out. But the walk from behind the ball fields means walking between two dog parks (big dogs on one side and smaller dogs on the other – with a sidewalk going between them). At most there may be one person with a dog in one or the other. These dog parks aren’t fully occupied so early in the morning. But I began to be embarrassed carting all these baseballs around.

Think of this. A grown man. An old man. On an early morning walk. Collecting all these baseballs. Walking around with a fishnet bag full of them, which means you can see I’ve got baseballs. And in each hand, I’ve got 3-4. What kind of freak is this walking around our neighborhood? Oh, that’s the crazy old man who lives over there.

I did what you do. And what everybody does. I didn’t stop to face that fear or embarrassment, even though I did stop long enough to take that picture of the 18 balls. A record-setting walk.

Once I got between the two dog parks I started grinning broadly. The thought struck me, what if I behaved excited about this record-setting walk. It was funny to think about shouting, “Hey, look how many baseballs I collected this morning!”

Here’s the fact. The truth. It’s not a big deal.

It illustrates how our minds can work against us though. If I can fear embarrassment about walking around with 18 baseballs, then I can fear just about anything, right? Quit laughing at me. You’re no better! 😀

We’re all ninnies. Sometimes.

Do you know how freeing it is to not care what people think? Sure you do. Now let’s think of a time when that happened. Besides, we need to counteract thinking of a time when we were embarrassed. So think of a time when you just didn’t care what anybody thought. Maybe it was because you wanted something badly enough it didn’t matter. Maybe it was because you stopped and thought long enough about how ridiculous you were being. It doesn’t matter. Just think of a time. Remember how liberating it felt?

I’ve been in quite a few workshops or seminars where participants were asked to present in front of the group. It always starts off, “Who wants to go first?” Some ballon-headed ego maniac tends to leap up hoping to show off. 😀

By the time it gets around to the third or fourth person, I’ll raise my hand. In those situations, I just don’t give a care what anybody, especially the people in charge, thinks. I’m pretty confident on my feet and logic tells me (based on evidence) that I’m fairly competent in such moments and evidence also tells me nothing bad is going to happen. It helps that I’m able to laugh at myself. In fact, I’m usually the first to do it. So I figure if I get up and my fly is unzipped, I’ll point it out, zip up and remind any gentleman in the audience, “Check your zippers right now!” I guarantee I’ll have every man check his pants.

It’s beyond liberating. It’s rather exciting. I’d say it’s even FUN.

That’s the evidence speaking. Not head trash. Not fear. Not worrying about what others will think. You know what it really is? It’s control of your own life. That’s the exciting part.

The value of blinders and headphones is just a metaphor for putting a stop to comparing yourself to others. We look at what others are doing. We listen to what they’re doing.

I’ve been podcasting for many years. I’m not successful by any measurement that most people care about. I don’t make money podcasting. I don’t have a big audience. I’ve never tried to game the system. I don’t care. When I began I never expected any of those things. It’s not because I didn’t think I could do it successfully. It’s because those weren’t the drivers for me then, and they’re not the drivers for me now. I know and keep up with the space. I know more about podcasting than most people ever will. Because I started early and I’ve stayed with it. I love doing it and I think I’m capable. I’ve also gotten better because I’ve put in the work.

I bring that up because this is one endeavor where I just don’t care what others think. I never have. I care about YOU. I care about bringing value to you. I hope I make some meaningful difference in your day or week. To have a meaningful impact on your life is a big ask and I’m not sure I’m capable of something that grandiose. 😉

Would I like to have more of you listening? Sure, but I spend no time trying to crack that code with format changes, length of shows, release days, cover art, social media promotion or anything else. It’s pretty organic around here, which is why my audience is limited – and why I’m good with it. We’re like a small club and that suits me.

I’m part of the podcasting community and have been for 20 years. I still get tickled at people in forums and groups clamoring to get into Apple’s New & Noteworthy. Or people with four episodes wanting to figure out to make money. I don’t disrespect them. I just don’t care. And I really don’t care about the Joe Rogans or other super successful podcasters who are able to make tons of money in their podcasts. Good for them. I’m not them. And I’m good with it.

Fact is, I spend NO TIME comparing myself to other podcasters. And I can’t really explain it. How am I able to get up in front of a group of strangers at a workshop or seminar and not care? How am I able to podcast week after week for years on end and not care? How am I NOT able to walk around with 18 baseballs without caring? Makes no sense.

Welcome to the human race and the power of our mind. Captured by our own thoughts. Thoughts we clearly can control if only we would.

Few things have proven as strong as a mind made up. 

I’m not remotely tempted to compare my podcasting to anybody else. It started that way and if anything, it’s just grown stronger through the years. Maybe the key is I began it that way.

Here’s what we all logically know is true. Everybody has their own head trash. Everybody has their own worries, troubles and fears. We THINK everybody is watching us, but even as I walk between the dog parks with 18 baseballs, the reality is all those people with dogs in the park are fixated on their lives. Turns out there weren’t many people in the park at that hour of the morning, but even if the parks were packed…I’d have largely gone unnoticed. That’s the truth.

It doesn’t feel that way in our head though.

Free yourself from others. Stop fretting about what other people MAY think. Quit running from your fear and face it. Because it’s pointless. Fear truly does mean False Evidence Appearing Real. No evidence. No logic.

The evidence is that what Joe Rogan does in his podcasting glory and success has no bearing on my podcasting endeavors. Zero. But I could become fixated on his success – or anybody else’s success – and let it impact how I feel about my own efforts. Again, what use would that be? How would that help me grow or improve? It wouldn’t!

Who are you comparing yourself against? Don’t answer that. It’s likely an enormous number that includes people you know well, people you barely know and people you don’t know at all. It’s EVERYBODY.

Let it go. Today.

In the past 40 years, parents have grown increasingly focused on the self-esteem of their children. It prompted the “everybody gets a trophy” fakery that has provided such entitlement that now workplaces are challenged with people who can’t deal with the realities of adversity. So many kids grew up in fake environments where they were overly protected from real-world consequences like LOSING.

This doesn’t mean self-esteem isn’t important. It’s very important. It can’t be based on how you stack up against somebody else though. So all the kids get medals or trophies…it doesn’t make you a winner. And it’s proven it doesn’t give you true self-esteem either. It makes you weak, unable to face the realities of losing, something we all experience! Parents tried hard to fill their kids with self-esteem by bragging on their every endeavor and protecting them from knowing they sucked at something. Didn’t work. Won’t work.

Self-esteem comes from self.

It sure doesn’t come from having too high a value of how others view you – collecting trophies. Parents can figure out the right strategy. I’m not trying to tell you how to parent. I know my parenting, which ended a few decades ago, didn’t give any consideration to what other people thought. Just another area where I had no trouble ignoring the opinion of others.

I’m only making observations about what I know business leaders are facing today with workers entering their companies. Young employees who have never been told the truth and now find it difficult to handle any criticism intended to help them become better. They just want to be bragged on and many find it tough to handle anything else. Plus, many need constant validation that they’re doing a good job. Why? Because self-esteem parents thought they were building didn’t happen. Instead, external validation became THE important driver in their kids’ lives.

This is where we have to deploy enough ego to serve ourselves. It’s also where we have to stop waiting for others to help us with it. Nobody is coming to fill you up with self-worth. Nobody.

Psychologists tell us to start feeling better about ourselves without regard to how others feel about us. Well, okay. Nuff said. 😀

How?

I can only share what I think serves me. Let’s see if it helps you.

For me it starts with the behavior I’m proud of. If I’m ashamed of myself, that erodes my self-esteem. It feels right. I mean, if I misbehave I don’t want to feel good about it. I want to feel appropriately ashamed so I grow and behave better.

Character is the thing. The rules of how I’m going to live. As a Christian, that’s not some moving target. It’s fairly defined, established by the Bible. What’s left is for me to compare my life not to somebody else but to what God dictates in the Bible. If I measure up, then I’m on track. If I don’t measure up, then I need to make some changes.

The big thing for me is intent. I have to work daily to make sure my intentions are where they should be based on the life I’m professing. I wish I could tell you that 100% of my days have well-placed intentions that are congruent with my faith. But that’s not true. What is true is that I always work (some days not nearly hard enough) to course correct. So I could argue that 100% of the time I’m focused on my intentions. Either fixing them or knowing they’re where they belong.

That speaks directly to my self-esteem. I can live with reasonable assurance that I’m trying to live a better life – a life dictated by faith. What does any of that have to do with others? NOTHING. I know that. So I also know my self-esteem in this regard is steeped in my commitment to my faith. That commitment is my own. Just like my self-esteem.

There are other areas of my life where validation is meaningful. That’s what project #CravingEncouragement is all about. It’s the power of our ability to express belief in somebody. It’s important. I’d never undervalue it. But it can’t replace or displace how you believe in yourself. It can enhance it. Grow it.

This is where boundaries are necessary. It’s why I’m intent on ridding your life of toxic people.

People filled with harsh judgment. People who tear others down so they can elevate themselves. People who are dishonest. Unreliable. Untrustworthy. Unsafe people.

Get away from these people. Don’t let them into your life.

Simple.

Maybe not easy, depending on who they are, but simple. And the most powerful thing you might do for yourself. Build a wall to keep those people out of your life. Or risk having them come in to destroy all the good you would do, or be. You’ll likely feel free and better once you show those folks the door.

Humility is easy for me. I’ve just never felt like I was what the world was waiting for. I’m daily tickled by people willing to state their ambition is to “change the world.” Perhaps it’s because of my faith. Maybe it’s because I learned defeat as a kid. Maybe it’s because of when I was born. But for whatever reason, I’ve never had too high an opinion of myself. And I don’t mean I’m down on myself. I just mean I don’t walk into any room and think, “Yep, I’m the smartest guy here.” NEVER.

Part of humility is gratitude. I’m thankful for who I am and where I’m at. I’m thankful for the people who invested time and effort in me to help me become who and what I am. But I realize I used these resources. It’s on me. Owning it just isn’t problematic for me.

The good. The bad. I’m happy to own it all. Shoot, I’m even happy to own stuff that doesn’t belong to me. Somebody smarter than me will have to explain that, but it’s easy for me to accept blame. Maybe because it’s easy for me to sincerely apologize. It’s my life and I figure I can live it as I want. So mostly I do what’s natural, easy and comfortable as far as my character goes. That is, I’m not spending any time trying to be somebody I’m not.

Being true to yourself likely has someplace in this conversation. It’s your life. I’ve got my own. And frankly have my hands full with my own so I can’t be too bothered by trying to live yours for you. Yes, I know there are people who will happily tell you how to live. Opinionated people who must foist their opinions on others. BOUNDARIES, remember? I don’t let those people into my life. At most, I tolerate limited interactions with them only as needed. And I actively search for ways to avoid any interaction with them.

You have to own your life. Not as a victim, but as a captain.

If it were a math equation it would be simple. List all the opinions of others. Real or imagined. Now list your opinion. The sum of all the other opinions adds up to ZERO. Your opinion has some value greater than zero. That’s just how it is, whether you realize it or not. Today’s show intends to help you better realize it.

A mind made up.

I just have no better answer or solution. To make up your mind that nobody’s opinion is going to matter as much as your own. To commit yourself to yourself.

It’s not about living in solitude or loneliness. Nor is it about avoiding surrounding yourself with great people who can serve you well. Contrary, it’s about putting in the work to be more intentional about that work. To forget about fear and failure so you can live your best life. To be around people who can help fuel that drive.

What if I get up in front of people with my fly unzipped? What if I fail?

Well, I’m gonna learn. That’s what. I’m gonna figure it out.

I’ll zip up my pants. Make a joke. Make sure all the guys look at their own pants. Laugh. And move on.

I’ll work harder to create a moment of learning. A memory that serves some purpose other than me feeling bad about myself. How is the universe benefited by me feeling bad about myself? Especially when I had the opportunity to make a more positive moment from it?

What’s the alternative? Never get up in front of people again for fear my fly may be unzipped?

Care less. And do it with enthusiasm. Next time I may give that topic a go – enthusiasm. I’m now getting pretty fascinated by the power of that.

But that’s for later.

For now, find value in putting on blinders and headphones. See what you want to see. What you need to see so you can become a better person. Listen to what you want to hear. What you need to hear so you can grow into a better human.

It’s about being your best. And refusing to let anybody or anything stop you.

It’s about doing the thing you’re most fearful of doing. The shy vlogger should vlog daily in public in front of people and he’ll quickly get over it. You should stop paying attention to everybody’s opinion over your own. The more you do it, the more quickly you’ll realize it only had power you gave it. When you stop fueling it, its power goes away. And then you can soar.

Randy

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According to the book by Dan Pink, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, research shows that the secret to high performance isn’t our biological drive or our reward-and-punishment drive, but our third drive—our deep-seated desire to direct our own lives, to extend and expand our abilities, and to live a life of purpose.

Pink also reveals a new approach to motivation that has three essential elements: (1) Autonomy—the desire to direct our own lives; (2) Mastery—the urge to get better and better at something that matters; and (3) Purpose—the yearning to do what we do in the service of something larger than ourselves.

Dr. Alan R. Zimmerman’s book, Pivot: How One Turn In Attitude Can Lead To Success, provides a 9 step attitude revolution to help the reader:

1. Evaluate your status quo
2. Choose your mental strategy
3. Curb the negativity blocking your success
4. Improve your confidence
5. Build stronger relationships
6. Experience an instant boost in enthusiasm
7. Make every day a successful day
8. Stop worrying
9. Overcome failure

I can’t (well, I could, but I don’t want to) count the number of books I have that preach a message of positive change, making a mental turn toward a more positive life and taking steps to climb out of failure so you can achieve success. If words would do it, I’d have done it decades ago. If words would do it, you’d think I’d expand the podcast and release daily episodes. But you’d be wrong. 😉 We need words. Encouragement. But we need something more. Much more.

Do you know why thousands of books are published each year on dieting, health, and fitness? Well, sure. Because it’s one of the biggest selling markets on the planet, but why is that? Why do people buy these books in droves?

For starters, most are likely searching for the magic bullet. The one trick that will finally provide the answer they’ve looked for all their fat out-of-shape lives! They’ll keep looking until they find something that sounds easy enough for them to try. And if it works, “Eureka!” If not, they’ll keep looking at those new releases.

Others aren’t keeping an eye peeled on the books published. Timing is right and today, they’re driven to search out an answer for their circumstance. Like a guy driving to work without a care in the world – especially no concern about his tires – they weren’t looking at these books before today. But on his way home, he has a blowout. Now, he’s very interested in tires. Twenty pounds later, in a scale staring epiphany a person decides, “Man, I’ve got to get a grip on my weight!” Now, they’re looking at the various books.

Maybe it’s all timing. Timing of the message. Timing of reception of the message. And let’s not discount how the message is delivered. Spend some time at YouTube and if you’re old like me, you won’t hear much new, unless it’s technology-based. All the expert testimony about human behavior is the stuff I grew up reading and hearing. And it wasn’t new then either.

Ecclesiastes 1:9 “That which has been is what will be, That which is done is what will be done, And there is nothing new under the sun.”

Indeed. There’s not much new under the sun when it comes to human behavior and what we chase. Or even in how we chase it.

As for books…

Ecclesiastes 12:12 “And further, my son, be admonished by these. Of making many books there is no end, and much study is wearisome to the flesh.”

Truer still. Books and books and more books. Largely a regurgitation of very ancient maxims wrapped in new clothing. I can buy a new suit, but it’s the same old body underneath.

Sometimes we likely look like the apostle Paul did to Festus in Acts 26:24 “Now as he thus made his defense, Festus said with a loud voice, “Paul, you are beside yourself! Much learning is driving you mad!”

I may be mad, but it’s doubtful due to too much study. 😉 It’s entirely possible though to read too much. To study about it too much. To think about it too much. Again, there’s a critical component missing.

Fat folks want to turn it around.

People lost on the highway need to turn it around.

Procrastinators need to turn over a new leaf and stop putting things off.

People who have lost their way absolutely need to turn it around.

Largely we’re a bunch of critters headed in the wrong direction. Needing to turn it around. Even high achievers sometimes get themselves turned around, going in the wrong direction.

Which begs the question, “Why is it so easy to go the wrong way?”

Here in the big city we occasionally encounter roadway disasters, largely at the hands of drunk drivers. They somehow maneuver onto the highway going the wrong direction. Sometimes they can be safely stopped without incident. Others times they cause a tragic head-on collision that takes lives. The sober among us question, “How in the world did they manage to get their car onto the highway via an exit ramp?” No matter. They did. A skill best performed when the human mind is out of control I suppose. Maybe that’s the key to all this going the wrong way. We’re out of our minds!

Quite possible.

“I know I can turn it around.” I’ve said that to myself before. Only to prove to myself and others that I was wrong. I can’t. Well, to be fair. I didn’t. Maybe I could have. I just couldn’t figure out how. Or I couldn’t figure out how soon enough to show myself and others.

Do you ever say that to yourself? Or hear somebody else say it?

“I know I can turn it around,” is really a rather empty statement if you stop to consider it. First of all, the reason we say it is because we need to turn it around. Perhaps we’ve been going in the wrong direction for a very long time. Now, for some odd reason, we’re going to make this declaration – a bold, seemingly courage-filled declaration – that we KNOW we can turn it around.

How do we know that?

It’s not because we’ve done it before. Truth is, all we’ve done so far is proven how capable we are of driving in the wrong direction. We’ve got that down cold. But this turning thing? What makes us think we can do that?

It’s like whistling in the dark. We make such statements hoping to build up the courage and whatever else we need to get it turned around. It being our life. Or some specific pursuit we’re failing to catch.

Kids try something and fail, then as soon as an adult attempts any effort at coaching, the kid makes the bold claim, “I can do it. I can do it.” Well, we’ve sat here watching you struggle for 10 minutes. Maybe you’re a bigger idiot than you thought. Maybe you should stop and let us try to help you. Nope. “I want to do it on my own.” Fine. Ten more minutes of failure ensues. Maybe they get it. Maybe they don’t. Maybe they quit after proving to themselves, “I thought I could, but I was wrong. I can’t.” Such moments can become life-defining.

It’s the reverse of the little engine that could. It’s the little engine that couldn’t. Far more little engines can’t than can. Stubborn, uncoachable engines determined to show us. Ultimately giving up showing us they can when they at long last figure out, “No, I can’t.”

It weakens the resolve of most. Cripples many. Only the most resilient move on and don’t let it impact their life. Or their confidence. Some learn to accept help. Most don’t. That’s only my observation and experience. I reserve the right to be wrong. And to admit I can be jaded. 😉

A lifetime (however long that may be) of going the wrong way provides what evidence that we can turn it around?

I understand the importance of belief and confidence. In fact, just about every day I’m telling somebody “they’re everything.” And I don’t think I’m far from wrong. I’ve seen genuinely confident people with lower levels of competence far out-perform superior competency with low confidence. Don’t assume knowing is the same as doing. It’s not. Hence all those diet books that are written, published and sold. With new authors and experts entering the space daily. And new customers entering hourly.

I’ve lived long enough to have learned that if I could grant myself or those I love most one human quality that may likely fuel greater success…it would be confidence. I’m not talking about making them braggarts. Or pompous, arrogant obnoxious humans. I’m talking about gifting them quiet confidence best described as an inner belief.

“I know I can turn it around,” isn’t the declaration of a person who has that. It’s the declaration of a person who is trying to find that. It’s the admission of a person that they lack it and that’s the very thing helping them go in the wrong direction. Like the drunk driver entering the exit ramp, it’s insanely easy when you’re not thinking clearly. Those of us who are sober look at that onramp and realize that you’ve got to maneuver your car in the most awkward positions to make it happen. Sobriety is like wisdom. And confidence. Drunkenness is like foolishness, insecurity, and doubt.

I’m a big believer in words. The verbiage matters. Especially the words we tell ourselves. So I completely understand the self-talk and the outer talk manifested by it to make the statement out loud, “I know I can turn it around.”

I also know what I most mean when I say it. I’m NOT declaring quiet belief – a true inner belief – that I can. Rather, I’m asking the person to whom I’m making the declaration to express their belief in me. Because I don’t have enough.

It’s false bravado. Nothing more.

And I think that’s universally true. For everybody who does the same.

Sometimes people may respond, “Of course you can.” But that doesn’t help. Come on. I don’t believe what I’m saying to myself. Why do you think I’m gonna believe YOU? 😀

It’s a process we try. Just like the little kid trying something and failing. Over and over. Until they figure it out. Or until they give up and quit. Fruit flies live 40 – 50 days. Cheerleading lasts that many seconds. At most. That’s why it doesn’t work. It’s not a deep enough expression of belief to make a lasting impact.

Does reasoning work? It can. There are no guarantees. I know this much. Without evidence or strategy, we’re just wishing, not hoping.

Hoping isn’t the same as wishing. Most people do lots of wishing. And I’m cynical enough to think most people – at the very least, MANY PEOPLE – are rather hopeless. Especially when it comes to people in their life. Perhaps even with their own lives.

There are some people I love who are living foolishly. Destructive and wasteful lives. I can’t say I have hope because I have no influence or impact on their lives. Nothing is happening to provide hope. But I’m filled with wishes. I wish circumstances would come their way to cause them to rethink their current path. I wish they’d come to themselves and wisen up. It’s nothing more than a wish.

If they were taking actions to turn it around, then I’d have hope. Hope that their actions and resolve would benefit them. But until their mind is made up to turn it around, and until they begin to take some actions to demonstrate their mind is made up — I’ll have to restrict myself to wishing, not hoping.

This is a big and important topic because every human life experiences it. The words we ascribe to the feelings are dreaming, wishing and hoping. We too often use those terms interchangeably, but they’re not the same. Not even close.

Dreaming. Dreams.

fantasies about something greatly desired

Every child does it. Easily. Some of us can maintain it into adulthood.

They’re useful because they speak to something we “greatly desire.” Don’t our accomplishments stem from that? Of course. We set out to learn and perform things we really desire. So dreaming can certainly have a positive impact and add fuel to our pursuits. Or they can remain fantasies we decide aren’t worthy of our efforts. We’d just rather fantasize about having them.

Wishing. Wishes.

a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable; want something that cannot or probably will not happen

I’m taking issue with the insertion of the word “hope” in that definition, but I understand the usage.

Why is it a wish? Not because of our strong desire, but because of the practicality of it. It’s not easily attainable. It can’t happen or probably won’t happen.

Dreams can serve a positive purpose to fuel action. Wishes can’t. They don’t serve us or anybody else. We just hold them because they may feel good for us. Feeling good doesn’t result in doing anything productive though. No turning happens because of wishing.

Hoping. Hopes.

want something to happen or be the case; intend if possible to do something

Dreams have desire that may or may not spark action.

Wishes have desire incapable of doing anything.

Hopes have desire with intentions. Something is being done to make it so.

These are critical feelings and words because they speak to our making needed turns. Sadly, we likely lean more into the first two feelings, which may provide answers for why we don’t turn things around more often. Or more easily. We’re stuck dreaming and wishing, both feelings that lack one important ingredient – ACTION.

Turn is a verb. An action word. Sure, we make the turn first in our head and we’ve talked about that before. Few things are as powerful as a mind made up. It’s getting to that point that’s tough. Making up your mind to turn around can be very difficult.

Once you make up your mind to do it, then you’ve got to put in the work to figure out how to go about it. Scenario planning in our head can cause us to quit before we ever turn the steering wheel. Doubt and fear interrupt our best-laid plans. “What if it doesn’t work?” is a real concern. Nevermind that we’re still going in the wrong direction and that it’s highly unlikely we’ll veer into an even more wrong direction. Our thoughts can paralyze us from moving the wheel at all.

None of it is very logical.

Or practical.

Or likely.

But still we’re filled with fear and doubt.

People who overthink hear the constant admonition, “Stop overthinking it. Just do it.” It’s like telling a fat person, “Be thin. Stop being fat.” Easy for you to say. You’re thin. Guess why you’re thin! Because you don’t suffer the slow metabolism or lack of confidence the fat guy suffers from. And rich folks don’t suffer the maladies that come from poverty either.

Enter empathy (understanding) and compassion (doing something with that empathy). You only know what YOU know. The fat guy understands what it is to be fat. But he can judge the thin guy just as easily as the thin guy can judge him. Neither may understand the other. Or their plight. It takes work to do that. Work that too many aren’t willing to put in. Easier to just call you a name and be done with it.

Meanwhile, back inside the head, our brains are firing on all cylinders convincing us this may never be possible for us. So we verbalize our desire hoping to spark within us some newfound remedy called confidence. Belief.

“I know I can turn it around.”

Translation: “I’d like to, but I’m not sure I can. I’m more sure it won’t be able to in spite of the fact I really think I want to.”

Hope is not a strategy, but it’s born of a strategy. Without hope we’re living nothing more than fantasies, dreaming and wishing we were somebody or something different. Better.

Hope is needful. Useful. Necessary.

The key is to move from dreaming and wishing to hoping. That means you’ve got to deploy some actions. You have to do something. And it can’t be the same thing you’ve been doing. At least not if you want a different result. And you do, or you wouldn’t be thinking of turning it around. Or turning over a new leaf. You’d happily keep living under the same leaf if it was doing for you everything you most wanted. But it’s not. You’re dissatisfied. Or perhaps miserable.

Only when we’re sick and tired of being sick and tired so we normally DO something different. That’s why major events provoke the most substantial changes. The guy with a horrible diet and poor fitness gets a wake-up call when he’s rushed to the ER with chest pains. A survivable heart attack wakes him up. The doctor tells him what he must do to save his own life. He’s now open to what the doctor tells him. Last week, not so much. Today, his whole world view is different because he’s scared. Scared enough to DO SOMETHING he’s never done before. Defeat or failure isn’t an option. His mind is fully made up. He’s GOING TO TURN IT AROUND. And now.

Years later he may tell everybody he knows how this heart attack was the very best thing to ever happen to him. Without it, he’d likely have continued his poor behavior and died of a massive, unsurvivable heart attack.

But still we wait. For the blowout on our car. Or the heart attack. Proactive change – turning over a new leaf without provocation is hard. Winds of change help.

But we’re not leaves. Leaves lack the ability to turn themselves. We’re not so powerless. We can change at will. In an instant.

If we will.

We largely don’t because we don’t think we can. We may feel like we’re nothing more powerful than a leaf. So turning never happens. Not because we don’t need to, but because we think somebody has the wheel. Hello, victim!

Feeling sorry for ourselves is super effective. Not in helping us turn it around, but in helping us remain stuck. Or lost. Or worse.

Taking action helps. Even if it’s the wrong action, which is only evident by taking action. Otherwise, there’s no way to find out if what we’re doing is the right thing or not. Turning the wheel is the only way to change direction.

In the absence of courage or confidence, we ought to try diving headlong into hope. Real hope. The kind of hope that relies on doing something worthy of it.

Perhaps that’s a key consideration. Leaning so far into hope that we understand it’s just a dream or a wish until we take action. Sometimes I catch myself using a phrase, “meaningful action.” But I’m coming to believe that meaningful action is only evidenced by taking any kind of action.

Just today I engaged in a conversation to encourage somebody. He’s pursuing an opportunity. He’s a little bit nervous and anxious. My role? Encourager. So I set about to help increase his confidence.

He’s a business guy and we both know business problems are solved by first making an assumption. Not a false assumption necessarily, but an assumption of some sort. We survey the situation, gather whatever evidence is readily available and then we begin to work out a solution. Working out the solution means we don’t begin with the entire known universe. We begin with whatever assumptions we can make based on the evidence at hand. The real work now begins as we work to determine if our assumptions are correct or not. The only way to find out is by acting on our assumptions and making adjustments along the way. The only way to measure our assumptions is to act on them.

That’s how our lives work, too. The only way to figure out what works is to try stuff. But we’re not out here behaving willy-nilly without any direction. Like business people who look at a problem, gather evidence then make an assumption to give them a starting point…we should do the same thing.

Business people competing in the market don’t have the luxury of sitting around wishing things were better. We’ve got to busy ourselves making them better. Or our businesses die.

So I reviewed the evidence of his qualifications to successfully pursue and seize this opportunity. We walked through my assumptions based on the evidence of his experience, skills, and credentials. I presented compelling evidence for the assumptions. He couldn’t deny my conclusions and said he agreed. Does it mean we’re right? Only one way to find out. Test them by chasing the opportunity with an intensity based on the belief that we’re correct.

What’s the worst thing that can happen?

Because we can travel lost for our entire lives…we sometimes don’t turn it around. Going in the wrong direction dramatically impacts the quality of our lives, but doesn’t likely affect us in a deathmatch. Although it could (drunkenness, drug addiction, gambling addiction, criminal behavior, etc.).

Permit another scripture…

Ecclesiastes 8:11 “Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.”

Because things don’t change instantly we get complacent and fixated on continuing to do what we’ve always done. Sure, we hope for an improved outcome, but mostly we crave the comfort of the known. For many of us, that comfort trumps an improved result. The direction we know, even if it’s wrong, is comfortable. So we keep going.

We’re accustomed to facing this specific direction. Nevermind that a different direction would help us grow. Or give us a much-improved view. We’re comfortable facing this way because we’ve been facing this way all of our lives.

How can we yearn more for a new direction? How can we be driven enough, curious enough to carve a new path, even if it’s one we’ve never experienced?

Logically we know everything we’ve ever learned began with enough curiosity or courage to try something we’d never done before. Sometimes – I dare say, MOST TIMES – it worked out well. Sometimes VERY WELL.

Maybe the research Dan Pink referred to is important. That 3rd drive —our deep-seated desire to direct our own lives, to extend and expand our abilities, and to live a life of purpose. But does it exist to the degree it should so it can help us turn it around? That’s entirely up to us. And only us. Sure, others can encourage us, but nobody can do this for us.

It could be the desire isn’t deeply-seated enough.

It could be we’re not that interested in extending and expanding our abilities.

It could be we lack purpose.

Those are big variables in the equation. Any single one of them could wreck us in turning it around.

“I wish I was different, better,” might be the lamentation of your life. Today, I just want to help you make one change – one shift in how you frame your life. Stop wishing. Stop dreaming. Instead, HOPE.

Hope things are different and better. Remember, hope needs a basis – some evidence. That’s where you make a big difference. You do things that will provide you with hope. Take some action. Turn the wheel in a different direction. Pay attention. Did the turn benefit you? Are you now heading more toward your desired outcome? If so, then keep going or turn a bit more and see if it takes you closer or further away from the goal. Keep adjusting until you get it turned around.

“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.”   ― William Faulkner

Swimming is required. Turning. Actions are taken because of your strong desire to control your own life.

As Jack Welch, former chief of General Electric was fond of saying…

Control your own destiny or somebody else will.

Randy

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Two documentaries about musicians prompted today’s show. The artists are very different. One, I’m a big, big fan. The other, not a fan at all. I couldn’t give you the title of a single album or song. But I’m happy I watched the documentary. And it was a far better-produced documentary than the one on the artist who I love.

I saw them on the same day, but I watched them in the order of today’s title. The first, a documentary about The Jonas Brothers entitled, Chasing Happiness. The second, a documentary about Adele entitled, Adele – The Only Way Is Up. Both are available on Amazon Prime.

If I gave them a star rating I’d give Chasing Happiness 4.5 stars and I’d give Adele – The Only Way Is Up no more than 3 stars. I’m favorably biased toward Adele and her music. I was unfavorably biased against The Jonas Brothers. This just proves how dangerous it can be to fill in the gaps of our ignorance with our own biases. I don’t mean biases that are the subjective nature of music. We like what we like. Both artists are labeled POP, but I’m not a big fan of POP. Certainly not the bubblegum pop that I associated with The Jonas Brothers.

Can an artist or group truly know why they experience a breakthrough? Both of these artists broke through with reasonable speed. Neither of them languished playing small out of the way venues for years before getting a break. Both of them found fast stardom.

The documentary provided evidence that The Jonas Brothers resonated with all the young girls (their dominate audience, especially early on) because they performed with such happiness. During the documentary, the brothers state that the audience wanted to see them having a good time. At some point during their heyday, they stopped having fun and the success suffered.

By contrast, Adele found an audience that could easily relate to her struggles and pain. Her songs were autobiographical, raw and honest. Anything but happy.

One artist – The Jonas Brothers – representing what we all most want. To be happy. To smile. To laugh. To have a good time.

The other artist – Adele – representing what we all fully understand. Struggle. Pain. Suffering. Heartbreak.

Both amassed tremendous audiences and found enormous success. Both went their own way. One, The Jonas Brothers, sorta lost their way and are now on the road back to doing what they love. They’re currently on a tour, Happiness Begins.

Adele is reportedly working on a 4th studio album due out December 2019.

Two gigantic musical acts who approached their music from completely different viewpoints. And found quick success because people could relate to them, their songs, their persona and their talent. It all matters. So did their timing.

Lately I’ve been focused on how to best make people feel safe. Well, actually it’s been a lifelong fascination with unsafe people. They puzzle me. Always have.

Emotional safety has been a lifelong pursuit. And I do mean pursuit. Both in trying to become increasingly more safe myself and in finding people with whom I can be safe.

No, I’ve not found it very often, but to be fair – I’m cautious and have always limited the number of people in my inner circle. I’m not overly guarded I don’t think, but I may be. It mostly stems from my introversion and the fact that my personality is seriously drained by being around too many people. Sometimes it’s more difficult than at other times.

You’ve heard me say it before – if given the option between two rooms to enter, where I could spend the next 3 hours – one filled with hundreds of interesting people and one filled with just six ordinary people – I’m dashing into the room with 6 people. I can’t fully explain it. It just is what it is. And I don’t judge anybody who would choose the other door. All I know is that I’d rather go narrow and deep than wide and shallow. That’s my best explanation.

Human behavior is among the most curious areas of study for me. I’ve spent my entire life studying it, observing it and predicting it. From the time I began to work in retail (when I was just a kid) to now, I’ve spent countless hours watching, observing, learning and trying to understand why people do what they do.

I’ve watched people in shopping malls, large department stores, small boutique stores and even scoured various retailing areas like Rush Street in Chicago watching how people shop. See what captures their attention. Watching the flow of where they walk and how long they linger looking at a display of products.

In a business context, the focus is clearly on understanding what makes people buy. Influence and persuasion have been major sources of study. Some incorrectly (and inaccurately) confuse manipulation with influence and persuasion. They’re not even 3rd cousins to one another.

Manipulation in the verb form, manipulate means…

to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage

Some suggest we think of manipulation as win-lose. The manipulator wins, the manipulated loses. Whereas persuasion and influence are more win-win. That could be true.

It speaks to safety. Safety is based on intent. Manipulation has poor intentions. It involves acts of persuasion and influence, but the distinction is in dishonest, insincere or ulterior motive intentions.

Influence and persuasion aren’t necessarily ill-intended. As a father, I hoped to influence my teenage children to hang with the right kind of people, avoid making foolish decisions and commit to godly behavior. The intention was to help them develop and lead productive lives. I wasn’t intending to accomplish anything selfish, other than to be proud of my work as their father. Their lives were never my own. They’re my children and like all children, their conduct reflects on me, but the training and instruction were all aimed at helping them live their best life.

Contrast that with an imposing father bent on designing their child’s life. Urging the child to pursue what best serves dad rather than being focused on what may best serve the child. That’s manipulation.

The difference is the intent. The intent drives the behavior.

This is important because it impacts safety. Look at your life and the people who surround you. Now single out the people you absolutely do not trust. The people with whom you feel unsafe.

Not caring what others think of you is touted as a great way to go. I’ve even given such advice and worked harder to live it myself. Not by thinking less of others, but by leveraging my own personal responsibility. By being accountable for myself.

I do care what some people think. I care deeply about how some people feel. It adds to the burden greatly, but it is what it is. I also know how crippling it can be. And often still is. Because the bottom line is – THIS is judgment. Judgment – this kind of judgment – stymies us perhaps more than anything else.

Salespeople fear rejection. #Judgment

Boys fear rejection by the girls. #Judgment

Business owners fear to lose a customer. #Judgment

A startup fears rejection by the big prospective customer. #Judgment

Judgment too often drives us. It’s not even real. It doesn’t matter. So why do we give it so much power?

Because we play it out in our mind. We “scenario plan” it to the Nth degree. The trash in our head says, “Yeah, but what if…?” and we go on to fill in that blank with some of the worst outcomes we can imagine. Never mind that years of such thinking have proven – given us evidence – that the worst outcomes aren’t even likely probable. Some aren’t even possible. Not practically speaking.

All the more reason why the topic of safety is so critical. We need to surround ourselves with safe people who can help us achieve a state where we’re no longer suffering because of our fear of judgment. There may be no remedy more powerful than a select few safe people who can help us figure this out.

Safe people versus Unsafe people. So let’s pick up that thought of the people with whom we feel unsafe. Are you thinking of somebody?

Let me take a guess or two. I’m guessing you trusted them once, but something bad happened. They violated that trust.

Most, if not all, of the people who make us feel unsafe, are people who have betrayed us in some way. Maybe they were abusive. Maybe they lied about us. Maybe they lied to us. Maybe they broke our confidence. I’m guessing they served themselves at our expense because THAT is the common denominator.

Unsafe people are always self-serving. Their ego and pride make them the number one person in their life. They hate it whenever their power or quest to manipulate is threatened. They may fight back with tyranny or something far more subtle. Like lots of passive-aggressive behaviors. But they will fight back.

The people who make us feel unsafe are ill-intended. They do not have our best interest at heart. They care primarily about themselves.

So if you’d like to be a person capable of making others feel safe, first you have to be more concerned with their welfare than your own. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about yourself. It means that in the context of your interaction with them, you want what’s best for them. At that moment, it’s not about you. It’s about them.

Let me illustrate with a fictionalized account of a true story. This one deals with spiritual things, but if you’re not spiritual you’ll be able to make an application.

As a religious person, I don’t want anybody to suffer living a poor quality of life that may result in losing their soul. I know there may be many people who don’t believe in such things. I understand. But I do. So my world-view includes a belief based on the Bible that there is life after this one. Eternal life. And that in eternity God has established two distinctly different outcomes. Salvation or damnation.

My intent is to live a godly life so I can go to Heaven My other intent is to serve others so they can go there, too. I wouldn’t be much of a Christian if I didn’t care where others spent eternity. But I’m empathetic that not everybody sees or understands spiritual things as I see and understand them. We can all make up our own minds and determine how we’ll live. No matter what others may say or do.

First, people must know where I’m coming from – a place of concern for them and their soul. Nothing more. That includes no judgment. God didn’t appoint me judge. He’s got that job. I simply know what His Word says and how He hates the sin but loves the sinner. I’ve got some qualifications to discuss the Bible because I’ve studied it my entire life (so far).

A young man reaches out to me. He’s a teenager. Sexual temptations are very real. He’s surrendered to them and committed fornication. A first for him. He’s forsaken his virtue, something he never thought or planned.

I know, I know. How old fashioned am I? I’m not old fashioned, I just happen to believe the Bible = that sex outside of a man and woman being married is sinful in God’s sight.

This boy is crushed by the guilt of his sin. We meet. We talk it through. He says, “I know it was wrong and I want to make it right with God.”

I can now decide my own intentions. Do I want him to do what I want him to do? Or do I want him to do what we both know (he and I) God wants him to do?

Remember, God is the judge. Not me. So we want him to do what God wants. Period. And we chat about that and set about to help him correct this sin.

Some may call that manipulation. Especially people who feel like religion or spiritual considerations are nothing more than that anyway. But is the Bible manipulation or evidence? You get to decide. I’ve already decided and the more I study it the more decided I am that God is truly God, the Creator and worthy of our obedience. Given the high stakes (eternity) I want to make sure I’m correct. At this moment with this young man, I want that for him, too. He wants that.

This conversation happened for two reasons. One, this young man felt safe with me. Two, this young man knew I’d help him accomplish what was best for him. It was a moment of chasing happiness (his seeking forgiveness) by sharing pain (in this case, his sin).

A spiritual context isn’t necessary to understand these principles.

An employee approaches me requesting a few moments. She asks to speak privately with me. “Of course,” I say. She proceeds to tell me of behavior she’s observed in her boss, my direct report. She has evidence in hand of financial improprieties. She’s guarded to not jump to conclusions, but says she’s brought these to the attention of her boss and been told, “Don’t worry about it.” But she’s clearly worried about it.

I investigate. She’s right. Corrective actions are taken to remedy this situation.

She came to me for two reasons. One, she felt safe with me. She trusted me. Two, she knew I’d take action to help fix the problem. It was a moment of chasing happiness (in this case, eliminating improper behavior) by sharing pain (telling me what she had unearthed).

Remove safety and none of it happens.

People shut down. We all do whenever we’re around unsafe people. We seek every opportunity to steer clear of them. Why? Because they’re not safe for us to be around.

This isn’t some petty fear or preference. It’s a very real, honest feeling that we’d be foolish to leave ourselves open to such people. Besides, we understand they provide us no value whatsoever!

Chasing and sharing, no matter what order you put them in, are major components of all of our lives.

Chasing happiness may be worthwhile, but it’s a terrible full-time pursuit. Mostly because people define it poorly and inaccurately. If you accepted the actual dictionary definition it’d be very worthwhile.

a state of well-being and contentment

Our culture defines it more as a pleasing sensation or a pleasing experience. Euphoria. A constant smile on your face type of thing.

Some define happiness as being able to do what you want when you want. How is that not the most selfish thing possible? How is that not all about you without consideration to others? Besides, it’s so not practical. Nobody has that level of freedom. The most powerful and financially successful people have the least amount of it if that’s how we’re going to define it. Go watch that Jonas Brother’s documentary if you don’t believe me. Schedules are orchestrated almost to the minute with little room for variance or flexibility. Meetings, interviews and other obligations are managed by others. They’re shuttled from place to place often not quite sure where they’re headed. So much for freedom to do what you want when you want.

I’m all in favor of each of us chasing happiness if we’re defining it as well-being and contentment. But that’s hardly the level of excited happiness most are pursuing.

Think about your life. Think about those moments of happiness defined in the current culturally correct way – smile on your face euphoria! They’re moments. Fleeting moments. Yes, they’re great and we love them. But we know our life will return to something more normal. More routine. Happiness like that isn’t routine. That’s why it’s happiness. And why we’re often busy chasing it…

Like a drug addict searching for another high.

The problem is normal time isn’t healthy or helpful. The quest for that happy moment robs us of ordinary, routine contentment. The normal time for the addict is that time in between the highs searching frantically for ways to get high. For the happiness addict, it’s time spent looking for the never-ending accomplishment. Some sense of euphoria or freedom. Life is spent in big chunks of routine and ordinary. How can you find happiness there?

By altering how you define it. By thinking about it differently. More realistically. More thoughtfully. And with greater practicality.

The chasing I propose is practical and accurate.

a state of well-being and contentment

As we apply ourselves with feverish vigor to create Instagram moments worthy of admiration by others, we’re fooling some, but mostly ourselves. It’s not real. It’s fake. An illusion (or worst yet, a delusion) to make us feel somewhat better. Does it work?

Scroll through your daily news feed and you know it’s not. Horror stories abound. Poor souls searching for affirmation and validation but finding only the most shallow approval. No sooner do they get it (assuming they get enough likes or whatever other social currency matters most to them), then they’ve got to go get a new fix. Searching for happiness and finding deeper misery. More guilt. More shame. More knowing it’s not real. Maybe followed by self-loathing.

It’s all a mental health destroyer. Sometimes even a killer. Literally.

The R.E.M. song is accurate. Everybody hurts…sometimes. We just hope to fool others by exuding confidence that we’re not like the others. We’re real. Genuine. Authentic.

What if we (that’d be YOU and me because somebody has to start this thing) decided to chase real happiness. That is, what if we devoted ourselves to a state of well-being and contentment?

What if we sought out people with whom we feel safest? What if we relied on them to help us?

Everything would change. For the better.

What if we decided to rid ourselves, as much as possible, of the people with we feel most unsafe? What if we did our very best to limit our exposure to them?

Everything would change. For the better.

And in that safety – being in the company of those with whom we’re safest – what if we confessed our pain and our goals for greater contentment?

Everything would change. For the better.

Then why don’t we do that?

Why haven’t you done that? Why haven’t I?

Let me take a sidebar here. In the past year, I’ve devoted myself more fully to the effort. It’s a work in progress, but I’m committed.

I’ll share my journey because finding safe people is hard. Really hard.

I began with unsafe people. They’re easy for me to identify. Unsafe people aren’t just those who are opposite of the safe ones.

I created 3 categories.

1. There are those with whom I feel safe.
2. There are those with whom I feel neither safe nor unsafe.
3. And lastly, there are those with whom I feel unsafe.

Unsafe people are people who I refuse to be around any more than necessary. They’ve proven unreliable, dishonest, self-centered and tyrannical. There aren’t many of them, but there are a few. I avoid them because they serve no positive purpose in my life. They don’t make me better. They don’t allow me to help make them better. They’re unsafe in every way so I want nothing to do with them.

People with whom I don’t feel safe aren’t necessarily unsafe. They may be people with whom I don’t have a deep enough relationship to know one way or the other. I’m not judging them as unsafe, I’m only discerning that I lack information or the relationship to properly know, one way or the other. They may one day veer into the realm of safe or unsafe. Time may tell. Or not. They may forever remain among the majority of people in my life. This category easily comprises 90% plus of all the people I know or interact with. They’re neither safe nor unsafe. They’re neutral.

The most valuable and important group of people are those with whom I feel safe. This group is the second largest group for me, but it’s still very limited. Unsafe people are the smallest group, but they’re not problematic because I avoid interaction with them at all costs.

These safe people are the select few with whom I have a deep relationship. I know, through experience and tests of life, that they care about me. They want what’s best for me. It’s reciprocal. I want what’s best for them. We both have a common understanding, trust, and concern for one another.

Truth is, I want what’s best for each of the three categories, but that comes pretty easily for me. Are you familiar with character strengths? Character strengths drive our behavior. It’s not personality. It’s not talent or skills. It’s character.

I’ve taken a character assessment a few times because it can change over time as we grow and develop. My number one character strength at the moment is forgiveness. So when people harbor bitterness, resentment and a failure to forgive — I can struggle to relate or understand. My empathy forces me to give consideration to how they’re feeling, but I am unable to fully relate because forgiveness isn’t very challenging for me.

Before you go pinning a medal on my chest tap the brakes. Forgiveness is also problematic. I struggle mightily with forgiving myself. It requires a Herculian effort and even then I often fail. My strength, like most strengths, can become a weakness in a certain context.

I can forgive others easily. I find it almost impossible to forgive myself.

So it shouldn’t surprise anybody who knows me that I don’t even want the people with whom I feel unsafe to suffer or enjoy misery. I’m pretty consistently wishing they’d alter their viewpoint and behavior because I know it’s not going to turn out well for them. But I want it to turn out best for them. Even if they’re unsafe for me. I figure it’s the best outcome for the world if we’ll all behave ourselves and achieve the best outcome for ourselves.

I’m an INFJ based on the Myers-Briggs Assessment. It stands for Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging. I won’t bog down in the details because I’m no expert, but that judging part (like the others) is critical.

INFJ indicates a person who is energized by time alone (Introverted), who focuses on ideas and concepts rather than facts and details (iNtuitive), who makes decisions based on feelings and values (Feeling) and who prefers to be planned and organized rather than spontaneous and flexible (Judging). INFJs are sometimes referred to as Counselor personalities.

INFJ and all the other personality types aren’t one-size-fits-all. We all vary amongst ourselves. My INFJ may look a bit different than somebody else’s.

Judging, as it’s used in the INFJ, is discerning. It’s been described by some as being a noticer. INFJ’s notice. We see patterns emerge. We make judgments based on our observations.

Remember what I said about watching people and noticing what made people buy? There you go. I’m a noticer and I’ve always been a noticer.

But there’s another judgment that isn’t based on noticing. It’s purely based on self-centeredness. It’s harsh, critical judgment. It’s commonplace with unsafe people. In fact, it’s largely why they’re unsafe.

We know unsafe people are going to be critical, not based on us hurting ourselves, but based on not doing what they think we should do. These people SHOULD everybody in their life. They second guess every decision made by everybody around them. They’re opinionated about everything and they must express it. They refuse to keep it to themselves. It’s important to them that others know their opinions and judgments. How else will they be able to feel or know they’re superior? I mean, what good is superior judgment if you can’t call people out? Sorta defeats the whole point.

I don’t know how to help people care about other people. Some do. Some don’t. I’m attracted to those who do. Those who don’t populate my unsafe list.

It’s possible to only care about people because you benefit in some way. Unsafe people will help you so they can shine. They’ll help you so they can tell you why you’re doing it all wrong. It’s really not about helping you as much as it’s about looking good themselves. Or feeling better about themselves. At your expense.

And there it is. A big component of the unsafe. They do what they do at your expense. Remember what I said about the difference between manipulation and persuasion? There it is again. It’s why intent matters.

Chasing happiness and sharing pain is befitting of the word I’ve recently coupled to encouragement. CRAVING. We all crave encouragement.

What is encouragement? Here’s how I define it…

Expressing belief in somebody

Today’s show is about some components of that. We encourage people when we provide a safe place where they can share their pain and talk about their pursuit of happiness.

It demands tremendous humility, vulnerability, and courage. If you’re the person doing the encouraging, those qualities must be present. If you’re the person being encouraged, those qualities make the encouragement stick.

Remove humility, vulnerability, and courage and you negate safety. Or any chance for it. You destroy encouragement. Instead, you do harm. You damage yourself and those around you.

At best, I observe mere tolerance of unsafe people. And for good reason.

Those people who must put up with it (most often family members) do. The rest, steer clear. Relationships are superficial and shallow because the people exposed to unsafe people have learned to protect themselves. Meanwhile, the unsafe person MAY be oblivious. Highly likely. But they NEVER care because they’re too busy judging and being right. 😉

If social media has proven anything it’s our strong need to share. We’re social creatures. Some more than others, but we all need to share. The scale slides across a very, very broad spectrum from the narcissist who cares only about himself (or herself), sharing their greatness because they’re the focal point of the universe. Or the shyest of us, reticent to share anything with anybody. If the law of averages is in place, and I suspect it is, then most of us fall somewhere in between.

This much is true. We all want to look as good as possible. Putting our best foot forward and all that. Social media has certainly fueled that because at no time in human history have we been able to fake it ’til we make it (or until we don’t) on such a grand scale.

Our digital life isn’t a long term play. It’s not even a journey. It’s a moment. A picture. A 20-second video. It’s a carefully orchestrated high-light reel that we want others to judge us by because we know judgment is happening. It’s our effort to dictate the narrative by crafting the ideal story.

When I was much younger I learned a valuable lesson about human behavior and judgment. An early boss was fixated on internal theft. Being a kid working in retail, I got it. But his obsession seemed over the top, even for my suspicious nature. Then I figured out why he focused so intently on it. He was stealing from his own company. Sneaking inventory out without paperwork. It was the first real example I saw of somebody focused on the very thing he was guilty of. That lesson has repeated itself many, many times.

The point?

Our sharing is exposing us for who and what we really are. Our fixations are revealing things about ourselves. Mine certainly are. I confess I’m being very intentional about it, too.

I’m positively, unapologetically fixated on the ideals I’m pursuing. We’re often displaying things about ourselves that we may not even consciously realize. Some of us do it quite intentionally and consciously. Fact is, that’s the whole point of this podcast. Not to share how I’ve mastered leaning toward wisdom, but to share my journey of figuring out to lean toward wisdom more and more.

We want to share. We need to share.

We also want others to share with us. We need them to trust us enough to do so.

There’s this — I’m not sure what to call it, but it seems quite phenomenal to me, so I’ll call it a phenomenon. Some share their chase (or having caught) happiness. High-light reel stuff for many. Quite real for others because there are plenty of people who have more money than they’ll ever spend. Sir Richard Branson can share pictures of him and his family or friends frolicking on Necker Island. He ain’t fakin’ it.

Some share their pain. The spectrum is broad on both counts.

Here in America happiness is mostly equated with money and financial wealth. We can’t imagine Sir Richard Branson, Bill Gates or Warren Buffet ever being unhappy, but they are. Perhaps more than we’ll ever know. I don’t have any way to know. I only know they’re human. They suffer. They experience sorrow, disappointment and all the other things that we do. I also know they face challenges most of us will never understand. All the fretfulness and worry that goes with protecting such enormous assets. All the angst that must accompany the insane expectations of those close to you, including children and family. If you’re worth billions how to do you refuse to buy a $100,000 BWM for your 16-year-old who knows it’s such a small thing for you? I’m happy I didn’t have that problem. 😉

Let’s think for a moment about another behavior. Mercy.

Here’s the definition…

compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm

People are unsafe because they have the ability to hurt us. The hurt might be minimal, but it’s hurt nonetheless. They may be able to cause us great injury. They lack mercy.

We all have the opportunity and power to hurt each other. At least in the context that I’m using the term, “mercy.” Which means we all have the opportunity and power to offer mercy. Sadly, unsafe people are bent on refusing it. And mostly because they can. It may make them feel powerful and superior, which is largely the point of it all.

Feeling better about themselves at the expense of others! It’s what being unsafe is all about.

Let’s drill down a bit more on the unsafe people, the people with whom we absolutely know we should refrain from sharing anything. They’re unable to empathize. Or unwilling. They simply will not put in the effort to understand others.

I’m happy to give due consideration to the possibility that some may not know how. I’m also happy to consider they may not desire to learn. Those who want to, likely can. And do. It’s a magnificent achievement if an unsafe person puts in the work to become safe. The entire world benefits. I’m only supposing this is true though because I’ve never seen it. I imagine somebody somewhere has pulled it off though.

Unsafe people believe they are the arbiters of right, wisdom, and brilliance. If they don’t judge the world, who will? Somebody must do it and they’re glad they’ve been given a special measure of full-knowledge enabling them to render justice and truth to the rest of us.

Nevermind context. It doesn’t matter. Nevermind your situation or circumstances. Those don’t count. As for mercy, it’s not even in their vocabulary because nobody is deserving (which is kind of the point of mercy, you know?).

You need to chase happiness. Well-being and contentment.

You need to share your pain.

You need safe people with whom to do so.

So we’ve come full circle and now it’s time to look in the mirror more intently.

Are YOU safe? And I mean in both the receiving and giving context.

Do people lean on you? Do they confide in you?

If so, great. Keep doing the great work you’re able to do. You’re filling a need that is desperate.

If you’re not safe, the big question is, “Do you care? Do you want to do something to correct it?” If so, then that’s great news for all of us. We need many more safe people.

The bad news is I’m not the person to tell you how to go about it because I don’t know how to teach it. I just know how to do it. Somebody smarter than me will have to help, but I’m sure Google can point you in a helpful direction.

Are you safe in your own sharing of your pursuits and your pains?

My goal is to shine a bit of light on the reality of why people lean on certain people and not others. And to encourage you to get busy finding safe people with whom you can share your pursuits and pain. It’s about finding safe people. It’s also about you feeling safe. So that question, “Are you safe?” rubs both ways. Give and take.

Don’t confuse safety with comfort. Growth most often happens during times of discomfort. Sometimes enormous discomfort. But the discomfort grows into a new level of comfort. Growth involves the unknown. It’s the movement from the unknown to the known and back toward new unknowns. Rinse and repeat.

Don’t be complacent. Don’t stop chasing. Don’t stop sharing. You need people willing and able to help you. People willing to be safe for you. You need to be that safe person for somebody, too. It’s a reciprocal cycle that makes the world brighter.

Safety is as simple as ABC – Always Be Careful.

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”       ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Richelle E. Goodrich wrote this in her book, Smile Anyway: Quotes, Verse, & Grumblings for Every Day of the Year…

“I’m starting to think this world is just a place for us to learn that we need each other more than we want to admit.”

I think she’s right. We do need each other more than we sometimes want to admit. We just need to be safe for each other so we can grow and lean more toward wisdom. Together.

Randy