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Back in November 2014 a new podcast was taking the world by storm. It was barely 2 months old at the time, but Serial, a new podcast from the creators of This American Life, hosted by Sarah Koenig, become the biggest podcast hit ever. Here’s how their website describes the show…

Serial will follow one story – a true story – over the course of a whole season. We’ll follow the plot and characters wherever they take us and we won’t know what happens at the end of the story until we get there, not long before you get there with us. Each week we’ll bring you the latest chapter, so it’s important to listen in order, starting with Episode 1.

In typical fashion of other extraordinary storytelling podcasts (like my all-time favorite, now retired show, The Story with Dick Gordon), Serial has superior production elements, but mostly a compelling story.

It’s Baltimore, 1999. Hae Min Lee, a popular high-school senior, disappears after school one day. Six weeks later detectives arrest her classmate and ex-boyfriend, Adnan Syed, for her murder. He says he’s innocent – though he can’t exactly remember what he was doing on that January afternoon. But someone can. A classmate at Woodlawn High School says she knows where Adnan was. The trouble is, she’s nowhere to be found.

The case of this first season of Serial focuses on a single accuser named Jay. Jay tells police a story with vivid details about how Adnan murdered his ex-girlfriend, Hae. Without any DNA or other hard evidence, a jury quickly convicts him of first-degree murder. Is Jay telling the truth? What about the other testimony that came out during the trial. Sarah, the host of the show, reveals how so-called facts can be used and misused when accusations are made.

Is Jay a false accuser? Adnan is in a Maryland maximum-security prison. There’s not much he can do about it other than continue to proclaim his innocence. Well, there’s actually quite a lot more he can do inside his own head. He can grow increasingly angry, bitter, resentful, and cynical. Who could blame him?

Why Do People Falsely Accuse?

It’s ancient going back to the beginning. According to the Genesis record of the Old Testament, the first false accusation was the devil, disguised as a serpent, lying about God to Adam and Eve. God warned them to not eat of the tree in the midst of the Garden, the tree of knowledge of good and evil. God pronounced the punishment, “Thou shalt surely die.” With the insertion of one word – “not” – the devil falsely accused God by telling them they would not die. Since then, the number of false accusations is beyond our ability to compute. Christians understand the biblical truth that Christ was crucified on the basis of false accusations. The Bible says it was for envy.

In the Old Testament, the 9th commandment of the 10 is “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor” Then why do people do it?

I don’t claim to be smart enough to know all the reasons, but I think we’ve all got quite a few good ideas based on our own experiences, the experiences of friends or family, and all the stories we’ve heard or read.

Judas betrayed Christ for some money. That continues to be a big player for some I think. Greed and covetousness are major drivers for lots of people. It’s manifested in divorce courtrooms all across the world I suppose. And like that sound clip from Serial, people can use kernels of truth mixed in with gobs of deceit to spin an accusation that will play to their favor. In an ugly divorce battle where the husband wants to hang onto more of his wealth and the wife wants to gain more of it…both can amplify the negative behaviors of the other. Dollars drive deceit.

Finger-pointing isn’t just child’s play. Grown up’s do it, too. All the stories we’ve seen on TV of the cellmate who enters a courtroom saying he heard a confession that never happened. He testifies against the defendant in exchange for a lighter sentence or some other benefit.

Sometimes finger-pointing can be even more sinister when the guilty person deflects their own bad actions by falsely accusing somebody else. It smacks of a bit like what defense attorneys call “plan B” – the practice of giving a judge or jury another plausible scenario involving somebody other than their client.

Hatred and other emotions can drive some to falsely accuse a person. Jealousy, envy, contempt, vengeance, and every other negative emotion you can name have been drivers behind false accusations.

But the real reason – the bottom line behind why people falsely accuse others is pretty straightforward…to harm them. False accusers are determined to inflict harm and pain on the people they accuse. The more specific reasons and motivations aren’t terribly important I don’t suppose because, in the end, it’s all about harming somebody. And it’s made worse because it’s all based on deceit and lies.

Suffering Wrongly vs. Suffering Rightly

Governments exist to maintain order and punish wrongdoers. Sometimes they get it wrong. The Innocence Project defines itself as a national litigation and public policy organization dedicated to exonerating wrongfully convicted individuals through DNA testing and reforming the criminal justice system to prevent future injustice. According to their website, they’ve been able to exonerate 321 people since they began in 1992. Governments sometimes get it wrong.

But they don’t always get it wrong. Guilty criminals are convicted daily for their crimes. If society is dangerous, it’s made much safer because some people suffer rightly. They deserve it.

False accusations disrupt the system of justice. Instead, people suffer wrongly, undeserving of their punishment.

1 Peter 3:17 “For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing than for evil doing.”

As bad as it would be to suffer under a false accusation, that’s better than suffering because you’re guilty. If the main character in Serial, Adnan, is innocent and stuck in prison…that’s awful. But if he’s guilty of murdering his ex-girlfriend, that’s worse.

This doesn’t make suffering easier. In many ways, it makes it more difficult. You know you’re not guilty when you’re falsely accused, but others may not know it or believe it. Coping with the injustice is hard. I know. It’s happened to me before. And I don’t mean all those idiotic teenage drama sessions or pre-teen versions. Kids aren’t the most perceptive people on the planet. That makes the story of this season’s Serial podcast even more disturbing. The people involved were 17 years old or so when this drama unfolded. We’ve all see it and maybe even been part of it. Thankfully for most of us, those youthful dramas aren’t as serious as a murder charge.

When you’re a kid the stakes seem high ’cause you’re a kid. All you know is what you know and you don’t know what you don’t know. Your view of the world is pretty small really. That makes a false accusation – “Randy likes Sarah” – when Randy doesn’t like Sarah, seems like a devastating thing. In real-time, it is. A few years later it’s laughable though.

Kids can be cruel, but adults tend to behave far more sinister when it comes to false accusations. The stakes can be much higher, too. Careers can be ruined. Marriages, too.

Things Aren’t Always What They Seem

A man goes to lunch with a group of women from work. It’s completely innocent. Until a friend of his wife sees them and lets her imagination run free. At one point during the meal the group is laughing and in a single instance, the man puts his hand on one woman’s forearm. He doesn’t grab it. He just barely touches it. Before he gets home that evening his wife’s friend will have reported the incident to his wife, driving her suspicions to question him when walks in the door. Shocked that anybody would dare think he’s acting inappropriately with a co-worker or that he’s behaving badly toward his wife by flirting with other women, he attempts to convey what properly happened.

A joke was told by the woman seated to his right. As the table was laughing he reacted by what he describes as “pushing her arm” in a gesture used by many people so as to say, “Stop it.” Besides, he argues, how crazy would a man have to be to dine with 3 female co-workers and publicly behave inappropriately with any of them? Well, his wife is overly sensitive and quite paranoid. And depending on how much he loves him or trusts him, this seemingly innocent lunch can quickly spiral out of control. I know because such things have happened to men I’ve known. No, not me. I don’t eat lunch, silly!

Haven’t you seen something or heard something and drawn an incorrect conclusion? Sure. Everybody who is old enough to have any self-awareness at all has done it. We hear a fragment of a conversation and assume people are talking about one thing, only to find out they’re talking about something completely different. It happens. And we feel foolish when we find out we had it all wrong.

Now, think of the times that such things might be happening, but we never find out we have it wrong. We walk away thinking we know exactly what they were talking about. Maybe we repeat it to somebody. Then they tell somebody. All the while, we’re all spreading something that is completely inaccurate.

Sometimes People Convince Themselves They Know The Truth

But sometimes they’re wrong. People have the capacity to convince themselves of many things. Remember, men used to think the world was held by Atlas whilst standing on a turtle. Then sophistication kicked in and they thought it was flat a much better truth. Okay, don’t hate me for using two more Bible verses, but I must because they fit.

Isaiah 40:22 “It is He who sits above the circle of the earth, And its inhabitants are like grasshoppers, Who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, And spreads them out like a tent to dwell in.”

Job 26:7 “He stretcheth out the north over the empty place, and hangeth the earth upon nothing.”

Oh, if men had only read their Bibles they’d have known. But instead, it seemed wiser to create a truth and wasn’t the truth at all. And so it goes with delusions and suppositions. We’re sometimes convinced we absolutely know the truth. Sometimes we’re wrong.

Dealing With False Accusers Requires Understanding Context

I’ve never been hauled off to jail and been charged with a crime. When you’re falsely accused and arrested, that’s in a category that’s far more serious than anything I’ve endured. But if it happened, I’ve watched enough cop shows to know I would not open my mouth except to say, “I want my lawyer.”

Then I’d do whatever I had to in order to secure the services of the biggest, baddest criminal defense attorney around. I wouldn’t want just anybody. Not if my freedom was at risk. I would not rely on my innocence to bring me a victory. Again, I’ve seen too many cop shows to know that doesn’t always work out. I’d mortgage everything I own to defend myself so I could stay out of prison. And so I could defend myself from a wrongful conviction. Even then, I might find myself behind bars. It happens. But you’ve gotta give it your best shot, right?

Thankfully, most of us don’t have to endure that degree of false accusation. We suffer at much lower levels, involving much less risk.

Somebody at work says something about us. They falsely accuse us. What do we do? What should we do?

Well, it depends on what it is and the context of it. I mean, if I’m accused of stealing somebody’s parking space once and that accusation was made by one co-worker to another in casual conversation…I’m ignoring it. Why respond and pick a fight? It just doesn’t seem worth it.

If I’m accused of stealing office supplies by a co-worker who submits a written report to a supervisor about it, I’m lining up my defenses and going on the attack.

For me, I guess false accusations made against me involve a few factors.

1. How serious is the charge? 

I know people get wrapped around the axle of justice and all that, but do you really want to devote your entire life to answering every false accusation? I just don’t think it’s profitable to treat them all equally, so I don’t.

If the charge is serious, then I weigh that. If it’s insignificant, I don’t even bother to weigh it. I just let it go.

2. To whom is the false accusation made?

Is it closely held by one person to another? Is it more widespread? Again, if it’s insignificant I’m likely to not care how widespread. But I’m going to likely consider one more factor first.

3. What are the consequences?

Sometimes molehills turn into mountains because we fail to do what Barney Fife was always urging Andy Griffith to do.

Even innocuous false accusations can mushroom out of control until we extinguish them early. Consequences are mostly determined by the first two factors. A seemingly minor false accusation may require some proactive handling because of the scope of people involved. This is where wisdom in judgment helps. Carefully survey the people involved, the magnitude of the accusation, and the potential downsides to letting it linger.

A Clear Conscience Laughs At False Accusations”

That’s a popular notion, but I don’t agree with it. There’s nothing funny about false accusations. And many times we’d better do a lot more than laugh at them if we’re going to properly handle them. It’s like so many little ditties that sound smart but are really stupid. For a long time I’ve thought of doing an entire show on nothing other than the things people say that sound smart, but really aren’t. Right off the top of my head, I can think of 3 that you hear all the time.

“Life is a journey, not a destination. The journey is the reward.”

Really? I don’t think so.

Counterpoint: Go on vacation and tell the kids to enjoy the trip more than arrival to Disneyland. They know that’s not right. You do, too. That’s why you can’t wait to get there!

“If I can do it, anybody can.”

It depends on who you are. We’re not all created equally. Einstein discovered some things that I couldn’t. I’m betting you couldn’t either.

“It’s always darkest before dawn.”

Here in Texas, we get thunderstorms and tornados. It can get dark quickly. Then comes the thunder and lightning. We rank right behind Florida in injuries and death from lightning strikes. But high winds and tornados are more devastating.

It’s dark before the storm. And besides, before dawn, the skies always grow lighter…not darker.

Well, that’s how it is with this witty phrase about laughing at false accusations. Adnan of the Serial podcast appears to have a clear conscience, but no amount of laughing is going to get him released from a prison sentence. We’d all be foolish to simply dismiss every false accusation. That doesn’t mean we jump on all of them like a famous brand might defend even the slightest trademark infringement. Some fights just aren’t worth it. But others are! Some false accusations can eat you alive. Others just annoy the snot out of you.

Once I was facing a false accusation from somebody who believed the earth was flat. There was no convincing him otherwise. And the hardest part about it was that it didn’t involve a specific false accusation. In fact, the person refused to say what it was he had against me. He simply objected to my being approved for something because he “knew things.” I went to him privately asking him to tell me what I had done so I could make it right. Nope. He refused. I invited somebody to mediate and sit down with both of us. This poor person tried for more than an hour – and I did, too – to facilitate a peaceful remedy. Again, the person refused to budge. He still objected but without any specific accusations. Eventually, I just had to let it go. I didn’t know what else to do.

During this time my son, who was still living at home, was talking with me one day. We were talking about the topic of being falsely accused of things. I told him what I believe is true and wise.

If you’re going to do anything to make a difference, you’re going to upset people. People are going to aim arrows at you. But the option to do nothing just doesn’t work. So prepare to defend yourself if you must and grow thick skin.

It’s been over twenty years since my son and I had that conversation, but nothing has changed my mind. I still think it’s the way to go. For me, it’s no longer about justice or injustice. It’s about being able to do the right thing and refusing to let the false accusers get in your way. Sometimes people and things get in your way. You just have to find your way around those hurdles and keep doing what you know is right.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you and your family are well.

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Words. Phrases. Lyrics. It’s often the spark for ideas, questions, and conversation. Connection ensues.

Communication isn’t the same as connecting.

We communicate by speaking, writing, and body language. Communication is one person sending and one receiving. But that’s not connecting. Communication is aimed at intellectually understanding. Connecting is aimed at emotional understanding. That’s how relationships are built. And that’s more often than not how these episodes are formed. Makes sense because Leaning Toward Wisdom is a collaborative endeavor.

Do you think we’ve connected? Is there any emotional bond between us? As a listener to this podcast, I hope we’ve found some sort of connection. Otherwise, I doubt you’d be listening.

Connection requires the people involved to get in. I got in on day one with you years ago when I started this podcast. I’m hoping you’ll get in – if you haven’t already – and contribute to making this Leaning Toward Wisdom connection work for you?

It started with a conversation about kindness versus niceness. I’ve discussed that before so I won’t dive too deeply into it again today except to point out that being kind is helpful, being nice is mostly about being polite – but not likely being very helpful. Which is where the conversation quickly went to with the question, “What’s helpful? What’s hurtful?” The context was challenging with kindness.

Focusing in on the word “hurtful,” I offered a counter. Let’s make it harmful instead because it be hurtful to pour alcohol on a skinned knee of our child, but it’s helpful. Harmful is something entirely different though. It’s detrimental.

When you make your living by coaching people to higher performance you have to lean heavily into kindness because until people feel completely safe, you can’t serve them. Safe means we know – with certainty – that people have our best interest at heart. They want us to succeed. They want us to thrive. They want us to grow. They’re committed to helping and equally committed to avoiding harming us.

Being challenged isn’t always fun, but when it’s done in safety it’s not harmful. Uncomfortable? Almost always. Putting us in a position where we’re driven to think more deeply? Always. Giving us a choice of how to respond? Always.

As my friend and I talk about helping or harming it was clear we were really talking about some different scenarios and different kinds of people. There are times when people may think they’re being helpful, but they’re not. Times when people are disguising being harmful as helpful. Times when people may genuinely want to help, but go about it so poorly they harm.

I’m fond of how the British refer to coaching as being in the helping business. I think of myself as being in the helping business. I’d hate to think of myself as being in the harming business. Criminals are in the harming business. Immoral businesses are in the harming business. Sin businesses are in the harming business. Look around…there’s an awful lot of profit and feverish activity in the harming business.

Last week I pointed out what’s on my whiteboard.

It’s implied in my whiteboard statement that I’m trying to figure out how to make the biggest POSITIVE difference. The biggest HELPFUL difference.

Am I always successful? No, I don’t always succeed at my intended consequences.

There are unintended consequences. Would that we were always judged by our intentions. Or would that be good?

Are our intentions always honorable? Do you really want to be judged by your intentions?

Sometimes our intentions may be rightly aimed at helpful, but sometimes not.

I stumbled across a documentary on Amazon Prime the other day, The Identity Theft of Mitch Mustain. It’s a 2014 documentary about a young man, a quarterback from Springdale, Arkansas. A phenom playing for then high-school coach Gus Malzahn, who later went on to become Offensive Coordinator at Arkansas, then Tulsa and would up as head coach of Auburn before being fired and now he’s at Central Flordia.  Mitch, and a core group of his offensive buddies, had wild success in Arkansas high school football playing for Malzahn. The entire core group all got D1 scholarships.

I’m watching this story of coaches, adults, tasked with helping young men, high school, and college-age guys. Throughout the documentary, I wondered about the role of these adults and thought about my conversation with my friend. Are these adults being helpful or harmful? Particularly, in his football life was Mitch Mustain helped or harmed? Did these people have his interest at heart or did they have their own best interest at heart?

Credit. Who will get the credit? That so often is at the heart of the matter. Arkansas head coach – at the time – Houston Nutt versus Gus Malzahn, the offensive coordinator he was pressured to hire so he could successfully recruit these kids from Springdale. Nutt, the run, run, run coach. Malzahn, the throw-it-all-over-the-field control freak. The kids? Likely pawns in a much bigger game not entirely played on the football field.

Conflict with upperclassmen who resented these new flashy freshmen coming in. Divided locker rooms. Divided loyalties. People chasing the spotlight. People pursuing credit so they can outshine their peers. Classic conflict of who is larger and more in charge. Who will shine brightest?

Neither Nutt nor Malzahn participated in the documentary. I get it. Not much to gain by speaking out. Meanwhile, Mitch doesn’t come across as filled with blame. He doesn’t seem bitter. Rather, he’s pretty matter-of-fact about it all. Some argue that he didn’t have D1 college skills. Others think he was victimized by selfish coaches. I don’t know what’s real or true, but I do think he – and many young athletes of all ages – suffer sometimes at the hands of people who declare they’re trying to help, but they’re not. Maybe they’re not trying to be harmful, but by watching out mostly for themselves, everybody else is just collateral damage.

But then I wonder about coming in specific chapters in somebody’s life. A coach. A player. A group of coaches or players. Does that accurately depict who they are? Not likely. But it may.

Over the years, coach Malzahn has shown himself to be a pompous, smartest-man-in-the-room kind of a guy. That doesn’t mean he is, but many people have described him that way. Media and others. I have no way to know. I’ve never met him. He may be just the opposite of those things for all I know. I know one chapter does not our entire story make. But I also know that our story is the sum of our chapters and if we write a number of chapters that have a consistent theme – then we’re likely telling the truth.

It speaks to this conversation I’m having with a friend about helpful or harmful though. A person would open the book to my life and happen on a chapter that isn’t my best and conclude from a paragraph, a page, or an entire chapter, “He’s not helpful. He’s harmful.” That’s absolutely possible.

When I think about our stories and chapters I realize we could open the book on somebody’s life – anybody’s life – and find horrible stories of defeat, sorrow, sadness, challenge, suffering, even despair. The lows might be very low for some. Less so for others. Ditto on the highs. Read a chapter on the highs for Elon Musk and they’re going to be vastly higher than any highs I’ve ever – or ever will – experience. But no matter. Everybody has chapters of highs and lows. Is it fair to judge any of us on a single chapter? Probably not.

The conversation morphs to how we show up. How people see us.

I remind my conversation partner that three years ago I experienced a family tragedy that wrecked me. You’ve experienced sorrow and been knocked to your knees before. Mat Kearney, a Nashville-based (originally from Oregon) singer/songwriter had a hit song years ago, Closer To Love. There’s a lyric in that song, “we’re all one phone call from our knees.”

Have you ever lost somebody you loved? Most of us have. Did you map out your grief? No, it’s organic. It happens and you react. Always at your best. Maybe not. But it is what it is.

My tragedy changed me. It changed my demeanor. It changed almost everything. Did I plan on it? Of course not. Did I enjoy it? Not one bit.

We look at the circumstances others endure and think, “I’d deal with that differently.” Would you though? How do you know?

We may think we know, but until faced with it…we don’t really know. In some situations in the past 3 years, I’ve grown tremendously. In other situations, it’s not been my best. Grief is like that though. It’s a process and you wake up each day either with determination or resignation. Some days you experience both – many times. It’s a roller coaster ride known best by those of us who are in it – whatever IT is. We’ve all got our burdens.

Our individual struggles can propel us toward greater empathy or greater judgment. I’m sure some folks look at me and think, “He should be over that by now.” Maybe they’re right. But I’m not. And there are details that only my closest family members know. My journey didn’t’ happen 3 years ago and end. There have been numerous stories built all along the way. But nobody knows! I don’t feel it’s my job to share all the gory details. I just hope along the way I get a bit of grace. Mostly, I do. But sometimes I don’t. Such is life.

I’m not intentionally hanging onto it. It just lingers, like a storm cloud that refuses to be blown away. I don’t know what to do other than to ride it out knowing I have no idea how long it may take. Because the story is still being written. And in my case, somebody else is writing the story while I’m busy trying to write my own – as best I can. You already know I refuse to see myself as a victim, but in one sense – we’re all victims. Victims to the writing others are doing, the choices they’re making in their life that impact our life. So we respond, react and make our choices based on the hand we’re dealt. We take full responsibility for what happens to us knowing it’s the only path forward. But it doesn’t make us infallible. Or always getting it right in real-time. Mostly, I think – in our best moments – we’re working hard to figure it out so we can get it right. Failure is part of figuring it out.

But it’s not always a matter of right or wrong. Of success or failure. Sometimes, it’s like my grief, it’s just life and working every day to endure it and looking for some way forward so you can not be paralyzed and fall into an abyss.

You think you know how you’d respond to a circumstance you’ve not yet experienced. But you really don’t know.

My circumstance happened and I responded. Because life demands you respond. You try to deploy your best wisdom and find yourself doing what you have to.

I learned long ago that life’s problems are either overcome or endured. We can’t overcome every sorrow or struggle. We have to endure it and figure out how life can move forward. It takes however long it takes.

Grief is something people enjoy judging. I don’t know what your grief looks like. My grief doesn’t always look the same. I’ve lost grandparents and close friends. For me to judge somebody based on what I think their response to grief should be…that doesn’t seem right.

When it comes to being helpful or harmful we have to figure out which lane we want to be in.

“What do you think about people who intentionally are harmful, but they do it under the guise of being helpful?” he asks.

“You’re talking about hypocrisy,” I said.

Pretending to be one thing while being something different. That was the conversation. “What do you do with that?” he asked. “I don’t have any deep answers other than you protect yourself,” I said.

But vulnerability works, too. It gets complicated quickly. Protect yourself. Open yourself up. How do you do both? At the same time?

My best answer was, “Be selective.” We have to discern whether somebody is helpful to us or whether they’re harmful.

“What do you do?” he asked.

Over the next few minutes, I recounted to him instances where I simply withdrew and ended a relationship. Professional circumstances where there was no ill-will, no ill-intentions – just a situation where all parties were no longer getting much from the relationship. So we part ways. And that’s that. It happens every single day in business. And it can happen in life, too. Friendships where it’s largely one-sided so it fades and eventually ends. That’s usually how things go for most of us.

Sometimes there’s an event – a moment where things go south. Disagreements or conflicts happen. Since I was a little boy I’ve worked to be a peacemaker. Mostly ’cause I didn’t want to see anybody get in trouble. And I certainly wanted to avoid trouble for myself. I learned, at an early age, to quickly distance from people determined to make trouble. I knew better – thanks to parental training – to avoid letting people negatively influence me. Over the years, I’ve tried to be even quicker at making those determinations because time is precious and protection is important.

Simultaneously, I’m prone to be open with people willing bent toward empathy. It’s not hard for me to share, connect and engage with people who feel safe with me. I can see how people might get gun-shy to be open, but I don’t think that’s worthwhile – not for me. I don’t want to risk losing what might otherwise be a great connection for me and for the other person. Life is too short and too hard. We need others and so I’m always ready to be available.

“When somebody proves harmful, what do you do?” I’m asked.

“I walk away,” I replied. “Sometimes I run,” I joked.

“Have you ever had somebody who wouldn’t let you walk away?”

“Once. And I told them repeatedly they were unsafe for me. I repeatedly attempted to ask them to leave me alone.” That’s all you can do, I think. Of course, it depends on who they are to you. I know people who have such relationships in their families. That makes it difficult, but I can only assume. It’s always harder if some context puts you in the same space as the harmful person consistently. There aren’t any cut-and-dried answers here. As with many things, we have to figure out what we need to do. I don’t judge being harmful – a person or a circumstance – lightly. I have compelling evidence which shows me it’s in my best interest to steer clear. And that’s what I choose to do.

I tell my friend that for me there are two important factors and in this order: spiritual welfare and mental (or emotional welfare). And both of them intersect.

Because God is first I’m committed to protecting myself spiritually. Usually, I’m the one doing myself damage in this regard. Selfishness is the killer. For all of us. We want what we want and in some moments of temptation, we surrender to what we want rather than what God wants for us. I’m sometimes guilty of that.

Then I have to be mindful of people and situations that might cause me spiritual harm. There are people who are not good for me to be around. Some because they live in a way that I don’t want to. Some because they don’t have my best spiritual interests at heart. It’s up to each of us to determine what best moves us forward and what hinders us. What’s helpful and what’s harmful.

My mental health matters mostly because it has such a strong impact on my spiritual health. And most everything else. You know that to be true in your own life. How you feel and what you think determines everything. So we have to guard our heart – our mind. You can’t expose it to just anything or anybody. If you do, it’s a high-risk proposition.

There’s only ever been one person I’ve told, “You’re the most unsafe person on the planet for me.” And I’ve told them that twice. To their face. They’ll leave me alone for a bit, but usually, something compels them to cycle back around to me with some accusatory, judgmental conversation. And when it happens again (and I rather suspect it will), I’ll repeat myself and do my very best to keep my guard up so I can protect my spiritual and mental welfare. Because that’s my responsibility to myself. To avoid harm. And to avoid harming!

Now, what about you? What about me?

Are we helpful or harmful?

Don’t get sucked into thinking that you’re the right person for everybody. Or for every situation. Nobody is.

There are people in your life for whom you’re the ideal person to help. There are others for whom you’re the most ideal person to harm. Even unintentionally. So often we impose ourselves into the lives of others – perhaps arrogantly thinking it’s our job, or our role, to help – but we may be wrong. Body language. Verbal cues. Bold statements. By paying attention to how others respond to us, or don’t – we can better determine if we can help. And if we can’t help, best to avoid things altogether. Why risk harming simply because we can’t help? We do that when we make it more about us than them. Our desire to be somebody’s hero won’t make us a hero. Best to stop trying and leave things alone so somebody else might help.

We’ve likely heard that the oath doctors take is, “First, do no harm.” Well, that’s not true. Doctors cut us open. They poke. They prod. Sometimes doctors hurt us, but it’s in an effort to help us. Sometimes in my coaching clients are hurt by coming face to face with some realities they’ve never faced before. Not to cause them pain or injury, but to help them move forward with growth, improvement, and change. Surgery, and self-enlightenment, aren’t fun! But they can be life-changing profitable.

But to avoid doing harm, that may be as great a gift as helping. To know when to refrain. When to step back. When to walk away. Lest we’re guilty of harming somebody.

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“Tone is the hardest part of saying no.”    ― Jonathan Price, Put That in Writing

You gotta say NO to some things in order to say YES to other things. It’s just a slightly more clever way to express the truth of setting priorities.

Some priorities are easy. God, then family. Well, it’s easy mentally, but it’s more challenging in reality sometimes. Saying God is first – where He deserves and demands to be – is different than actually putting God first.

Matthew 6:33
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

Matthew 10:38-39
“And anyone who does not take up his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

Matthew 22:37-40
“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Exodus 20:3
“You shall have no other gods before me.”

Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths.”

Putting God first isn’t politically correct, but putting family first often is. That’s always seemed odd to me. Not that I don’t love my family, but my family – nobody’s family – is nearly as powerful, as helpful, as worthy…as God. If you’re gonna come in second only to God, that seems a pretty lofty position.

Family is important, but we often make declarations we don’t back up with our actions. Like Walter White on Breaking Bad, we can often declare we’re doing it for our family, but the thing we do damages our family. Self-deception is easy. Facing reality, especially when it’s contrary to what we most want to believe, is hard.

If setting priorities were easy then there’d be no books, articles, podcasts, seminars, or courses on time management. Time management advice is ridiculously basic. Create a to-do list, prioritize things, establish deadlines or time frames to get the thing done, avoid distractions and establish a routine. Paypal me $1,000 and consider yourself trained in time management.

The hard part is establishing the priorities – figuring out what’s most important. Maybe avoiding distractions is hard, too. But nothing is as difficult as figuring out what matters most right now. God matters. Family, too. Yet, when my tire blows out – a stupid tire becomes the priority. Yes, it’s a very brief – momentary – priority, but nothing else much matters until I get that tire replaced. It doesn’t mean God takes a back seat. Or that my wife no longer matters.

If a blown tire can disrupt my overarching life priorities, then it’s easy for me to understand how hard it may be to figure out other things that take up my time. And it may be time I no longer need to devote to a thing. Maybe it’s time to say, “No.”

Flow. Zone. Element.

Terms synonymous with that place where our natural aptitude and what we most love intersect. A third point of intersection is usually in play, too – success. I don’t find any of these 3 easy to figure out. Let’s think about it.

What are you naturally good at? Finding out our natural aptitude seems like it’d be easy, but I’ve not found it easy at all. I suspect that may be a personal problem. 😉

Maybe it’s not the wisest way to view things, but for me, it’s easier to think about what I’m able to do easily. Mostly because I enjoy it. That doesn’t mean I’m good at it. It can be easy to do something poorly even if you enjoy it.

There’s a confusing situation whenever see somebody who is really good at something, but they end up saying, “No” to it. Enter Barry Sanders. R.E.M (the band). Enter whatever favorite story you have of somebody who quit doing something they were good at – maybe even great at. Something that was reasonably easy for them.

“I don’t know what I want.”

A common refrain.

“I know I don’t want this.”

A more common refrain.

It’s another way of looking at things from different directions. Like running toward something versus running away from something. Like counting down the minutes until we can stop versus counting up the day until we can start something.

This great resignation we’re seeing – where people have quit their jobs opting to find a different way of life – has perplexed experts (so there’s little wonder why I’m so puzzled by it). It seems people aren’t measuring job satisfaction or happiness by what they do on the job, but rather by how time off their job gives them to do other things. So it may be that employees aren’t quite as engaged as many employers want to believe. Most workers might be counting down the time – and days – until they can get off work to go do something else. Counting down the days until the weekend. Or until vacation. Or until 5 o’clock. Running away.

Folks are now anticipating the holiday season. People are counting down the days to being with family over the Thanksgiving holiday. Then Christmas. Then New Years. We used to mark our calendars with an X to count down the days. Now, we’re looking on our calendar app on our phone and looking forward to a date. The date when we don’t report to work. The date when our day off or the holiday begins. Running toward something.

You are what you do.

You do what you think about. At least, at first.

You keep thinking about it while you do it.

And you keep doing it. And keep doing it.

Because you want to do it.

Maybe because you want to do it ’cause you love it. Maybe because you enjoy it – whether it’s love or not.

Maybe because you’re good at and you rather like doing something you’re good at.

Is there a singular answer to all this? Not likely. We like what we like. We choose to do what we choose to do. And we’re all likely running from some things and toward other things. I don’t mean we’re hiding or running fearfully, although it’s possible we could be. Rather, I mean sometimes we have to quit something in order to begin something different – hopefully, something wiser and better!

Phil. 3:13 “Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead…”

The Apostle Paul, previously known as Saul of Tarsus, had grown up a devout Jew taught by the greatest rabbis of the day. Well educated, ambitious, articulate, and highly esteemed, Saul gained governmental authority to persecute Christians because the ancient Jews saw Jesus as a threat to their way of life. They rejected Him as the Savior and Messiah, largely because they misunderstood the Old Testament prophecies about the coming Messiah. They thought the Savior would arrive, establish an earthly, physical kingdom and all their problems would be solved. Instead, Christ came to establish a spiritual kingdom, the church, and He was not what they expected. Saul, being devout in his Jewish faith, fought hard against Christ and the Church Jesus had established.

Then something happened. Saul, on his way to Damascus, to persecute more Christians was blinded on the road. You can read it for yourself in Acts 9. Saul was converted and became a Christian when he was baptized so his sins could be forgiven (Acts 9:18). From that moment forward he put behind him his prior prejudices and beliefs against Christ and the church. As an Apostle he was now willingly subject to the scorn, ridiculous and persecution as a Christian. He didn’t run from his past because he repeatedly acknowledged it, but he had clearly abandoned it as he pressed on to spread the gospel of Christ.

Leaving behind one thing and pressing toward something else is what the Bible calls “repentance.” It’s a change of heart that results in changing behavior. Spiritually, it’s about leaving self-will behind and subjecting ourselves to God’s will instead. We can apply it to anything in our lives though. We can leave one job because we want to pursue a different one. We can end a friendship or relationship in lieu of better ones.

I’m counting up on things that matter most. I became a Christian in the summer of 1968 when I was baptized. Next year it’ll be 54 years. I married Rhonda in January 1978. Next year it’ll be 44 years. Those are the two most important milestones in my life and I’m not counting down, but up. They’re points of pride and good feelings of accomplishment.

I’m counting down on some things that also matter, but not as much as God and my marriage. I’m counting down the time when I can make some personal and professional moves. We’re being strategic and thoughtful as we architect our answer to the question, “What’s the very next step we need to take?” This much is certain, we’re going to have to let go of some things in order to grab other things. Go back and listen to the previous episode where Rhonda was thinning the herd of junk in our garage. Gotta get rid of some things so you can have something different – something better! In that case, it’s saying “good-bye” to clutter so you can embrace improved organization and cleaner spaces.

Figuring out what’s what — that seems to be the real key. Prioritizing on the fly may be the most useful skill in all this.

I’m getting clearer all the time on what I care most about. God and faith. Family. Professional pursuits that mean something. That’s pretty much it these days for me. The older I grow the more binary it becomes because it’s much clearer than ever before. I watch with curiosity as folks pursue this, that and the other…knowing that I only want to pursue THIS. I just no longer care about that, and the other. I once did, but those days are behind me.

I’m running hard and fast from any kind of boss activity. I didn’t always.

I’m running hard and fast from pleasing people who are always critical. Mostly, I always have, but I’m more intentional than ever these days.

I’m running hard and fast from people and circumstances that erode my spiritual strength and mental health. I should have learned to do this much, much sooner, but I’m sometimes a slow learner. 😉

I’m running toward people and circumstances that I know fuel my spiritual strength and mental fortitude. Again, something I should have done years ago with greater focus.

I’m running toward service and legacy. It was the genesis of this podcast – to document things that might be helpful. I’m disinterested in dying so people can say, “Well, he always had to be right.” Instead, I’m mostly concerned with folks saying, “He was helpful. He made a positive difference during a time when I needed it most.”

I’m running toward fixing my weaknesses so they’re less problematic and I’m running toward strengthening my strong points so I can leverage them more efficiently.

I have 3 verbs written on my whiteboard. They’ve been there for a very long time – may be so long they’d be hard to erase now. They represent what I want for myself and what I most want my content – 100% of it – to produce for anybody who pays attention to what I do!

Feel > Think > Do

Above those words, in really big letters I wrote the point of it all.

That’s my story today, Thursday, November 4, 2021. That’s also a wrap for episode 20 of season 2021. And I’m sticking to it. Until some new ideal outcome enters my world.

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Today is a free-form format. I used to do this very often. The urge hit me to do it again. So I did. I hope you enjoy it.

Permit me to hawk my other podcasts: High Impact Influence at GrowGreat.com and Hot Springs Village Inside Out at HSVInsideOut.com.

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Jackson Browne is among my all-time favorite singer/songwriters. Saturate Before Using, his 1972 album is all it took. But that was just the beginning. Two years later, 1974 brought us Late For The Sky, a record I’ll consistently put into my top 3 albums. While his politics aren’t my cup of tea, his talent sure is! Today’s title is a snippet from track 1 of his latest album, Downhill From Everywhere – “Still Looking For Something.” The entire line is indicative of his creativity.

And I knew since I was just little
The sharp edges of the world will whittle
Your dreams down to shavings at your feet
Gonna do my best not to settle
I know it’s gonna test my mettle
Keep my options open, even so I’m hoping

The sharp edges of the world will whittle your dreams down to shavings at your feet.

Will we do our best not to settle? Good question.

Some days you eat the bear, some days the bear eats you. In 1974 I first saw that saying as an album cover by Ian Matthews while visiting Leisure Landing, my favorite record just outside the gates of LSU. Simply put, sometimes you win…sometimes you lose.

That’s how the sharp edges of the world happen. Sometimes you avoid them. Sometimes you don’t. I think Jackson is right though. Mostly, they whittle away. At our dreams and just about everything else we seek. Especially if we don’t fight back. Hard. Every day.

But there are some other parts of the world that aren’t sharp edges. There are some rather pleasant areas of the world that don’t whittle. They foster growth, resilience, and change. Truth be told, the sharp edges that can whittle can also serve to provide those valuable things for us if we’ll leverage them properly. Struggles and sorrows often define us. Much more so than the joyful moments.

After the famed Alabama Crismon Tide football team lost to Texas A&M Aggies, head coach Nick Saban said two things that illustrate the point.

• “Players have to remember how they feel when they don’t have success.” 
• “Sometimes the best lessons you learn are when you do have failings.” Saban says it’s human nature to be more willing to learn when you don’t get things right.

It’s not just for college football players. Or their coaches. It’s true for each of us. We need to remember how we feel when we don’t have success. And there’s little doubt that the most valuable lessons are those taught to us by failure.

Two things – the sharp edges of the world that whittle away our dreams and our response to that reality.

Sharp edges are events and circumstances, sometimes the ones resulting from our own behavior, sometimes not. Sharp edges are also people. The people who hate us, who give us no consideration, who show us no compassion, who judge us harshly. So sharp edges might be anything from health concerns, to financial troubles, to grief, to sadness, to sorrow, to struggles of any kind. And they might also be the people who don’t have our best interests at heart. Those folks who aren’t interested in helping us, but would prefer to hurt us.

Whoever you are, wherever you live – you experience both forms of sharp edges of the world. There is no vaccination. Nobody has antibodies that will protect them from such things.

No need to enumerate all the ways the world cuts us with sharp edges. We can all prove that truth with our own lives. Our struggles are real. We don’t often intentionally go looking for the sharp edges. Mostly, we run into them. Or they run into us. But years ago I was reading about various hustlers and con men who start each day at zero, then work like fiends during the day to score big – to get as much money as they can – only to end the day back at zero. These folks are different than most (thankfully). They go out each day looking for the sharp edges, willing to end their day cut to pieces, but only after doing some cutting of their own. These folks refuse to live conventional, responsible lives. Mostly fueled by selfishness and bad habits, they’re enterprising predators who seem hooked on the adrenaline of the sharp edges of the world. Life on the edge makes no allowances for accepting something more mundane.

They’re the sole example that I can think of where the notion could be put forth that the sharp edges of the world don’t whittle away their dreams. But it seems to me that’s exactly what happens, even with these folks. They’re chasing something they’ll never catch. Maybe they even realize it, but they don’t care. It’s not about catching anything, but it’s more about pursuing – and doing it the way they want. Bad behavior is its own reward. Never mind who gets hurt. Never mind if it results in a wasted life. The point is to do what you want as often as possible without regard to anybody else. Judge it as you will. Me? Based on my Christian beliefs, it’s a wasted life where the sharp edges of the world do even more harm than it does to those of us willing to battle our own self-centeredness. Temperance is a benefit.

I’m going out on a limb and assuming anybody listening to me here isn’t heading into the sharp edges of the world because you’re thrilled by it. But if you are, I’d be interested in speaking with you to learn more. It’s a way of life I just can’t understand.

What I do understand – more fully than ever before now that I’m old – is how the sharp edges of the world don’t just beat us down but whittle away at our dreams and our reality. If Jackson’s lyrics were 100% accurate, that dreams were the only fatality of the sharp edges, then that’d be bad enough. But there’s more casualties – reality. Mostly, because we allow it. Not because the sharp edges have more power, but because we give them even more power.

The irony is that those hustlers living by their wits every day, searching for sharp edges, are living a reality of their own making. But so are we – those of us choosing a different path. A more responsible path. A more compassionate path. We’re forming our own reality based on our experiences with the sharp edges. For example, there are times we believe their sharper and more deadly than they really are. And there are times when they seem fatal, but they’re not. Conversely, there are times they don’t seem fatal, but they are. It can be hard to tell.

So much of our lives are choice – how we choose or prefer to see things. What we choose to think, feel and do. The sharp edges of the world aren’t any different except in how we choose to see them. You’ve likely seen many memes like this one…

It’s true. It is all about decisions. But decisions are made based on how we see the world and our place in it.

Hero or victim. Those are the two binary choices I concentrate on because it seems to me there’s no middle ground. We’re either a hero or a victim, or on our way to one or the other. We’re either blaming or taking responsibility. Blamers are victims. Heroes take responsibility.

Compassion and empathy compel me to understand that sharp edges aren’t created equally. Some are way more dangerous – sharper – than others. While the Harbaugh football family mantra is, “Who’s got it better than us? NOBODY” — I know there are families who have a very different mantra but I love the Harbaugh family outlook.

Why did papa Harbaugh roll that way when so many others choose to lament what they don’t have? I don’t know, but I know this – he had a choice in how to raise his kids and lead his family. He choose to see life the way he did and he taught his kids to do the same. Here’s some quotes from an article Jim Harbaugh wrote for The Players’ Tribune on February 1, 2016. He’s the head football coach for the University of Michigan.

I shared a room with my brother for 16 years, and my dad always made us feel like that was the greatest thing in the world. Like we had this whole house, and my brother and I had a special piece of it all to ourselves. Never mind the fact that most kids wanted (and a lot of kids had) their own rooms. We were lucky to share a room. We got to share each other’s stories, each other’s dreams.

“Who’s got it better than you guys?!”

“No-body, Dad!”

That’s how it was in our house. A lot of excitement. A lot of competition. A lot of love.

Later on we realized, Okay, maybe some people did have it better … But my parents were right about just about everything. It’s staggering how right they were. Maybe having an exciting childhood in a loving home is as good as it gets. And we had that. So how could anybody have it better?

How indeed? All by making a choice of how we’re going to see the sharp edges of the world and protect ourselves from letting them whittle away our dreams. Choosing instead, to let them forge us into people filled with gratitude, determination, and resilience.

Life may be less about trying to dodge the sharp edges of the world – except those we’re responsible for creating due to our own foolishness – and it may be more about knowing that’ll bite us every now and again, but facing them with the thankfulness that things are as well with us as they are, however, well they may be. Thankfulness and gratitude are always the paths forward. Coupled with competing daily to make sure the sharp edges don’t win, but strengthen us so we can!