Randy Cantrell

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The other night was listening to music (shocker, I know!). Specifically, I found myself listening to some older rock and roll. Dexter Freebish’s “What Do You See?” popped into my ears. It’s not a great song, but the question is a good one, and one I often work hard to help people wrestle with in my day job of executive coaching. Here are the lyrics to it:

You might think you could be happy someday
But you don’t know how to look the other way
What do you see
When the rain falls down onto the ground each day
What do you see
When the sun don’t shine and you cannot find your way
You work a crap job, you don’t know why
You listen to them scream and you listen to them yell
You watch them create your own little private hell
You follow your orders, you never blink an eye
But you don’t know how to look the other way
You might think you could be happy someday
What do you see
What do you see
When the sun don’t shine and you cannot find your way
When the rain falls down onto the ground each day
You wonder how you’re gonna make it through the week
You go to bed, but you cannot sleep
You finally doze off, you fall into a dream
You are the puppet who wants to cut its strings
What do you see
When the sun don’t shine and you cannot find your way
What do you see
When the rain falls down onto the ground each day

Vision versus blind spots is a common theme for me. It’s something that comes up daily in my work. But it also seems to dominate my personal life. That whole “it’s what you don’t know that’ll hurt you” thing.

My entire life I’ve fixated on what I know versus what I don’t know. My curiosity is driven by it because I’m painfully aware of how ignorant I am about so many things. Ignorant, not stupid.

Ignorance is a willingness to learn. Stupidity is the inability to learn.

Well, that’s not entirely correct, but it’s kinda sorta correct. We’re all ignorant about many things, but they’re things we could learn if we’re willing. We’re all stupid about some things, too. Like me and calculus. I lack the ability to learn it. I also lack the interest to learn it. Some things are just beyond me because of the depths of my stupidity.

Time is my enemy with ignorance. There are so many things I’m ignorant about, but I’m willing to correct many of them. When your ignorance is so vast, time is the issue. I need to live to be about 1.000. I’m resigned that I’ll die not knowing many things. I’m okay with it. Mostly because what am I going to do if I’m NOT okay with it?

But today, it’s not about time. It’s about sight. Namely, it’s about what you see versus what you don’t see. Which is largely the same thing as what you know versus what you don’t. Or what you believe versus what you don’t believe.

Since this Ballard Street was published some years ago I’ve joked with people, “I’m Nelson.” It’s true. I’m a lifelong dot-connector, always trying to make sense of things. Even things that make no sense. Especially when it comes to human behavior. And I’m often reminded that sometimes people behave crazily, to which friends will admonish me.

“If it made sense to you, then you’d be as nuts as them.”

True. Yet I can still go crazy trying to figure it out.

Largely my life is a commitment to the quest – to figure it out. Whatever IT may be.

Think of a time when you thought you had it figured out, but something shocking happened, showing you that you were way off base.

I know it’s happened to you. Perhaps it happened about another person. You thought you understand the context of their life but realized there were important things you did not know. Things that completely altered how you viewed them.

There was a sportscaster on TV once whose ongoing Ted Knight impersonation drove me crazy. He had that stereotypical announcer voice. It wasn’t personal. I didn’t know him personally, but I disliked his professional demeanor. He was fake and phony. Just not very good.

Then one day I discovered something awful about his childhood. I don’t recall what it was, but it instantly changed my view of him as a person. When the story broke about his past, something he had no part in…I reached out to him via Twitter I remember. I don’t remember the details, but I do remember instantly feeling bad for him. I hadn’t judged him personally, but my judgment of his professional demeanor had created a viewpoint of him as a person that I wasn’t aware of until I learned something I didn’t know.

That’s how it goes when you think things are as they seem. And that’s another daily thing I think about. A question I’m constantly asking myself, “What if things aren’t as they seem?”

Then while I was pondering this topic (just this past Sunday) 60 Minutes did a story about a man who lost his sight. He was, and still is, an architect. A blind architect? Yep.

His name is Chris Downey and it’s a very interesting story. Watch it here at the CBS website.

As soon as the doctor told him his blindness was permanent a social worker advised him on considering career alternatives. No time to even process the news he’d just received. Talk about an insensitive dolt. The social worker, not Chris.

He didn’t consider it. Instead, he leveraged his blindness to become a better architect. He lost one sense and gained others. Well, to be fair, he leaned heavily into other senses that were lazier because like most of us, he relied on vision – literal eyesight. Watch the story. You’ll be inspired. I was.

In fact, I was ashamed. Here I am, fully sighted. And I fear more often than not blind as a bat. It made me wonder more about what I don’t know, what skills I’ve yet to develop – and worst yet, what knowledge, understanding and growth I may never achieve. It made me want to put my head on my desk and weep. 😉

If you struggle to be persuaded that what you see isn’t always what you get, then think about your own life. This is almost guaranteed to work.

Think about the people who are your harshest critics. People who just don’t like you. Particularly people who don’t like you because they perceive you one way – a way that you don’t think is accurate at all. But it’s how they see you. It’s what they see when they look at you.

Do you ever think, “If only they knew?”

There’s evidence that how we view the world and our place in it, and how we see others, determines how we behave, what choices we make and how we choose to live. That makes it super important. If it has that big of an impact on our life – and it does – then doesn’t it make sense that we correct our vision as much as possible?

This subject is so pervasive that it’s a hard topic to handle in a single podcast episode. But don’t fret. I’m not about to create a series! 😀

Show business partnerships prove it. Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis were a remarkably successful comedy team back in the late 1940s and 1950s. But their relationship on screen didn’t accurately portray their personal relationship when they weren’t performing. There are all kinds of realities like that. We see it in bandmates of our favorite music. We see it in celebrity married couples we adore. We see it in sportscaster duos. It’s all around us. People front one thing, but behind the scenes, there’s something entirely different going on. It’s always disappointing to fans.

What do you see? What don’t you see?

Beliefs. Convictions. Perspective.

Bias. Opinion. Assumption.

I’m increasingly curious about the things – the drivers or whatever else you’d call them. The things that shape our vision. And the things that hinder it. And how it so wildly differ among us. How you can see things one way and I may be able to see them in a completely different way.

Place. Time. People. Experience.

These are the things that help define us. They shape us into who and what we are. I don’t mean that our fate is beyond our control. We have a say in the outcome. We determine our course. But to think that what we see is solely determined by whatever we decide is to avoid the fact that our decisions are shaped. By Place. Time. People. Experience.

Willis Alan Ramsey was a kid from Dallas who released one record in 1972. A terrific record. In another life, I did a show about it. One song was about Woody Guthrie, entitled, “Boy From Oklahoma.”

I too am just a boy from Oklahoma. Place. It’s foundational. The geography of your life matters. Culturally. Emotionally. Ethnically.

I’m wired to remain here where my roots are. I’ve lived in Oklahoma, Louisiana, and Texas. I’ve had opportunities to live elsewhere, but I could never seriously consider it. It just didn’t feel right. I’m still just a boy from Oklahoma (even though I’m living in north Texas). There’s honestly not much difference. Texas is just Baja Oklahoma anyway based on Dan Jenkin’s novel of that same name. 😉

I’m a baby boomer, born in 1957. A teenager from the 70’s. It’s a major part of my context and just like place time impacts just about everything.

I was born to a stay-at-home mom and an oil-field working dad. My paternal grandfather was a wildcatter oil guy. My maternal grandfather owned a tire store. And my grandmother – my mother’s mother – had the biggest impact on me of any grandparents. There were other people, but my context is largely determined by this element. People.

Ever wonder why you were born into the home you were? And not in that home where those kids down the street live?

My parents weren’t alcoholics. Or drug addicts. Or criminals. They were Christians. God and faith were important.

I’ve often thought about how drastically different my life would have been had the people in my life not been these people. My family.

I’ve crossed paths with many kids who have suffered significantly different people. Parents who were imprisoned. Or worse, parents still at home drugged out their minds most of the time. Why was I advantaged by the people who surrounded me growing up? I don’t have a good answer. Fact is, I don’t have an answer. I just wasn’t.

All those factors – time, place and people – determine that last one, experience. Well, kinda sorta.

And then all of them together contribute to make us who we are.

I believe in our hardwiring. I also believe in our environment. Enough little kids have surrounded me through my life to know that even babies display distinct personalities. The smallest kids show off distinct personalities. Their families and others have some impact on that. Hopefully, we foster all the best and help correct the bad in all the little people who surround us. Hopefully, somebody did that for us. But maybe not.

We get to choose. Our lives are ours to live as we want. Now we’re getting to that infamous lead I’m so fond of burying.

“The pen that writes your life story must be held in your own hand.” – Dr. Irene C. Kassorla (she’s a psychologist)

Irene is right. I’d push it a bit harder. The pen that writes your life story IS held in your own hand.

You can see it different, but you’d be wrong. Foolish. And stupid.

The Avett Brothers have a new single out, Roses And Sacrifice. The ending chorus says…

I’m not slowing down
I’m not waiting for anyone anymore
I know just what I want
And I know just what I need
I know just what I want

This year has begun for me with a strong, strong emphasis on accountability and responsibility. We own our outcomes. Period.

Partly, this focus is the result of having heard so much whining, complaining and excusing last year. It’s also the result of my own foolishness which I talked about last week. Go back and listen if you dare. I’m not going to revisit it here. Bad things happen and boy can we be quick to dive headlong into excuse-making? Yes, of course. We all can do that. Do you ever just get sick of your excuses? I hope you do. That’s a good sign. A sign of maturity and growth.

During another late night bout of insomnia, I was watching Sideways, a quirky movie. Jack and Miles are on the golf course. Miles, the main character has written a third book and is hoping to get it published. The other two books never saw the light of day and he’s pessimistic that his third book won’t be any different. It’s been days and he’s not heard anything from the agent trying to sell his book. As he laments the prospect that he’s lost another three years of his life in writing a failure, Jack questions him.

“You haven’t heard anything yet, so don’t you think your negativity is a little premature?”

Then he pushes Miles to self-publish. “Just get it out there…let the public decide.”

Jack behaves like an idiot in the movie, but it’s pretty wise advice he gives Miles. Lots of folks behave just like Miles. Thinking the worst thing is going to happen. Going into every new endeavor filled with defeat before they even begin. Miles was basing his feelings on the past. He’d written two other books. Neither of them saw the light of day so why should this one be any different? When he looked at his current book he only saw what he had seen before. Failure.

He was pursuing the New York publishing houses. Miles encouraged him to just get it out there. Miles even offered to help pay for the self-publishing. Jack wasn’t thinking there were any alternatives to getting permission from a big publishing house. His entire future as a hopeful author hinged on some big publisher saying, “Yes.”

He clearly hadn’t read Seth Godin’s work. We’re no longer living in an era where we need permission. Take this podcast. Nobody gave me a permit to start it. I just did.

I’m in a conversation circle the other day with some young business owners. Guys not quite half my age. We’re talking about this whole “going for” notion. And not waiting for somebody to approve, or tell us it’s okay. And I’m standing there thinking of how scared we are. How scared we were as teenagers to ask a girl out on a date. How scared we were as kids to look stupid. I’m listening to these guys talk and I’m sure I broke out in a smile because I was thinking, “Man, the opportunities of my youth were sure wasted on the moron that I once was.” I was wishing I knew then what I know now. But that’s not how it works.

Everything is hard until it’s easy. And sometimes it doesn’t feel like a thing never gets easy.

More and more I’m convinced so much of our life is determined by what we see – and what we don’t. Which is why I’ve been ruminating about this for the past week or so.

We’re all without excuse to know how true that is. Unless we’re very young. By the time we hit our 20th birthday, I’m certain we’ve experienced multiple reality smackdowns. A reality smackdown that showed us, “Nope, you weren’t looking at that quite right.” And because we weren’t looking at quite right, we didn’t make a very good decision. By the time you get to be my age, it has happened so frequently you’d think you’d be seeing everything with 20/20 vision, but our brains are working against us no matter our age (I guess).

You’re afraid of something right now. All because of what you see. Or what you don’t see. It’s creating fear and anxiety.

Let me leave you with a few things I’ve learned – even though I frequently forget them and have to consciously remind myself I’m being stupid and foolish.

Don’t let other people determine your outcome. Sure, they’ll often impact it, but do everything in your power to make their negative impact short-term. And do everything to make their positive impact long-term.

We don’t live in a vacuum. Full control is beyond our reach, but we can control our thoughts, choices, and behavior.

I’ve spent most of my life selling stuff. Yet I’m so not your stereotypical salesperson (if there is such a thing). Mostly, I want to serve and be helpful. I want to make the experience pleasant and positive. I’ve been that way since I began as a teenager. Nothing has changed, except maybe I’m even more intent now.

When you’re showing a prospective customer what you’re selling they can make or break your moment, your day, your month, your year. If you let them. That is, you can be a salesperson who sees life that way and it won’t go well for you. Because it’s a viewpoint where you have no control, or not nearly enough. It’s a victim mindset. If the prospect buys, great. But if they don’t, then you’ve just been victimized by somebody who doesn’t want what you’re selling.

Don’t do that. You don’t have to be selling anything to see the world that way. Everyone is capable of seeing their life controlled by the decisions of others. Playing the role of the victim.

Instead, I’m here to put my best foot forward, show people why they should engage me to help them. If they see it as I hope they will, then it’ll be among the best decisions they ever make. I’ll make sure of it. But if they don’t see the way I want them to, they’ll reject my offer. I can choose to think, “They’re rejecting me” or I can choose to think, “The time isn’t right” or “They just can’t see it right now.” There are lots of views I can hold, many of which are all way more likely than “They’re rejecting me.” Fact is, it’s not personal. I’d go so far as to say it’s almost NEVER personal, but talk to any salesperson 0r aspiring salesperson and they’ll confess it feels and looks personal.

Don’t over-estimate your ability to get it done by yourself. Here’s the paradox. You can’t care what others think, but you have to care a great deal what people think.

Discriminate. You have to if you’re going to learn, understand and grow. The people in your life are not created equally. Well, maybe they’re created equal, but they don’t end up being of equal value. You’ve got some ninnies in your life. Toxic people who suck the life out of you. Ditch them. Distance from them.

Here’s the deal. You can’t ditch toxic people if you’re one of them. So I should have prefaced this point with a more important point – be a good person.

That means you need to be honest, fair, authentic and genuine. It means you need to be trustworthy and loyal. If you betray people, lie to people and are always more interested in yourself than anybody else…well, you’ve got an awful lot of work to do. Until you make up your mind to become a better human, then there’s no hope for you. The sooner you realize your hopeless condition, the better. Because until then you’re not going to change. And LTW is all about growth, which necessarily means positive change!

Don’t isolate yourself. Life has lots of adages that people think sound wise, but they’re often taken out of context. For example, “If it is to be, it’s up to me.”

You can read that to mean, do it. Do it all by yourself. Don’t solicit or get any help because only you can control this. Wrong!

It means to do what you’re able. It means if you see the need, fill it. Don’t wait for somebody else to do it.

It doesn’t mean nobody can help you because plenty of people can help you. Their help will greatly accelerate your growth.

Be more intentional and purposeful in who you put around you. Be the person others want to have around them, too.

The power of your life is largely determined by the people who get to know you. I know the advice is mostly focused on who we get to know, but I’ve intentionally reversed it because it doesn’t matter who you know nearly as much as who knows YOU.

Think about the caller ID on your phone. You get phone calls from numbers. You’ve got no idea who it is. What do you do? Do you answer it? Do you let it go to voicemail?

Now consider a phone call from somebody in your favorites list. A person you’re close to. A family member. A close friend. Their name pops up on the caller ID. You’re anxious to talk to them. You know them. They know you. You trust them. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship.

Put in the work to be on as many favorites lists as possible.

These people will make a major positive contribution to help you improve your vision. They’ll help you overcome the blind spots. They’ll help you see things you can’t otherwise see.

As kids we’d urge each other to do stupid stuff, right?

“Oh, come one. Do it.”

I confess I still do that with my grandkids. 😀 It’s fun. And sometimes funny.

But I remember urging buddies to take chances that I knew might benefit them, too. Fact is, I did much more of that than urging buddies to behave stupidly. They’d usually do that without any prompting. 😉

Buddies fearful of asking out some girl and I’d be the guy pushing them, “Go ahead. There’s no reason not to. Even if she turns you down you won’t be any worse off than you are now.” I was always working to influence somebody to see something as low or no risk (if indeed it was). I was also the kid urging friends to avoid doing something stupid by warning them what could go wrong. I’ve always been a risk/reward kind of a guy. Some things never change.

What’s the worst thing that can happen?

I saw this on Facebook the other day and smiled. As an INFJ I know how true it is. For me, I’m able and willing to consider worst-case-scenario, but I don’t get stuck there. I’m just willing to ask and answer it. Most folks don’t answer it. For me, the worst-case scenario is usually not that bad. And often very unlikely.

But we’re all capable of seeing it differently. We can see worst-case scenarios as being highly possible, even highly probable. Even if it’s just not true.

I’ve talked about some of the fears of my grandkids. One was horrified to go onto a soccer field to play soccer for the first time. No amount of encouragement was going to change his mind. Whatever was going through his mind, it was a worst-case scenario and he saw it as highly likely. We knew better, but it didn’t matter what we knew. What he saw is the only thing that mattered.

Sometimes our behavior is equally inaccurate. We see boogie men under the bed and in the shadows. Most often, they’re fabrications of our imagination and nothing more. But they’re as powerful as any prison mankind has ever built.

Today is the day we break out because here’s the truth of what we see. We see a closed locked door, but it’s in our head. There is no door. There is no lock. There are no bars. No security. It’s a wide open field filled with possibilities. Our challenge is to change what we see. To clear our vision so it’s more accurate.

Do you need vision correction? Physical vision correction? I sometimes wear reading glasses. They’re not that powerful, 1.25+. But that small adjustment in magnification can make the difference in me seeing comfortably – being to read text easily – or me not being able to make out a single letter or word.

Apply that to your entire life. Correct your vision. It’ll fix just about everything. I can assure you it will improve everything. It won’t overcome everything. My reading glasses don’t change the words on the page or the screen. But it makes me able to understand them. Without understanding them, I can’t benefit from them.

How does a lack of understanding serve you? How is your life helped by not seeing things clearly or accurately?

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Use email: RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com

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“I just got one last thing, I urge all of you, all of you, to enjoy your life, the precious moments you have. To spend each day with some laughter and some thought, to get you’re emotions going.”   – Jim Valvano

Jimmy V was an NCAA basketball coach for North Carolina State who died of cancer in 1993. He was just 47 years old, likely most known today for that famous ESPY award acceptance speech he gave just weeks prior to his death. It’s 11 and a half minutes you should watch. Even if you’ve seen it before. Jimmy V’s punchline was always, “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up!”

The man was known for his enthusiasm and emotion. He didn’t have a stoic demeanor. 😉

He was an obvious extrovert. Stereotypical of his Italian heritage.

I’m neither Italian nor extroverted. Rather I’m an introvert who can often appear like an extrovert. I’m still trying to figure out how all that works. Personality, mind, thoughts – all that neurological stuff fascinates me.

Emotions are easy for me. Always have been. Like so many things that make up who and what I am, I lean into them.

I don’t know if I cry every day, but I will likely cry more days than not.

I laugh daily.

It’s not hard for me to get my emotions going. Mostly, I’m able to do that with ease. I’m even fairly proficient at reigning them in. Somewhat.

I was reading, thinking and doing a bit of writing over the holidays. As I ruminated about my own emotions I had a realization. I’ve never been prone to making decisions – certainly not big decisions – whenever emotions are really going.

I laugh whenever people claim they don’t make “emotional decisions.” Yes, you do. We all do. Well, maybe not if you’re a psychopath. Or is it sociopath? Let’s look up the difference ’cause I always get those confused.

Okay, here we go. This is from HealthyPlace.com –

Psychopathy can be thought of as a more severe form of sociopathy with more symptoms. Therefore, all psychopaths are sociopaths but sociopaths are not necessarily psychopaths.

According to the Society for the Study of Psychopathy, psychopath traits include:

Lack of guilt/remorse
Lack of empathy
Lack of deep emotional attachments
Narcissism
Superficial charm
Dishonesty
Manipulativeness
Reckless risk-taking

Psychopaths, for example, are far more likely to get in trouble with the law while sociopaths are much more likely to blend in with society.

The article says that 93% of psychopaths are in the criminal justice system. I suppose that should be a relief, but I worry about that 7 % still out there. And how do they know they’re all accounted for? That’s the really big question.

But let’s hop out of this rabbit hole, back onto our topic of getting our emotions going.

I talking about this because I get sick of folks claiming “being emotional” is a downside. Clear language would help. What they mean is being overly emotional or being so emotional you’re losing control. At least that’s what I think they mean. But that’s not what they say. Which is why I think Jimmy V’s comments are so spot on.

Today I’m focused on the questions that fuel our emotions. I realize questions may not always be the impetus, but the more I think about it the more I’m convinced they often are at the heart of them.

Watching one of those true crime shows on the ID channel late one night the homicide detectives were talking about how hard it is to notify next of kin. It showed them approach the home of a mother whose daughter was found murdered. Her emotions sparked by such horrible news were obvious. She remarked, “What am I going to do? What am I going to do?” It’s a big question we’ve all asked when bad news comes.

But I don’t want to focus on the devasting emotions of a major catastrophic event. I’d prefer, at least today, to talk about those daily emotions that can sweep over us. The feelings and thoughts that consume us with everyday challenges. It really is an approach to getting your emotions going in a positive direction that can serve us. And it’s about avoiding going down some path that will stick up, derail us and hamper or destroy our chances for success.

Some years ago Psychology Today published an article entitled, Stop Obsessing or Fixating With a Fast Cognitive Technique. The article begins by talking about mindfulness, defined as focusing on your internal and external circumstances at the moment. I’ve always viewed mindfulness as being present because it’s how you think and feel right now. You can read that piece and many others about how to minimize or eliminate obsessing about things.

Many of us – probably most of us – stumble because we obsess about things that don’t best serve us. The biggest of these is likely the one-word question, “HOW?”

How?

The mom whose daughter was murdered asks how she’ll possibly be able to handle this stress. This reality has buckled her knees and she’s wondering how she’ll ever get back on her feet. Maybe she’s wondering if she’ll ever be able to rise again.

The person facing a new challenge is wondering how he’ll ever be able to do this thing.

The person hoping to get that job or opportunity is obsessing about how they can make that happen.

Name the goal and it’s likely people pursuing it, at least for the first time, are obsessing about how they can get it done. They’re not giving nearly as much thought to getting it done because they’re grossly distracted because they don’t yet know HOW they’ll get it done.

The question throws gasoline on the obsession making it burn hotter. And longer.

It also erodes our belief and confidence that we can do whatever it is we’ve set about to do. We begin to question whether or not we’ll actually be able to get it done. Particularly if we’ve never done it before. And doing things we’ve never done before is what growth is all about.

I know that sounds right, but I also know to figure out ways to stop obsessing about how is hard. Really hard.

So I’ll share with you what I’m working on in the hopes it can help you. Because there are quite a few things I’m doing right now – or trying to – that I don’t know how.

Let’s start with what I know about myself. Self-awareness is important, but so is self-acceptance. I’m not talking about accepting my bad choices and bad behavior as just “the way it is.” I’m talking about accepting and facing my present reality. Here’s where mindfulness enters. Being present. Seeing things for what they truly are, not as some fanciful view I hope them to be.

A person can fall into selfishness and lose themselves. It happens all the time. A person fixates – they obsess – on the things that have happened to them. They embrace being a victim. They wake up every day and go to bed each night blaming others for how their life has turned out. They refuse to accept any responsibility that they’ve played any part in it. What they do accept as “fact” is that they’re a victim and they’ve been wronged. They accept as “fact” that they’re entitled to their bad behavior because of what’s happened to them. That’s their reality. That’s not self-acceptance.

Self-acceptance is accepting that my life is my responsibility. It’s up to me to figure things out. It’s up to me to change the direction of my life. It’s up to me to make better choices, to pursue wiser actions and to make more of my life than I may be currently making of it. In short, it’s accepting responsibility for the outcomes of my own life and not blaming anybody or anything. Because we’ve all got stuff. We’ve all been mistreated, suffered wrongly, and had bad things happen to us. Things beyond our control. And yes, these things impact us, but we alone determine how they impact us.

So as I wrestle with and often obsess with the one-word question, “HOW?” – I must come to terms with what I know about myself right now. I must face my present reality in every way possible. And I must accept that my present condition is what I make it. Yes, whatever bad things have happened to me may very well be beyond my control, but the bigger question is, “Now what?”

The mom whose daughter was brutally murdered didn’t cause that deep injury to her life, but she must now deal with it. It’s now her present condition. She has to process this awful event and come to terms that it’s now her reality. She doesn’t know how she’s going to handle it. She doesn’t have to know how. She just has to have faith that she will. That she can.

Part of my self-awareness and self-acceptance has been learning that I can better manage my own obsessions about “how?” with “now what?”

In my professional life I’m currently working to find 7 entrepreneurs from around the country (United States) who are willing to become the first-ever mastermind group or peer advisory group of The Peer Advantage by Bula Network. So permit me to pull the curtain back completely and show you the whole thing because this is a new pursuit, something I’ve never done before.

I’m going to show you why asking “How?” has created more failure than any other single thing I’ve done. I want you to learn from my mistakes.

I won’t bore you with personal details that honestly don’t matter, but I fully intended on having my first groups going already. But I failed. I’m without an excuse.

Last year I allowed some personal tragedy to preoccupy me, to distract me. I was not obsessing about “how?” I’d accomplish my goal, but I was obsessing on what had happened to me in my life. Well, that took time to process. I didn’t give myself permission to take that time. Instead, I began to doubt and fixate on, “How am I going to get this done?” And, “How am I going to get this done NOW?” (given what I’m going through)

I did a common thing. I felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry about the circumstances. I allowed this thing to wreck me. It didn’t help me, but in retrospect, I’d have been better served if somebody would have helped me through the ordeal by telling me it was okay to take some time to process things, come to terms with my reality and then dwell on, “Now what?”

I didn’t have that help. Better yet, I didn’t go looking for or seek that help. That was a major mistake. And it cost me time and success.

Next, when the shock of the tragedy did pass I fostered doubt. People will always doubt you. Not because they don’t love you, but because they don’t see what you see. From their viewpoint you may appear stupid, idiotic even. They would never do what you’re attempting to do. Rather than stop and be in the moment, realizing, “Of course they wouldn’t pursue this, they’re not me” – I fixated on the doubt, wondering if I was indeed being stupid. I wish I could tell you that I’m able to shut out the naysayers and truly care more about what I want or how I feel, but that’s not who I am. That seems selfish to me, to discount or ignore how my life may impact somebody else. I’m not saying I’m seeing that correctly, I’m just making a confession.

As the doubt built momentum, I was more and more asking myself, “How are you going to get this done?” I didn’t know. Oh, I knew some things to try, but I certainly didn’t have some ironclad blueprint. I didn’t get up in the morning knowing that if I did these 5 things today then I’ll be moving closer. Mostly, I languished without a clue about what to do.

The result? I did nothing. Nothing terribly productive anyway. Because I didn’t know what to do.

Here’s the reality. When you foster doubt – and allow the doubt of others to feed your own doubts – then your mind and body work in unison to make that your reality. Fact is, it works. And it works tremendously well.

I’m proof. You can wreck any hope for victory by simply embracing the notion that you can’t do it, or even the thought that you MAY not be able to do it. From there, it honestly doesn’t much matter what you do because it’s not going to bring you victory no matter.

That’s what I did. For months. Worked like a champ, too. “See, I knew that wouldn’t work!” It’s one of those times when being right is so, so wrong!

To jolt myself out of it I did one thing. Just one thing. My work podcast, which was a weekly show, was an obsession. A good obsession.

I decided to make it a Monday through Friday shorter show. I didn’t think too much about it, I just did it. I’m well over 100 episodes into that daily format now. It just happens. I don’t think about how it’ll happen, I just know I’ll get it done. Because I committed to it and I knew I had the chops to figure it out. I found one area where I had confidence that couldn’t be shaken by anybody. Even those who love me. 😉

All in. On just one thing. I knew I had vast experience and knowledge from which to draw on, so creating the content wasn’t going to a challenge. I had vast experience and know-how in podcasting so I knew the workflow wasn’t going to be a hindrance. Not one time did the thought ever cross my mind, “How am I going to do this?”

Doing what you love may be a key, but that didn’t seem to help with my “HOW?” dilemma. After all, I knew I loved podcasting and I already knew how to do it. But I didn’t know how to do it daily in the sense that I’d ever done it before. I reasoned that I had the knowledge though because I felt like I did. So the question of “HOW?” never entered my mind. Even still, I was determined to figure this out. So I put in the work.

I hadn’t yet learned if there was anything I did love about the process of getting this new idea off the ground. So I shifted my thinking and came to terms that two different skills are required. Both are important. One is more important for the long-term. One is more important for the short-term. As I pursued mindfulness I realized that the thing I love most is the long-term skills I have to operate such a group. I’m so perfectly suited for that work it’s not funny. I recognized it right away, which is why I was so driven to pursue this professionally. I knew (and know) deep down that I can make a spectacular difference – a positive difference – in the lives of clients who are able to see the value of being associated with other small business owners. I’m perfectly equipped to help people navigate learning, understanding and growth. I’ve been doing it almost my entire life, just not in a context exactly like this. But it dawned on me that like podcasting, the difference in context between every day of the business week versus weekly isn’t that big of a deal. And I wasn’t making that a big deal with this either.

No, my “HOW?” challenge was in the short-term skills I felt I lacked. Namely, recruiting potential members. Getting paid clients.

My tragedy kept creeping into my life. It wouldn’t go away. It still hasn’t gone away, but I was faced with making myself a prisoner to it, or figuring out the answer to the question, “Now what?”

I admit I’m still in the middle of that quandary. But I’m slowly making progress. Here’s what I’m doing now.

One night late I was reviewing my life. Professionally. If you’ve listened to this podcast much you know a lot about my story already and I won’t belabor it again. But I began as a hi-fi stereo salesperson. Walking in cold to a stereo store asking for a job to do something I’d never done. I just did it. It so happened that the first shop I walked into gave me a job. Maybe had I experienced failure right off the bat things would be different, but that’s not my story.

I thought of my successes and failures. I thought of my skills. I pondered my ability to talk with people. Better yet, my ability to get people to talk with me. I thought about my innate ability, for whatever reason, to elicit deep conversation with people. For as long as I can remember I’ve been able to talk to strangers and they’ve told me things as though I was a lifelong friend. People know they can trust me. I’m not sure what that is, but I’ve got it and I don’t remember ever NOT having it.

As I inventoried all these things that make me who I am I realized I’ve got both the long-term and short-term skills necessary to do this work that I so desperately want to do. Work that I know will be the most meaningful professional work I’ve ever done. I have no doubt.

My emotions weren’t serving me. They were taking me in the opposite direction. Further away from success and victory. Closer to the abyss of misery and failure. I was allowing it. Worst yet, I was causing it.

So during my late night bouts of insomnia, I decided to do something about it.

I would obsess – intentionally obsess – on success. I just began to envision doing the work, this work that I feel I was meant to do. I imagined experiencing it as though it had already happened.

I also made up my mind to think bigger. Much bigger. I began wanting to build just 1 group, maybe 2. The more I thought about it the more I wondered, “Why shouldn’t I be able to serve more people than that?” I had no good answer. Truth is, I’m good enough, smart enough, wise enough, talented enough I should be able to serve many more people than that. It’s not an issue of scale or money. It’s an issue of service. I asked myself why should I limit it to such a small number. And that prompted me to ask those “what if?” questions that spark our imaginations. What if I were to serve 8 groups of 7 entrepreneurs? Is that a completely crazy notion? No, of course not. Fifty-six people isn’t a massive number of people. It’s still a rather modest number, but then I began to fixate on how many other people may be represented by those people. Every entrepreneur has a family. Every entrepreneur has employees, who also have families. They have suppliers and others (like bankers, CPA’s, attorneys). And all those folks have families. They have customers, who also have families. Like ripples in the ocean, one little ripple can go on and on and on and on creating a much bigger thing!

I had to come to terms that I wanted to have a big impact. A bigger impact than the one I first thought I wanted.

My confidence was growing. I wish it grew fast, but it didn’t. It was slow, arduous growth. It was like a little seed that was fragile at first. I had to really nurture it because there was a minute there – actually lots of minutes – where I wondered if the seed might die. But I wouldn’t let it die. The seed was too important. The idea too powerful. My fit for the idea too ideal.

Where am I now?

I’m in the middle of doing whatever I can to make this effort a success. I still have no idea what I’m doing really. I just know taking action is the only path forward.

I’m not focusing on what I don’t know. Instead, I’m focused on what I’m going to do and what I’m not going to do. Except for me it started in reverse order really. I concentrated on what I wasn’t going to do. Namely, I wasn’t going – and I’m not going to – give any effort to convince anybody of anything. Business owners and entrepreneurs can figure out for themselves if my proposition is valuable enough or not. My job is to make sure I accurately and conveniently (not taking too much time from the prospects) portray the offer so they fully understand how it will positively impact their businesses and their lives. I’ll second-guess myself all day to improve that, but I’m not obsessing about people turning me down, people who don’t see what I see or people who think I’m an idiot. None of that matters to me now.

Something else happened when I devoted myself more fully to finding the courage and confidence necessary. I began to not care what the people I love think either. What once felt selfish, now began to feel more like the necessary emotions to fuel my success, something I feel my loved ones deserve. They deserve for me to succeed at this, even if they have doubts themselves. Or even if they don’t see what I see. Great leaders see the future first. I gave myself permission to consider that I may be on the path toward greater leadership. 😉

Here’s what life has taught me. It’s another truth that I came to late one night. I had long believed it and embraced it, but here I was at this point in my life when it was now my big challenge.

Everything is hard until it’s easy.

It’s a favorite quote. I believe it. I mean, I really believe it. But in this moment I wasn’t living it. I was ashamed.

So late one night I made up my mind to more fully embrace the truth. I concluded a truth. When I figure it out it’ll be easy, but until then it’s going to be hard. Very hard. And that’s okay.

My story – this most recent version of my story – is a professional pursuit, but it could be anything. I hope you’ve been able to make application to whatever you’re going through.

If you already know how to do it, then it’s not a challenge. It won’t be anything new to you. It won’t be anything that’s stretching you. You’ve already endured the stretching. You’ve learned and grown. Now it’s you at a new level, a level different from when you didn’t know how to do it.

Do you want to stay where you are? Do you really want to stop growing where you’re at? We can. I could.

I’ve successfully run businesses since I was 25. I didn’t really know what I was doing back then. But I figured it out. Today, I’ve seen just about every small business problem imaginable. And if I haven’t, I’m completely confident that I could because I know what to do, how to do it and whom to lean on.

The migration from not knowing to knowing is the name of the game. At my GROW GREAT podcast, I’m constantly using the phrase directed at entrepreneurs, “You’ll figure it out.” Figuring it out is what it’s all about. We don’t figure out what we’ve already got figured out. We figure out what we’ve yet to figure out.

Isn’t that what wisdom is all about? Figuring it out. Figuring out how to get it right in real time?

I’m committed to the effort in this professional pursuit now. I wasted much of last year when I had the opportunity to launch this new, exciting opportunity. And there’s more collateral damage – the clients I could have been helping all this time who I never have been able to serve. Somewhere out there are entrepreneurs who desperately needed my help, but I was in no shape to help them. So I didn’t.

By not evangelizing my offer I knew I was robbing not just myself, but potential clients. I wasn’t giving people a very good opportunity to accept or reject the offer. What was I ashamed of? Answer: nothing. Then why wasn’t I promoting it more? Fear. Anxiety. Knowing I didn’t yet know HOW.

Sounds dumb, right? That’s because it is dumb. Downright stupid. And I’m not an idiot. You know me. I’m a smart guy. You’re smart. We’re not stupid folks. But we can sure behave foolishly sometimes. We can do things that make no sense, make illogical decisions and talk ourselves into and out of things with ease. Head trash can kill any of us. It’s up to us to fix it. Sometimes, it’s best if we lean on others to help us.

The paradox is that here I am urging people to embrace the truth of how other people can accelerate their learning, understanding, and growth. Preaching the message that who you surround yourself with matters. Yet, here I was too ashamed to lean on anybody else. Too ashamed to admit what I’ve just admitted to all of you. It’s my fault.

So now what?

Now we get on with it. We learn from our experiences and the experiences of others. We understand things that before we didn’t understand. We grow as we work to figure things out that we’ve never figured out before. Or things we’ve never tried to figure out before. We expand our lives because we’re taking on new challenges…challenges that we don’t yet know how to conquer. But challenges we will figure it out if we’ll do the work, deploy some patience and give it time. Challenges we’ll figure out if commit ourselves to the effort and believe in ourselves, and in what we’re doing.

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

It’s been a lifelong favorite of mine. Once attributed to the German philosopher Goethe, it’s now attributed to Scottish mountaineer and writer William Hutchison Murray.

Let me end with one final point, another truth I’ve known a very long time, but one I tend to forget. One that I did forget during this ordeal. I can only control my thoughts, my emotions, my decisions, and my actions. I can’t control how others feel. Their emotions belong to them. Ditto on their choices, decisions, and actions. All those things that belong to them have no impact on me unless I allow it. For my enterprise – this professional pursuit – that means other people have the right to feel however they’d like, do whatever they’d like and it needn’t impact me one little bit. I’m determined to give greater effort to making sure I do what I must to fulfill my own commitment to myself. But my commitment is honorable and that’s important. I’m not committed to dishonesty, immorality, unfairness or selfishness. I’m committed to my personal improvement, growth and transformation.

You’re likely somewhat committed to those things, too – else you’d have no interest in a podcast entitled, Leaning Toward Wisdom.

Let’s embrace the commitment. Let’s follow the advice of what William Hutchison Murrary wrote. And let’s see how much more we can accomplish.

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Use email: RandyCantrell [at] gmail [dot] com