August 2019

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“It is better to be alone than in bad company.”
― George Washington

Good stories have villains. Enemies. Antagonists.

Good stories have a protagonist. A champion. One hated by the villain. One constantly under besiege of the evil.

Which are you? Do you know?

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”
― Winston Churchill

In my insomnia, I’ve recently been binge-watching the Masterpiece Theater series, Poldark. It’s a classic story set in old England where there is a very clear hero and an even more clear enemy. The villain, George, is a despicable character intent on doing whatever he can to disturb the life of the hero, Captain Poldark. He’s a vexing sort of fellow, but I’m sure from his perspective he’s constantly being persecuted by the good guy. Truth is, he likely sees himself as a good guy despite his conniving, evil actions.

As I’ve been watching the story unfold over the course of a few seasons the hero continues to show himself a man of strong conviction and character. He’s unwavering. Unyielding. He bends to no one. He’s a man of integrity willing to fight whatever fight must be fought.

Lots of tension. Lots of uncomfortable moments. Much like your life. And mine.

Enemies. Opposing sides.

People without compassion opposing people driven by compassion.

Evil people behaving poorly. Good people behaving with valor and honor. Mostly.

But even the good show signs of great weakness under the strain of life. Mortals behaving like humans who aren’t able to always hold it together.

Betrayal. Heartbreak.

Love. Romance. Sentimentality. Passion.

Hatred. Bitterness. Jealousy. Resentment.

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”
― Abraham Lincoln

Character. That’s what we’re talking about. The development, possession, and growth of character. The courage to do the right thing in spite of it all.

“Real courage is when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

I don’t claim to have expert insights on such matters. Mostly, I have curiosities, wonderings and ponderings.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
― Helen Keller

I think Helen had it right. Character isn’t built by luxury, opulence, ease or entitlement.

I’m curious mostly about the beginnings of character. The spark that begins. Or the lack of spark.

When I was a boy I loved creatures. Lizards, horned toads, frogs, turtles. Those were among favorites.

One of the most appalling behaviors I witnessed as a boy were kids who mistreated these creatures. I was always very careful with them and wasn’t very interested in removing them from their home, the place where I found them. I handled them with care so as not to harm them.

A turtle was found in a nearby creek. As he crawled along the driveway an older boy appeared with a BB gun. He began to shoot the turtle in the head. I was horrified. And angry. He laughed. And kept shooting eventually killing the poor turtle. As you may imagine the boy was a bully of a kid. Despicable. And I’ve never forgiven him.

Today, I have a grandson who loves these creatures. He’s fond of capturing them and carting them off. But around my house I’ve got a rule. No lizards (we have many) are to be removed. And when he captures them, they’re to be returned to the general vicinity where he found them. His parents have no idea – until now – of my deep-seated ideas and how long I’ve held them.

It’s a small thing. Or is it?

Where does it come from? I’ve often wondered.

Why was the older boy able to be so cruel to a helpless turtle? And why did he gain such pleasure in it while it caused me such great pain?

I was in grade school when I learned to discriminate. To be picky about the people I choose to be around. I know it happened in first grade, if not before. Certain kids were obviously ill-behaved and trouble-makers. Fearful of being dragged into trouble myself, I quickly saw these kids as potential threats to my own safety and well-being. I was highly motivated to avoid the wrath of my mother. 😉 Willow trees provided switches that served as most effective deterrents to any mischief that may have tempted me.

Was it upbringing? Was it something given to us at birth?

Why do I think some people are bad company, but others gravitate toward those same people?

Is it that whole “birds of a feather” thing?

What personality or character traits make you judge somebody as bad company?

How do you manage bad people?

I told you that I have lots more curiosity than answers. Logically I know that some people, for whatever reason, have psychological “disorders.” I’m fascinated by them and know enough to know we don’t fully understand why. Murderers are often convicted with compelling evidence against them, including DNA, yet show no signs of remorse. Many, if not most, refuse to even acknowledge guilt. Others among us are quick to fall on a sword and apologize for things they’re not even guilty of. Those extreme differences are bewildering to me.

Perhaps even more fascinating to me are people who appear (or try) to be one thing, but in reality, are something different. Experts say Ted Bundy was such a character. Appearing clean up, handsome, attractive, caring – but he was a serial killer. Thankfully, I’ve not in the bad company of a serial killer. That I know of.

I have, however, been in plenty of bad company – people with whom I do not feel safe. People prone to dangerous behavior. People prone to have a negative impact on my life.

Company. Influence. Support.

These themes have grown more important to me over the years. The last decade has been a personal journey of self-discovery, figuring things out and in so many ways a monumental success. In other ways, it’s easily been the most difficult decade of my life. But I’m optimistic and hopeful. Still. Why not?

I reached a point where I simply refused to give time and space to bad company. I’ve always done it, but I’ve grown increasingly more intentional about it over the past 15 years or so. I’m purposefully shut out bad people from my life. And you know what? You don’t have to be alone. The title of today’s show isn’t a statement about the only options available. It’s just a statement that as bad as it is to be lonely, it’s worse to be in bad company. Thankfully, there’s a much better alternative…

Make sure the people who surround you are people who can help you become better and people willing to let you help them become better. And I’ve realized there’s one central thing that depicts bad company in my book. People with little or no compassion. People so self-centered they’re not bothered by their betrayal of others. They’re unfazed by the harm they cause others because what they want is just more important to them. Nothing else matters to them except what they want. These are the people who have always comprised “bad company” for me. Like that older boy killing the turtle. No compassion.

I’ve been ruminating about this for some time. The other night at church I gave a sermon I entitled, A Certain Samaritan Answers The Question, “Who Is My Neighbor?”

You can read the story in the Bible for yourself in Luke 10:25-37. It’s the parable most known as the story of the good Samaritan. Here’s the long and short of it. A man is traveling on a highway when robbers take advantage of him. They rob him, beat him, strip him and leave him to die. One man comes by and ignores him. He sees the wounded man is in dire need, but he walks by the other side. Another man passes by and does the exact same thing – walks by on the other side. Then a Samaritan walks by. It’s important to the story that he’s a Samaritan because a Jewish lawyer is the one who asked Jesus the question, “Who is my neighbor?’ He was hoping to trap Jesus. The Jews hated Samaritans. They even called them “dogs.” So for Jesus to illustrate the answer by using a Samaritan was especially noteworthy.

Well, the Samaritan has one quality the others lacked. The Lord said so in verse 33:

But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he was moved with compassion

The difference in the story between good company and bad company was compassion. The good Samaritan, as we’ve come to call him, had compassion. The others didn’t. Compassion made the difference. It still makes the difference.

I wish I could tell people how they can increase or obtain compassion, but I’m not sure I can. I rather suspect that bad company are mostly people disinterested in it or people who have fooled themselves into thinking compassion is something it’s not – like judgment. Harsh, critical judgment. Telling people what to do. Should’ing people.

My experience is that bad company is rooted in selfishness and arrogance. People who make bad company think they’re smarter than all the rest of us. They wonder how we get about without their guidance and wisdom. And that’s the irony of it all.

As we’re working to lean more and more toward wisdom, bad company is convinced that if we’d just bow to their will – we too could live more wisely. Mostly because we’d make their lives richer, fuller and more conceited.

The parable of the good Samaritan is a sad story not because of the actions he took, but because of the inaction of the other two men who saw the opportunity and ignored it. They couldn’t be bothered. There just wasn’t anything in it for them. #Selfishness

What’s the lesson here? What are we to learn from this?

For starters, everybody has trouble. Everybody is the wounded man lying by the side of the road half dead. Nobody is free of care, worry, struggle or trial. Nobody.

Next, whatever bravado or courageous face people wear doesn’t depict the truth. More often than not it’s a mask hiding the real person – the person fretful, worried and anxious about many things.

And since the common plight of us all consists of wounds, pain and suffering we ought to be more compassionate toward each other. And forgiving. And less judgmental.

But as I’ve often said – Judgment is easy. Compassion is hard.

Comparison is also easy. We look around and instantly gravitate toward those who seem to have it better. Like the two men in the story who Jesus said passed by on the other side, we can be oblivious to those less fortunate. While we fixate on those more fortunate.

Sometimes I write prayers. Just for my benefit. Yes, I’ll say them aloud, but there are times when it just feels best to write it down and get it in black and white. I did that this week. For the umpteenth time.

I tend to focus the start of a prayer on gratitude. I don’t think there’s any secret formula to prayer, but it just feels right to me to first express thanks. I’m not going to share my prayer with you because that just doesn’t seem right, but I will share on snippet of it. One important item that I think about quite often. And have for many years.

We are approaching 8 billion people on the planet. Estimates are that over 1 billion people live on dirt floors. If you’re not living on dirt floors then congratulations, you’re special. You’re blessed.

I wrote that in my prayer. I confess I’ve written than many times. Almost 2 billion people don’t have sanitary living conditions. Do you? Then you’re blessed.

We’re approaching 2 billion people who live in poverty, suffering many facets of poverty not just low income. That is, they lack education, clean living conditions and sufficient food. Do you? Then you’re blessed.

I think about the husband and father who last night lay awake fretful that his child lay dying due to starvation and he’s helpless to do anything about it. He lives in a wartorn, impoverished place where food is scarce or non-existent. He goes to bed at night fretful, asking himself, “What can I do?” He gets up and that nagging question is still lingering without any good answer. He’s hopeless. And helpless.

I’m not him. But I can’t help but feel both blessed and compassionate. I’m thankful I don’t face his realities, but I’m sad that he does. By his standards of living, I’m living in opulence and bliss. I’m not sure what to do for him. I don’t even know his name. Or where he lives. I just know there are hundreds of millions of hims out there. Languishing in despair.

While I sit here inside The Yellow Studio talking into a microphone that likely costs more than he’ll earn in a year. Within 10 feet of me is running water. An indoor toilet. Across the house is a fully stocked kitchen of enough food to likely feed him and his entire family for more than a month. Maybe two. And I sit here alone right now. Knowing bad company is worse than being alone, but wondering if I’m bad company. Am I?

It could likely be argued I am.

But are we bad company because we’re blessed? Or because we’re more blessed?

Not if we believe what the Lord was teaching in that story of the good Samaritan. It’s got nothing to do with need or want. It’s got nothing to do with abundance or wealth. It has everything to do with the heart – our mind. It has to do with our ability and willingness to be compassionate.

Empathy is understanding. It’s a great thing and I’m blessed with an abundant measure of it. But empathy doesn’t do anything necessarily. Except help a person get it.

Compassion is the horsepower driven by empathy because compassion acts. Compassion does something. And yes, I know, compassion does what it can, but knows some things can’t be done.

A person lays dying. I’m compassionate in attempting (poorly I might add) to console the living, but I’m powerless to do much of anything. What little I do may help. It may not. I’m not sure. In such moments I try to think of them, not me – and do what I feel may best serve them. I don’t know what better thing to do. My inability is huge in that moment.

I have many huge moments like that. Moments of inability. Moments that are simply too big for me – or my compassion. Like the father living in on dirt floors. With starving children.

I’d like to think I’d be good company for him. I rather think I would be. I’m not sure what exactly that would look like, but from the comfort of The Yellow Studio I think of him. I think of others like him. I pray. I look inside to leverage his plight to make myself better. All in an attempt to work on making sure that I am good company – and in my efforts to become even better company as time rolls on.

Randy

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According to the Northwestern website, a spacecraft leaving earth needs a speed of 7 miles per second or about 25,000 miles an hour to leave earth’s atmosphere without falling back.

I formed the habit of using metaphors and hyperbolic language to convey ideas in business. Early in my career, while leading and managing sales teams I intended to make things easy to understand and relatable. I started in sales so I suppose I did it because I sat through too many “sales meetings” where technical details, product details, and all the other dry, boring stuff was presented with all the panache of a cardboard box.

When the Eagle landed on the moon on July 20, 1969, I was 12. Maybe that had something to do with it. Business success, I learned, relied on having a successful launch (take off). But what does that mean? Well, it means you don’t crash. And in order to avoid crashing, you have to keep flying. If you’re flying high, like a spacecraft, then you have to get to orbit where you can safely fly without fear of crashing. That means you have to escape gravity. Technically, it’s escape velocity – the speed required to get beyond the earth’s atmosphere. Thanks to the brainiac physicists and other scientists we know the speed required – 7 miles per second.

Similar comparisons have been made to other forms of flight. Like regular planes. In business, we often talk about runways. Planes need runways. The bigger the plane, the longer the required runway. The visual is easy for anybody to understand. If a big plane is going to achieve lift-off, it needs a longer runway than some little lightweight single-engine plane. A business enterprise needs runway – cash and capital – to get lift-off.

It’s all about getting a lift. Going higher. Getting up in the air. Getting off the ground.

But we’re not talking about business. We’re talking about leaning toward wisdom. We’re thinking about our lives, which very well may include business and careers, but it’s more than that. It’s the total thing – every aspect of our lives. The complete person that is who we are. And perhaps more importantly, the complete person that is who we want to become. Our ideal self.

We’re all trying to escape something. 

“I won’t feel sorry for myself,” said Elizabeth the character in Poldark, an Amazon Prime TV series about who lost everything including house and status. It’s a powerful declaration of a character determined to escape the misfortune that had befallen her. “We’ll find economy and rebuild.” Without knowing the end of the story, we believe her because she seems determined to build enough momentum to escape her present reality. She’s headed toward escape velocity.

History teaches valuable lessons. Recently I revisited the 13 subjects crafted by Benjamin Franklin. He created a list of 13 things he wanted to work on to escape his status quo and go to new heights of achievement. Franklin formed the list while he was a printer in Philadelphia swimming in debt.

His idea was simple but brilliant. He’d devote one full week to each subject. After 13 weeks he’d start over again. By the end of a full year, he would have spent four full weeks on each item.

Little doubt Franklin thought by concentrating on these things he’d be able to escape the mediocrity and failure of his current life.

Here’s what Franklin wrote about these 13 subjects…and in this order:

1. Temperance – Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation
2. Silence – Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation
3. Order – Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time
4. Resolution – resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve
5. Frugality – Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e. waste nothing
6. Industry – Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions
7. Sincerity – Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and if you speak, speak accordingly
8. Justice – Wrong none by doing injuries or omitting benefits that are your duty
9. Moderation – Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve
10. Cleanliness – Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes or habitation
11. Tranquility – Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable
12. Chastity – Rarely use venery (sexual indulgences) but for health and offspring, never to dullness, weakness or injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation
13. Humility – Imitate Jesus and Socrates

UPDATE: Project #CravingEncouragement

Visit LeaningTowardWisdom.com/craving to learn how you can participate in this project (NO MONEY REQUIRED).

Stories, stories, stories. That’s what I want. YOUR story of a time when somebody encouraged you in a meaningful way – a way that made a big difference in your life.

This is it…my final update and last mention of the opportunity to make a financial contribution. And I’m very grateful to all the people who have contributed. Your donations warrant a special, “Thank you!” And now I’m going to stop behaving like a carnival barker. 😀

I’m less than $100 away from reaching the financial goal of adding a Rode Rodecaster Pro to The Yellow Studio. If you care to contribute, then I’ve got some special rewards for you, but no financial contribution is necessary to participate. I still want your stories.

Thanks in advance for participating in this project. Lord willing, in September I’m going to start scheduling some Skype calls and recording stories.

Benjamin Franklin came up with 13 things he felt would make him a better person. A more successful person. He was aiming to grow personally and professionally. By coming up with 13 he figured he could devote a full week to each item over 13 weeks, then repeat the process and repeat it again and again. It was a plan to work on a specific item for a week, to work on all 13 over 13 weeks, and to spend an entire year working on all 13 items four times a year.

Today we know much more about the mind and brain than Franklin could have imagined. But it seems he intuitively knew that forming good habits was necessary to escape gravity’s pull toward failure and foolishness.

That’s common knowledge today, even though we often ignore the power of it. Or fail to put in the work necessary to change or develop better habits. Habits that will accelerate our speed and enable us to reach a higher altitude in life.

Seven miles a second. That’s the speed required to escape earth’s gravity. Seems fast, right?

But in your head is the capacity to experience speeds that are almost instantaneous. You can change your mind in an instant. You can make up your mind in an instant.

The rocket requires lots of planning and building. Every detail prepared with great precision. But when the launch sequence is activated, everything changes. Instant acceleration. Instant progress toward the long-awaited goal.

You can gather facts and information as you prepare your mind for the moment of truth – the launch of something better. Some get stuck in that mode. Plan, prepare, plan some more, prepare some more, learn something else, plan a bit more…never leaving the ground because they never hit LAUNCH.

Learning doesn’t bring about change or improvement. Learning doesn’t provide escape velocity.

The personal development market is more than $10 BILLION annually. And the market is rising. It’s estimated that by the year 2022 it will exceed $13 BILLION.

Question: How much of that money will actually provide a return? That is, how many people who participate will do anything with the information they learn? I’m not a statistician so I have no idea how you’d figure that out, but it’s been surmised that fewer than 2% will put any of it to good use. Fact is, most people will not take any meaningful action to incorporate their new knowledge into something that could improve their life. It means there’s a lot of money invested in learning how to achieve escape velocity, but little is done to make it happen.

“After all is said and done, more is said than done.”  -Aesop

Look at your own life. Look at the learning you’ve engaged in through the years. You know more today than you’ve ever known. Truths, opinions, viewpoints are more bountiful in your life today than they’ve ever been.

Do you know enough?

You may say you don’t, but I’d argue you likely know plenty enough to be doing more than you currently are. It’s not a question of do you know enough to surpass all other humans. It’s a question of do you know enough to surpass who you were yesterday?

What’s the answer for achieving escape velocity?

Is it more information?

Is it more learning?

Is there something we just don’t yet know that’s holding us back?

No is the answer to the first two questions, but yes is the likely answer to that third one. There likely IS something we don’t yet know that’s holding us back, but it’s not so much learning as it is understanding.

It’s not more information that holds us back. It’s a lack of understanding coupled with the failure to incorporate that understanding into actions.

We continue to learn new information and mostly we do nothing with it. It serves no useful purpose to help us achieve escape velocity. So we remain stuck in the orbit we’ve long been in. Growing increasingly more comfortable where we’ve always been, but peering out into the future wishing for some magic to take us to a different orbit. We wish for a magic carpet even though we know such a thing doesn’t exist. Dreaming of it consumes us more than the willpower or determination to put in the work.

But let’s not be so cavalier or rough.

Frequently we seem stuck because we don’t know how to proceed. When we struggle with knowing what to do, the easy course is often to do nothing hoping that time may enlighten us.

We’ve all tried such a strategy. It’s highly likely that’s the strategy you’re currently deploying. Even though it has never worked. Even though it never will work.

I get it and you do, too.

We want answers about the unknown without ever making the trip. That’s what escape velocity is all about – venturing into the unknown so we can, at last, find out. And know. It’s the determination to figure it out – not by speculating, but by actually making new discoveries.

You won’t figure it out by just thinking about it. You’ll figure it out by trying things, doing things and going to places you’ve never been.

From what do you want to escape?

What fears stand in your way? What questions weigh heavy? What relationships need mending? What forgiveness need extending? What sins need forgiveness?

Benjamin Franklin formed his list of 13 subjects based on what he felt he needed most. It’s time to form our own list of 13 things. The things we need to incorporate into our life so we can achieve escape velocity and take off for higher altitudes.

It’s not horsepower you need. You’ve already got the capacity to achieve the necessary speed. Mind power.

The power of a mind made up to act. The power of a mind decided. A mind that will refuse anything or anybody to stop them from doing something in an effort to escape the present state of things. A mind determined to reach something higher. Something better. Something wiser.

Are you ready to tackle the beginning work – creating your list of 13 things?

Wait a minute, what? A podcast with homework assignments? Sure, why not?

By the way, did you know that I own the URL WaitAMinuteWhat.com? I do. I thought I might make a podcast of it when I first got it, but I never did anything except think about it. See, that’s how life goes. We do a lot more thinking about doing things than actually doing things.

Okay, back to the homework assignment. This is work you owe it to yourself to do. It’s not for me. Or anybody else. It’s not to prove anything to anybody except yourself. It’s an exercise all about YOU doing what YOU need to do to create the best version of YOU that YOU want. It doesn’t hinge on what anybody else thinks or wants. It just hinges on your ideal version of yourself and what 13 things you know you need to work on to get there.

Some people will think, “Thirteen? I can’t come up with 13.”

Others will think, “Just 13? That hardly seems exhaustive enough.”

Benjamin Franklin, who started out arrogant and quite full of himself, learned to consider himself ordinary. History has proven he was anything but ordinary. A creative man given to carefully and soberly consider things, but a man unwilling to stop there – with merely considering things. A man more driven to achieve and accomplish.

Franklin was a man who considered who he was. And who he most wanted to be. I rather think he had figured out that this is what would make the difference. This is what seemed to drive him to become the man we know – the man history remembers.

He was only 20 years old when he crafted his list of 13 virtues. Before you start thinking how young that was, realize that in the 1700’s you were doing good to survive to reach the age of 35. Franklin was 84 when he died.

By the time he was 24 Franklin had become the official printer of Pennsylvania. He had also formed the Junto, a group that met each Friday evening to discuss life, debate philosophy and devote themselves to self-improvement. He was 3 to 4 years into the habit of working on his list of 13 virtues. Coincidence? Doubtful. The man was dedicated to the work.

He helped incorporate the first subscription library in Philadelphia by the time he was 25. His publishing efforts expanded during the 1730s. It was during this period, the end of 1732 when he published the first edition of Poor Richard’s Almanack. He published it for 25 consecutive years and included many memorable quotes such as “Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”

Franklin’s ambitions expanded into scientific inventions and business by the time he entered the 1740s. He formed the first scientific society in the colonies. Toward the end of the 1740s he was among the richest men in Pennsylvania.

We can thank Ben for bifocals, the rocking chair, the discovery of the Gulf Stream and the establishment of the University of Pennsylvania. He also invented the lightning rod, the odometer and was among the handful of men who architected the Declaration of Independence.

More than 8 years ago a friend of mine from the U.K., Keith Davis, asked me to record a short video to post on his public speaking website. I fired up my webcam and gave it a go. This is the result…

Today we see the glorious successes of Benjamin Franklin. The failures are largely unnoticed these few centuries later. Truth be told, the failures weren’t likely even standing out in his lifetime thanks to the success. That’s what happens in most lives. Success overshadows failure. That’s likely why he wrote this.

“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.”

Franklin’s many failures began early with a number of unfulfilled apprenticeships. He had a number of failed inventions. He wasn’t exactly a rousing success as a husband and father either. But it’s his greatness we remember. Not his perfection, which never did exist. Or his imperfection, which always did.

It can never be said that he didn’t contribute and help create what has become the greatest nation the world thus far has ever known.

Leaning Toward Wisdom isn’t about us becoming perfect, or making ourselves more noble and honorable than we truly are. It’s about our working to embrace greater wisdom in our lives, about our doing our best more often than not to behave in ways that best benefit our lives and those around us. It’s not a quest for our personal perfection, but an unrelenting push to get better and better. To reach a speed in our lives where escape velocity is possible. A speed that will allow us to reach new heights, new orbits, new places, and new achievements not possible where we once found ourselves. It’s about making a commitment to not merely think about becoming better – but it’s about doing the work to actually become better. One day, one week, one year at a time.

Randy

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Thirty-nine years today – around 6 am – August 17, 1980, a Sunday morning – we had a baby boy. We named him Ryan Dale. And it changed our lives forever. In all the best ways. We were now parents.

Today, he’s all grown up. A father of three. A successful business owner, TruVision Property Inspections. A Christian.

It’s fitting that I recorded an episode on his birthday. And it’s even more fitting that I crafted this particular episode.

My son makes me better in every way and provides a profitable melody that has definitely helped open my eyes through the years. Lord willing, we’ll have many more melodies yet to come.

Enjoy the show!

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“All opinions are not equal. Some are a very great deal more robust, sophisticated and well supported in logic and argument than others.”       ― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

I don’t have a picture of me with blinders on, but I’ve got plenty of photos with headphones on.

I’ve intentionally been leading up to this for a while. My preoccupation for the last year has been learning how humans can be fueled by judgment. We love it. Most of us practice it proficiently. It makes us feel better about ourselves. Superior.

Part of my fascination with watching and learning more about this isn’t because of my own perfection, but just the opposite. I’ve never felt superior to hardly anybody. Ever. I just don’t think like that. I can be like most folks…prone to compare myself to others…but I’m more driven to understand people and spend my time working to figure them out. That’s my worm-hole…observing, learning and trying to figure people out. So people for whom judgment – harsh, critical judgment – comes easily are a mystery to me that I try to better understand.

My journey includes a strong desire to obtain and maintain peace. It’s less about making people like me, but more about working to avoid unnecessary conflict. I’m fond of productive conflict where people vigorously debate viewpoints in profitable ways. That is, when people argue a point with stated reasonings so you can learn why they think what they think. I’m equally unfond of people who want to argue with shallowness. “Why do you feel that way?” — “I just do!” That’s frustrating because it does nothing to help me understand WHY.

I judge people and situations plenty. All the time, in fact. But it’s discernment.

the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure

It’s the noticing that I can’t seem to do anything about. I used to try to avoid seeing things. I can’t. In fact, whenever I’ve tried to avoid seeing things it only intensifies my noticing.

I told a young person this week, “The thing I’d urge you to do sooner than later is to rid your life of the toxic, unsafe people in your life. I wish I had begun that process much sooner.”

I currently have very few unsafe people in my life – people who are close enough to me to have any relationship with me. I steer clear of unsafe people because it’s how I choose to live. And if they judge me for it, that’s not my problem. I don’t care.

Which serves to launch forth into the topic of caring. Or more appropriately NOT caring.

How can you stop caring what people think?

Boy do I not have this figured out, but I have made progress through the years. And I’m quite qualified to lay down some logic on you. Unfortunately, it’s the emotional head trash that gets in the way. That stuff overrides logic. But reiterating the logic may help us find a path forward to stop letting the opinions of others – especially the people who don’t matter to us – get in the way of our success.

I’m launching a new initiative that is hopefully going to be 100% of what I do professionally. Operating professional, paid-for, peer advisory groups for leaders. I’m currently working to build groups of SMB (small to medium-sized businesses) owners. Seven people in each group, with me serving as the facilitator.

I sent an email to a few of my Linkedin connections merely to let them know about it and to invite them to learn more. Once in a while I’ll get a reply like this (this is word-for-word what the lady wrote back):

I did not sign up for your emails, please take me off your list.

I made a quick discernment and figured anybody who’d take the time to write that after getting one email, isn’t likely somebody I’d enjoy working with. And I moved on. No, I didn’t respond. I just closed the door behind her, respecting her request.

Years ago that would have gotten into my head. I’d have likely gotten critical of myself and perhaps looked more closely at the wording of the email. Today, I know the wording has nothing to do with it. The offer or information in the email has nothing to do with it. The timing probably doesn’t have anything to do with it. She’s wired the way she’s wired and she sees the world through a very different lens than the one I’m looking through. It’s fine. Her response made me a winner because it gave me a concrete answer. A rejection. That’s a win for me because I know where she stands. And I also know she’s not my cup of tea because I’m not her cup of tea. It’s a big world and she’ll be a good fit for somebody who wants to serve her. Her action only gave me this illustration. Nothing more.

I literally spent 20 seconds opening and reading her email, then deleted her as a 1st connection on Linkedin to ensure that I wouldn’t violate her space again.

Growing from being affected by such a reply to not being affected was a process. One that depended on me thinking logically about what was happening so I could arm myself up to tackle the harder work – the emotional work.

It began when I asked myself, “Why do I care?” I don’t recall the specific thing, but it was likely something as innocuous as this lady’s email response. Nothing hateful. Just a negative reaction. And it sent me down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out how to avoid getting that reaction. I did that for too long. Until I paused my mind long enough to realize the truth of it – I didn’t create that reaction. And that reaction has nothing to do with me.

My intention wasn’t dishonorable. I wasn’t intrusive unless you consider getting an email out of the blue intrusive. I haven’t sent multiple emails. I’ve sent ONE email. Within 3 minutes of hitting send, I got her reply. She did what she did on auto-pilot I suspect. Which means it wasn’t personal. Had nothing to do with the contents of the email. And the only way to find get this response was to do exactly what I did – send her an email. Because here’s the truth. I could have done what I’ve coached lots of salespeople NOT to do. Pre-qualify somebody based on what you think. “They won’t buy.” Or, “They won’t be interested.” Who am I to make that decision for somebody else? That’s her call and I respect whatever decision she makes. That’s the logic of it all.

The story in our head is what gets in our way. We craft a narrative upon which we have little or no evidence. She hates me. She thinks my offer is horrible. She would have responded differently if I had worded it better. On and on it goes. In our head. The story of what went wrong. Where’s the evidence that anything went wrong? There isn’t any.

What worked for me was giving up control.

That’s right. Giving up control thinking I could affect every outcome. That’d be true if I were in charge of everybody’s thoughts and emotions, but I’m not. Some days I struggle with my own. 😉

It’s about giving respect to other people. Enough respect to know they’re going to think whatever they choose to think and they’ll feel whatever they choose to feel. I can only concern myself with my thoughts, feelings and intentions. If others ascribe to me thoughts, feelings or intentions that aren’t accurate, then I don’t worry about it. Sure, I may make an effort – IF I’m afforded the opportunity (which doesn’t often happen with toxic, unsafe, judgmental people). But I just turn the page and close the door behind them after they make it clear they’re going to walk through the door. Closing the door is my obligation to my own life. I get to decide who gets in and who doesn’t. Long gone are the days where I was more interested in doing whatever I could to get people who were inside my life to stay there. Logic taught me that they’re not in control of who gets into my life and who doesn’t. That’s my own responsibility to myself.

It’s the value of blinders and headphones.

It’s really the value of a healthy perspective and focuses on doing right by yourself instead of fretting so much about doing right by everybody else.

Now let’s make one thing clear. Well, I hope to make everything clear, but there’s one thing I absolutely do not want to be misunderstood. This isn’t selfish, self-centered arrogance. Nor is it behaving with chronic displays of ingratitude. Or being narcissistic.

It’s putting in the effort to make sure your intentions are honest. It’s giving proper consideration to the other person. It’s not being as presumptuous as perhaps you’ve been, thinking you can control the other person.

Instead, it’s about giving everybody the freedom to do as they please, even if their choice goes against you. It’s about holding expectations high for yourself while lowering what you expect from others. That was particularly hard for me. Not in a what can I get out of it sort of way, but in a way where I expected people to behave in a certain way.

For example, have you ever been lied to? Or lied about? Well, who hasn’t, right? We’ve all experienced both I suspect. Such behavior would always disappoint me. I thought better of people than that. But I’ve learned not to expect it (although admittedly there are people I do expect it of), but I’ve learned to not be so surprised by it. Or to dwell on it.

The injustice of it used to vex me, but through the years I’ve learned to just accept it. I know it’s not because these people don’t have access to the truth. Or because they lack the opportunity to speak with me directly to know whether or not what they’re saying is true. But because I know they do have those opportunities. Which means I can now discern their dishonest intentions and decide for myself how I’ll respond. I choose not to respond. I choose to ignore it and continue on with my life.

The value of blinders and headphones. The value of not looking at it (more closely) or listening to it. I’ve been working harder and harder to not being able to see it or hear it. I’m not there yet, but I’m confident I’ll make progress toward that end. Part of me is worried that if I push it too far I won’t be mindful, but this past year has taught me that I’m worried for no reason. Because I intend to be helpful and because that’s so important to me…it’s not going to happen. I’m never going to reach a place where I just don’t care what anybody thinks. Ever.

I’ve learned to discriminate. We hear that word used mostly in a negative context, but the fact is we must discriminate. We put limits on all sorts of things. We discriminate with our buying habits if we’re smart. We don’t just go buy everything we may want. Impulsive spenders do and they end up in financial straits. Hopefully, we’re financially responsible, which largely hinges us being discriminating.

We’re discriminating about the people with whom we associate. You don’t likely just invite anybody over to your house? And this exercise of discrimination impacts where you go and the activities you engage in, too.

Opinions. 

That’s really what we’re talking about. Opinions other people have of us.

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”
― Oscar Wilde, De Profundis

Self Esteem.

That’s the other thing we’re talking about. Maybe better said…how you feel about yourself. Specifically, your belief. In yourself.

Too frequently what we believe about ourselves isn’t from us, but from other people. The search for validation from others is a daily, exhausting exercise. Hoping we find people who won’t make us feel worse about ourselves. But more often than not finding people more capable of helping us find a new low in how we feel about ourselves.

You don’t have to be a people pleaser either. That just makes you even more susceptible to the opinions of others, but everybody can be impacted by what others think and say about them.

We worry about what is. We worry about what could be. We worry about what may never be, too.

I subscribe to far too many YouTube channels. Quite a few of them are vloggers (video bloggers) who are professional or semi-professional photographers. It’s not because I’m a photographer or even an aspiring photographer. I’m smitten by their creativity and ability to produce high-quality content.

I just watched a video by one such YouTuber. He had a guest on his show, another YouTuber. A portion of the conversation was one I’ve seen many times before by vloggers. They were in a very public place with lots of people around, both of them shooting video and the guest questioned his host, “How do you do this with all these people around? Aren’t you self-conscious?” The host went on to explain that he gets into a zone and pays no attention to the people around him. Meanwhile, the guest joked about the reason his videos most often show him crouched behind a dumpster or something shooting his videos.

Rather than easily blame this on the difference between being an extrovert or introvert, I’ve seen this conversation many times online among YouTubers. In fact, almost all of them have recorded shows where they confessed they suffered this same malady when they first started vlogging. But the more they do it, the more comfortable they become shooting video and talking into their camera while the world passes by.

The fear of what other people will think is universal. But perhaps so is the habit of doing whatever it is we want to do anyway.

We can be enslaved by what other people think. Strangers mostly. People who mean nothing to us in terms of our having a relationship with them. A vlogger talking into her camera in a public place isn’t surrounded by close friends, but by complete strangers. Why would she care what they think of her? I don’t know, but I understand it. Don’t you?

It defies logic.

We care about these strangers and what they’ll think of us. Mostly, we start making judgments about what they’ll think of us. And it’s never positive. It’s more logical to think a stranger could see such a spectacle and think, “Man, I wish I had the courage to do that.” But we never think that way. Instead, we think they’ll be saying, “Look at that ego-maniac thinking they’re so special they have to record everything in their life.”

We adjust our own thinking to match what these imagined naysayers might think. It curbs our enthusiasm. Not because they do it to us, but because we give them permission to affect us that way. We stop trusting our judgment and begin to rely more on what others think. Well, actually – we rely more on what we think they’ll think of us.

Safety is important and I would never overrate it, but we must keep it on context. I’m all about ridding our lives of unsafe people. They’re destructive to our lives. But that’s not the same thing as living a life that’s too safe – one where we’re fearful to take a step in any direction. A paralyzed life.

When we surrender our life to the opinions of others we crawl into a space where we think we’ll be safe. It’s actually a prison. I’ve never been to prison, but they don’t seem very safe to me. Confining? Yes, but safe? No.

Lock yourself up and throw away the key.

That’s what we do when we value the opinions of others over our own opinion. It’s a no-win game, too. Think about it. Have you lived any part of your life, or perhaps a significant part of your life, trying to please others? How has that worked out? Have you been able to pull that off?

Logically, you know that how you feel about yourself matters most. The trap is basing your own feelings on how others feel. Or what others think. And there’s this…their opinion of you, even if it is negative, is just passing. It’s not other people go around with you on their mind 24/7. But for you, it IS 24/7. Your feelings about yourself rule your life. Momentary judgment by somebody else – even if it’s stated judgment – now has longer-term power because you allowed it. You gave it greater strength and lifespan. This is where stepping back to think through this stuff may help you better realize what’s happening. Realizing what’s actually happening can serve us to figure out ways to curb it. Maybe even stop it altogether.

Shutting out other people’s opinions is key. And much easier said than done.

Permit a brief sidetrack about social and emotional intelligence. We used to just call it “people skills.” Reading cues from others and knowing how to respond in ways that foster safety and comfort – that’s the skill. You can’t exercise such skill with your eyes and ears closed. Greater awareness of your surroundings and the people in them provide you with the necessary information to figure out how to best respond. Or not (if you lack social awareness).

I’m thinking of somebody I know who has poor social awareness, but he’s unaware of it. He responds to almost all situations with awkward attempts at humor. I watch it from a safe distance with amazement that he can’t seem to find the bravery (or whatever it may be) to just remain silent and listen. But I’ve seen this before. Many times. Social awkwardness that results from the inability to properly read people or the situation. It prompts awkward responses.

We certainly don’t want that, but that would be the result if we completely shut out other people’s opinions. For me, the brain drain has been my naturally leanings toward heightened awareness – the downside of being a noticer. Like I said before, every time I try to curb my noticing it works in reverse to elevate it. I’m better off just behaving as naturally and not giving it more attention.

According to Healthline.com…

A sociopath is a term used to describe someone who has antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). People with ASPD can’t understand others’ feelings. They’ll often break rules or make impulsive decisions without feeling guilty for the harm they cause.

The upside of being a sociopath is you’re able to completely ignore the opinions and feelings of others. Well, none of what that.

How in the Sam Hill can we fix this mess? What can we do so our lives aren’t ruined by how much credence we give to others?

I’ve hinted at one big problem. It’s not necessarily the opinion of others. It’s the opinion we project on them. It’s what we THINK they’ll think. This is our own head trash.

The vlogger embarrassed to shoot in front of a public crowd is projecting his own fears on the people in the crowd. He doesn’t know these people. He knows nothing about them. But he’s able in a nanosecond to assert that they’re thinking negative things about him because he’s talking into his own camera. Those are his fears, not theirs.

That’s as a good a place to start fixing this as any. To understand that we’ve met the enemy and he is us.

The paradox is that the judgment we hope to avoid is being intensified. And we’re the guilty party. We’re the ones judging what others will think, feel or say. That judgment drifts over into us judging ourselves based on how we’re judging others.

Is that fair?

No. It’s not even logical. Or probable…that everybody who sees the vlogger will think something negative. Truth is, most people won’t notice or care. They’re busy going about their own day. Others are more likely to find it interesting. The vlogger’s fears are being projected onto every single one of them though and that causes him to shrink and vlog with less enthusiasm.

“What will THEY think?”

We’ve all said it. And wondered about it. As fond as I am of questions, it’s a really poor question. It’s a question that serves no useful purpose.

What we’re really saying is that we’re fearful of the judgment of others. Again, what purpose does that serve? Suppose the judgment is as critical as we fear. I’ve got another question, “What difference does it make?”

The word is “embarrassment.”

Have grandkids or children in your life and you’ll soon be engaged in a study of embarrassment. Five grandkids fill my life. Each are very different. Some are boisterous and outgoing. Others are more reserved. But they’re all prone to embarrassment about SOMETHING. It’s fascinating how one thing can embarrass one of them and not faze the others. It’s cute in kids. It’s sad in adults.

What is embarrassment?

a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness

Psychology Today has this to say about it…

Embarrassment is a painful but important emotional state. Most researchers believe that its purpose is to make people feel bad about their social or personal mistakes so that they don’t repeat them (thus benefiting the larger society), and its physiological side effects—like blushing, sweating, or stammering—may signal to others that someone recognizes their error and is not cold-hearted or oblivious. In fact, studies have shown that people who act embarrassed after committing a “bad act”—like knocking over a store display—are perceived as more likable than those who don’t, regardless of whether or not anything is done to make amends for the mistake.

Someone can also feel embarrassed on behalf of other people, a phenomenon known as vicarious embarrassment. Shame is another “self-conscious emotion” in the same category as embarrassment; it’s often deep-seated and related to self-esteem, and can be felt even when no one else knows about real or imagined slip-ups. Guilt is a similar emotion to both shame and embarrassment, but unlike either, it tends to focus specifically on what one has done, rather than who one is.

Embarrassment isn’t all the same. The vlogger is embarrassed even though nothing has happened. He’s done nothing. The crowd around him has done nothing. He’s embarrassed because of fears in his head.

That’s hardly the same thing as standing up in front of people with your fly unzipped. Discovering such a thing causes embarrassment which serves you in the future. Make sure your pants are zipped up so it doesn’t happen again.

It’s that social awareness stuff – people skills – we talked about earlier. We learn how to respond properly to people and situations.

When we let the opinions of others – mostly, the opinions we fear they’ll have – stop us, then we’re allowing our embarrassment to imprison us. It’s embarrassment without any evidence. No unzipped fly. Just fear in our head.

It’s different. But the same. We don’t want to be embarrassed.

Think about the last time you were embarrassed. What happened?

I’ll tell you mine. I walk. Quite a lot. In the middle of the night. Don’t ask. I sometimes live like a vampire. Not on a quest for blood, but I often come alive at night. 😉

I often walk by some baseball fields. As I walk around the fields, especially on the backside, I pick up baseballs that have been hit over the fence. I’ve got about 150 baseballs from just this summer.

The other day I collected a record number of baseballs. I carried a little fishnet bag to put them in. It’ll hold 8 or so. Well, I found 18 balls. EIGHTEEN!

I crammed 9 or 10 into the bag. The bag started to rip. Refusing to leave any ball behind, I grew embarrassed at what others might think. Here’s what’s stupid about it. Well, honestly, everything is stupid about it. But this is true confession time.

This was early in the morning. We’re talking about very few people being out. But the walk from behind the ball fields means walking between two dog parks (big dogs on one side and smaller dogs on the other – with a sidewalk going between them). At most there may be one person with a dog in one or the other. These dog parks aren’t fully occupied so early in the morning. But I began to be embarrassed carting all these baseballs around.

Think of this. A grown man. An old man. On an early morning walk. Collecting all these baseballs. Walking around with a fishnet bag full of them, which means you can see I’ve got baseballs. And in each hand, I’ve got 3-4. What kind of freak is this walking around our neighborhood? Oh, that’s the crazy old man who lives over there.

I did what you do. And what everybody does. I didn’t stop to face that fear or embarrassment, even though I did stop long enough to take that picture of the 18 balls. A record-setting walk.

Once I got between the two dog parks I started grinning broadly. The thought struck me, what if I behaved excited about this record-setting walk. It was funny to think about shouting, “Hey, look how many baseballs I collected this morning!”

Here’s the fact. The truth. It’s not a big deal.

It illustrates how our minds can work against us though. If I can fear embarrassment about walking around with 18 baseballs, then I can fear just about anything, right? Quit laughing at me. You’re no better! 😀

We’re all ninnies. Sometimes.

Do you know how freeing it is to not care what people think? Sure you do. Now let’s think of a time when that happened. Besides, we need to counteract thinking of a time when we were embarrassed. So think of a time when you just didn’t care what anybody thought. Maybe it was because you wanted something badly enough it didn’t matter. Maybe it was because you stopped and thought long enough about how ridiculous you were being. It doesn’t matter. Just think of a time. Remember how liberating it felt?

I’ve been in quite a few workshops or seminars where participants were asked to present in front of the group. It always starts off, “Who wants to go first?” Some ballon-headed ego maniac tends to leap up hoping to show off. 😀

By the time it gets around to the third or fourth person, I’ll raise my hand. In those situations, I just don’t give a care what anybody, especially the people in charge, thinks. I’m pretty confident on my feet and logic tells me (based on evidence) that I’m fairly competent in such moments and evidence also tells me nothing bad is going to happen. It helps that I’m able to laugh at myself. In fact, I’m usually the first to do it. So I figure if I get up and my fly is unzipped, I’ll point it out, zip up and remind any gentleman in the audience, “Check your zippers right now!” I guarantee I’ll have every man check his pants.

It’s beyond liberating. It’s rather exciting. I’d say it’s even FUN.

That’s the evidence speaking. Not head trash. Not fear. Not worrying about what others will think. You know what it really is? It’s control of your own life. That’s the exciting part.

The value of blinders and headphones is just a metaphor for putting a stop to comparing yourself to others. We look at what others are doing. We listen to what they’re doing.

I’ve been podcasting for many years. I’m not successful by any measurement that most people care about. I don’t make money podcasting. I don’t have a big audience. I’ve never tried to game the system. I don’t care. When I began I never expected any of those things. It’s not because I didn’t think I could do it successfully. It’s because those weren’t the drivers for me then, and they’re not the drivers for me now. I know and keep up with the space. I know more about podcasting than most people ever will. Because I started early and I’ve stayed with it. I love doing it and I think I’m capable. I’ve also gotten better because I’ve put in the work.

I bring that up because this is one endeavor where I just don’t care what others think. I never have. I care about YOU. I care about bringing value to you. I hope I make some meaningful difference in your day or week. To have a meaningful impact on your life is a big ask and I’m not sure I’m capable of something that grandiose. 😉

Would I like to have more of you listening? Sure, but I spend no time trying to crack that code with format changes, length of shows, release days, cover art, social media promotion or anything else. It’s pretty organic around here, which is why my audience is limited – and why I’m good with it. We’re like a small club and that suits me.

I’m part of the podcasting community and have been for 20 years. I still get tickled at people in forums and groups clamoring to get into Apple’s New & Noteworthy. Or people with four episodes wanting to figure out to make money. I don’t disrespect them. I just don’t care. And I really don’t care about the Joe Rogans or other super successful podcasters who are able to make tons of money in their podcasts. Good for them. I’m not them. And I’m good with it.

Fact is, I spend NO TIME comparing myself to other podcasters. And I can’t really explain it. How am I able to get up in front of a group of strangers at a workshop or seminar and not care? How am I able to podcast week after week for years on end and not care? How am I NOT able to walk around with 18 baseballs without caring? Makes no sense.

Welcome to the human race and the power of our mind. Captured by our own thoughts. Thoughts we clearly can control if only we would.

Few things have proven as strong as a mind made up. 

I’m not remotely tempted to compare my podcasting to anybody else. It started that way and if anything, it’s just grown stronger through the years. Maybe the key is I began it that way.

Here’s what we all logically know is true. Everybody has their own head trash. Everybody has their own worries, troubles and fears. We THINK everybody is watching us, but even as I walk between the dog parks with 18 baseballs, the reality is all those people with dogs in the park are fixated on their lives. Turns out there weren’t many people in the park at that hour of the morning, but even if the parks were packed…I’d have largely gone unnoticed. That’s the truth.

It doesn’t feel that way in our head though.

Free yourself from others. Stop fretting about what other people MAY think. Quit running from your fear and face it. Because it’s pointless. Fear truly does mean False Evidence Appearing Real. No evidence. No logic.

The evidence is that what Joe Rogan does in his podcasting glory and success has no bearing on my podcasting endeavors. Zero. But I could become fixated on his success – or anybody else’s success – and let it impact how I feel about my own efforts. Again, what use would that be? How would that help me grow or improve? It wouldn’t!

Who are you comparing yourself against? Don’t answer that. It’s likely an enormous number that includes people you know well, people you barely know and people you don’t know at all. It’s EVERYBODY.

Let it go. Today.

In the past 40 years, parents have grown increasingly focused on the self-esteem of their children. It prompted the “everybody gets a trophy” fakery that has provided such entitlement that now workplaces are challenged with people who can’t deal with the realities of adversity. So many kids grew up in fake environments where they were overly protected from real-world consequences like LOSING.

This doesn’t mean self-esteem isn’t important. It’s very important. It can’t be based on how you stack up against somebody else though. So all the kids get medals or trophies…it doesn’t make you a winner. And it’s proven it doesn’t give you true self-esteem either. It makes you weak, unable to face the realities of losing, something we all experience! Parents tried hard to fill their kids with self-esteem by bragging on their every endeavor and protecting them from knowing they sucked at something. Didn’t work. Won’t work.

Self-esteem comes from self.

It sure doesn’t come from having too high a value of how others view you – collecting trophies. Parents can figure out the right strategy. I’m not trying to tell you how to parent. I know my parenting, which ended a few decades ago, didn’t give any consideration to what other people thought. Just another area where I had no trouble ignoring the opinion of others.

I’m only making observations about what I know business leaders are facing today with workers entering their companies. Young employees who have never been told the truth and now find it difficult to handle any criticism intended to help them become better. They just want to be bragged on and many find it tough to handle anything else. Plus, many need constant validation that they’re doing a good job. Why? Because self-esteem parents thought they were building didn’t happen. Instead, external validation became THE important driver in their kids’ lives.

This is where we have to deploy enough ego to serve ourselves. It’s also where we have to stop waiting for others to help us with it. Nobody is coming to fill you up with self-worth. Nobody.

Psychologists tell us to start feeling better about ourselves without regard to how others feel about us. Well, okay. Nuff said. 😀

How?

I can only share what I think serves me. Let’s see if it helps you.

For me it starts with the behavior I’m proud of. If I’m ashamed of myself, that erodes my self-esteem. It feels right. I mean, if I misbehave I don’t want to feel good about it. I want to feel appropriately ashamed so I grow and behave better.

Character is the thing. The rules of how I’m going to live. As a Christian, that’s not some moving target. It’s fairly defined, established by the Bible. What’s left is for me to compare my life not to somebody else but to what God dictates in the Bible. If I measure up, then I’m on track. If I don’t measure up, then I need to make some changes.

The big thing for me is intent. I have to work daily to make sure my intentions are where they should be based on the life I’m professing. I wish I could tell you that 100% of my days have well-placed intentions that are congruent with my faith. But that’s not true. What is true is that I always work (some days not nearly hard enough) to course correct. So I could argue that 100% of the time I’m focused on my intentions. Either fixing them or knowing they’re where they belong.

That speaks directly to my self-esteem. I can live with reasonable assurance that I’m trying to live a better life – a life dictated by faith. What does any of that have to do with others? NOTHING. I know that. So I also know my self-esteem in this regard is steeped in my commitment to my faith. That commitment is my own. Just like my self-esteem.

There are other areas of my life where validation is meaningful. That’s what project #CravingEncouragement is all about. It’s the power of our ability to express belief in somebody. It’s important. I’d never undervalue it. But it can’t replace or displace how you believe in yourself. It can enhance it. Grow it.

This is where boundaries are necessary. It’s why I’m intent on ridding your life of toxic people.

People filled with harsh judgment. People who tear others down so they can elevate themselves. People who are dishonest. Unreliable. Untrustworthy. Unsafe people.

Get away from these people. Don’t let them into your life.

Simple.

Maybe not easy, depending on who they are, but simple. And the most powerful thing you might do for yourself. Build a wall to keep those people out of your life. Or risk having them come in to destroy all the good you would do, or be. You’ll likely feel free and better once you show those folks the door.

Humility is easy for me. I’ve just never felt like I was what the world was waiting for. I’m daily tickled by people willing to state their ambition is to “change the world.” Perhaps it’s because of my faith. Maybe it’s because I learned defeat as a kid. Maybe it’s because of when I was born. But for whatever reason, I’ve never had too high an opinion of myself. And I don’t mean I’m down on myself. I just mean I don’t walk into any room and think, “Yep, I’m the smartest guy here.” NEVER.

Part of humility is gratitude. I’m thankful for who I am and where I’m at. I’m thankful for the people who invested time and effort in me to help me become who and what I am. But I realize I used these resources. It’s on me. Owning it just isn’t problematic for me.

The good. The bad. I’m happy to own it all. Shoot, I’m even happy to own stuff that doesn’t belong to me. Somebody smarter than me will have to explain that, but it’s easy for me to accept blame. Maybe because it’s easy for me to sincerely apologize. It’s my life and I figure I can live it as I want. So mostly I do what’s natural, easy and comfortable as far as my character goes. That is, I’m not spending any time trying to be somebody I’m not.

Being true to yourself likely has someplace in this conversation. It’s your life. I’ve got my own. And frankly have my hands full with my own so I can’t be too bothered by trying to live yours for you. Yes, I know there are people who will happily tell you how to live. Opinionated people who must foist their opinions on others. BOUNDARIES, remember? I don’t let those people into my life. At most, I tolerate limited interactions with them only as needed. And I actively search for ways to avoid any interaction with them.

You have to own your life. Not as a victim, but as a captain.

If it were a math equation it would be simple. List all the opinions of others. Real or imagined. Now list your opinion. The sum of all the other opinions adds up to ZERO. Your opinion has some value greater than zero. That’s just how it is, whether you realize it or not. Today’s show intends to help you better realize it.

A mind made up.

I just have no better answer or solution. To make up your mind that nobody’s opinion is going to matter as much as your own. To commit yourself to yourself.

It’s not about living in solitude or loneliness. Nor is it about avoiding surrounding yourself with great people who can serve you well. Contrary, it’s about putting in the work to be more intentional about that work. To forget about fear and failure so you can live your best life. To be around people who can help fuel that drive.

What if I get up in front of people with my fly unzipped? What if I fail?

Well, I’m gonna learn. That’s what. I’m gonna figure it out.

I’ll zip up my pants. Make a joke. Make sure all the guys look at their own pants. Laugh. And move on.

I’ll work harder to create a moment of learning. A memory that serves some purpose other than me feeling bad about myself. How is the universe benefited by me feeling bad about myself? Especially when I had the opportunity to make a more positive moment from it?

What’s the alternative? Never get up in front of people again for fear my fly may be unzipped?

Care less. And do it with enthusiasm. Next time I may give that topic a go – enthusiasm. I’m now getting pretty fascinated by the power of that.

But that’s for later.

For now, find value in putting on blinders and headphones. See what you want to see. What you need to see so you can become a better person. Listen to what you want to hear. What you need to hear so you can grow into a better human.

It’s about being your best. And refusing to let anybody or anything stop you.

It’s about doing the thing you’re most fearful of doing. The shy vlogger should vlog daily in public in front of people and he’ll quickly get over it. You should stop paying attention to everybody’s opinion over your own. The more you do it, the more quickly you’ll realize it only had power you gave it. When you stop fueling it, its power goes away. And then you can soar.

Randy