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According to the book by Dan Pink, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, research shows that the secret to high performance isn’t our biological drive or our reward-and-punishment drive, but our third drive—our deep-seated desire to direct our own lives, to extend and expand our abilities, and to live a life of purpose.

Pink also reveals a new approach to motivation that has three essential elements: (1) Autonomy—the desire to direct our own lives; (2) Mastery—the urge to get better and better at something that matters; and (3) Purpose—the yearning to do what we do in the service of something larger than ourselves.

Dr. Alan R. Zimmerman’s book, Pivot: How One Turn In Attitude Can Lead To Success, provides a 9 step attitude revolution to help the reader:

1. Evaluate your status quo
2. Choose your mental strategy
3. Curb the negativity blocking your success
4. Improve your confidence
5. Build stronger relationships
6. Experience an instant boost in enthusiasm
7. Make every day a successful day
8. Stop worrying
9. Overcome failure

I can’t (well, I could, but I don’t want to) count the number of books I have that preach a message of positive change, making a mental turn toward a more positive life and taking steps to climb out of failure so you can achieve success. If words would do it, I’d have done it decades ago. If words would do it, you’d think I’d expand the podcast and release daily episodes. But you’d be wrong. 😉 We need words. Encouragement. But we need something more. Much more.

Do you know why thousands of books are published each year on dieting, health, and fitness? Well, sure. Because it’s one of the biggest selling markets on the planet, but why is that? Why do people buy these books in droves?

For starters, most are likely searching for the magic bullet. The one trick that will finally provide the answer they’ve looked for all their fat out-of-shape lives! They’ll keep looking until they find something that sounds easy enough for them to try. And if it works, “Eureka!” If not, they’ll keep looking at those new releases.

Others aren’t keeping an eye peeled on the books published. Timing is right and today, they’re driven to search out an answer for their circumstance. Like a guy driving to work without a care in the world – especially no concern about his tires – they weren’t looking at these books before today. But on his way home, he has a blowout. Now, he’s very interested in tires. Twenty pounds later, in a scale staring epiphany a person decides, “Man, I’ve got to get a grip on my weight!” Now, they’re looking at the various books.

Maybe it’s all timing. Timing of the message. Timing of reception of the message. And let’s not discount how the message is delivered. Spend some time at YouTube and if you’re old like me, you won’t hear much new, unless it’s technology-based. All the expert testimony about human behavior is the stuff I grew up reading and hearing. And it wasn’t new then either.

Ecclesiastes 1:9 “That which has been is what will be, That which is done is what will be done, And there is nothing new under the sun.”

Indeed. There’s not much new under the sun when it comes to human behavior and what we chase. Or even in how we chase it.

As for books…

Ecclesiastes 12:12 “And further, my son, be admonished by these. Of making many books there is no end, and much study is wearisome to the flesh.”

Truer still. Books and books and more books. Largely a regurgitation of very ancient maxims wrapped in new clothing. I can buy a new suit, but it’s the same old body underneath.

Sometimes we likely look like the apostle Paul did to Festus in Acts 26:24 “Now as he thus made his defense, Festus said with a loud voice, “Paul, you are beside yourself! Much learning is driving you mad!”

I may be mad, but it’s doubtful due to too much study. 😉 It’s entirely possible though to read too much. To study about it too much. To think about it too much. Again, there’s a critical component missing.

Fat folks want to turn it around.

People lost on the highway need to turn it around.

Procrastinators need to turn over a new leaf and stop putting things off.

People who have lost their way absolutely need to turn it around.

Largely we’re a bunch of critters headed in the wrong direction. Needing to turn it around. Even high achievers sometimes get themselves turned around, going in the wrong direction.

Which begs the question, “Why is it so easy to go the wrong way?”

Here in the big city we occasionally encounter roadway disasters, largely at the hands of drunk drivers. They somehow maneuver onto the highway going the wrong direction. Sometimes they can be safely stopped without incident. Others times they cause a tragic head-on collision that takes lives. The sober among us question, “How in the world did they manage to get their car onto the highway via an exit ramp?” No matter. They did. A skill best performed when the human mind is out of control I suppose. Maybe that’s the key to all this going the wrong way. We’re out of our minds!

Quite possible.

“I know I can turn it around.” I’ve said that to myself before. Only to prove to myself and others that I was wrong. I can’t. Well, to be fair. I didn’t. Maybe I could have. I just couldn’t figure out how. Or I couldn’t figure out how soon enough to show myself and others.

Do you ever say that to yourself? Or hear somebody else say it?

“I know I can turn it around,” is really a rather empty statement if you stop to consider it. First of all, the reason we say it is because we need to turn it around. Perhaps we’ve been going in the wrong direction for a very long time. Now, for some odd reason, we’re going to make this declaration – a bold, seemingly courage-filled declaration – that we KNOW we can turn it around.

How do we know that?

It’s not because we’ve done it before. Truth is, all we’ve done so far is proven how capable we are of driving in the wrong direction. We’ve got that down cold. But this turning thing? What makes us think we can do that?

It’s like whistling in the dark. We make such statements hoping to build up the courage and whatever else we need to get it turned around. It being our life. Or some specific pursuit we’re failing to catch.

Kids try something and fail, then as soon as an adult attempts any effort at coaching, the kid makes the bold claim, “I can do it. I can do it.” Well, we’ve sat here watching you struggle for 10 minutes. Maybe you’re a bigger idiot than you thought. Maybe you should stop and let us try to help you. Nope. “I want to do it on my own.” Fine. Ten more minutes of failure ensues. Maybe they get it. Maybe they don’t. Maybe they quit after proving to themselves, “I thought I could, but I was wrong. I can’t.” Such moments can become life-defining.

It’s the reverse of the little engine that could. It’s the little engine that couldn’t. Far more little engines can’t than can. Stubborn, uncoachable engines determined to show us. Ultimately giving up showing us they can when they at long last figure out, “No, I can’t.”

It weakens the resolve of most. Cripples many. Only the most resilient move on and don’t let it impact their life. Or their confidence. Some learn to accept help. Most don’t. That’s only my observation and experience. I reserve the right to be wrong. And to admit I can be jaded. 😉

A lifetime (however long that may be) of going the wrong way provides what evidence that we can turn it around?

I understand the importance of belief and confidence. In fact, just about every day I’m telling somebody “they’re everything.” And I don’t think I’m far from wrong. I’ve seen genuinely confident people with lower levels of competence far out-perform superior competency with low confidence. Don’t assume knowing is the same as doing. It’s not. Hence all those diet books that are written, published and sold. With new authors and experts entering the space daily. And new customers entering hourly.

I’ve lived long enough to have learned that if I could grant myself or those I love most one human quality that may likely fuel greater success…it would be confidence. I’m not talking about making them braggarts. Or pompous, arrogant obnoxious humans. I’m talking about gifting them quiet confidence best described as an inner belief.

“I know I can turn it around,” isn’t the declaration of a person who has that. It’s the declaration of a person who is trying to find that. It’s the admission of a person that they lack it and that’s the very thing helping them go in the wrong direction. Like the drunk driver entering the exit ramp, it’s insanely easy when you’re not thinking clearly. Those of us who are sober look at that onramp and realize that you’ve got to maneuver your car in the most awkward positions to make it happen. Sobriety is like wisdom. And confidence. Drunkenness is like foolishness, insecurity, and doubt.

I’m a big believer in words. The verbiage matters. Especially the words we tell ourselves. So I completely understand the self-talk and the outer talk manifested by it to make the statement out loud, “I know I can turn it around.”

I also know what I most mean when I say it. I’m NOT declaring quiet belief – a true inner belief – that I can. Rather, I’m asking the person to whom I’m making the declaration to express their belief in me. Because I don’t have enough.

It’s false bravado. Nothing more.

And I think that’s universally true. For everybody who does the same.

Sometimes people may respond, “Of course you can.” But that doesn’t help. Come on. I don’t believe what I’m saying to myself. Why do you think I’m gonna believe YOU? 😀

It’s a process we try. Just like the little kid trying something and failing. Over and over. Until they figure it out. Or until they give up and quit. Fruit flies live 40 – 50 days. Cheerleading lasts that many seconds. At most. That’s why it doesn’t work. It’s not a deep enough expression of belief to make a lasting impact.

Does reasoning work? It can. There are no guarantees. I know this much. Without evidence or strategy, we’re just wishing, not hoping.

Hoping isn’t the same as wishing. Most people do lots of wishing. And I’m cynical enough to think most people – at the very least, MANY PEOPLE – are rather hopeless. Especially when it comes to people in their life. Perhaps even with their own lives.

There are some people I love who are living foolishly. Destructive and wasteful lives. I can’t say I have hope because I have no influence or impact on their lives. Nothing is happening to provide hope. But I’m filled with wishes. I wish circumstances would come their way to cause them to rethink their current path. I wish they’d come to themselves and wisen up. It’s nothing more than a wish.

If they were taking actions to turn it around, then I’d have hope. Hope that their actions and resolve would benefit them. But until their mind is made up to turn it around, and until they begin to take some actions to demonstrate their mind is made up — I’ll have to restrict myself to wishing, not hoping.

This is a big and important topic because every human life experiences it. The words we ascribe to the feelings are dreaming, wishing and hoping. We too often use those terms interchangeably, but they’re not the same. Not even close.

Dreaming. Dreams.

fantasies about something greatly desired

Every child does it. Easily. Some of us can maintain it into adulthood.

They’re useful because they speak to something we “greatly desire.” Don’t our accomplishments stem from that? Of course. We set out to learn and perform things we really desire. So dreaming can certainly have a positive impact and add fuel to our pursuits. Or they can remain fantasies we decide aren’t worthy of our efforts. We’d just rather fantasize about having them.

Wishing. Wishes.

a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable; want something that cannot or probably will not happen

I’m taking issue with the insertion of the word “hope” in that definition, but I understand the usage.

Why is it a wish? Not because of our strong desire, but because of the practicality of it. It’s not easily attainable. It can’t happen or probably won’t happen.

Dreams can serve a positive purpose to fuel action. Wishes can’t. They don’t serve us or anybody else. We just hold them because they may feel good for us. Feeling good doesn’t result in doing anything productive though. No turning happens because of wishing.

Hoping. Hopes.

want something to happen or be the case; intend if possible to do something

Dreams have desire that may or may not spark action.

Wishes have desire incapable of doing anything.

Hopes have desire with intentions. Something is being done to make it so.

These are critical feelings and words because they speak to our making needed turns. Sadly, we likely lean more into the first two feelings, which may provide answers for why we don’t turn things around more often. Or more easily. We’re stuck dreaming and wishing, both feelings that lack one important ingredient – ACTION.

Turn is a verb. An action word. Sure, we make the turn first in our head and we’ve talked about that before. Few things are as powerful as a mind made up. It’s getting to that point that’s tough. Making up your mind to turn around can be very difficult.

Once you make up your mind to do it, then you’ve got to put in the work to figure out how to go about it. Scenario planning in our head can cause us to quit before we ever turn the steering wheel. Doubt and fear interrupt our best-laid plans. “What if it doesn’t work?” is a real concern. Nevermind that we’re still going in the wrong direction and that it’s highly unlikely we’ll veer into an even more wrong direction. Our thoughts can paralyze us from moving the wheel at all.

None of it is very logical.

Or practical.

Or likely.

But still we’re filled with fear and doubt.

People who overthink hear the constant admonition, “Stop overthinking it. Just do it.” It’s like telling a fat person, “Be thin. Stop being fat.” Easy for you to say. You’re thin. Guess why you’re thin! Because you don’t suffer the slow metabolism or lack of confidence the fat guy suffers from. And rich folks don’t suffer the maladies that come from poverty either.

Enter empathy (understanding) and compassion (doing something with that empathy). You only know what YOU know. The fat guy understands what it is to be fat. But he can judge the thin guy just as easily as the thin guy can judge him. Neither may understand the other. Or their plight. It takes work to do that. Work that too many aren’t willing to put in. Easier to just call you a name and be done with it.

Meanwhile, back inside the head, our brains are firing on all cylinders convincing us this may never be possible for us. So we verbalize our desire hoping to spark within us some newfound remedy called confidence. Belief.

“I know I can turn it around.”

Translation: “I’d like to, but I’m not sure I can. I’m more sure it won’t be able to in spite of the fact I really think I want to.”

Hope is not a strategy, but it’s born of a strategy. Without hope we’re living nothing more than fantasies, dreaming and wishing we were somebody or something different. Better.

Hope is needful. Useful. Necessary.

The key is to move from dreaming and wishing to hoping. That means you’ve got to deploy some actions. You have to do something. And it can’t be the same thing you’ve been doing. At least not if you want a different result. And you do, or you wouldn’t be thinking of turning it around. Or turning over a new leaf. You’d happily keep living under the same leaf if it was doing for you everything you most wanted. But it’s not. You’re dissatisfied. Or perhaps miserable.

Only when we’re sick and tired of being sick and tired so we normally DO something different. That’s why major events provoke the most substantial changes. The guy with a horrible diet and poor fitness gets a wake-up call when he’s rushed to the ER with chest pains. A survivable heart attack wakes him up. The doctor tells him what he must do to save his own life. He’s now open to what the doctor tells him. Last week, not so much. Today, his whole world view is different because he’s scared. Scared enough to DO SOMETHING he’s never done before. Defeat or failure isn’t an option. His mind is fully made up. He’s GOING TO TURN IT AROUND. And now.

Years later he may tell everybody he knows how this heart attack was the very best thing to ever happen to him. Without it, he’d likely have continued his poor behavior and died of a massive, unsurvivable heart attack.

But still we wait. For the blowout on our car. Or the heart attack. Proactive change – turning over a new leaf without provocation is hard. Winds of change help.

But we’re not leaves. Leaves lack the ability to turn themselves. We’re not so powerless. We can change at will. In an instant.

If we will.

We largely don’t because we don’t think we can. We may feel like we’re nothing more powerful than a leaf. So turning never happens. Not because we don’t need to, but because we think somebody has the wheel. Hello, victim!

Feeling sorry for ourselves is super effective. Not in helping us turn it around, but in helping us remain stuck. Or lost. Or worse.

Taking action helps. Even if it’s the wrong action, which is only evident by taking action. Otherwise, there’s no way to find out if what we’re doing is the right thing or not. Turning the wheel is the only way to change direction.

In the absence of courage or confidence, we ought to try diving headlong into hope. Real hope. The kind of hope that relies on doing something worthy of it.

Perhaps that’s a key consideration. Leaning so far into hope that we understand it’s just a dream or a wish until we take action. Sometimes I catch myself using a phrase, “meaningful action.” But I’m coming to believe that meaningful action is only evidenced by taking any kind of action.

Just today I engaged in a conversation to encourage somebody. He’s pursuing an opportunity. He’s a little bit nervous and anxious. My role? Encourager. So I set about to help increase his confidence.

He’s a business guy and we both know business problems are solved by first making an assumption. Not a false assumption necessarily, but an assumption of some sort. We survey the situation, gather whatever evidence is readily available and then we begin to work out a solution. Working out the solution means we don’t begin with the entire known universe. We begin with whatever assumptions we can make based on the evidence at hand. The real work now begins as we work to determine if our assumptions are correct or not. The only way to find out is by acting on our assumptions and making adjustments along the way. The only way to measure our assumptions is to act on them.

That’s how our lives work, too. The only way to figure out what works is to try stuff. But we’re not out here behaving willy-nilly without any direction. Like business people who look at a problem, gather evidence then make an assumption to give them a starting point…we should do the same thing.

Business people competing in the market don’t have the luxury of sitting around wishing things were better. We’ve got to busy ourselves making them better. Or our businesses die.

So I reviewed the evidence of his qualifications to successfully pursue and seize this opportunity. We walked through my assumptions based on the evidence of his experience, skills, and credentials. I presented compelling evidence for the assumptions. He couldn’t deny my conclusions and said he agreed. Does it mean we’re right? Only one way to find out. Test them by chasing the opportunity with an intensity based on the belief that we’re correct.

What’s the worst thing that can happen?

Because we can travel lost for our entire lives…we sometimes don’t turn it around. Going in the wrong direction dramatically impacts the quality of our lives, but doesn’t likely affect us in a deathmatch. Although it could (drunkenness, drug addiction, gambling addiction, criminal behavior, etc.).

Permit another scripture…

Ecclesiastes 8:11 “Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.”

Because things don’t change instantly we get complacent and fixated on continuing to do what we’ve always done. Sure, we hope for an improved outcome, but mostly we crave the comfort of the known. For many of us, that comfort trumps an improved result. The direction we know, even if it’s wrong, is comfortable. So we keep going.

We’re accustomed to facing this specific direction. Nevermind that a different direction would help us grow. Or give us a much-improved view. We’re comfortable facing this way because we’ve been facing this way all of our lives.

How can we yearn more for a new direction? How can we be driven enough, curious enough to carve a new path, even if it’s one we’ve never experienced?

Logically we know everything we’ve ever learned began with enough curiosity or courage to try something we’d never done before. Sometimes – I dare say, MOST TIMES – it worked out well. Sometimes VERY WELL.

Maybe the research Dan Pink referred to is important. That 3rd drive —our deep-seated desire to direct our own lives, to extend and expand our abilities, and to live a life of purpose. But does it exist to the degree it should so it can help us turn it around? That’s entirely up to us. And only us. Sure, others can encourage us, but nobody can do this for us.

It could be the desire isn’t deeply-seated enough.

It could be we’re not that interested in extending and expanding our abilities.

It could be we lack purpose.

Those are big variables in the equation. Any single one of them could wreck us in turning it around.

“I wish I was different, better,” might be the lamentation of your life. Today, I just want to help you make one change – one shift in how you frame your life. Stop wishing. Stop dreaming. Instead, HOPE.

Hope things are different and better. Remember, hope needs a basis – some evidence. That’s where you make a big difference. You do things that will provide you with hope. Take some action. Turn the wheel in a different direction. Pay attention. Did the turn benefit you? Are you now heading more toward your desired outcome? If so, then keep going or turn a bit more and see if it takes you closer or further away from the goal. Keep adjusting until you get it turned around.

“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.”   ― William Faulkner

Swimming is required. Turning. Actions are taken because of your strong desire to control your own life.

As Jack Welch, former chief of General Electric was fond of saying…

Control your own destiny or somebody else will.

Randy

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Two documentaries about musicians prompted today’s show. The artists are very different. One, I’m a big, big fan. The other, not a fan at all. I couldn’t give you the title of a single album or song. But I’m happy I watched the documentary. And it was a far better-produced documentary than the one on the artist who I love.

I saw them on the same day, but I watched them in the order of today’s title. The first, a documentary about The Jonas Brothers entitled, Chasing Happiness. The second, a documentary about Adele entitled, Adele – The Only Way Is Up. Both are available on Amazon Prime.

If I gave them a star rating I’d give Chasing Happiness 4.5 stars and I’d give Adele – The Only Way Is Up no more than 3 stars. I’m favorably biased toward Adele and her music. I was unfavorably biased against The Jonas Brothers. This just proves how dangerous it can be to fill in the gaps of our ignorance with our own biases. I don’t mean biases that are the subjective nature of music. We like what we like. Both artists are labeled POP, but I’m not a big fan of POP. Certainly not the bubblegum pop that I associated with The Jonas Brothers.

Can an artist or group truly know why they experience a breakthrough? Both of these artists broke through with reasonable speed. Neither of them languished playing small out of the way venues for years before getting a break. Both of them found fast stardom.

The documentary provided evidence that The Jonas Brothers resonated with all the young girls (their dominate audience, especially early on) because they performed with such happiness. During the documentary, the brothers state that the audience wanted to see them having a good time. At some point during their heyday, they stopped having fun and the success suffered.

By contrast, Adele found an audience that could easily relate to her struggles and pain. Her songs were autobiographical, raw and honest. Anything but happy.

One artist – The Jonas Brothers – representing what we all most want. To be happy. To smile. To laugh. To have a good time.

The other artist – Adele – representing what we all fully understand. Struggle. Pain. Suffering. Heartbreak.

Both amassed tremendous audiences and found enormous success. Both went their own way. One, The Jonas Brothers, sorta lost their way and are now on the road back to doing what they love. They’re currently on a tour, Happiness Begins.

Adele is reportedly working on a 4th studio album due out December 2019.

Two gigantic musical acts who approached their music from completely different viewpoints. And found quick success because people could relate to them, their songs, their persona and their talent. It all matters. So did their timing.

Lately I’ve been focused on how to best make people feel safe. Well, actually it’s been a lifelong fascination with unsafe people. They puzzle me. Always have.

Emotional safety has been a lifelong pursuit. And I do mean pursuit. Both in trying to become increasingly more safe myself and in finding people with whom I can be safe.

No, I’ve not found it very often, but to be fair – I’m cautious and have always limited the number of people in my inner circle. I’m not overly guarded I don’t think, but I may be. It mostly stems from my introversion and the fact that my personality is seriously drained by being around too many people. Sometimes it’s more difficult than at other times.

You’ve heard me say it before – if given the option between two rooms to enter, where I could spend the next 3 hours – one filled with hundreds of interesting people and one filled with just six ordinary people – I’m dashing into the room with 6 people. I can’t fully explain it. It just is what it is. And I don’t judge anybody who would choose the other door. All I know is that I’d rather go narrow and deep than wide and shallow. That’s my best explanation.

Human behavior is among the most curious areas of study for me. I’ve spent my entire life studying it, observing it and predicting it. From the time I began to work in retail (when I was just a kid) to now, I’ve spent countless hours watching, observing, learning and trying to understand why people do what they do.

I’ve watched people in shopping malls, large department stores, small boutique stores and even scoured various retailing areas like Rush Street in Chicago watching how people shop. See what captures their attention. Watching the flow of where they walk and how long they linger looking at a display of products.

In a business context, the focus is clearly on understanding what makes people buy. Influence and persuasion have been major sources of study. Some incorrectly (and inaccurately) confuse manipulation with influence and persuasion. They’re not even 3rd cousins to one another.

Manipulation in the verb form, manipulate means…

to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage

Some suggest we think of manipulation as win-lose. The manipulator wins, the manipulated loses. Whereas persuasion and influence are more win-win. That could be true.

It speaks to safety. Safety is based on intent. Manipulation has poor intentions. It involves acts of persuasion and influence, but the distinction is in dishonest, insincere or ulterior motive intentions.

Influence and persuasion aren’t necessarily ill-intended. As a father, I hoped to influence my teenage children to hang with the right kind of people, avoid making foolish decisions and commit to godly behavior. The intention was to help them develop and lead productive lives. I wasn’t intending to accomplish anything selfish, other than to be proud of my work as their father. Their lives were never my own. They’re my children and like all children, their conduct reflects on me, but the training and instruction were all aimed at helping them live their best life.

Contrast that with an imposing father bent on designing their child’s life. Urging the child to pursue what best serves dad rather than being focused on what may best serve the child. That’s manipulation.

The difference is the intent. The intent drives the behavior.

This is important because it impacts safety. Look at your life and the people who surround you. Now single out the people you absolutely do not trust. The people with whom you feel unsafe.

Not caring what others think of you is touted as a great way to go. I’ve even given such advice and worked harder to live it myself. Not by thinking less of others, but by leveraging my own personal responsibility. By being accountable for myself.

I do care what some people think. I care deeply about how some people feel. It adds to the burden greatly, but it is what it is. I also know how crippling it can be. And often still is. Because the bottom line is – THIS is judgment. Judgment – this kind of judgment – stymies us perhaps more than anything else.

Salespeople fear rejection. #Judgment

Boys fear rejection by the girls. #Judgment

Business owners fear to lose a customer. #Judgment

A startup fears rejection by the big prospective customer. #Judgment

Judgment too often drives us. It’s not even real. It doesn’t matter. So why do we give it so much power?

Because we play it out in our mind. We “scenario plan” it to the Nth degree. The trash in our head says, “Yeah, but what if…?” and we go on to fill in that blank with some of the worst outcomes we can imagine. Never mind that years of such thinking have proven – given us evidence – that the worst outcomes aren’t even likely probable. Some aren’t even possible. Not practically speaking.

All the more reason why the topic of safety is so critical. We need to surround ourselves with safe people who can help us achieve a state where we’re no longer suffering because of our fear of judgment. There may be no remedy more powerful than a select few safe people who can help us figure this out.

Safe people versus Unsafe people. So let’s pick up that thought of the people with whom we feel unsafe. Are you thinking of somebody?

Let me take a guess or two. I’m guessing you trusted them once, but something bad happened. They violated that trust.

Most, if not all, of the people who make us feel unsafe, are people who have betrayed us in some way. Maybe they were abusive. Maybe they lied about us. Maybe they lied to us. Maybe they broke our confidence. I’m guessing they served themselves at our expense because THAT is the common denominator.

Unsafe people are always self-serving. Their ego and pride make them the number one person in their life. They hate it whenever their power or quest to manipulate is threatened. They may fight back with tyranny or something far more subtle. Like lots of passive-aggressive behaviors. But they will fight back.

The people who make us feel unsafe are ill-intended. They do not have our best interest at heart. They care primarily about themselves.

So if you’d like to be a person capable of making others feel safe, first you have to be more concerned with their welfare than your own. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about yourself. It means that in the context of your interaction with them, you want what’s best for them. At that moment, it’s not about you. It’s about them.

Let me illustrate with a fictionalized account of a true story. This one deals with spiritual things, but if you’re not spiritual you’ll be able to make an application.

As a religious person, I don’t want anybody to suffer living a poor quality of life that may result in losing their soul. I know there may be many people who don’t believe in such things. I understand. But I do. So my world-view includes a belief based on the Bible that there is life after this one. Eternal life. And that in eternity God has established two distinctly different outcomes. Salvation or damnation.

My intent is to live a godly life so I can go to Heaven My other intent is to serve others so they can go there, too. I wouldn’t be much of a Christian if I didn’t care where others spent eternity. But I’m empathetic that not everybody sees or understands spiritual things as I see and understand them. We can all make up our own minds and determine how we’ll live. No matter what others may say or do.

First, people must know where I’m coming from – a place of concern for them and their soul. Nothing more. That includes no judgment. God didn’t appoint me judge. He’s got that job. I simply know what His Word says and how He hates the sin but loves the sinner. I’ve got some qualifications to discuss the Bible because I’ve studied it my entire life (so far).

A young man reaches out to me. He’s a teenager. Sexual temptations are very real. He’s surrendered to them and committed fornication. A first for him. He’s forsaken his virtue, something he never thought or planned.

I know, I know. How old fashioned am I? I’m not old fashioned, I just happen to believe the Bible = that sex outside of a man and woman being married is sinful in God’s sight.

This boy is crushed by the guilt of his sin. We meet. We talk it through. He says, “I know it was wrong and I want to make it right with God.”

I can now decide my own intentions. Do I want him to do what I want him to do? Or do I want him to do what we both know (he and I) God wants him to do?

Remember, God is the judge. Not me. So we want him to do what God wants. Period. And we chat about that and set about to help him correct this sin.

Some may call that manipulation. Especially people who feel like religion or spiritual considerations are nothing more than that anyway. But is the Bible manipulation or evidence? You get to decide. I’ve already decided and the more I study it the more decided I am that God is truly God, the Creator and worthy of our obedience. Given the high stakes (eternity) I want to make sure I’m correct. At this moment with this young man, I want that for him, too. He wants that.

This conversation happened for two reasons. One, this young man felt safe with me. Two, this young man knew I’d help him accomplish what was best for him. It was a moment of chasing happiness (his seeking forgiveness) by sharing pain (in this case, his sin).

A spiritual context isn’t necessary to understand these principles.

An employee approaches me requesting a few moments. She asks to speak privately with me. “Of course,” I say. She proceeds to tell me of behavior she’s observed in her boss, my direct report. She has evidence in hand of financial improprieties. She’s guarded to not jump to conclusions, but says she’s brought these to the attention of her boss and been told, “Don’t worry about it.” But she’s clearly worried about it.

I investigate. She’s right. Corrective actions are taken to remedy this situation.

She came to me for two reasons. One, she felt safe with me. She trusted me. Two, she knew I’d take action to help fix the problem. It was a moment of chasing happiness (in this case, eliminating improper behavior) by sharing pain (telling me what she had unearthed).

Remove safety and none of it happens.

People shut down. We all do whenever we’re around unsafe people. We seek every opportunity to steer clear of them. Why? Because they’re not safe for us to be around.

This isn’t some petty fear or preference. It’s a very real, honest feeling that we’d be foolish to leave ourselves open to such people. Besides, we understand they provide us no value whatsoever!

Chasing and sharing, no matter what order you put them in, are major components of all of our lives.

Chasing happiness may be worthwhile, but it’s a terrible full-time pursuit. Mostly because people define it poorly and inaccurately. If you accepted the actual dictionary definition it’d be very worthwhile.

a state of well-being and contentment

Our culture defines it more as a pleasing sensation or a pleasing experience. Euphoria. A constant smile on your face type of thing.

Some define happiness as being able to do what you want when you want. How is that not the most selfish thing possible? How is that not all about you without consideration to others? Besides, it’s so not practical. Nobody has that level of freedom. The most powerful and financially successful people have the least amount of it if that’s how we’re going to define it. Go watch that Jonas Brother’s documentary if you don’t believe me. Schedules are orchestrated almost to the minute with little room for variance or flexibility. Meetings, interviews and other obligations are managed by others. They’re shuttled from place to place often not quite sure where they’re headed. So much for freedom to do what you want when you want.

I’m all in favor of each of us chasing happiness if we’re defining it as well-being and contentment. But that’s hardly the level of excited happiness most are pursuing.

Think about your life. Think about those moments of happiness defined in the current culturally correct way – smile on your face euphoria! They’re moments. Fleeting moments. Yes, they’re great and we love them. But we know our life will return to something more normal. More routine. Happiness like that isn’t routine. That’s why it’s happiness. And why we’re often busy chasing it…

Like a drug addict searching for another high.

The problem is normal time isn’t healthy or helpful. The quest for that happy moment robs us of ordinary, routine contentment. The normal time for the addict is that time in between the highs searching frantically for ways to get high. For the happiness addict, it’s time spent looking for the never-ending accomplishment. Some sense of euphoria or freedom. Life is spent in big chunks of routine and ordinary. How can you find happiness there?

By altering how you define it. By thinking about it differently. More realistically. More thoughtfully. And with greater practicality.

The chasing I propose is practical and accurate.

a state of well-being and contentment

As we apply ourselves with feverish vigor to create Instagram moments worthy of admiration by others, we’re fooling some, but mostly ourselves. It’s not real. It’s fake. An illusion (or worst yet, a delusion) to make us feel somewhat better. Does it work?

Scroll through your daily news feed and you know it’s not. Horror stories abound. Poor souls searching for affirmation and validation but finding only the most shallow approval. No sooner do they get it (assuming they get enough likes or whatever other social currency matters most to them), then they’ve got to go get a new fix. Searching for happiness and finding deeper misery. More guilt. More shame. More knowing it’s not real. Maybe followed by self-loathing.

It’s all a mental health destroyer. Sometimes even a killer. Literally.

The R.E.M. song is accurate. Everybody hurts…sometimes. We just hope to fool others by exuding confidence that we’re not like the others. We’re real. Genuine. Authentic.

What if we (that’d be YOU and me because somebody has to start this thing) decided to chase real happiness. That is, what if we devoted ourselves to a state of well-being and contentment?

What if we sought out people with whom we feel safest? What if we relied on them to help us?

Everything would change. For the better.

What if we decided to rid ourselves, as much as possible, of the people with we feel most unsafe? What if we did our very best to limit our exposure to them?

Everything would change. For the better.

And in that safety – being in the company of those with whom we’re safest – what if we confessed our pain and our goals for greater contentment?

Everything would change. For the better.

Then why don’t we do that?

Why haven’t you done that? Why haven’t I?

Let me take a sidebar here. In the past year, I’ve devoted myself more fully to the effort. It’s a work in progress, but I’m committed.

I’ll share my journey because finding safe people is hard. Really hard.

I began with unsafe people. They’re easy for me to identify. Unsafe people aren’t just those who are opposite of the safe ones.

I created 3 categories.

1. There are those with whom I feel safe.
2. There are those with whom I feel neither safe nor unsafe.
3. And lastly, there are those with whom I feel unsafe.

Unsafe people are people who I refuse to be around any more than necessary. They’ve proven unreliable, dishonest, self-centered and tyrannical. There aren’t many of them, but there are a few. I avoid them because they serve no positive purpose in my life. They don’t make me better. They don’t allow me to help make them better. They’re unsafe in every way so I want nothing to do with them.

People with whom I don’t feel safe aren’t necessarily unsafe. They may be people with whom I don’t have a deep enough relationship to know one way or the other. I’m not judging them as unsafe, I’m only discerning that I lack information or the relationship to properly know, one way or the other. They may one day veer into the realm of safe or unsafe. Time may tell. Or not. They may forever remain among the majority of people in my life. This category easily comprises 90% plus of all the people I know or interact with. They’re neither safe nor unsafe. They’re neutral.

The most valuable and important group of people are those with whom I feel safe. This group is the second largest group for me, but it’s still very limited. Unsafe people are the smallest group, but they’re not problematic because I avoid interaction with them at all costs.

These safe people are the select few with whom I have a deep relationship. I know, through experience and tests of life, that they care about me. They want what’s best for me. It’s reciprocal. I want what’s best for them. We both have a common understanding, trust, and concern for one another.

Truth is, I want what’s best for each of the three categories, but that comes pretty easily for me. Are you familiar with character strengths? Character strengths drive our behavior. It’s not personality. It’s not talent or skills. It’s character.

I’ve taken a character assessment a few times because it can change over time as we grow and develop. My number one character strength at the moment is forgiveness. So when people harbor bitterness, resentment and a failure to forgive — I can struggle to relate or understand. My empathy forces me to give consideration to how they’re feeling, but I am unable to fully relate because forgiveness isn’t very challenging for me.

Before you go pinning a medal on my chest tap the brakes. Forgiveness is also problematic. I struggle mightily with forgiving myself. It requires a Herculian effort and even then I often fail. My strength, like most strengths, can become a weakness in a certain context.

I can forgive others easily. I find it almost impossible to forgive myself.

So it shouldn’t surprise anybody who knows me that I don’t even want the people with whom I feel unsafe to suffer or enjoy misery. I’m pretty consistently wishing they’d alter their viewpoint and behavior because I know it’s not going to turn out well for them. But I want it to turn out best for them. Even if they’re unsafe for me. I figure it’s the best outcome for the world if we’ll all behave ourselves and achieve the best outcome for ourselves.

I’m an INFJ based on the Myers-Briggs Assessment. It stands for Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging. I won’t bog down in the details because I’m no expert, but that judging part (like the others) is critical.

INFJ indicates a person who is energized by time alone (Introverted), who focuses on ideas and concepts rather than facts and details (iNtuitive), who makes decisions based on feelings and values (Feeling) and who prefers to be planned and organized rather than spontaneous and flexible (Judging). INFJs are sometimes referred to as Counselor personalities.

INFJ and all the other personality types aren’t one-size-fits-all. We all vary amongst ourselves. My INFJ may look a bit different than somebody else’s.

Judging, as it’s used in the INFJ, is discerning. It’s been described by some as being a noticer. INFJ’s notice. We see patterns emerge. We make judgments based on our observations.

Remember what I said about watching people and noticing what made people buy? There you go. I’m a noticer and I’ve always been a noticer.

But there’s another judgment that isn’t based on noticing. It’s purely based on self-centeredness. It’s harsh, critical judgment. It’s commonplace with unsafe people. In fact, it’s largely why they’re unsafe.

We know unsafe people are going to be critical, not based on us hurting ourselves, but based on not doing what they think we should do. These people SHOULD everybody in their life. They second guess every decision made by everybody around them. They’re opinionated about everything and they must express it. They refuse to keep it to themselves. It’s important to them that others know their opinions and judgments. How else will they be able to feel or know they’re superior? I mean, what good is superior judgment if you can’t call people out? Sorta defeats the whole point.

I don’t know how to help people care about other people. Some do. Some don’t. I’m attracted to those who do. Those who don’t populate my unsafe list.

It’s possible to only care about people because you benefit in some way. Unsafe people will help you so they can shine. They’ll help you so they can tell you why you’re doing it all wrong. It’s really not about helping you as much as it’s about looking good themselves. Or feeling better about themselves. At your expense.

And there it is. A big component of the unsafe. They do what they do at your expense. Remember what I said about the difference between manipulation and persuasion? There it is again. It’s why intent matters.

Chasing happiness and sharing pain is befitting of the word I’ve recently coupled to encouragement. CRAVING. We all crave encouragement.

What is encouragement? Here’s how I define it…

Expressing belief in somebody

Today’s show is about some components of that. We encourage people when we provide a safe place where they can share their pain and talk about their pursuit of happiness.

It demands tremendous humility, vulnerability, and courage. If you’re the person doing the encouraging, those qualities must be present. If you’re the person being encouraged, those qualities make the encouragement stick.

Remove humility, vulnerability, and courage and you negate safety. Or any chance for it. You destroy encouragement. Instead, you do harm. You damage yourself and those around you.

At best, I observe mere tolerance of unsafe people. And for good reason.

Those people who must put up with it (most often family members) do. The rest, steer clear. Relationships are superficial and shallow because the people exposed to unsafe people have learned to protect themselves. Meanwhile, the unsafe person MAY be oblivious. Highly likely. But they NEVER care because they’re too busy judging and being right. 😉

If social media has proven anything it’s our strong need to share. We’re social creatures. Some more than others, but we all need to share. The scale slides across a very, very broad spectrum from the narcissist who cares only about himself (or herself), sharing their greatness because they’re the focal point of the universe. Or the shyest of us, reticent to share anything with anybody. If the law of averages is in place, and I suspect it is, then most of us fall somewhere in between.

This much is true. We all want to look as good as possible. Putting our best foot forward and all that. Social media has certainly fueled that because at no time in human history have we been able to fake it ’til we make it (or until we don’t) on such a grand scale.

Our digital life isn’t a long term play. It’s not even a journey. It’s a moment. A picture. A 20-second video. It’s a carefully orchestrated high-light reel that we want others to judge us by because we know judgment is happening. It’s our effort to dictate the narrative by crafting the ideal story.

When I was much younger I learned a valuable lesson about human behavior and judgment. An early boss was fixated on internal theft. Being a kid working in retail, I got it. But his obsession seemed over the top, even for my suspicious nature. Then I figured out why he focused so intently on it. He was stealing from his own company. Sneaking inventory out without paperwork. It was the first real example I saw of somebody focused on the very thing he was guilty of. That lesson has repeated itself many, many times.

The point?

Our sharing is exposing us for who and what we really are. Our fixations are revealing things about ourselves. Mine certainly are. I confess I’m being very intentional about it, too.

I’m positively, unapologetically fixated on the ideals I’m pursuing. We’re often displaying things about ourselves that we may not even consciously realize. Some of us do it quite intentionally and consciously. Fact is, that’s the whole point of this podcast. Not to share how I’ve mastered leaning toward wisdom, but to share my journey of figuring out to lean toward wisdom more and more.

We want to share. We need to share.

We also want others to share with us. We need them to trust us enough to do so.

There’s this — I’m not sure what to call it, but it seems quite phenomenal to me, so I’ll call it a phenomenon. Some share their chase (or having caught) happiness. High-light reel stuff for many. Quite real for others because there are plenty of people who have more money than they’ll ever spend. Sir Richard Branson can share pictures of him and his family or friends frolicking on Necker Island. He ain’t fakin’ it.

Some share their pain. The spectrum is broad on both counts.

Here in America happiness is mostly equated with money and financial wealth. We can’t imagine Sir Richard Branson, Bill Gates or Warren Buffet ever being unhappy, but they are. Perhaps more than we’ll ever know. I don’t have any way to know. I only know they’re human. They suffer. They experience sorrow, disappointment and all the other things that we do. I also know they face challenges most of us will never understand. All the fretfulness and worry that goes with protecting such enormous assets. All the angst that must accompany the insane expectations of those close to you, including children and family. If you’re worth billions how to do you refuse to buy a $100,000 BWM for your 16-year-old who knows it’s such a small thing for you? I’m happy I didn’t have that problem. 😉

Let’s think for a moment about another behavior. Mercy.

Here’s the definition…

compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm

People are unsafe because they have the ability to hurt us. The hurt might be minimal, but it’s hurt nonetheless. They may be able to cause us great injury. They lack mercy.

We all have the opportunity and power to hurt each other. At least in the context that I’m using the term, “mercy.” Which means we all have the opportunity and power to offer mercy. Sadly, unsafe people are bent on refusing it. And mostly because they can. It may make them feel powerful and superior, which is largely the point of it all.

Feeling better about themselves at the expense of others! It’s what being unsafe is all about.

Let’s drill down a bit more on the unsafe people, the people with whom we absolutely know we should refrain from sharing anything. They’re unable to empathize. Or unwilling. They simply will not put in the effort to understand others.

I’m happy to give due consideration to the possibility that some may not know how. I’m also happy to consider they may not desire to learn. Those who want to, likely can. And do. It’s a magnificent achievement if an unsafe person puts in the work to become safe. The entire world benefits. I’m only supposing this is true though because I’ve never seen it. I imagine somebody somewhere has pulled it off though.

Unsafe people believe they are the arbiters of right, wisdom, and brilliance. If they don’t judge the world, who will? Somebody must do it and they’re glad they’ve been given a special measure of full-knowledge enabling them to render justice and truth to the rest of us.

Nevermind context. It doesn’t matter. Nevermind your situation or circumstances. Those don’t count. As for mercy, it’s not even in their vocabulary because nobody is deserving (which is kind of the point of mercy, you know?).

You need to chase happiness. Well-being and contentment.

You need to share your pain.

You need safe people with whom to do so.

So we’ve come full circle and now it’s time to look in the mirror more intently.

Are YOU safe? And I mean in both the receiving and giving context.

Do people lean on you? Do they confide in you?

If so, great. Keep doing the great work you’re able to do. You’re filling a need that is desperate.

If you’re not safe, the big question is, “Do you care? Do you want to do something to correct it?” If so, then that’s great news for all of us. We need many more safe people.

The bad news is I’m not the person to tell you how to go about it because I don’t know how to teach it. I just know how to do it. Somebody smarter than me will have to help, but I’m sure Google can point you in a helpful direction.

Are you safe in your own sharing of your pursuits and your pains?

My goal is to shine a bit of light on the reality of why people lean on certain people and not others. And to encourage you to get busy finding safe people with whom you can share your pursuits and pain. It’s about finding safe people. It’s also about you feeling safe. So that question, “Are you safe?” rubs both ways. Give and take.

Don’t confuse safety with comfort. Growth most often happens during times of discomfort. Sometimes enormous discomfort. But the discomfort grows into a new level of comfort. Growth involves the unknown. It’s the movement from the unknown to the known and back toward new unknowns. Rinse and repeat.

Don’t be complacent. Don’t stop chasing. Don’t stop sharing. You need people willing and able to help you. People willing to be safe for you. You need to be that safe person for somebody, too. It’s a reciprocal cycle that makes the world brighter.

Safety is as simple as ABC – Always Be Careful.

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”       ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Richelle E. Goodrich wrote this in her book, Smile Anyway: Quotes, Verse, & Grumblings for Every Day of the Year…

“I’m starting to think this world is just a place for us to learn that we need each other more than we want to admit.”

I think she’s right. We do need each other more than we sometimes want to admit. We just need to be safe for each other so we can grow and lean more toward wisdom. Together.

Randy

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Project #CravingEncouragement Update

I’m just $80 away from the goal. Thanks to everybody who has made a financial contribution.

I’m still mostly wanting your stories of a time when somebody encouraged you in a meaningful way. You’ve seen and heard a theme in the recent shows because encouragement is an expression of belief. So I’m collecting stories of those expressions that others made in you. Why? Because it’s so rare yet so commonly craved by 100% of us.

It speaks to perhaps an even greater tragedy – loneliness. People craving encouragement – that’s all of us – likely also crave connection. Sometimes it eludes us. Sometimes we don’t know how to foster it, attract it or even reciprocate it. The human condition is often helped by other humans. There’s the irony of loneliness. And craving encouragement.

Do you want to participate? It doesn’t require any money.

Go to the Support This Podcast tab in the menu to learn more.

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Let’s pick up where we left off last week thinking about our imagination instead of our past. But first, a word about thanksgiving.

Grace and gratitude.

A few weeks ago a social media guru released a statement.

Don’t let your friends change your mind.

People quickly came to shout, “Hooray!” Okay, they didn’t shout that, but there was loud approval.

Like many memes and quips I thought about it and instantly thought, “Well, it depends on your present state of mind.”

If your friend were suicidal I’d hope you’d try to change their mind.

If your friend was tempted to cheat on her spouse I’d hope you’d try to change her mind.

If your friend was intoxicated and about to get behind the wheel of his car I’d hope you’d try to change his mind.

If you’re in a funk do you not want your friends to try to help you out of it?

If you’re discouraged don’t you want your friends attempting to encourage you?

Things that sound smart, but are really stupid.

We’re surrounded by meme-based wisdom.

“Don’t overthink it.”

“Stop and think about it.”

Question: How can you think just right?

That’s part of the power of being thankful. It’s always appropriate. It’s always right. It never fails. You can’t say that about too many things. I mean to even use dramatic terms like “always” and “never” is remarkable. But it applies to being thankful.

It’s ironic to me that the things we associate with grace – at least the things I associate with grace – fit that bill more than anything else I know. Yet, we’re so reluctant to practice them.

Seems that if something was ALWAYS beneficial to us, and something that would NEVER fail us — that we’d lean in as heavily into that as possible. Instead, we shy away from it or worse. We steadfastly declare we won’t do it.

Grace things.

Like being thankful.

Like forgiveness.

Like compassion.

Find a time or place where their practice won’t help you. You can’t. Which is why grace is so foundational to leaning toward wisdom. The benefits are just too vast and deep to ignore.

I know the secrets. At least 3 of them.

Stop thinking about what you don’t have and think about what you do have.

Stop thinking about your lack and think about your abundance.

Stop thinking you’re a victim and instead see yourself as blessed.

But the key is – you have to want to do this. Until you want to live with grace you’ll never be able to. The second you decide you want to, you can. Instant power!

This is the beginning of spending more time in the place where you want to be. And we’re assuming that where you want to be is good for both you and those who love you. That’s not always the case.

Some people want what they want and if they hurt themselves and harm others – well, what’s that to you? Those people are the biggest fools. Selfishness, lack of temperance (self-control) and lives filled with destructive behaviors aimed at sin, self and immorality are wasted lives. They contribute nothing to themselves or the world. Instead, they wreck whatever is in their path contributing to the collective foolishness the rest of us are battling hard to conquer. In one fell swoop, they’re the enemy undoing all the good the rest of us may be attempting to establish. Yet they feel like the oppressed. Too stupid to know they’re the oppressors. But they see it how they see it and until events open their eyes, they’ll continue to be blinded by their own delusions fueled by their pride and ego.

We’ll never lack for them. They surround us. All the more reason for us to embrace the truths that can help us wage this battle – this war – against our own human foolishness. Because that’s what’s going to destroy us individually. And collectively. Our own foolishness.

All the more reason to rise early each morning dedicated to doing just one thing – conquer our own foolishness. Just today. Then we’ll get up and do it again tomorrow. And along the way, we’ll try to help somebody else conquer theirs. It’s not the least we can do. It’s the most we can do.

It begins with me. Stopping long enough to not think about what the world owes me. Or what injustices I’ve endured. But cataloging all the blessings placed under by stewardship.

It begins with me asking myself, “Am I a good, faithful steward?”

And it requires an honest, thoughtful answer. The Truth.

Grace is challenged – and all its components like gratitude, forgiveness, and compassion – by comparing ourselves to others. Fact is, others have zero impact or influence on our practice of grace. Except of course, we give them permission to control it on our behalf.

I might be more grateful except I see others who have it better than me. How can I be gracious when I see Instagram posts of people having fun, traveling to beautiful places and enjoying a life foreign to mine? My life sucks by comparison. So my lack of gratitude isn’t my fault. It’s their fault.

Never mind that intellectually I know there are millions of people who suffer present conditions far worse than mine. I don’t think of them. I don’t think of the people whose feet will never walk on hardwood, tiled or carpeted floors. People who will live their entire lives not knowing what it is to walk mere feet inside their house and turn on a faucet to have clean water. People who will live their entire lives not knowing what it is to live in a country ruled by peace. Forget about those people. Because I do.

Instead, I’m taking aim at those living better than me. Bigger, nicer houses. Newer, nicer cars. Trips. Eating at restaurants I can’t afford. Buying things I’ll never afford. Doing cool things I’ll never be able to do. Those people are the reason for my lack of grace. It’s not my fault.

Is this really where you’d like to spend your time? At this place? This is beneficial?

Why don’t we conscientiously figure out how to spend more time in better places?

I suspect it’s largely because we don’t know how. But mostly, I suspect it’s because accepting blame and responsibility for our lives is so painful. But only because we’re focused on the pain. Not the power.

Focus on the power. Not the pain. 

This seems huge to me and I’m fascinated why we don’t see it more clearly. I’m really fascinated at the many times I don’t see it myself more clearly because I’m just like you – prone to my own foolishness.

When we look deeply enough inside ourselves and face our pain we feel the need to protect ourselves from it. That’s best done – so we foolishly think – in seeing others as the source of that pain. So we must protect ourselves from THEM. After all, they did this to us.

All along the way our power is diminished. Until it’s gone completely. And we’re left as roadkill on life’s highway. Powerless to do anything about it because the universe is so much bigger than us. No way we’ll ever win.

When the reality is the pain is mostly our fault. And if it’s not our fault, it’s 100% our responsibility. And there’s no need to protect ourselves from things beyond our control because we have plenty of work to do to protect ourselves from our own foolishness – best done by embracing goodness and committing ourselves to our own learning, understand and growth. In short, to become the best human beings we can!

That’s the path forward.

But that’s a lot of work. Much more work than blaming others. Never mind that it’s productive and profitable. FOR US!

That’s why we don’t do it. It’s too hard. We think.

Maybe.

Or maybe we just don’t know how because the collective culture is always working against us. Collective wisdom ain’t so wise. Never has been. Mob rule is a thing. And it’s never smart, wise, thoughtful or considerate. It’s herd mentality and it never fails to be colossally stupid, foolish and destructive. And mostly impulsive.

So Nike comes out with some sneaker that has Betsy Ross’ American flag on the heel. And Colin Kaepernick jumps on it as racist. And “thar she blows!” Social media ninnies from around the globe jump on it. Poor Betsy Ross. Poor Colin Kaepernick. Poor America. Poor us. All of us for being surrounded by such nonsense! But we always have been, always will be. Because the ninnies always have the numbers.

Which is an opportunity for us. You and me. An enormous opportunity!

To escape the herd of ninnies driven by impulses not their own, driven to remain victims of Nike and every other company on the planet, driven to remain victims of a society that just won’t give them everything they want and feel entitled to…so much tyranny from which to escape. And plenty of time to do it because we can do it in an instant. A flash. One blinding moment of clarity where we determine to stop being victimized and simultaneously a moment where we accept responsibility for our own lives. Our own outcomes.

Because I don’t care what Colin Kaepernick thinks.

And I don’t care what Twitter says.

And because I don’t care what new shoes or watch you just bought.

Because it doesn’t affect me. Unless I let it. And I see no value in letting it.

Except I’m thankful to live in a country where Colin can say what he wants. I hate that people like him can rally herds of ninnies and contribute to the collective lunacy, but when you express gratitude to live in America – that’s what you embrace. People’s ability and choice to be the ninnies they would be. So I salute Colin’s Ninnie Army and all like them who choose to let others dictate their path and their life’s outcome.

I just don’t choose to follow. It’s not where I want to spend my time. It’s not the place where I want my present or future to reside. So I choose something else. Something over which I have control.

I’m thankful to be an American. I’ve never had to protect myself or my family from foreign invaders. Or from fellow countrymen. I’ve only heard bombs and the machinations of warfare on TV and in films.

I’ve never had to walk miles to fetch clean water for my family. Or had to devote myself to hours a day wondering how to feed them. Or how to find suitable sleeping quarters for the night.

I don’t know such a life. I’m sad for those whose lives are defined in such ways. But I’m thankful mine is not. Not in some “I’m better than you” kind of gratitude, but in amazement wondering why I’m so blessed while others aren’t? Some things you accept and leverage for the best of yourself and those around you. I accept such things about my life and give God thanks.

I did nothing to deserve it. But I’m responsible for what I do with it. I’m a steward. So are you.

“Why me?” isn’t a worthwhile question. Largely because there is no answer. And if there were, how could it possibly help us make a positive mark on the world?

Our lives are resources. Not the stuff. Or the circumstances. Resources comprised of our experiences, our thoughts, our actions, our choices, our words, our willingness to help others, our behaviors. Which of those do you want to declare don’t belong to you? Experiences? Really? You have no influence on what you experience? Think more deeply because those resources are within your power to deploy however you see fit.

There’s the power. You can look at it intently, staring it down like you might a buddy in a “no blink” contest. Or you can surrender all of your power opting to hug it out with Pain.

I’m not saying we can avoid all pain, suffering and heartache. I’m saying we can eliminate much of it, reduce a lot of it and better manage some of it by owning our lives. All of it.

The magic of the Ideal is that you never arrive. The Land Of Your Ideal is always ahead. Somewhere. Near or far. But the daily striving is what promotes lives better today than yesterday. If only marginally. Still better.

Small erosion over time reveals itself in mountains and streams.

Small investments over time reveal the power of compounding interest.

Small movements over time reveal the power of mastering music. Or art. Or communication. Or most anything else.

“Inch by inch it’s all a cinch.” And if not a cinch, then at least a higher probability. Guarantees of nothing more perhaps than that we can make today better. And tomorrow better still. And that’s a pretty powerful guarantee.

Time spent where we want to be versus time spent where we are. Or where we’ve been. That’s why we began this conversation last week. So much focus on the past. Worthless. Because we’re powerless to do anything about it other than learn from it. But we don’t often leverage it for that positive purpose. Instead, we opt to embrace regret and blame. Neither of which serve us with much more than resentment and bitterness.

I’ve looked but been unable to find anybody – or any group of somebodies – who cranked out a good life by incorporating more resentment and bitterness into their lives. Rather I’ve seen lots of people – enough to prove to me that it’s empirical evidence. Resentment and bitterness don’t pay. They cost. Enormously!

To what are you attached?

It’s one way you can look more deeply inside yourself and see yourself accurately. Soul searching. Looking more closely inside yourself reveals answers to many questions. Most notably, “Why?”

Lots of people wake up and go to bed daily questioning, “Why?” Why am I doing this? Why is this happening to me?

But they have no true answers. Only excuses.

Until they discover their attachments. Which could be anything.

Addiction. Abuse. Ego. Narcissism. Status. Stuff.

Your attachments help define your identity.

I know lots of business people who are very attached to their status symbols. Their cars. Their suits. Their houses. Their office. Their trips and vacations. Their dinner reservations. Their stuff.

Their prestige is locked inside these things. Deeply.

Remove them – it often happens due to the cycles of life that affect us all – or remove some of them, and you’ll see people struggle because they no longer know who they are. They thought they were one thing, but now they don’t know.

What’s important to you? What’s so important that it helps define you because you choose that?

You choose it. Every day.

We’re all attached to something. Or someone.

We get to decide what’s important. Default can be our setting. It probably is for most people. The precious few – the supreme achievers among us – create a more intentional, determined course. Some of us are working toward it. Trying to escape the gravitational pull of mediocrity and foolishness.

Making choices about our attachments is a daily grind. It can be disrupted instantly. Momentarily. And that can become our new norm if we allow it.

The guy who longs for a 7 series BMW finally gets one. But he’s been attached to such things the moment he decided to long for it. When he gets it, it’s not enough. And it won’t remain new, current and cool forever. Next year a newer model will replace it. His attachment will continue down the spiral toward more. And more. And more. But his soul will never be satisfied because the attachments are – at their core – quite insubstantial. Shallow.

But it can affect any of us. Shame. Embarrassment. Not measuring up to others. Again, because we’re busy comparing ourselves to others and it either makes us feel better about ourselves or worse about ourselves. Not because of us. But because of THEM.

The Power Of THEM

The proverbial “they” know everything. And often determine everything.

Mostly they distract us from ourselves. Prevent us from searching deeply enough to stare down our fears, doubts and insecurities.

Time with ourselves is power. And pain. Focus on the power knowing the pain is real.

Spending more time in the place where you want to be requires our willingness to spend more time in the place where we need to be. No matter how uncomfortable. No matter how painful. Because that’s where the power is – at least the power we possess to change our own lives.

Fear drives too many of us.

Mostly fear of what others say. How they’ll judge us. What they’ll think of us.

Because we really care what people think of us.

It’s scary. Because we mostly don’t care about these people, but we put big power in what they think of us.

It’s scary. Because we mostly can’t control what they think of us anyway because negative people – which is by and large the defining trait of most people – are going to judge. And harshly. Much of the time.

THEY don’t matter. Because your life isn’t their life.

Conquering your life is the game. Not conquering the life of somebody else. Not allowing others to conquer your life for you.

More time in the place where you want to be means you’re not there. Yet.

Great leaders see the future first.

Truth.

Are you a great leader of your life? The proof is found first in what and how you think, and then in what you do about it.

We love the comfort of excuses. Our brain craves it, seeks it and searches for it.

I know I do.

I don’t want to grind. I don’t want to sweat. I’d rather lounge. Do nothing.

But the problem is what it produces. Nothing.

Fancy and soft don’t work. In spite of our high cravings for them both.

The past is soft because it’s over. There’s nothing to do but dwell on it. So we do.

Imagination is hard. Discipline is, too.

Simplicity is hard. Complexity, not so much.

Conquering yourself is THE chore. Which is why these conversations are critical. Because they don’t require anybody else. The proverbial “they” don’t matter. Except to shut them out. So we can get to work figuring these things out for ourselves.

Where are you right now?

Your present doesn’t have to be awful. Fact is, it may be quite wonderful. It doesn’t matter. Whatever your reality is right now – that’s what matters.

Face it.

For what it truly is.

Does it really matter how you got here? Maybe. But not likely as much as we think. Because it fosters excuse making. And blaming. Instead of provoking us to examine the truth of how we got here…which could be highly valuable. An autopsy designed to show us what really happened. All so we can learn from it and understand it better so we can avoid replicating it. Growth.

I screwed up. I got it wrong.

I didn’t apply myself. I was lazy. Some things came easily. Until they stopped coming easily. College kicked my butt because I didn’t do the work. I hated it. Every lousy bit of it.

Until I entered the College of Journalism where my identity felt congruent with what I cared about. And everything changed. At least college-wise. I excelled. Because I loved it.

I was an introvert expected to behave like an extrovert. So I played the role. Until it exhausted me.

The depths of the struggle were real. They are real.

Fast forward to about a decade ago. My career isn’t over, but it has drastically changed. A failed attempt to purchase the company I was running left me fractured, if not broken. It was time to reinvent myself but I had no idea how. I did all I knew to do – dive inward.

The search inside was intuitive to me. I’ve lived long enough to know it’s not intuitive for everybody.

The chore has been longer, more arduous and fraught with more failure than I ever imagined. I didn’t think it’d last this long. I didn’t think more failure and sorrow would pile up. I now know I thought I was about as down as I’d ever get. Boy was I wrong!

That’s the thing about down. Or the bottom. There’s no welcome sign.

All the attachments that proved vain had to be faced. Identities that once seemed important proved empty. Life was flipped upside down at an age when most folks are thinking of winding down. I was having to find a way to wind it up.

The good news is, I wanted to wind it up. I didn’t want to wind it down. Admittedly, I was hoping to wind it up to a new height rather than to start over. But starting over is what was demanded. I had no options if I wanted to move forward. And I did want to move forward. But only after I overcame wanting to retreat and surrender.

It always takes longer than you think. Or hope.

When you’re older, like I was (and obviously still am), it’s very hard. It has been for me. Self-discovery is like history to the older. There are more years of debris to remove so you can find the Truth.

And I had a lifetime of inner strength – part of my DNA – to be reflective. Self-introspection came easily, naturally. Along the way, I discovered that forgiveness is one of my 2 character strengths. It’s always been easy to forgive. To ask for forgiveness. Equally difficult – almost impossible – to forgive me. I had no idea how powerful that opponent would be, but it kicked me, put me in a choke hold and refused to accept my tap out. I had to fight because my lack of self-forgiveness was going to kill me. I had to learn to fight.

I haven’t won it, but I’ve turned the tide more to my favor. It took a long, long time. Largely because life threw other haymakers at me that I wasn’t planning on. It happens.

I knew who I was. That was the mainstay.

I knew what I was.

The struggle was figuring out who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. Visualization and imagination come easily. Always have. Getting them focused so they could best serve me…that’s not been easy.

Imagine. 

It’s a verb. One I’ve relied on. One you need to rely on.

First, figure out where you want to be. You’ve thought about it. Not likely been courageous enough to head in that direction though. So commit to the destination. Nevermind that you’re not sure how you’ll get there. Nevermind that family and friends don’t think it’s possible for you. Nevermind that you’re alone in believing in yourself.

Does it really matter? Nope.

Only because you let it.

Your family and friends aren’t the calvary come to save you. Frequently they’re the bigger enemy telling you you’ll never be able to get where you want to go. It’s okay. They mean well. They’re just like the others who haven’t been able to do it so understand their lack of faith. It’s self-imposed and now they’re just doing what they know to do – apply it to your life. But they’re not you.

You can be a better human being. You can be a bigger human being. There is an ideal to which you can grow closer. It’s up to you.

Get really clear on where you want to be. Be detailed. Be precise. Write it out. Record it. Do whatever it takes to make the visual more complete. The imagery matters. You need to see it, touch it, feel it, taste it and experience it – in your imagination. First.

Now, go there. Like any other trip, set out. Start. It’s not important how long it takes you to get there – in your imagination. What matters is that you get there.

Stay there.

Don’t make it a quick trip. Make it an extended stay.

Because the longer you stay there in your imagination the faster you’ll arrive in reality. It’s not a bad plan to get there as fast as possible then stay there with no intention of leaving unless you discover some better place you’d like to go.

And you will. Over time there’ll be a new improved destination. But the habits and things you figured out to get to the last one will serve to make you more efficient at getting to the new ones. It’ll happen more easily. More quickly.

Along the way, you’ll become better – even good – with being uncomfortable. The suffering will spur you on to go further than you thought you could. The pain that once crippled you will seem inconsequential. In its place, new pain will emerge. Pain that will remind you how powerful you are to discover new strengths, new abilities, and new resolve.

If you’re super blessed, a few folks will serve to encourage you along the way. Most won’t. Often times those closest to you will believe the least. It’s okay. Don’t judge them for it. Ignore them for it.

They’re not driving your life. You are. Drive it to where you most want (and need) to go. Stop waiting.

Randy

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She is Molly Tuttle and her newest record is When You’re Ready. On it there’s a song, “Make My Mind Up.” Prior to this album, she was very bluegrass-ey. She’s a talented guitarist and singer. And songwriter. This song formed a bit of an earworm when I first heard it. Click play on the YouTube video of it and you’re liable to not get it out of your head for a while.

As usual a lyric got my mind going. Rolling it over and over. “If I could ever make my mind up…”

You know I’ve been fascinated over the last few years about our brains. Particularly, how we change our minds. How we change our thinking. All that neuro-science voodoo that I’m struggling to understand.

It’s hard to beat a guy when he’s got his mind made up that he’s going to win.          – Muhammad Ali

We consider it a quality of high character when a person has made up their mind. It denotes determination. Being settled. And that’s good.

Well, it can be. But it can also be dangerous when a mind is made up about something that’s wrong, untrue, destructive or damaging.

I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.                     – Rosa Parks

A made up mind can be powerfully positive, helping us advance toward honest, desirable goals that benefit us and others.

A mind made up can also be powerfully destructive, preventing us from listening, understanding and growing beyond some prejudiced assumption. Or preventing us from realizing the harm we’re bringing to ourselves and others.

On one hand, it can appear equal to tenacity, stick-to-it-iveness. Or it can appear to be self-serving stubbornness. And it’s possible for it to be either of those. Or many other shades of gray on the scale of good for us versus bad for us. We’ll call it the foolish versus wisdom scale given the title of this podcast.

It’s not just possible, but probable that sometimes our minds are made up toward foolishness. It’s not likely we see it that way, but maybe we’re not seeing it for what it is.

A scripture leaps to mind.

Ephesians 1:17-19 “that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power…” New King James Version (NKJV)

All human beings have experienced having our understanding enlightened. The little kid who learns something for the first time. The teenager who learns to drive. The aspiring musician who learns to play an instrument. The first year attorney who learns to navigate the court systems. The first year chemist who learns how to operate in a commercial lab. Our lives are filled with firsts that serve to enlighten our understanding.

At my work-related podcast – Grow Great – I regularly use the acronym LUG. It stands for Learning, Understanding, Growing. It’s what I hope to inspire in every business person who listens to that podcast. I’m aspiring to do it. Not really difficult for a person who needs to learn as much I know I need to. 😉

Business people fixate sometimes on their blind spots, fretful about what they don’t know, or what they can’t see. Sadly, too few do much about it other than worry. I wish it was restricted to just business people, but it’s not. I suspect most of us roam the planet with self-imposed blinders on making sure we see things the way we prefer to see them. Nevermind that we may have it wrong. Or that other facts may enlighten our understanding. Some of us don’t want to be enlightened. We enjoy (even embrace) our biases.

A closed mind can serve as protection I suppose. Or a roadblock. Depending on how you look at it. When it’s our mind, it’s protection. Or wisdom. When it’s somebody else’s, it’s a roadblock. Foolishness.

Self-deception is such a killer!

A husband exhorts his wife, “Will you make up your mind?”

A wife chastizes her husband, “Just make up your mind already!”

We want decisive. Until it’s a decision that conflicts with our judgment. Or our opinion. Or our assumptions. Then, we’d prefer you to change your mind. Right away.

Self-awareness is such a gift. A blessing. A reward for the deep inner searching demanded in order to obtain it.

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Late stage epiphany. That’s what it is.

The lateness is life. My life. Not that it’s too late. It’s just later than it’s ever been. Later perhaps than it should’ve been. But it is what it is.

The stage is also my life. This moment in time. This phase of my life.

Epiphany – it’s what I’m always in search of. I don’t often find one, but even a blind pig…every now and again. Thankfully I’ve had a few along the way. One of the very biggest happened on July 2, 1975. I was 18. She was, too. It was our first date and we’ve been together ever since. Who says teenagers can’t make wise choices? Or have an epiphany? But I was always wise for my age. Now my age has caught up to my wisdom. So there’s that.

I’ve not had many epiphanies since, but when you have one big life-changing one, then waiting a while for the next — well, it’s okay. And I’m patient.

For the past 3 years or so I’ve been immersing myself in books and articles about neuroscience. Mostly, I’m interested in how we can improve our thinking. But along the way I’ve become increasingly interested in how our wiring can be impacted – positively and negatively. Substances can play a major role – drugs (legal or otherwise) and alcohol. BIG PLAYERS! Because opioids have affected people I love I’ve become deeply curious about their impact. It’s beyond startling to me and I only have a very shallow understanding of it. But what I do know scares me a lot. Brain chemistry is a real thing and can be quite fragile, especially when subjected to external influences that should likely be more severely restricted (somehow).

People being people – we want to get away from pain and sadly, too many of us find that relief through drugs, alcohol and bad behavior (temporary fixes for problems we too often refuse to successfully address). I see the cycle afflict people. Behave foolishly and selfishly. Feel good in the moment. Then guilt and shame sets in sparking even more foolish and selfish behavior…all to chase some moment of not feeling awful about oneself. At some point the emptiness becomes real and the miserable human being knows nothing but an ongoing commitment to their own misery. Besides, it’s not their fault. Their family did it to them. Their friends. The world. Everybody and everything is to blame, but not them. So it goes when one loses their mind to wasting their life. I’m interested in how to prevent that and how to help it. Mostly, I’m interested in how we can lose our mind – whatever thinking is hindering our growth, improvement, and progress – and embrace new thinking so we can achieve more and improve our life. It’s about figuring out how we can more closely achieve our ideal self.

The past haunts us. All of us.

And it doesn’t have to be dreadful. Or excruciatingly painful. It can be quite ordinary. Ordinary lives are filled with pain, suffering, and heartache. Enough pain to haunt us all of our lives. If we let it.

Two choices present themselves. To all of us. Every single day. Every hour. Every minute.

We can embrace the past, accepting it as the very definition of who and what we are. All the scars can become our identity. A past we refuse to outrun.

Yes, it requires our permission, but that’s a tad too simple. Have you ever subscribed to something that has auto-renewal built into it? If you don’t remember to cancel it, they ding your credit card again. That’s how this permission works. It’s subtle. Deceptive even.

This choice centers on seeing ourselves as victims of our past. Whatever has happened to us is beyond our control. We were put upon by somebody or something. And it created an outcome we neither choose or desired. Now we’re stuck with the experience.

And it will most certainly impact our future because whatever visions we have of ourselves are based on our past. Our future story is going to be the same or similar to our past story. Once a victim, always a victim.

The other choice we could make – the more difficult one for many – is to see our past as temporary. Something or many somethings that happened to us, perhaps beyond our control, but it was temporary. That was then, this is now.

These 2 choices boil down to pessimism versus optimism. A fatalistic view of our past where we think the universe has conspired against us will work with extraordinary precision to have us create a future that’s congruent with that past. Losing becomes a habit.

A more temporary view of problems and setbacks – “it happens to everybody” – fosters resilience to see past the adversity to who we truly believe ourselves to be, a person fully capable of overcoming it. Perhaps we contributed to it, perhaps not. No matter. Live and learn. Figure out a way to leverage it to success. Or greater success.

These are learned. I don’t dispute that we’re all likely wired more toward one view or the other, but I rather think our early years have a major impact. Children learning to walk don’t fall down and assume that’s their permanent outcome. “Why can’t I walk? All the other little kids are able to.” Said no prospective toddler ever!

Falling is part of the process of learning how to get it right. They’re too young to know differently. We’re too old and too smart to know they’re idiots. 😉

We’ve learned too much. Outsmarted ourselves into victimization. Learned that those past experiences are destined to become our future, too. Why not? Look at the present. There’s no way our future is going to be any different.

What if we’re wrong?

What if our past has only the power we give it?

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Last Sunday on CBS’ 60 Minutes there were three stories. The first featured a Mississippi attorney, Mike Moore, who beat big tobacco in a class action lawsuit decades ago. Today, he’s taking aim at the opioid epidemic including the manufacturers and the distributors responsible for what he calls the big “pill spill” in America. The second story was about Ben Ferencz, the 97-year-old who helped prosecute the Nazi war crimes in the famous trials of Nuremberg. The 3rd story was about wildlife photographer extraordinaire Thomas D. Mangelsen.

Three very different people. A class-action attorney. An international war crimes attorney. A wildlife photographer.

Three different passions. A man seeking to hold companies and people accountable for putting profits before people. A man seeking peace over war. A man seeking to chronicle, document and protect wildlife.

The youngest of them was 67. The oldest was pushing 100.

These men had devoted their lives to their cause pursuing these passions since they were young. None were taking aim at building personal wealth. All were still hotly chasing the thing they had been chasing most of their careers. As Mr. Ferencz said about his old personal passion and empathy about the people killed during the Holocaust, “I’m still churning.” It seems to me all three of these men are still churning.

The interesting thing is all of these very mature men are daily pursuing still. They’re proud of the accomplishments of the past, but each of them is moving forward attempting to daily conquer new challenges. The past is an important chapter – or chapters! But that was then, this is now. And they’re looking at the future.

Each man is accomplished. It’d be easy to sit back and say, “Look at what I’ve done.” I know we often focus on past failures and let that define our future failures. But it could work with success, too. Complacency would be easy for each of these guys. But they’re not dwelling on the past.

Question: If high achievers like these guys don’t use the past to define their present or future, then why should you? Especially if you’re thinking of past failures. If past success isn’t worth dwelling on too much, then should we dwell on past failures?

None of these men believed their past was permanent. While the stories focused on their successful accomplishments, I surmise none of them thought their past failures were permanent either.

Proof that the journey is the thing. The process matters.

We’re all writing books. The chapters matter, but they’re not the whole story. Past chapters brought us to where we are, but honestly – that’s what they are. Contributors to bring us to the present. Foundations to build whatever present and future we want.

When you live in a pro sports town like Dallas you’re exposed to constant media about the athletes in your town playing for the hometown teams and those players who oppose them. When big-name players retire you see and hear the emotion of reasonably young people (most are under 40) who now have to leave a sport they’ve played since they were little kids. Quite a few struggle to write new chapters to follow that. It’s understandable. Because their whole identity is wrapped up in being that athlete. If we had conversation bubbles above our heads like comic book characters theirs would say, “Now what?” They struggle to find and create a new identity. Those who go on to continue high achievement don’t let the past define their future. Many who struggle find themselves unable to outlive their past. It’s the peak of their life that they’ll never replicate. Or fear they’ll never replicate. And most are still in their 30s.

In the early 80s I read a story about Buzz Aldrin, one of the first astronauts to walk on the moon. He struggled with clinical depression and alcoholism afterward. Some speculated that Aldrin had always wanted to be an astronaut and making it to the moon was such a pinnacle…perhaps he struggled with, “Now what?” I don’t know, but I do know such a fantastic accomplish could derail any of us if we based our future on our past instead of our imagination. Aldrin’s imagination fueled his arrival to the moon. Just like it has fueled every child’s imagination to one day play their favorite sport professionally.

Futures are too often determined – or limited – by the past.

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One decision.

Not to put pressure on ourselves, but to understand how powerful we can be. How we can impact our destiny. How our choices determine our outcomes.

Today it’s about just one decision. One very difficult, but helpful decision.

To not let the past – no matter how atrocious or terrific it’s been – define your future.

To instead embrace your imagination to define it.

Well, would that it were that easy. It’s not. It could be. But it’s not. If it were we’d all do it.

There’s a reason we don’t. Because we don’t believe it.

Our past has crippled our understanding. It has painted us in a corner. More accurately, we’ve put ourselves in the corner and surrounded ourselves by our past. Now we’re using it as a pattern – a template – for the present and future chapters of our life.

I own a piece of software for writers called Scrivener. Like other word processing software, including Word, it has a gallery. One for fiction, others for non-fiction, screenplays and so forth. These templates provide a pattern to follow for whatever the user may be writing. It’s designed to make it easier to craft that particular style of writing.

Our brains work like that. Well, they can. It can serve us. Things like pattern recognition help us see things more clearly. And understand them more deeply.

Simultaneously they can stick us causing us to reject other viewpoints. Or blinding us to notice things outside the known template. When I’m using the fiction template for Scrivener I’m not even able to see the non-fiction template. That’s the benefit (or downside). It can keep you focused. By limiting options.

It’s super effective. That limiting power is what can hinder our efforts to create a more positive future.

Instead, what we should do is limit the power of our past instead of allowing our past to limit us.

This is why it’s difficult for people to make quantum leaps. It’s just too easy for us to get stuck where we are. Or where we’ve been. It’s familiar. Perhaps habitual. Maybe even comfortable. Known.

Sometimes for grins and conversation, I’ll ask people if they have a number. A number that represents their ideal income. It sparks insightful conversation.

It’s quite curious the specific numbers people mention. And why they narrow down to a precise number.

No matter what number people mention I’ll ask, “Why that number? What will that number do that another number won’t?”

Those conversations reveal what people think is possible even if they aspire to a number that may be well beyond any amount they’ve ever earned. Truth is, most people don’t name some fantasical number. Mostly, people name a number that is quite reasonable even if they’ve never achieved it. I suppose most of us are more comfortable being reasonable and just stretching ever so slightly.

That’s why the person who earns $50K a year lists $60K a year is their number. Or the person earning $70K might say $90K is their number.

There’s nothing empirical about it. It’s just some random conversation, but it still intrigues me. Grandiose people can list some gigantic number, but dig a bit deeper and they’ll almost always admit it’s just a dream number. A fascination with the notion of winning the lottery or something.

July 1st is known by some as Bobby Bonilla Day because of the retired baseball player’s contract that pays him over $1 million a year through 2035 even though he hasn’t played for almost 20 years. We can all imagine what that could be like, but only those who earn that amount or close to it annually can really imagine it. So we could flippantly say our number is $1 million a year. But could we conceive of it? Really? Well, of course not. It’s unknown to us.

The bigger issue is – can we imagine it deeply enough to consider that our lives have been filled with firsts. Things we’ve never done before. We learned to walk, talk, read, write, do math and a host of other things that we had never ever done before. But we figured it out. Largely because we assumed we could. Never mind that it was unchartered territory for us. We likely took those things for granted – that in time we’d get it right.

Can you get your imagination wrapped around taking it for granted that you can achieve something you’ve never achieved before?

Naivate may be critical. Positive naivate.  

Life taught us to stop being naive. As kids, we didn’t know better. Our minds weren’t limited by anything. Our imaginations fueled all kinds of adventures and excitement. We built forts in the woods. We built rafts to float in the nearby lake. We build carts to roll down that big hill at the end of the street. We built treehouses so we could be up high. All because our lives weren’t filled with what we couldn’t do, but rather with what might be possible.

Summer days were filled with grand possibilities. We’d sit around laying flat on our backs looking up at the clouds pass by asking each other, “What if we _________?” And we’d dream of doing something. If enough of us agreed, we’d give it a go. More often than not we’d do it. It may not have always turned out to the prettiest thing ever built, but no matter…we did it. Something we’d never done before. We tried. So what if that raft didn’t float? We didn’t care. Dreaming of it and building it was the fun. Getting it to the water, too. Pushing it into the water only to see it sink quicker than anything else we’d ever pushed into the water…well, that was just a bonus! 😀

Sometimes we’d go back to the drawing board. Mostly, we moved on and went in a completely different direction. The past didn’t matter. It was another story we could tell. “Remember when we built that raft?” Nobody was keeping score of our wins or losses. We were all keeping score of our adventures. It was our life. As kids. An adventure.

Then we grew up. Life beat the adventure out of us. And made sure we focused on our failures by keeping score. And rubbing our noses in it. Instead of remembering the adventure – life taught us to, “Remember when you tried that last and it failed? You don’t want to experience that again, do you?” So we cautiously answer, “Oh, no. You’re right. I’d best not try that again. Better to just stay right here where it’s safe.”

We grew increasingly afraid. Fearful to even try.

Fearful to imagine.

Fearful to even consider what earning an extra $10K a year might be like.

Fearful to even think of aiming for that job that our head is telling us we’ll never get.

Fearful to consider that the song we wrote might be made fun of if we dare post it online anywhere.

Fearful to think that the limits of our life are self-imposed.

Because it’s easier to think it’s not our fault. Which means it’s not our responsibility. Which means we’re not accountable for why things turn out as they do.

Life did this to us. We’re merely passengers riding along to the driving of something else. Something else. All of us aimlessly directed by forces beyond our control. Destined to be lucky or unlucky. Blessed or not blessed.

Really?

Is that really what we think?

We must. Because that’s how many of us live. Like puppets unable to decide what must be decided. Or do what must be done. Yet powerful enough to decide to do nothing, venture nothing, gain nothing and make sure we ride out our days as victims of a fate we didn’t choose.

All the while, blind that we did choose it. It was completely our choice. We picked it, committed to it and made it so. Then were unhappy with the outcome. All because we refused to more clearly see how the real world works. All because we decided it was easier, safer or whatever else…to think something wasn’t possible. The improbable grew into impossible. Over time our imaginations shrunk. Then they shriveled. Then they died.

Along with it. Our future. And our present.

Imprisoned by our past. And our foolish notion that the last chapter, or that chapter a few chapters ago most accurately defined our entire life. Never giving due consideration to the truth that it wasn’t a chapter at all, but rather a sentence. A paragraph. Maybe a page. Not a chapter. Certainly not the whole story.

Years roll by and we repeat it then happily recite with confidence, pointing to our failures or limitations, “See, I told you so.”

Confidence. Few things impress me more these days when it comes to the elements we need to move forward. Confidence.

Not bravado. Not ego. Not selfishness. Not self-righteousness. Not a feeling of superiority. Not harsh judgment.

Confidence.

The kind of confidence a pack of kids once had to think we could build a fort in the woods that would be a cool place to hang out. And we did it.

The kind of confidence a bunch of kids once had to think we go play football in the vacant lot and have fun. So we did.

The kind of confidence we once had to know that if we were going to have fun, then it was up to us to create us because our parents weren’t going to do it for us.

The kind of confidence born of boredom and imagination.

So we became whatever we dreamt we could become. And built whatever we dreamed could be built. Nobody was going to stop us. Nobody tried. If they did, I don’t remember. I couldn’t hear them.

Until I got older…

Randy

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The title is a lyric from the newest Jamestown Revival record, San Isabel. The song is, “This Too Shall Pass.”

For those of you interested – and some of you are – here’s some music I’m listening to at the moment…in addition to this new Jamestown Revival record.

The Hunts – Darlin’ Oh Darlin’ (2018)

The Hollering Pines – Long Nights, Short Lives and Spilled Chances (2013)

The Bones of J.R. Jones – The Bones of J.R. Jones (2019) – he is Jonathon Robert Linaberry but performs as The Bones of J.R. Jones (he’s a solo artist)

Rickie Lee Jones – Kicks (2019)

American Aquarium – Wolves (2015)

Kylie Rae Harris – Kylie Rae Harris EP (2019)

And of course, I’m listening to the usual suspects as well. Mandolin Orange is still aways a big player. Anderson East, Jade Bird, James Morrison and Josh Ritter. There’s so much good music.

Music and solitude go hand in hand for me. And writing. Sometimes drawing, which more closely resembles doodling these days.

All this listening to music violates the true meaning of solitude – which is defined by psychology in a way not quite to my liking.

Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely.

The authors of a book, Lead Yourself First, give a more detailed definition that I rather like.

Solitude is a state of mind, a space where you can focus on your own thoughts without distraction, with a power to bring mind and soul together in clear-eyed conviction.

Simply put, it’s freedom from distraction. Technically listening to music violates the definition I suppose. But I count it anyway. Lyrics and melodies provoke thoughts, but I consider that a positive distraction. It feeds my solitude. It’s part of rest, restoration and rejuvenation.

A Coat Of Armor

We all have one. Because we all need one. Every now and again.

Truthfully, I think we need one more often than not. Sorta like being fully clothed. We spend most of our time being fully clothed. Okay, I won’t get into a modesty debate just here, but you know what I mean. 😉

Not many people see me running around in my boxers and a t-shirt. It’s a select few.

So it is with exposing ourselves sans armor. It’s just not safe most of the time.

Armor is protection. You’re likely thinking of the armor worn by knights in medieval days. Or maybe you’re thinking of the body armor worn by today’s soldiers or law enforcement officers. Here in Texas, you could even be thinking of armadillos.

We need armor to protect against attacks. From people intending to harm us.

Armor can also signify resilience, our ability to protect ourselves against adversity. Circumstances. Events. People. Situations.

It’s not bad. It’s necessary. And part of how we all must live our lives.

Introversion Versus Extroversion

Of all the personality traits these seem the most talked about. They’re the biggest elephants in the room often used to describe ourselves or others.

I can only speak to my own introversion, which is part of my armor. Just like an extrovert deploys that quality as part of her armor.

My introversion appears quite frequently like extroversion. Somebody smarter than me will have to explain it. My way of looking at it is based on my internal energy. When my armor is weakened, I retreat. It’s one way I can refuel and attempt to fortify myself. Attempt being the operative word. 😉

I suspect extroverts do the opposite. When their armor is weakened, they likely seek the company of others in their effort to recharge and renew strength.

Such is the individual nature of our armor – whatever characteristics and qualities make up our armor are largely individual to us. While it’s true that we’re much more alike than not, it’s the subtle nuances of our personalities that make us US.

In medieval days a big part of the armor was the shield. You could judge a knight by his shield. It was a primary identifier. For whom is this knight fighting? Who and what does he represent?

Our armor, including whatever we use as a shield, does the same for us. Who we are and whom (or what) we serve is shown by the armor we bear.

Protecting Us From What?

I make no argument against our need to protect ourselves. Of course we need to. The question is, “From what?”

Hurt. Pain. Suffering. Embarrassment. Shame.

Love. Intimacy. Commitment.

Fears, both universal and individual, impact us unlike anything else. From paralysis to going off the deep end. Our fears propel us toward foolishness and delusion and they put our feet in cement simultaneously.

Wrangling fear is hard work. Worthwhile, but hard.

When we’re able to harness appropriate fear it can catapult us toward wisdom. When we don’t – or can’t – it shoves us down the whitewater rapids of foolishness.

But there’s all that inappropriate or inaccurate fear. Our false fears. Our false assumptions. Our beliefs or disbelief. Mostly about ourselves and what’s possible.

Anxiety, too. It’s often as formidable a foe as fear. For some, more so.

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

Anxiety is a glory hog. Loves to get all the press. Anxiety is the Kardashian of human emotions.

Protecting vital organs with body armor and one’s skull with a helmet is easier – and more effective – than whatever armor we can deploy to protect our minds (and synonymously, our hearts).

During the 1960s, the United States failed to engage in a “Hearts and Minds” campaign in Vietnam. In 1974 a famous documentary of that war bore the same title, “Hearts And Minds.” The notion is that it’s more effective to win over an opponent with intellectual and emotional appeal than to try to merely subdue them with physical or military strength. That didn’t happen in Vietnam. Brute force didn’t work and the war was a catastrophic failure.

What about your heart and mind? How might you protect them from your own devices or the devices of others?

And when your armor gets tired and is wearing thin, can you fortify it? Or does it just fail never to be returned to a more effective protective state?

Here’s the thing about heart and mind protection. The question is the answer.

Our best – in fact, our only – armor or protection is our heart and mind. There is simply no other protection available. What we think and what we feel are everything!

Spiritually and morally I was always encouraged to “guard your heart.” I knew it meant to lean on my Faith and the Truth of God’s Word to protect myself from the various temptations and behaviors that might rob my faith.

Phil. 4:7 “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.”

Chael Sonnen is an MMA commentator who tells the story of how boxing and mixed martial artist bouts began to use the pre-fight instruction, “Protect yourself at all times.”

Our coat of armor is dependant on us. Period. We’re responsible to protect ourselves at all times. It doesn’t matter if we hear a bell or not. It doesn’t matter if the opponent stops swinging at us, or if the opponent is momentarily out of sight. Protect yourself at all times.

Because if you don’t – you’re liable to get knocked out.

A coat of armor can become fatigued resulting in…well, less protection. It makes us susceptible to blows even if we are trying to protect ourselves at all times. And forget about trying harder. What does that even mean? How do you do it?

A wiser strategy is to shore up the armor’s weak spots. Or maybe better yet…to ditch the old armor and to get new.

Let’s talk a bit about armor. What does our protection look like? What exactly is it? Until we know that, how can we know how to shore it up or replace it?

There’s lots of empty advice out there. Things like, “Don’t allow someone to affect your moods, thoughts, preferences, opinions, or plans.” That’s an actual quote from a respected psychology site. Great advice…if you know how to do it. Empty advice for the millions of us who have no idea.

Before you think I’m here to offer some wisdom previously unknown…hold your horses. I’m not that smart, wise or creative. I am thoughtful, mindful and compassionate though. This is insanely difficult work and therapists worldwide have calendars filled with people seeking professional help to figure it out for themselves.

Nothing is more complex than our mind.

Nothing is more powerful to help us than our own mind.

Nothing is more powerful to destroy us than our own mind.

Nothing is more difficult to manage or control than our mind.

So should we just throw up our hands (and our breakfast) and start waving the white flag of surrender? Hardly.

We should assume the aggressive, yet protective stance of a ninja warrior. Or whatever comic book hero you most admire, if that’s your thing. I’ll envision myself as one of the knights of the roundtable in King Arthur’s court. Not the dark knight of Monty Python’s Quest For the Holy Grail…although you must admire his tenacity in the face of brutal defeat!

Perhaps that depiction is too aggressive. Is it too offensive and not defensive enough to suit you? Maybe. But perhaps there’s some truth that can help us.

We think of armor or protection as defensive. And it is. But for what end?

Do we protect ourselves to simply survive or so we can fight back successfully? Are we trying to win or merely withstand the attack?

That depends on who you are and how you choose to live. Some are willing to endure and withstand. They feel victorious by weathering the storm. Forget counter-punching. Like a turtle going inside the shell, they just want to hide until the attack is over.

That’d be an effective strategy if we just had to endure one attack. Or one attack every now and again. But life isn’t quite so kind. Attacks continue. Mostly they’re ongoing.

We must fight back. Or be killed. Metaphorically, of course. Or perhaps actually – realistically. Some attacks can kill us. Illness, injury, abuse. It’s the ugly, deadly side of attacks and attackers. They come from EVERYWHERE.

Physical. Mental. Emotional.

Back to our armor and its purpose.

I think of it in three stages, even though it’s really a two-step process where step one becomes step 3. Think of it as a two-step cycle.

The podcast title is Leaning TOWARD Wisdom so it implies forward progress toward wisdom. That means if we don’t advance, then we’re not progressing.

Step One: Endurance / Survival

You’ve got to live long enough. It’s the first priority.

You don’t know when you’ll be attacked. Not always. Nor do you always know what or who will attack. Which means you have to always be prepared. But for what?

To sustain an attack. Of any kind. For any endurance. Of any intensity.

Doesn’t mean you’ll survive, but you can prepare to give yourself improved odds. When I was coaching some hockey I intently focused teams on making sure we accomplished one thing: be tough to play against. Translation: make it really hard on the opponent. That’s what we must do to guard ourselves against all adversity.

Too often we wilt under light pressure. That gives us no chance to thrive. Nature illustrates it. Seeds endure a form of death before they sprout bigger and grander creations. Creatures large and small struggle to be born so life can begin a long journey of resistance against threats on life.

Logically we all understand the value of overcoming adversity. The magic isn’t the adversity. The magic is our growth as we figure out how to endure it and overcome it. From our struggles emerges our strength. A strength we could never build or increase without the pressure of challenge. The attacks of life make us strong enough to move forward and become more than we would have otherwise.

Part of the game – this whole living game – is to stay alive long enough to figure it out. Long enough to become stronger.

Tired doesn’t mean weak. Weariness isn’t equal to defeat.

Gyms all over the world are filled with strong, fit people striving to get more so. And filled with folks who are not so fit and not so strong striving to improve. The process isn’t laugh-out-loud fun. It’s often dreary and dreaded. People do it to get the results: firmer bodies, stronger muscles, lower body fat. In a word, fit. To become more fit.

Fit for what? Well, that depends.

Fit for clothes. Fit for a love connection. Fit for health improvements. All of the above. People have their reasons. Just like we all have our reasons for wanting to endure and survive. We don’t want to live to fight another day. We want to live to fight today. And tomorrow. And the day after that.

When the bullets start flying we want to avoid being hurt. Walking away tired, exhausted, but unhurt is ideal. When my kids were teens I’d constantly encourage them to be safe. Repeatedly I told them I knew they’d make mistakes. I just didn’t want them to make a mistake from which they couldn’t recover. So it goes with our self-protection. If our adversity wrecks us completely – killing us – then the game is over. Happens all the time to millions of people who can’t figure out how to endure the challenges of the day. So they quit. Give up. Resign that success will never happen for them. It’s why failure is so prominent.

We want our adversity to be…well, not so adverse. Our preference would be to walk away unscathed. Not even winded.

But that’s not profitable. We learn nothing from it. Our mental, emotional and psychological muscles grow no stronger.

We need adversity. We just need to handle it so we’re not permanent injured or killed by it. And we need to endure it long enough so we can rest and recover.

Not all fights are the same. Some are fast and over with in a hurry. Others linger on…and on…and on. Some feel like we’re battling thousands and others feel like we’re up against a lone sniper. Some are up close like a knife fight. Others are more long-distance like a drone attack. None of them are comfortable. All of them are threatening.

Be tough to compete against. Just refuse to stop. Don’t quit. I’m not sure much else matters. All those fighting details. Tactics. Strategies. Do they matter? Well, of course. It’d be dishonest to say they don’t matter at all. The question I have is, “Do they make a difference between winning and losing?”

I’m not sure they do. Truly. I’m not.

Rather, I think a person’s hardheadedness (resolve) is the real power of endurance. Navy Seal training involves a very simple device. Ten percent of the training candidates (there are 200 at the beginning) graduate. The rest accept an invitation available to all 200 from the beginning. The invitation to just walk over to a bell and ring it. Ringing the bell signifies quitting. Equivalent to tapping out. Saying, “I’m done.”

The men who would be Seals aren’t men who quit. That’s precisely the point of the training. To find out who refuses to quit. Every candidate is already a talented sailor likely capable of learning whatever needs to be learned. What the Navy doesn’t know is how resilient and hardheaded the sailors are. Which is why the training is critical. Who among the 200 refuses to ring the bell no matter what? The training provides the answer.

Adversity in life does the same thing except we have no bell to ring to tell life, “Okay, stop. I’ve had enough.” Life just keeps on whether you quit or not.

Wait a minute, what?

You heard me. Life keeps on beating you no matter what.

So permit some logic. Why quit? It won’t spare you anything. It won’t make the beatings stop. It just means you’ll stop fighting…getting weaker and weaker…and more injured along the way.

So what does this mean?

It means that adversity’s impact is limited or limitless. You get to decide.

Yes, people die. Sometimes it can’t be stopped. I know countless folks announce they’ve been diagnosed with some awful disease. Then just as quickly they announce how they’ll fight it. And beat it. And then they don’t. Brave speech is easy. Unreasonable brave speech even more so. Your physical life can be taken by some adversity. Maybe the best we can hope for under such dire circumstances is to manage as best we can how we exit. But that’s not even always possible. So we endure just as long as we can.

Thankfully, most adversity won’t eat us. It’ll just try to gum us to death.

Pain tolerance. Discomfort tolerance. It really boils down to not letting discomfort or pain discourage us. Our ability to live with it until we can find time to rest, recuperate and restore our energy.

Step Two: Advance / Push Forward

We need energy to succeed. The only way we get it is by enduring the adversity that makes our armor thin. That’s how we thicken the armor. Armor that shows the tiredness of being in battle has proven its ability to do the job. Human armor has an ability unavailable to a knight’s. It improves and is strengthened.

Armor that shows thinness and tiredness just means one thing. The armor needs rest, restoration and rejuvenation. It doesn’t mean the fight is over. Or that the armor is finished.

There’s the buried lead that I’m so known for in this podcast. When you’re feeling most discouraged, least resilient, unwilling or unable to fight any longer — it’s just a signal. A signal you should not – must not – ignore!

Rest.

Restore.

Recuperate.

Rejuvenate.

These are individual pursuits. And these are precisely the activities most successful people excel. And I’m not talking about wealthy…I’m talking about people who achieve what they most want to achieve. The achievers in life figure out how to best rest, restore, recuperate and rejuvenate so they can advance past the adversity.

Figuring out how to rest, restore, recuperate and rejuvenate is only half the battle. The other half is doing it.

I’ll pick on myself as an example.

Physical rest isn’t easy for me. My entire life has consisted of cat-napping. My circadian rhythm has been weirdly abnormal my entire life. I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t. When I was young I struggled to fall asleep. And to stay asleep. Now I don’t struggle to fall asleep, but staying asleep still evades me. You can almost set a stopwatch to 90 minutes. I’ll fall asleep and within 90 minutes, almost to the minute (regularly), I’m awake. Some nights, that’s it. Other nights, I get up for a few hours and repeat that 90-minute cycle.

Stress and adversity disrupt that even further. And I know – with absolute certainty – that I need to rest. I know when my armor is wearing thin. I notice it long before others do.

My goal is to find restoration before it shows. I don’t always do that and I don’t work nearly as diligently to mask it as I once did. These days I’ll confide in some people, “I’m struggling.” But knowing these things about myself isn’t tantamount to doing much about it.

Of course, it depends on the adversity, too. I joked with a friend the other day that my life decided to wait until I was older and already tired before deep adversity hit me the hardest. So it goes with many of us.

Growing older isn’t for the faint of heart. Old hearts get broken every bit as easily as young ones. Maybe more so. Sadly, there’s not nearly as much time to mend. Which makes our ability to rest and recover more urgent.

I’m back to solitude – that thing I mentioned at the top of the show. For me that’s critical. Remember, I’m introverted. Socializing drains me. Not intimate conversation with close friends. Not helping a person or a couple in a very private way. Those give me energy. But putting on a “hi, how are you?” face at some gathering is the biggest beating I can endure – often far worse than the adversity itself. For me, historically, the challenge has been managing the expectation, especially of judgmental people.

To better manage that I made up my mind a few years ago to not care. I never did care much, but I cared enough that I’d do what was expected – mostly because it was important to mask the thinness of my armor. Over time I figured it just didn’t matter. It certainly didn’t matter to mask it more than it did to shore it up. I mean, logically it made no sense to me. Mask the thinness of your armor and grind it down even further doing something that drains what little energy I’ve got left…OR…forget masking it and get on with rejuvenating it so you can recover. I opted mostly (not always) for the latter.

I still find myself surrendering to impositions that I’d rather avoid. Playing nice. Which is quite easy because neglecting my armor is very easy. Stupid. Foolish. And wrong. But easy.

I’m much more prone to help you with yours. All the while telling you that mine is fine, even though it’s not. These are proofs how our strengths become our weaknesses. My energy levels go higher helping people with their armor. My energy levels go down imposing on others to help me with my own.

It’s hypocrisy of sorts I know. But it is what it is.

Know yourself. It’s the first chore of the rest and recovery step.

Act on it. Post haste. That’s the next chore. The toughest one for me personally. But I’m working on it. Mostly, I do what’s easy. I retreat. Solitude is easy and comfortable for me. Music, writing – these are the two common tools that have been part of my solitude my entire life. Until the Internet was born the writing was only in journals to myself. Well, the only other exception was about 3 years of daily letter writing to Rhonda when we were dating and living 11 hours (by car) apart.

My father has always remarked how he could sit and think of NOTHING. I envy that skill. I don’t have it. So I have to focus on channeling what I’m thinking about. Solitude helps.

And Benadryl. 😉

Sometimes.

The point? Do what you have to do to get your armor back into good, battle-ready condition. It’s too important to neglect. Self-preservation is not selfishness.

Step Three: Endurance / Survival

Now, it’s time to fight again because trouble jumped out from behind that tree and blind-sided you like Kato.

And the process begins all anew. But this time there’s a difference.

You’ve seen this move by adversity before. You experienced the pain and chokehold of this in the past. And you learned what you did poorly the last time. Not this time. This time you’re going to try a new maneuver. Maybe it’ll work. Maybe not.

Doesn’t matter really. You’ll figure it out.

The name of the game is to stay alive long enough to do that – figure it out. Then you’ll be able to rest once more.

You just have to be tenacious. Difficult to fight against. You want to be among the winners.

In simple terms, they’re the 10% who refuse to ring the bell. No matter what.

They just don’t give up.

It’s hard to beat a person that never gives up.   -Babe Ruth

Truth is, you can’t beat a person that never gives up. And now you can think about that black knight in the Holy Grail. No matter that he couldn’t protect the bridge any longer. No matter that his legs were chopped off. And his arms. He was able to heckle King Arthur as he rode off to the sound of banging two coconuts together. 😀

Even in what seemed like sure defeat the black knight had the last laugh.

You will, too.

So when you’re feeling down and out jump and shout, “Hey, hey!”

Why not?

None of us are gettin’ out of here alive anyway. Let’s make it count. And have some fun at adversity’s expense.

Randy

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A quick hit is a short riff, rant or observation. An idea worth sharing, but not worth waiting on for a full-blown podcast episode. And not worth devoting an entire episode to either.

This morning I did my usual glance drive-by on Facebook and other social media platforms. I noticed this post by Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook:

For some years now I’ve been increasingly focused on the mental health and fitness of business people. Particularly business owners and CEOs. In fact I recorded an entire podcast episode about what I think is going to be increasingly top-of-mind moving forward. It’s my work or business related podcast over at GrowGreat.com. This particular episode was focused on the mental wellness revolution that is bound to happen because of the pressures of doing and being in business.

Business owners and leaders suffer an isolation that seems paradoxical. Surrounded by lots of people, yet lonely. Socially often busy, but alone. During the times when the biggest challenges and opportunities arrive, business people are mostly alone to figure it out. I’m working to put my own mark – a very tiny mark – on the problem by helping a small group of business owners overcome isolation and loneliness by helping them make better decisions in real time, by helping them more properly execute those decisions inside their business and by helping them do it more quickly — because speed is a critical competitive advantage for small business.

EMPATHY

Talk is cheap. And it’s everywhere. People talk a big game when it comes to empathy, but I don’t see it exercised much.

Maybe people don’t know how to do it. Or maybe they don’t really have much of it. No matter, the outcome is usually the same. People who are too focused on themselves to notice. I’m a noticer. It can’t be helped. It’s not some calculated thing, it just happens. A conversation is happening among a group of people. Somebody says something, maybe seemingly innocuous, and in a moment one person silently walks away. Maybe it’s a slight drop of their head. Maybe it’s a look in their eye. Something triggers in my brain making me know that what’s just been said has hit them in some way. I follow, approach and ask, “You okay?” Sometimes tears start immediately. Sometimes expressions of anger. Sure enough, something was said that caused them to feel something. Something they didn’t feel comfortable sharing in that moment. But here we are. Just the two of us. And they’re sharing.

It happens for me with great regularity. I’m not looking for it. It just happens. There are dozens of other examples of how my empathy drives me. But that gives you a clear idea (I hope) of how vision and noticing work for me (and I know I’m not alone).

I’ve now been on the planet going on 60 years. Hard to believe. But that’s long enough now to know how rare (some might say “odd”) I am. Until the last few years I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t think what I did was out of the ordinary, but I’m finding out that it is extraordinary. Not much about me is extraordinary, but I’ve learned in the past few years to tell people that I know I have a couple of super powers. Empathy and connection (communication). Well, okay – they may not be SUPER powers, but they’re qualities or characteristics that are at the forefront of my life.

And as I look back to my youth, I’ve always had these. It begs the question, “Are these innate qualities or did I learn them?” I’d argue both. But I don’t really know.

My childhood is riddled with stories of neighborhood kids who got into it with me getting between them, talking them off the ledge before somebody started throwing punches. I’ve always stepped forward quickly to make peace. At school. On the playground. In sports. At work. Everywhere. Partly it’s about keeping peace, but mostly it’s about wanting to help people solve problems in more positive ways. And not wanting people to get into unnecessary trouble.

This came into play for me professionally when I was a young business leader. Maybe it’s why I always aspired to positions of leadership. Not for the power, but for the authority to serve people. Since I was in my 20’s I’ve maintained the same philosophy I still employ in leadership: serving the people in the organization is the only reason why leaders exist. I knew that my ability and authority as a leader centered around my ability to remove obstacles that others didn’t have the authority to remove. Why else have a leader if they can’t or don’t help you get accomplish something?

Vision is key. Most people don’t have it. They don’t see what I see. They’re not paying attention to the things that leap out at me. I’m not judging, just observing. I understand that people are living in their heads. Focused on their problems and opportunities. I am, too. Except in real-time, when interacting with others, I can’t avoid noticing behavior, hearing words, listening to tone, watching body language and connecting dots.

CONNECTING DOTS (Making Sense Of It All)

Okay, I’ve got a 3rd super power, intuition. Some have observed it’s an ability to read people. Maybe, but it’s more than that. It’s reading situations. The word I ascribe to it is congruency. I’ve driven to find congruency. When things aren’t congruent, I’m driven mad.

It happens constantly. People say one thing, but do something different. A husband claims to love his wife or family, but behaves poorly. It’s not congruent. Makes no sense. I know he’s lying. Other people talk of his struggles. I focus on connecting the dots of what he does, not what he says…because I know his actions speak his heart. Harsh? Not at all. Truth.

A business owner claims to really care about his employees and wants to take care of them. But he orders a new Bentley while simultaneously cutting another 7% of the company’s contribution to the benefits package for employees. He’s a liar. He doesn’t care about the employees as much as he wants people to think. Harsh? Not at all. Truth.

If the husband and father made the truthful declaration that his family is holding him back from doing what he wants…from being happy as he defines it, then I could at least respect his honesty.

Or if the business owner would declare, “Listen, my wife really wants a new Bentley and I love her more than I love the employees so I’m trimming our contribution to the benefits package…” – I’d respect that. I wouldn’t agree with it, but I could respect the candid honesty.

No, I don’t expect those truths to be stated. But people can still act with congruency. And I know that deep down, people do. We all do. It’s just that our congruency isn’t always based on what we say. It’s always based on what we do. So I watch what people do, compared to what they say. It’s like that clever quote,

“After all is said and done, more is said than done.”

EMPATHY, CONNECTION & MAKING SENSE OF IT ALL

I’m feeding what I’m good at and not resisting it. True confession – I’ve resisted it in the past. Yes, there have been times in my life when I tried to be something I’m not. Where I tried to soar with strengths that I don’t possess. No, it didn’t work. It never works. But it’s the delusion many of us suffer. Convincing ourselves that we can be or do something that is difficult, if not impossible for us.

I’m not immune from inner conflict and head trash. I see people online who want us to think they’ve got it all figured out. They’re super humans who have such an elevated state of self-awareness and inner strength that nothing gets to them. See, as a dot connector I know that’s not true…no matter how gifted they are at convincing us otherwise.

Fear. Loneliness. Anxiety. Dread. Common to all of us. ALL OF US.

Which is why Sheryl Sandberg’s post this morning caught my eye. She lost her husband Dave (CEO of SurveyMonkey) a few years ago. Suicide was suspected. Still is by many people. I have no way to know, but it’s clear that Ms. Sandberg and Facebook are mindful of the recent live streaming video of people who have taken their own lives. Is it completely altruistic? Not likely, but I’d like to think mostly.

People struggle.

With failure. With success.

With problems. With opportunities.

With business. With home life.

People struggle.

I’m driven – always have been – more by helping people through the struggles than by anything else. Nothing fuels me more. It’s been that way since I was a child. And now that I’m old, it’s still that way.

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