June 2019

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The title is a lyric from the newest Jamestown Revival record, San Isabel. The song is, “This Too Shall Pass.”

For those of you interested – and some of you are – here’s some music I’m listening to at the moment…in addition to this new Jamestown Revival record.

The Hunts – Darlin’ Oh Darlin’ (2018)

The Hollering Pines – Long Nights, Short Lives and Spilled Chances (2013)

The Bones of J.R. Jones – The Bones of J.R. Jones (2019) – he is Jonathon Robert Linaberry but performs as The Bones of J.R. Jones (he’s a solo artist)

Rickie Lee Jones – Kicks (2019)

American Aquarium – Wolves (2015)

Kylie Rae Harris – Kylie Rae Harris EP (2019)

And of course, I’m listening to the usual suspects as well. Mandolin Orange is still aways a big player. Anderson East, Jade Bird, James Morrison and Josh Ritter. There’s so much good music.

Music and solitude go hand in hand for me. And writing. Sometimes drawing, which more closely resembles doodling these days.

All this listening to music violates the true meaning of solitude – which is defined by psychology in a way not quite to my liking.

Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely.

The authors of a book, Lead Yourself First, give a more detailed definition that I rather like.

Solitude is a state of mind, a space where you can focus on your own thoughts without distraction, with a power to bring mind and soul together in clear-eyed conviction.

Simply put, it’s freedom from distraction. Technically listening to music violates the definition I suppose. But I count it anyway. Lyrics and melodies provoke thoughts, but I consider that a positive distraction. It feeds my solitude. It’s part of rest, restoration and rejuvenation.

A Coat Of Armor

We all have one. Because we all need one. Every now and again.

Truthfully, I think we need one more often than not. Sorta like being fully clothed. We spend most of our time being fully clothed. Okay, I won’t get into a modesty debate just here, but you know what I mean. 😉

Not many people see me running around in my boxers and a t-shirt. It’s a select few.

So it is with exposing ourselves sans armor. It’s just not safe most of the time.

Armor is protection. You’re likely thinking of the armor worn by knights in medieval days. Or maybe you’re thinking of the body armor worn by today’s soldiers or law enforcement officers. Here in Texas, you could even be thinking of armadillos.

We need armor to protect against attacks. From people intending to harm us.

Armor can also signify resilience, our ability to protect ourselves against adversity. Circumstances. Events. People. Situations.

It’s not bad. It’s necessary. And part of how we all must live our lives.

Introversion Versus Extroversion

Of all the personality traits these seem the most talked about. They’re the biggest elephants in the room often used to describe ourselves or others.

I can only speak to my own introversion, which is part of my armor. Just like an extrovert deploys that quality as part of her armor.

My introversion appears quite frequently like extroversion. Somebody smarter than me will have to explain it. My way of looking at it is based on my internal energy. When my armor is weakened, I retreat. It’s one way I can refuel and attempt to fortify myself. Attempt being the operative word. 😉

I suspect extroverts do the opposite. When their armor is weakened, they likely seek the company of others in their effort to recharge and renew strength.

Such is the individual nature of our armor – whatever characteristics and qualities make up our armor are largely individual to us. While it’s true that we’re much more alike than not, it’s the subtle nuances of our personalities that make us US.

In medieval days a big part of the armor was the shield. You could judge a knight by his shield. It was a primary identifier. For whom is this knight fighting? Who and what does he represent?

Our armor, including whatever we use as a shield, does the same for us. Who we are and whom (or what) we serve is shown by the armor we bear.

Protecting Us From What?

I make no argument against our need to protect ourselves. Of course we need to. The question is, “From what?”

Hurt. Pain. Suffering. Embarrassment. Shame.

Love. Intimacy. Commitment.

Fears, both universal and individual, impact us unlike anything else. From paralysis to going off the deep end. Our fears propel us toward foolishness and delusion and they put our feet in cement simultaneously.

Wrangling fear is hard work. Worthwhile, but hard.

When we’re able to harness appropriate fear it can catapult us toward wisdom. When we don’t – or can’t – it shoves us down the whitewater rapids of foolishness.

But there’s all that inappropriate or inaccurate fear. Our false fears. Our false assumptions. Our beliefs or disbelief. Mostly about ourselves and what’s possible.

Anxiety, too. It’s often as formidable a foe as fear. For some, more so.

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

Anxiety is a glory hog. Loves to get all the press. Anxiety is the Kardashian of human emotions.

Protecting vital organs with body armor and one’s skull with a helmet is easier – and more effective – than whatever armor we can deploy to protect our minds (and synonymously, our hearts).

During the 1960s, the United States failed to engage in a “Hearts and Minds” campaign in Vietnam. In 1974 a famous documentary of that war bore the same title, “Hearts And Minds.” The notion is that it’s more effective to win over an opponent with intellectual and emotional appeal than to try to merely subdue them with physical or military strength. That didn’t happen in Vietnam. Brute force didn’t work and the war was a catastrophic failure.

What about your heart and mind? How might you protect them from your own devices or the devices of others?

And when your armor gets tired and is wearing thin, can you fortify it? Or does it just fail never to be returned to a more effective protective state?

Here’s the thing about heart and mind protection. The question is the answer.

Our best – in fact, our only – armor or protection is our heart and mind. There is simply no other protection available. What we think and what we feel are everything!

Spiritually and morally I was always encouraged to “guard your heart.” I knew it meant to lean on my Faith and the Truth of God’s Word to protect myself from the various temptations and behaviors that might rob my faith.

Phil. 4:7 “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.”

Chael Sonnen is an MMA commentator who tells the story of how boxing and mixed martial artist bouts began to use the pre-fight instruction, “Protect yourself at all times.”

Our coat of armor is dependant on us. Period. We’re responsible to protect ourselves at all times. It doesn’t matter if we hear a bell or not. It doesn’t matter if the opponent stops swinging at us, or if the opponent is momentarily out of sight. Protect yourself at all times.

Because if you don’t – you’re liable to get knocked out.

A coat of armor can become fatigued resulting in…well, less protection. It makes us susceptible to blows even if we are trying to protect ourselves at all times. And forget about trying harder. What does that even mean? How do you do it?

A wiser strategy is to shore up the armor’s weak spots. Or maybe better yet…to ditch the old armor and to get new.

Let’s talk a bit about armor. What does our protection look like? What exactly is it? Until we know that, how can we know how to shore it up or replace it?

There’s lots of empty advice out there. Things like, “Don’t allow someone to affect your moods, thoughts, preferences, opinions, or plans.” That’s an actual quote from a respected psychology site. Great advice…if you know how to do it. Empty advice for the millions of us who have no idea.

Before you think I’m here to offer some wisdom previously unknown…hold your horses. I’m not that smart, wise or creative. I am thoughtful, mindful and compassionate though. This is insanely difficult work and therapists worldwide have calendars filled with people seeking professional help to figure it out for themselves.

Nothing is more complex than our mind.

Nothing is more powerful to help us than our own mind.

Nothing is more powerful to destroy us than our own mind.

Nothing is more difficult to manage or control than our mind.

So should we just throw up our hands (and our breakfast) and start waving the white flag of surrender? Hardly.

We should assume the aggressive, yet protective stance of a ninja warrior. Or whatever comic book hero you most admire, if that’s your thing. I’ll envision myself as one of the knights of the roundtable in King Arthur’s court. Not the dark knight of Monty Python’s Quest For the Holy Grail…although you must admire his tenacity in the face of brutal defeat!

Perhaps that depiction is too aggressive. Is it too offensive and not defensive enough to suit you? Maybe. But perhaps there’s some truth that can help us.

We think of armor or protection as defensive. And it is. But for what end?

Do we protect ourselves to simply survive or so we can fight back successfully? Are we trying to win or merely withstand the attack?

That depends on who you are and how you choose to live. Some are willing to endure and withstand. They feel victorious by weathering the storm. Forget counter-punching. Like a turtle going inside the shell, they just want to hide until the attack is over.

That’d be an effective strategy if we just had to endure one attack. Or one attack every now and again. But life isn’t quite so kind. Attacks continue. Mostly they’re ongoing.

We must fight back. Or be killed. Metaphorically, of course. Or perhaps actually – realistically. Some attacks can kill us. Illness, injury, abuse. It’s the ugly, deadly side of attacks and attackers. They come from EVERYWHERE.

Physical. Mental. Emotional.

Back to our armor and its purpose.

I think of it in three stages, even though it’s really a two-step process where step one becomes step 3. Think of it as a two-step cycle.

The podcast title is Leaning TOWARD Wisdom so it implies forward progress toward wisdom. That means if we don’t advance, then we’re not progressing.

Step One: Endurance / Survival

You’ve got to live long enough. It’s the first priority.

You don’t know when you’ll be attacked. Not always. Nor do you always know what or who will attack. Which means you have to always be prepared. But for what?

To sustain an attack. Of any kind. For any endurance. Of any intensity.

Doesn’t mean you’ll survive, but you can prepare to give yourself improved odds. When I was coaching some hockey I intently focused teams on making sure we accomplished one thing: be tough to play against. Translation: make it really hard on the opponent. That’s what we must do to guard ourselves against all adversity.

Too often we wilt under light pressure. That gives us no chance to thrive. Nature illustrates it. Seeds endure a form of death before they sprout bigger and grander creations. Creatures large and small struggle to be born so life can begin a long journey of resistance against threats on life.

Logically we all understand the value of overcoming adversity. The magic isn’t the adversity. The magic is our growth as we figure out how to endure it and overcome it. From our struggles emerges our strength. A strength we could never build or increase without the pressure of challenge. The attacks of life make us strong enough to move forward and become more than we would have otherwise.

Part of the game – this whole living game – is to stay alive long enough to figure it out. Long enough to become stronger.

Tired doesn’t mean weak. Weariness isn’t equal to defeat.

Gyms all over the world are filled with strong, fit people striving to get more so. And filled with folks who are not so fit and not so strong striving to improve. The process isn’t laugh-out-loud fun. It’s often dreary and dreaded. People do it to get the results: firmer bodies, stronger muscles, lower body fat. In a word, fit. To become more fit.

Fit for what? Well, that depends.

Fit for clothes. Fit for a love connection. Fit for health improvements. All of the above. People have their reasons. Just like we all have our reasons for wanting to endure and survive. We don’t want to live to fight another day. We want to live to fight today. And tomorrow. And the day after that.

When the bullets start flying we want to avoid being hurt. Walking away tired, exhausted, but unhurt is ideal. When my kids were teens I’d constantly encourage them to be safe. Repeatedly I told them I knew they’d make mistakes. I just didn’t want them to make a mistake from which they couldn’t recover. So it goes with our self-protection. If our adversity wrecks us completely – killing us – then the game is over. Happens all the time to millions of people who can’t figure out how to endure the challenges of the day. So they quit. Give up. Resign that success will never happen for them. It’s why failure is so prominent.

We want our adversity to be…well, not so adverse. Our preference would be to walk away unscathed. Not even winded.

But that’s not profitable. We learn nothing from it. Our mental, emotional and psychological muscles grow no stronger.

We need adversity. We just need to handle it so we’re not permanent injured or killed by it. And we need to endure it long enough so we can rest and recover.

Not all fights are the same. Some are fast and over with in a hurry. Others linger on…and on…and on. Some feel like we’re battling thousands and others feel like we’re up against a lone sniper. Some are up close like a knife fight. Others are more long-distance like a drone attack. None of them are comfortable. All of them are threatening.

Be tough to compete against. Just refuse to stop. Don’t quit. I’m not sure much else matters. All those fighting details. Tactics. Strategies. Do they matter? Well, of course. It’d be dishonest to say they don’t matter at all. The question I have is, “Do they make a difference between winning and losing?”

I’m not sure they do. Truly. I’m not.

Rather, I think a person’s hardheadedness (resolve) is the real power of endurance. Navy Seal training involves a very simple device. Ten percent of the training candidates (there are 200 at the beginning) graduate. The rest accept an invitation available to all 200 from the beginning. The invitation to just walk over to a bell and ring it. Ringing the bell signifies quitting. Equivalent to tapping out. Saying, “I’m done.”

The men who would be Seals aren’t men who quit. That’s precisely the point of the training. To find out who refuses to quit. Every candidate is already a talented sailor likely capable of learning whatever needs to be learned. What the Navy doesn’t know is how resilient and hardheaded the sailors are. Which is why the training is critical. Who among the 200 refuses to ring the bell no matter what? The training provides the answer.

Adversity in life does the same thing except we have no bell to ring to tell life, “Okay, stop. I’ve had enough.” Life just keeps on whether you quit or not.

Wait a minute, what?

You heard me. Life keeps on beating you no matter what.

So permit some logic. Why quit? It won’t spare you anything. It won’t make the beatings stop. It just means you’ll stop fighting…getting weaker and weaker…and more injured along the way.

So what does this mean?

It means that adversity’s impact is limited or limitless. You get to decide.

Yes, people die. Sometimes it can’t be stopped. I know countless folks announce they’ve been diagnosed with some awful disease. Then just as quickly they announce how they’ll fight it. And beat it. And then they don’t. Brave speech is easy. Unreasonable brave speech even more so. Your physical life can be taken by some adversity. Maybe the best we can hope for under such dire circumstances is to manage as best we can how we exit. But that’s not even always possible. So we endure just as long as we can.

Thankfully, most adversity won’t eat us. It’ll just try to gum us to death.

Pain tolerance. Discomfort tolerance. It really boils down to not letting discomfort or pain discourage us. Our ability to live with it until we can find time to rest, recuperate and restore our energy.

Step Two: Advance / Push Forward

We need energy to succeed. The only way we get it is by enduring the adversity that makes our armor thin. That’s how we thicken the armor. Armor that shows the tiredness of being in battle has proven its ability to do the job. Human armor has an ability unavailable to a knight’s. It improves and is strengthened.

Armor that shows thinness and tiredness just means one thing. The armor needs rest, restoration and rejuvenation. It doesn’t mean the fight is over. Or that the armor is finished.

There’s the buried lead that I’m so known for in this podcast. When you’re feeling most discouraged, least resilient, unwilling or unable to fight any longer — it’s just a signal. A signal you should not – must not – ignore!

Rest.

Restore.

Recuperate.

Rejuvenate.

These are individual pursuits. And these are precisely the activities most successful people excel. And I’m not talking about wealthy…I’m talking about people who achieve what they most want to achieve. The achievers in life figure out how to best rest, restore, recuperate and rejuvenate so they can advance past the adversity.

Figuring out how to rest, restore, recuperate and rejuvenate is only half the battle. The other half is doing it.

I’ll pick on myself as an example.

Physical rest isn’t easy for me. My entire life has consisted of cat-napping. My circadian rhythm has been weirdly abnormal my entire life. I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t. When I was young I struggled to fall asleep. And to stay asleep. Now I don’t struggle to fall asleep, but staying asleep still evades me. You can almost set a stopwatch to 90 minutes. I’ll fall asleep and within 90 minutes, almost to the minute (regularly), I’m awake. Some nights, that’s it. Other nights, I get up for a few hours and repeat that 90-minute cycle.

Stress and adversity disrupt that even further. And I know – with absolute certainty – that I need to rest. I know when my armor is wearing thin. I notice it long before others do.

My goal is to find restoration before it shows. I don’t always do that and I don’t work nearly as diligently to mask it as I once did. These days I’ll confide in some people, “I’m struggling.” But knowing these things about myself isn’t tantamount to doing much about it.

Of course, it depends on the adversity, too. I joked with a friend the other day that my life decided to wait until I was older and already tired before deep adversity hit me the hardest. So it goes with many of us.

Growing older isn’t for the faint of heart. Old hearts get broken every bit as easily as young ones. Maybe more so. Sadly, there’s not nearly as much time to mend. Which makes our ability to rest and recover more urgent.

I’m back to solitude – that thing I mentioned at the top of the show. For me that’s critical. Remember, I’m introverted. Socializing drains me. Not intimate conversation with close friends. Not helping a person or a couple in a very private way. Those give me energy. But putting on a “hi, how are you?” face at some gathering is the biggest beating I can endure – often far worse than the adversity itself. For me, historically, the challenge has been managing the expectation, especially of judgmental people.

To better manage that I made up my mind a few years ago to not care. I never did care much, but I cared enough that I’d do what was expected – mostly because it was important to mask the thinness of my armor. Over time I figured it just didn’t matter. It certainly didn’t matter to mask it more than it did to shore it up. I mean, logically it made no sense to me. Mask the thinness of your armor and grind it down even further doing something that drains what little energy I’ve got left…OR…forget masking it and get on with rejuvenating it so you can recover. I opted mostly (not always) for the latter.

I still find myself surrendering to impositions that I’d rather avoid. Playing nice. Which is quite easy because neglecting my armor is very easy. Stupid. Foolish. And wrong. But easy.

I’m much more prone to help you with yours. All the while telling you that mine is fine, even though it’s not. These are proofs how our strengths become our weaknesses. My energy levels go higher helping people with their armor. My energy levels go down imposing on others to help me with my own.

It’s hypocrisy of sorts I know. But it is what it is.

Know yourself. It’s the first chore of the rest and recovery step.

Act on it. Post haste. That’s the next chore. The toughest one for me personally. But I’m working on it. Mostly, I do what’s easy. I retreat. Solitude is easy and comfortable for me. Music, writing – these are the two common tools that have been part of my solitude my entire life. Until the Internet was born the writing was only in journals to myself. Well, the only other exception was about 3 years of daily letter writing to Rhonda when we were dating and living 11 hours (by car) apart.

My father has always remarked how he could sit and think of NOTHING. I envy that skill. I don’t have it. So I have to focus on channeling what I’m thinking about. Solitude helps.

And Benadryl. 😉

Sometimes.

The point? Do what you have to do to get your armor back into good, battle-ready condition. It’s too important to neglect. Self-preservation is not selfishness.

Step Three: Endurance / Survival

Now, it’s time to fight again because trouble jumped out from behind that tree and blind-sided you like Kato.

And the process begins all anew. But this time there’s a difference.

You’ve seen this move by adversity before. You experienced the pain and chokehold of this in the past. And you learned what you did poorly the last time. Not this time. This time you’re going to try a new maneuver. Maybe it’ll work. Maybe not.

Doesn’t matter really. You’ll figure it out.

The name of the game is to stay alive long enough to do that – figure it out. Then you’ll be able to rest once more.

You just have to be tenacious. Difficult to fight against. You want to be among the winners.

In simple terms, they’re the 10% who refuse to ring the bell. No matter what.

They just don’t give up.

It’s hard to beat a person that never gives up.   -Babe Ruth

Truth is, you can’t beat a person that never gives up. And now you can think about that black knight in the Holy Grail. No matter that he couldn’t protect the bridge any longer. No matter that his legs were chopped off. And his arms. He was able to heckle King Arthur as he rode off to the sound of banging two coconuts together. 😀

Even in what seemed like sure defeat the black knight had the last laugh.

You will, too.

So when you’re feeling down and out jump and shout, “Hey, hey!”

Why not?

None of us are gettin’ out of here alive anyway. Let’s make it count. And have some fun at adversity’s expense.

Randy

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Cue R.E.M. singing, Losing My Religion.

I’ve said too much.

I haven’t said enough.

The quandary for a communicator.

When my children were young I remember telling them how they were cursed with a father who would likely go to the grave having said too much. I can’t fully explain the urge to connect and communicate with my children. Or anybody else I love. It’s a powerful urge.

One I mostly answer with rare exceptions.

The exceptions are when I sense little or no desire on the part of the other person. I quickly – usually – accept it and allow my introversion to kick into full gear. It’s easy really. To climb into my head and be alone there for extended periods of time.

Faith.

Nothing is more important. Nothing. And for good reason.

Eternity changes everything.

My faith isn’t blind or without compelling evidence. It’s based on the Bible and I know people can hurl barbs against “religion” and faith. It’s fine. I’m not too bothered by it. Mostly, I know how fortunate and blessed I am to have been taught the Truth of God’s Word. I hit the proverbial lottery because I didn’t have to go searching for God or the Truth. It was handed to me on a platinum platter. My wife and I did the same for our children.

Kevin Stevens is a 2-time Stanley Cup winning retired NHL’er. He played with the likes of Mario Lemieux and was an outstanding left winger for the Pittsburg Penguins. He earned over $21 million during his playing career (and that in an era where players didn’t earn many millions per season like today). He squandered it all. Wrecked his health. And his marriage. And his relationship with his kids. And his parents. And the rest of his family. And teammates who loved him.

He hurt everybody who loved him. Mostly, he hurt himself with heavy doses of shame, self-loathing and guilt.

Addiction will do that. Always. 100% of the time.

Every story is uniquely identical. 

Take a human being. Insert drugs – legal or otherwise – and watch the person turn their life completely around. Not in a good way.

180 degrees.

It happens every single time.

I’ve heard stories from dozens of people from all walks of life. All kinds of educational (or lack thereof) backgrounds. People engaged in every kind of work you can imagine. People with strong convictions based on faith and people who never had faith.

Mostly ordinary moral people living decent lives.

Then giving it all up.

Becoming immoral, reckless, selfish, despicable people steeped in shame and embarrassment. But refusing to face it because masking it is easier. Riding on a train track taking their lives into an abyss they never planned. Living in ways they never imagined possible. Finding their lives in a new normal that is deplorable compared to who they once were.

Loving nobody but themselves. Caring about nothing but how victimized they feel by anybody and everybody who has ever loved them.

Lying. Cheating. Stealing. Crawling into ever descending gutters of human choice they can find or create. All the while feeling worse and worse about themselves but unable or unwilling to change their course.

Take any breakable item you’d like. A nice plate. A favorite coffee cup. A bowl. Something you enjoy. Something you find valuable – not necessarily expensive, but something you esteem regularly because you use it and it brings you joy.

Throw it on the floor. Treat it as though it now no longer matters to you. Treat it as though it has betrayed you and made you angry. Break it into as many pieces as possible and see it scattered across the floor. Gone! Destroyed.

Unable to hold your morning coffee.

Unable to hold your favorite breakfast cereal or dessert.

The item you once loved now broken into so many pieces you can’t count them all. And you wonder, “How will I ever get this back together?”

Shattered lives are far more difficult to put back together though.

The glassware doesn’t fight your work to put it back together. People do.

The glassware doesn’t deny being broken. People do.

When a life goes off the rails and shatters, unlike the glassware – it breaks other lives, too. A bowl that hits the floor doesn’t cause the other bowls in the cupboard to break. But a human being does. When a life shatters, those who love that life are broken hearted. It can’t be prevented. It’s the price demanded by love.

Truth. Responsibility.

I’m hard pressed to find two terms that more properly define how we should live if we hope to contribute to humanity and live a meaningful life. These are choices we can make. Refusing them brings us shattered lives, broken hearts and loss of faith, and our soul. Our opportunity to provide light to the world – however much light one life can provide (which is quite a lot actually) – dissipates and eventually disappears when we refuse to choose truth and responsibility.

The alternative choice made by many is to lie to themselves and to others. Liars won’t bear responsibility. So it’s killing two ideals with one choice. An easy path to a wrecked life that corrupts all of us. Think your life has no impact on the rest of the world? That’s the biggest lie of all perhaps.

Lives that refuse to face the truth of themselves and their circumstances are doomed. Hopeless. How can it be anything else when you won’t stare down your problems with a determination to become better.

It’s all about improvement, not perfection.

It’s about growth, not achievement.

It’s about individual commitment to live a good life. A life dedicated to truth to responsibility.

The cause? Well, it can be almost anything. Immaturity. Selfishness. Substance abuse and addiction. Lack of self-control. Misplaced affections. Poor influences.

Whatever the impetus, shattered lives are the domain of accountable people capable of making a choice. In other words, they’re without excuse. It doesn’t mean there aren’t contributing reasons, but it means people willing to shatter their lives leaned into those reasons, opting to use them as excuses. In that regard, they choose to be victims. Victims of their own choosing. Even though they most often don’t see it that way. No surprise…because truth and responsibility don’t define how they live. They prefer lies, dishonesty, and fault-finding.

What do you do with a shattered life? It depends. On whose life it is.

If it’s yours, you get whatever help you must. I’m not bold enough (or crazy enough) to tell you to buck up and do what you must to get things fixed. Would that it were that easy. But it’s not. Ever.

We like smooth, easy, quick answers to really complex problems. It’s not realistic and often does more harm. Lives are complicated. Our problems are complex.

People can help us. But not until we’re ready.

Some people claim bravery is the first step, but bravery is quite a ways up the road from where the journey begins. It begins with some realization that this ain’t working. It’s that whole “coming to yourself” magic that every person must experience before growth or improvement can happen. Until we come to ourselves and realize the current habits of our life are not working to serve us – or anybody else who loves us – nothing is going to change. We’re closed off to any opportunity to become better human beings until our guilt, shame and whatever else we’re feeling is more than we can or want to handle. Hence, that proverbial rock bottom.

Others can see how shattered our lives are, but we’re always going to be the last to know. It’s the counter leadership phenomenon. Great leaders see the future first. Shattered lives see the truth last. It’s why people who eventually come to themselves all say (100% of them), “I can’t believe that was me!” They couldn’t see it even though everybody else could. By the time they see it, the shattering has likely gone on for quite some time wrecking everything in its path.

If the shattered life is somebody else’s – there’s nothing you can do to actively change it. It’s not your life. What you see doesn’t matter. It only matters what they see. Letting people we love shatter their life is difficult, but not really – because we’re powerless to stop them. Letting them go and enduring their bitterness toward people they’ve known and loved all their life is hard, but you can’t do one thing to prevent it. Shattered lives are built on lies, finger-pointing, excuse-making and not facing the truth. Don’t waste your time trying to figure it out because it’s a superior level of delusion that only other shattered lives see or understand.

Until the fog lifts.

Unless the fog lifts.

It doesn’t always lift. Sometimes the fog consumes people and they’re lost forever. The lucky and blessed ones hit some point in their lives where they give some consideration to an alternative. It’s why some people recovering from a shattered life express it like this…

“I suddenly thought, ‘What am I doing?'”

When life is so broken we look in the mirror and realize it’s us – we’ve done this – then we’re beginning to make a decision to lean into the truth. But only when we’re sick of the lies.

Shattered lives are wasted lives. Sadly, the waste isn’t confined to their life. Every shattered life has shattered the lives of people who care about them. Broken hearts are scattered in the wake of every shattered life.

Sadness. Shame. Embarrassment. Guilt. It’s all part of the territory owned by the shattered life. Again, it’s complicated. But the shattered life is so delusion-based it forces the remedy to be more complicated than it truly is. Again, it’s the polar opposite of great leadership.

Great leaders break down problems into the simplest terms so the solution can be quickly implemented. It’s one way great leaders are able to see the future first. They’ve solved the problem in their mind before they ever take any action.

The shattered life works in exactly the opposite way. The shattered life can’t see things for what they really are until everybody else has seen it first. They see it last. Largely because in their delusion they’ve overcomplicated everything. In their head, they’ve traveled too far down the road to change it. Their guilt and shame seem unfixable. They can’t break it down into the simplest terms so they can get started. So they don’t start. They continue to do what they did to shatter their life, spiraling down lower and lower. In search for the bottom.

Broken hearts know that bottom is relative. And there are no maps. For too many the bottom is death. Often by their own hands. Again, it’s the inability to see a solution to a problem that can be fixed.

Love leaves. First, it leaves a shattered life. When a life breaks love is a casualty. Love of self. Love of others. And very quickly, love of God because God IS love.

Peace and joy leave, too. Because those accompany truth and love.

Something has to fill that void left by the absence of love, peace and joy. Enter selfishness and the constant, never-satisfied pursuit to feel better. Just something else contributing to the delay of coming to oneself. Behaviors that shove the shattered life to the back of the line in recognizing the cause of the destruction.

Life goes from bad to worse, but momentary relief comes with an intense focus on every bad event, circumstance or mistreatment. Life morphs into a running scoreboard where every injustice is cataloged and relived. “See? That’s why it’s not my fault.”

Nevermind that 100% of humanity have endured countless injustices, bad events, misfortune, and poor treatment. Thankfully, not everybody concentrates on the negative. Many are able to stare down the poorest of circumstances and make the declaration, “That won’t define me.”

Giving up on God isn’t so surprising because the shattered life has first given up on themselves. It doesn’t appear so, at first, but it’s in essence what has happened. The shattered life abandons wisdom, responsibility and truth. With nothing else to lose and nobody else left to blame (because they’ve now run out of fingers with which to point), they aim as high as possible. Heaven. God.

It’s God’s fault. God did this to them.

All because they can’t see life – their life – for what it truly is.

All because they give themselves over to lies and deceit.

Jesus told a story in Luke 16:19-31 “Now there was a certain rich man, and he was clothed in purple and fine linen, faring sumptuously every day: and a certain beggar named Lazarus was laid at his gate, full of sores, and desiring to be fed with the crumbs that fell from the rich man’s table; yea, even the dogs came and licked his sores. And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and that he was carried away by the angels into Abraham’s bosom: and the rich man also died, and was buried. And in Hades he lifted up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am in anguish in this flame. But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and Lazarus in like manner evil things: but now here he is comforted, and thou art in anguish. And besides all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed, that they that would pass from hence to you may not be able, and that none may cross over from thence to us. And he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou wouldest send him to my father’s house; for I have five brethren; that he may testify unto them, lest they also come into this place of torment. But Abraham saith, They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them. And he said, Nay, father Abraham: but if one go to them from the dead, they will repent. And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, if one rise from the dead.”

There are some interesting facts brought out in this story. One, the rich man was blind. He didn’t see things as they truly were. His life was devoted to the delusion that this life was all about serving himself. He was successful, or so he thought. Shattered lives see life the same way. “I’m doing what I want.” Shattered lives serve only themselves and they think it’s just fine.

Two, the rich man didn’t think about God and Judgment until he understood he had it all wrong. Eternity changes things. Fact is, it changes everything. You don’t have to believe in God if you don’t want to. It doesn’t impact God’s existence. Or your ultimate accountability for how you live. Believe what you want. Deny what you want. Makes no bit of difference to the facts. Your lies don’t change anything except your vision to see things as they truly are. Just like this rich man.

Three, he knew there were no do-overs for him, but he didn’t want his brothers to end up in this same fate. Lost. He begged that the beggar Lazarus be sent back to earth from the grave to warn them.

Four, the BIG truth. Shattered lives won’t listen to anybody, even if somebody came back from the dead to warn them. The hard-headed blindness of the shattered life can’t be repaired by an outside influencer. It can only be fixed when the shattered life makes the declaration, “I want to see things as they really are. No matter how painful it may be to see it.”

Truth. That’s the only fix. And when truth is embraced…other things enter to help repair the damage done. Love. Peace. Forgiveness. Joy. These replace guilt, shame, embarrassment, resentment, blame and bitterness. Hardly seems like a fair fight, right? That’s because those of us who see it accurately are leaning toward wisdom. We see it, but those shattered lives that are part of our life break out hearts and lay us low. Vexing us with the nagging question, “Why can’t they see it?”

I have no answer. They just can’t. Better said, they just won’t see it.

It’s hard to look at the mess we make. Harder still to admit that we broke it.

But here’s the truth. When and if the shattered life can decide to look at it and own it…EVERYTHING IMPROVES. It’s the only path back. And depending on the depth and breadth of the shattering (which can be quite extensive), everything – EVERYTHING – is infinitely improved from what it was when the shattering just continued day after day. Not everything can be fixed, but shattered lives can be put back together. Repairs can be made. Forgiveness granted. Goodness restored. You’d think the upside would be apparent, but again, blindness is complete and total when you’re life is shattered.

Until you want to see.

Until you want to see the truth.

Until you’re ready to stare at it without blinking.

Until you’re ready to accept the fact that there’s no future in living a lie. No goodness. No love. No forgiveness. No remedy for guilt, shame and embarrassment.

Control. Restoration is about accepting control of our own life. Warts and all. Reclaiming our life is about realizing we alone shoulder the burden of crafting the quality of our life.

Gratitude. Restoration is also about recognizing how blessed we are. Shattered lives don’t experience any gratitude. But restored lives are filled with it. Consider the life of the Apostle Paul. If any man serving God faithfully could complain of his lot in life, it was Paul. But he was too busy counting his blessings. Too busy be appreciative of the opportunity the Lord gave him. Too busy being grateful for what awaited him after life here.

Long term. Restoration isn’t about short-term thinking. Shattered lives working toward repair are committed to the long haul. Life can be shattered in a moment. Restoration can take a lifetime. But your life will be as long as it’s going to be anyway, so you may as well devote your time to restoration and stop breaking your life. It’s like a person going to work every day from 9 to 5 and hating every second of it. Hating it won’t make it better. You’ve got to spend 9 to 5 there anyway…you may as well work harder to enjoy it, especially if you’re unable or unwilling to change it.

Hope is a wonderful thing. Shattered lives have given up on that, too. The list of good things sacrificed by shattered lives just keeps growing longer and longer as the person remains devoted to their broken life. Truth. Love. Joy. Peace. Forgiveness. Responsibility. Accountability. Hope. Such a high price!

In recent months I’ve been focused on forgiveness. Namely, how intently God wants to grant it because God is happy when He’s got the opportunity to forgive us. Why? Because He loves us.

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have eternal life.”

2Pet. 3:9 “The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some count slackness; but is longsuffering to you-ward, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.”

Shattered lives won’t see any of this. Because they can’t see they’re shattered.

In the meantime, those of us who love somebody with a shattered life…we endure the grief and knowledge that our vision does nothing to help them. But it curses us with the truth of having to watch them head straight for a crash. We pray they survive the crash and emerge willing to finally see things as they are. We pray they reach a place where they’re ready to give up all the dark horrors for the light.

Hope can be restored. So can love. Along with joy and peace. Responsibility and accountability. Faith, too. But only if truth precedes it all. Which means honesty must rule the moment, the day and all of life.

Shattered lives prepared to find mending decide that the cost of their actions is excessive. The sacrifices are too great. Too much downside, no upside.

Talk with people who surround the mended shattered life and you see as much joy among them as anybody. People who have patiently and anxiously waited for the person to come to themselves. And now people who couldn’t be happier if it had been their own life mended. It’s the compassion friends and family feel. People whose hearts were broken, but are now mended.

Shattered gives way to put back together.

Broken gives way to being mended.

Lost gives way to being found.

Randy