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She is Molly Tuttle and her newest record is When You’re Ready. On it there’s a song, “Make My Mind Up.” Prior to this album, she was very bluegrass-ey. She’s a talented guitarist and singer. And songwriter. This song formed a bit of an earworm when I first heard it. Click play on the YouTube video of it and you’re liable to not get it out of your head for a while.

As usual a lyric got my mind going. Rolling it over and over. “If I could ever make my mind up…”

You know I’ve been fascinated over the last few years about our brains. Particularly, how we change our minds. How we change our thinking. All that neuro-science voodoo that I’m struggling to understand.

It’s hard to beat a guy when he’s got his mind made up that he’s going to win.          – Muhammad Ali

We consider it a quality of high character when a person has made up their mind. It denotes determination. Being settled. And that’s good.

Well, it can be. But it can also be dangerous when a mind is made up about something that’s wrong, untrue, destructive or damaging.

I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.                     – Rosa Parks

A made up mind can be powerfully positive, helping us advance toward honest, desirable goals that benefit us and others.

A mind made up can also be powerfully destructive, preventing us from listening, understanding and growing beyond some prejudiced assumption. Or preventing us from realizing the harm we’re bringing to ourselves and others.

On one hand, it can appear equal to tenacity, stick-to-it-iveness. Or it can appear to be self-serving stubbornness. And it’s possible for it to be either of those. Or many other shades of gray on the scale of good for us versus bad for us. We’ll call it the foolish versus wisdom scale given the title of this podcast.

It’s not just possible, but probable that sometimes our minds are made up toward foolishness. It’s not likely we see it that way, but maybe we’re not seeing it for what it is.

A scripture leaps to mind.

Ephesians 1:17-19 “that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power…” New King James Version (NKJV)

All human beings have experienced having our understanding enlightened. The little kid who learns something for the first time. The teenager who learns to drive. The aspiring musician who learns to play an instrument. The first year attorney who learns to navigate the court systems. The first year chemist who learns how to operate in a commercial lab. Our lives are filled with firsts that serve to enlighten our understanding.

At my work-related podcast – Grow Great – I regularly use the acronym LUG. It stands for Learning, Understanding, Growing. It’s what I hope to inspire in every business person who listens to that podcast. I’m aspiring to do it. Not really difficult for a person who needs to learn as much I know I need to. 😉

Business people fixate sometimes on their blind spots, fretful about what they don’t know, or what they can’t see. Sadly, too few do much about it other than worry. I wish it was restricted to just business people, but it’s not. I suspect most of us roam the planet with self-imposed blinders on making sure we see things the way we prefer to see them. Nevermind that we may have it wrong. Or that other facts may enlighten our understanding. Some of us don’t want to be enlightened. We enjoy (even embrace) our biases.

A closed mind can serve as protection I suppose. Or a roadblock. Depending on how you look at it. When it’s our mind, it’s protection. Or wisdom. When it’s somebody else’s, it’s a roadblock. Foolishness.

Self-deception is such a killer!

A husband exhorts his wife, “Will you make up your mind?”

A wife chastizes her husband, “Just make up your mind already!”

We want decisive. Until it’s a decision that conflicts with our judgment. Or our opinion. Or our assumptions. Then, we’d prefer you to change your mind. Right away.

Self-awareness is such a gift. A blessing. A reward for the deep inner searching demanded in order to obtain it.

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Late stage epiphany. That’s what it is.

The lateness is life. My life. Not that it’s too late. It’s just later than it’s ever been. Later perhaps than it should’ve been. But it is what it is.

The stage is also my life. This moment in time. This phase of my life.

Epiphany – it’s what I’m always in search of. I don’t often find one, but even a blind pig…every now and again. Thankfully I’ve had a few along the way. One of the very biggest happened on July 2, 1975. I was 18. She was, too. It was our first date and we’ve been together ever since. Who says teenagers can’t make wise choices? Or have an epiphany? But I was always wise for my age. Now my age has caught up to my wisdom. So there’s that.

I’ve not had many epiphanies since, but when you have one big life-changing one, then waiting a while for the next — well, it’s okay. And I’m patient.

For the past 3 years or so I’ve been immersing myself in books and articles about neuroscience. Mostly, I’m interested in how we can improve our thinking. But along the way I’ve become increasingly interested in how our wiring can be impacted – positively and negatively. Substances can play a major role – drugs (legal or otherwise) and alcohol. BIG PLAYERS! Because opioids have affected people I love I’ve become deeply curious about their impact. It’s beyond startling to me and I only have a very shallow understanding of it. But what I do know scares me a lot. Brain chemistry is a real thing and can be quite fragile, especially when subjected to external influences that should likely be more severely restricted (somehow).

People being people – we want to get away from pain and sadly, too many of us find that relief through drugs, alcohol and bad behavior (temporary fixes for problems we too often refuse to successfully address). I see the cycle afflict people. Behave foolishly and selfishly. Feel good in the moment. Then guilt and shame sets in sparking even more foolish and selfish behavior…all to chase some moment of not feeling awful about oneself. At some point the emptiness becomes real and the miserable human being knows nothing but an ongoing commitment to their own misery. Besides, it’s not their fault. Their family did it to them. Their friends. The world. Everybody and everything is to blame, but not them. So it goes when one loses their mind to wasting their life. I’m interested in how to prevent that and how to help it. Mostly, I’m interested in how we can lose our mind – whatever thinking is hindering our growth, improvement, and progress – and embrace new thinking so we can achieve more and improve our life. It’s about figuring out how we can more closely achieve our ideal self.

The past haunts us. All of us.

And it doesn’t have to be dreadful. Or excruciatingly painful. It can be quite ordinary. Ordinary lives are filled with pain, suffering, and heartache. Enough pain to haunt us all of our lives. If we let it.

Two choices present themselves. To all of us. Every single day. Every hour. Every minute.

We can embrace the past, accepting it as the very definition of who and what we are. All the scars can become our identity. A past we refuse to outrun.

Yes, it requires our permission, but that’s a tad too simple. Have you ever subscribed to something that has auto-renewal built into it? If you don’t remember to cancel it, they ding your credit card again. That’s how this permission works. It’s subtle. Deceptive even.

This choice centers on seeing ourselves as victims of our past. Whatever has happened to us is beyond our control. We were put upon by somebody or something. And it created an outcome we neither choose or desired. Now we’re stuck with the experience.

And it will most certainly impact our future because whatever visions we have of ourselves are based on our past. Our future story is going to be the same or similar to our past story. Once a victim, always a victim.

The other choice we could make – the more difficult one for many – is to see our past as temporary. Something or many somethings that happened to us, perhaps beyond our control, but it was temporary. That was then, this is now.

These 2 choices boil down to pessimism versus optimism. A fatalistic view of our past where we think the universe has conspired against us will work with extraordinary precision to have us create a future that’s congruent with that past. Losing becomes a habit.

A more temporary view of problems and setbacks – “it happens to everybody” – fosters resilience to see past the adversity to who we truly believe ourselves to be, a person fully capable of overcoming it. Perhaps we contributed to it, perhaps not. No matter. Live and learn. Figure out a way to leverage it to success. Or greater success.

These are learned. I don’t dispute that we’re all likely wired more toward one view or the other, but I rather think our early years have a major impact. Children learning to walk don’t fall down and assume that’s their permanent outcome. “Why can’t I walk? All the other little kids are able to.” Said no prospective toddler ever!

Falling is part of the process of learning how to get it right. They’re too young to know differently. We’re too old and too smart to know they’re idiots. 😉

We’ve learned too much. Outsmarted ourselves into victimization. Learned that those past experiences are destined to become our future, too. Why not? Look at the present. There’s no way our future is going to be any different.

What if we’re wrong?

What if our past has only the power we give it?

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Last Sunday on CBS’ 60 Minutes there were three stories. The first featured a Mississippi attorney, Mike Moore, who beat big tobacco in a class action lawsuit decades ago. Today, he’s taking aim at the opioid epidemic including the manufacturers and the distributors responsible for what he calls the big “pill spill” in America. The second story was about Ben Ferencz, the 97-year-old who helped prosecute the Nazi war crimes in the famous trials of Nuremberg. The 3rd story was about wildlife photographer extraordinaire Thomas D. Mangelsen.

Three very different people. A class-action attorney. An international war crimes attorney. A wildlife photographer.

Three different passions. A man seeking to hold companies and people accountable for putting profits before people. A man seeking peace over war. A man seeking to chronicle, document and protect wildlife.

The youngest of them was 67. The oldest was pushing 100.

These men had devoted their lives to their cause pursuing these passions since they were young. None were taking aim at building personal wealth. All were still hotly chasing the thing they had been chasing most of their careers. As Mr. Ferencz said about his old personal passion and empathy about the people killed during the Holocaust, “I’m still churning.” It seems to me all three of these men are still churning.

The interesting thing is all of these very mature men are daily pursuing still. They’re proud of the accomplishments of the past, but each of them is moving forward attempting to daily conquer new challenges. The past is an important chapter – or chapters! But that was then, this is now. And they’re looking at the future.

Each man is accomplished. It’d be easy to sit back and say, “Look at what I’ve done.” I know we often focus on past failures and let that define our future failures. But it could work with success, too. Complacency would be easy for each of these guys. But they’re not dwelling on the past.

Question: If high achievers like these guys don’t use the past to define their present or future, then why should you? Especially if you’re thinking of past failures. If past success isn’t worth dwelling on too much, then should we dwell on past failures?

None of these men believed their past was permanent. While the stories focused on their successful accomplishments, I surmise none of them thought their past failures were permanent either.

Proof that the journey is the thing. The process matters.

We’re all writing books. The chapters matter, but they’re not the whole story. Past chapters brought us to where we are, but honestly – that’s what they are. Contributors to bring us to the present. Foundations to build whatever present and future we want.

When you live in a pro sports town like Dallas you’re exposed to constant media about the athletes in your town playing for the hometown teams and those players who oppose them. When big-name players retire you see and hear the emotion of reasonably young people (most are under 40) who now have to leave a sport they’ve played since they were little kids. Quite a few struggle to write new chapters to follow that. It’s understandable. Because their whole identity is wrapped up in being that athlete. If we had conversation bubbles above our heads like comic book characters theirs would say, “Now what?” They struggle to find and create a new identity. Those who go on to continue high achievement don’t let the past define their future. Many who struggle find themselves unable to outlive their past. It’s the peak of their life that they’ll never replicate. Or fear they’ll never replicate. And most are still in their 30s.

In the early 80s I read a story about Buzz Aldrin, one of the first astronauts to walk on the moon. He struggled with clinical depression and alcoholism afterward. Some speculated that Aldrin had always wanted to be an astronaut and making it to the moon was such a pinnacle…perhaps he struggled with, “Now what?” I don’t know, but I do know such a fantastic accomplish could derail any of us if we based our future on our past instead of our imagination. Aldrin’s imagination fueled his arrival to the moon. Just like it has fueled every child’s imagination to one day play their favorite sport professionally.

Futures are too often determined – or limited – by the past.

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One decision.

Not to put pressure on ourselves, but to understand how powerful we can be. How we can impact our destiny. How our choices determine our outcomes.

Today it’s about just one decision. One very difficult, but helpful decision.

To not let the past – no matter how atrocious or terrific it’s been – define your future.

To instead embrace your imagination to define it.

Well, would that it were that easy. It’s not. It could be. But it’s not. If it were we’d all do it.

There’s a reason we don’t. Because we don’t believe it.

Our past has crippled our understanding. It has painted us in a corner. More accurately, we’ve put ourselves in the corner and surrounded ourselves by our past. Now we’re using it as a pattern – a template – for the present and future chapters of our life.

I own a piece of software for writers called Scrivener. Like other word processing software, including Word, it has a gallery. One for fiction, others for non-fiction, screenplays and so forth. These templates provide a pattern to follow for whatever the user may be writing. It’s designed to make it easier to craft that particular style of writing.

Our brains work like that. Well, they can. It can serve us. Things like pattern recognition help us see things more clearly. And understand them more deeply.

Simultaneously they can stick us causing us to reject other viewpoints. Or blinding us to notice things outside the known template. When I’m using the fiction template for Scrivener I’m not even able to see the non-fiction template. That’s the benefit (or downside). It can keep you focused. By limiting options.

It’s super effective. That limiting power is what can hinder our efforts to create a more positive future.

Instead, what we should do is limit the power of our past instead of allowing our past to limit us.

This is why it’s difficult for people to make quantum leaps. It’s just too easy for us to get stuck where we are. Or where we’ve been. It’s familiar. Perhaps habitual. Maybe even comfortable. Known.

Sometimes for grins and conversation, I’ll ask people if they have a number. A number that represents their ideal income. It sparks insightful conversation.

It’s quite curious the specific numbers people mention. And why they narrow down to a precise number.

No matter what number people mention I’ll ask, “Why that number? What will that number do that another number won’t?”

Those conversations reveal what people think is possible even if they aspire to a number that may be well beyond any amount they’ve ever earned. Truth is, most people don’t name some fantasical number. Mostly, people name a number that is quite reasonable even if they’ve never achieved it. I suppose most of us are more comfortable being reasonable and just stretching ever so slightly.

That’s why the person who earns $50K a year lists $60K a year is their number. Or the person earning $70K might say $90K is their number.

There’s nothing empirical about it. It’s just some random conversation, but it still intrigues me. Grandiose people can list some gigantic number, but dig a bit deeper and they’ll almost always admit it’s just a dream number. A fascination with the notion of winning the lottery or something.

July 1st is known by some as Bobby Bonilla Day because of the retired baseball player’s contract that pays him over $1 million a year through 2035 even though he hasn’t played for almost 20 years. We can all imagine what that could be like, but only those who earn that amount or close to it annually can really imagine it. So we could flippantly say our number is $1 million a year. But could we conceive of it? Really? Well, of course not. It’s unknown to us.

The bigger issue is – can we imagine it deeply enough to consider that our lives have been filled with firsts. Things we’ve never done before. We learned to walk, talk, read, write, do math and a host of other things that we had never ever done before. But we figured it out. Largely because we assumed we could. Never mind that it was unchartered territory for us. We likely took those things for granted – that in time we’d get it right.

Can you get your imagination wrapped around taking it for granted that you can achieve something you’ve never achieved before?

Naivate may be critical. Positive naivate.  

Life taught us to stop being naive. As kids, we didn’t know better. Our minds weren’t limited by anything. Our imaginations fueled all kinds of adventures and excitement. We built forts in the woods. We built rafts to float in the nearby lake. We build carts to roll down that big hill at the end of the street. We built treehouses so we could be up high. All because our lives weren’t filled with what we couldn’t do, but rather with what might be possible.

Summer days were filled with grand possibilities. We’d sit around laying flat on our backs looking up at the clouds pass by asking each other, “What if we _________?” And we’d dream of doing something. If enough of us agreed, we’d give it a go. More often than not we’d do it. It may not have always turned out to the prettiest thing ever built, but no matter…we did it. Something we’d never done before. We tried. So what if that raft didn’t float? We didn’t care. Dreaming of it and building it was the fun. Getting it to the water, too. Pushing it into the water only to see it sink quicker than anything else we’d ever pushed into the water…well, that was just a bonus! 😀

Sometimes we’d go back to the drawing board. Mostly, we moved on and went in a completely different direction. The past didn’t matter. It was another story we could tell. “Remember when we built that raft?” Nobody was keeping score of our wins or losses. We were all keeping score of our adventures. It was our life. As kids. An adventure.

Then we grew up. Life beat the adventure out of us. And made sure we focused on our failures by keeping score. And rubbing our noses in it. Instead of remembering the adventure – life taught us to, “Remember when you tried that last and it failed? You don’t want to experience that again, do you?” So we cautiously answer, “Oh, no. You’re right. I’d best not try that again. Better to just stay right here where it’s safe.”

We grew increasingly afraid. Fearful to even try.

Fearful to imagine.

Fearful to even consider what earning an extra $10K a year might be like.

Fearful to even think of aiming for that job that our head is telling us we’ll never get.

Fearful to consider that the song we wrote might be made fun of if we dare post it online anywhere.

Fearful to think that the limits of our life are self-imposed.

Because it’s easier to think it’s not our fault. Which means it’s not our responsibility. Which means we’re not accountable for why things turn out as they do.

Life did this to us. We’re merely passengers riding along to the driving of something else. Something else. All of us aimlessly directed by forces beyond our control. Destined to be lucky or unlucky. Blessed or not blessed.

Really?

Is that really what we think?

We must. Because that’s how many of us live. Like puppets unable to decide what must be decided. Or do what must be done. Yet powerful enough to decide to do nothing, venture nothing, gain nothing and make sure we ride out our days as victims of a fate we didn’t choose.

All the while, blind that we did choose it. It was completely our choice. We picked it, committed to it and made it so. Then were unhappy with the outcome. All because we refused to more clearly see how the real world works. All because we decided it was easier, safer or whatever else…to think something wasn’t possible. The improbable grew into impossible. Over time our imaginations shrunk. Then they shriveled. Then they died.

Along with it. Our future. And our present.

Imprisoned by our past. And our foolish notion that the last chapter, or that chapter a few chapters ago most accurately defined our entire life. Never giving due consideration to the truth that it wasn’t a chapter at all, but rather a sentence. A paragraph. Maybe a page. Not a chapter. Certainly not the whole story.

Years roll by and we repeat it then happily recite with confidence, pointing to our failures or limitations, “See, I told you so.”

Confidence. Few things impress me more these days when it comes to the elements we need to move forward. Confidence.

Not bravado. Not ego. Not selfishness. Not self-righteousness. Not a feeling of superiority. Not harsh judgment.

Confidence.

The kind of confidence a pack of kids once had to think we could build a fort in the woods that would be a cool place to hang out. And we did it.

The kind of confidence a bunch of kids once had to think we go play football in the vacant lot and have fun. So we did.

The kind of confidence we once had to know that if we were going to have fun, then it was up to us to create us because our parents weren’t going to do it for us.

The kind of confidence born of boredom and imagination.

So we became whatever we dreamt we could become. And built whatever we dreamed could be built. Nobody was going to stop us. Nobody tried. If they did, I don’t remember. I couldn’t hear them.

Until I got older…

Randy

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The title is a lyric from the newest Jamestown Revival record, San Isabel. The song is, “This Too Shall Pass.”

For those of you interested – and some of you are – here’s some music I’m listening to at the moment…in addition to this new Jamestown Revival record.

The Hunts – Darlin’ Oh Darlin’ (2018)

The Hollering Pines – Long Nights, Short Lives and Spilled Chances (2013)

The Bones of J.R. Jones – The Bones of J.R. Jones (2019) – he is Jonathon Robert Linaberry but performs as The Bones of J.R. Jones (he’s a solo artist)

Rickie Lee Jones – Kicks (2019)

American Aquarium – Wolves (2015)

Kylie Rae Harris – Kylie Rae Harris EP (2019)

And of course, I’m listening to the usual suspects as well. Mandolin Orange is still aways a big player. Anderson East, Jade Bird, James Morrison and Josh Ritter. There’s so much good music.

Music and solitude go hand in hand for me. And writing. Sometimes drawing, which more closely resembles doodling these days.

All this listening to music violates the true meaning of solitude – which is defined by psychology in a way not quite to my liking.

Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely.

The authors of a book, Lead Yourself First, give a more detailed definition that I rather like.

Solitude is a state of mind, a space where you can focus on your own thoughts without distraction, with a power to bring mind and soul together in clear-eyed conviction.

Simply put, it’s freedom from distraction. Technically listening to music violates the definition I suppose. But I count it anyway. Lyrics and melodies provoke thoughts, but I consider that a positive distraction. It feeds my solitude. It’s part of rest, restoration and rejuvenation.

A Coat Of Armor

We all have one. Because we all need one. Every now and again.

Truthfully, I think we need one more often than not. Sorta like being fully clothed. We spend most of our time being fully clothed. Okay, I won’t get into a modesty debate just here, but you know what I mean. 😉

Not many people see me running around in my boxers and a t-shirt. It’s a select few.

So it is with exposing ourselves sans armor. It’s just not safe most of the time.

Armor is protection. You’re likely thinking of the armor worn by knights in medieval days. Or maybe you’re thinking of the body armor worn by today’s soldiers or law enforcement officers. Here in Texas, you could even be thinking of armadillos.

We need armor to protect against attacks. From people intending to harm us.

Armor can also signify resilience, our ability to protect ourselves against adversity. Circumstances. Events. People. Situations.

It’s not bad. It’s necessary. And part of how we all must live our lives.

Introversion Versus Extroversion

Of all the personality traits these seem the most talked about. They’re the biggest elephants in the room often used to describe ourselves or others.

I can only speak to my own introversion, which is part of my armor. Just like an extrovert deploys that quality as part of her armor.

My introversion appears quite frequently like extroversion. Somebody smarter than me will have to explain it. My way of looking at it is based on my internal energy. When my armor is weakened, I retreat. It’s one way I can refuel and attempt to fortify myself. Attempt being the operative word. 😉

I suspect extroverts do the opposite. When their armor is weakened, they likely seek the company of others in their effort to recharge and renew strength.

Such is the individual nature of our armor – whatever characteristics and qualities make up our armor are largely individual to us. While it’s true that we’re much more alike than not, it’s the subtle nuances of our personalities that make us US.

In medieval days a big part of the armor was the shield. You could judge a knight by his shield. It was a primary identifier. For whom is this knight fighting? Who and what does he represent?

Our armor, including whatever we use as a shield, does the same for us. Who we are and whom (or what) we serve is shown by the armor we bear.

Protecting Us From What?

I make no argument against our need to protect ourselves. Of course we need to. The question is, “From what?”

Hurt. Pain. Suffering. Embarrassment. Shame.

Love. Intimacy. Commitment.

Fears, both universal and individual, impact us unlike anything else. From paralysis to going off the deep end. Our fears propel us toward foolishness and delusion and they put our feet in cement simultaneously.

Wrangling fear is hard work. Worthwhile, but hard.

When we’re able to harness appropriate fear it can catapult us toward wisdom. When we don’t – or can’t – it shoves us down the whitewater rapids of foolishness.

But there’s all that inappropriate or inaccurate fear. Our false fears. Our false assumptions. Our beliefs or disbelief. Mostly about ourselves and what’s possible.

Anxiety, too. It’s often as formidable a foe as fear. For some, more so.

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

Anxiety is a glory hog. Loves to get all the press. Anxiety is the Kardashian of human emotions.

Protecting vital organs with body armor and one’s skull with a helmet is easier – and more effective – than whatever armor we can deploy to protect our minds (and synonymously, our hearts).

During the 1960s, the United States failed to engage in a “Hearts and Minds” campaign in Vietnam. In 1974 a famous documentary of that war bore the same title, “Hearts And Minds.” The notion is that it’s more effective to win over an opponent with intellectual and emotional appeal than to try to merely subdue them with physical or military strength. That didn’t happen in Vietnam. Brute force didn’t work and the war was a catastrophic failure.

What about your heart and mind? How might you protect them from your own devices or the devices of others?

And when your armor gets tired and is wearing thin, can you fortify it? Or does it just fail never to be returned to a more effective protective state?

Here’s the thing about heart and mind protection. The question is the answer.

Our best – in fact, our only – armor or protection is our heart and mind. There is simply no other protection available. What we think and what we feel are everything!

Spiritually and morally I was always encouraged to “guard your heart.” I knew it meant to lean on my Faith and the Truth of God’s Word to protect myself from the various temptations and behaviors that might rob my faith.

Phil. 4:7 “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.”

Chael Sonnen is an MMA commentator who tells the story of how boxing and mixed martial artist bouts began to use the pre-fight instruction, “Protect yourself at all times.”

Our coat of armor is dependant on us. Period. We’re responsible to protect ourselves at all times. It doesn’t matter if we hear a bell or not. It doesn’t matter if the opponent stops swinging at us, or if the opponent is momentarily out of sight. Protect yourself at all times.

Because if you don’t – you’re liable to get knocked out.

A coat of armor can become fatigued resulting in…well, less protection. It makes us susceptible to blows even if we are trying to protect ourselves at all times. And forget about trying harder. What does that even mean? How do you do it?

A wiser strategy is to shore up the armor’s weak spots. Or maybe better yet…to ditch the old armor and to get new.

Let’s talk a bit about armor. What does our protection look like? What exactly is it? Until we know that, how can we know how to shore it up or replace it?

There’s lots of empty advice out there. Things like, “Don’t allow someone to affect your moods, thoughts, preferences, opinions, or plans.” That’s an actual quote from a respected psychology site. Great advice…if you know how to do it. Empty advice for the millions of us who have no idea.

Before you think I’m here to offer some wisdom previously unknown…hold your horses. I’m not that smart, wise or creative. I am thoughtful, mindful and compassionate though. This is insanely difficult work and therapists worldwide have calendars filled with people seeking professional help to figure it out for themselves.

Nothing is more complex than our mind.

Nothing is more powerful to help us than our own mind.

Nothing is more powerful to destroy us than our own mind.

Nothing is more difficult to manage or control than our mind.

So should we just throw up our hands (and our breakfast) and start waving the white flag of surrender? Hardly.

We should assume the aggressive, yet protective stance of a ninja warrior. Or whatever comic book hero you most admire, if that’s your thing. I’ll envision myself as one of the knights of the roundtable in King Arthur’s court. Not the dark knight of Monty Python’s Quest For the Holy Grail…although you must admire his tenacity in the face of brutal defeat!

Perhaps that depiction is too aggressive. Is it too offensive and not defensive enough to suit you? Maybe. But perhaps there’s some truth that can help us.

We think of armor or protection as defensive. And it is. But for what end?

Do we protect ourselves to simply survive or so we can fight back successfully? Are we trying to win or merely withstand the attack?

That depends on who you are and how you choose to live. Some are willing to endure and withstand. They feel victorious by weathering the storm. Forget counter-punching. Like a turtle going inside the shell, they just want to hide until the attack is over.

That’d be an effective strategy if we just had to endure one attack. Or one attack every now and again. But life isn’t quite so kind. Attacks continue. Mostly they’re ongoing.

We must fight back. Or be killed. Metaphorically, of course. Or perhaps actually – realistically. Some attacks can kill us. Illness, injury, abuse. It’s the ugly, deadly side of attacks and attackers. They come from EVERYWHERE.

Physical. Mental. Emotional.

Back to our armor and its purpose.

I think of it in three stages, even though it’s really a two-step process where step one becomes step 3. Think of it as a two-step cycle.

The podcast title is Leaning TOWARD Wisdom so it implies forward progress toward wisdom. That means if we don’t advance, then we’re not progressing.

Step One: Endurance / Survival

You’ve got to live long enough. It’s the first priority.

You don’t know when you’ll be attacked. Not always. Nor do you always know what or who will attack. Which means you have to always be prepared. But for what?

To sustain an attack. Of any kind. For any endurance. Of any intensity.

Doesn’t mean you’ll survive, but you can prepare to give yourself improved odds. When I was coaching some hockey I intently focused teams on making sure we accomplished one thing: be tough to play against. Translation: make it really hard on the opponent. That’s what we must do to guard ourselves against all adversity.

Too often we wilt under light pressure. That gives us no chance to thrive. Nature illustrates it. Seeds endure a form of death before they sprout bigger and grander creations. Creatures large and small struggle to be born so life can begin a long journey of resistance against threats on life.

Logically we all understand the value of overcoming adversity. The magic isn’t the adversity. The magic is our growth as we figure out how to endure it and overcome it. From our struggles emerges our strength. A strength we could never build or increase without the pressure of challenge. The attacks of life make us strong enough to move forward and become more than we would have otherwise.

Part of the game – this whole living game – is to stay alive long enough to figure it out. Long enough to become stronger.

Tired doesn’t mean weak. Weariness isn’t equal to defeat.

Gyms all over the world are filled with strong, fit people striving to get more so. And filled with folks who are not so fit and not so strong striving to improve. The process isn’t laugh-out-loud fun. It’s often dreary and dreaded. People do it to get the results: firmer bodies, stronger muscles, lower body fat. In a word, fit. To become more fit.

Fit for what? Well, that depends.

Fit for clothes. Fit for a love connection. Fit for health improvements. All of the above. People have their reasons. Just like we all have our reasons for wanting to endure and survive. We don’t want to live to fight another day. We want to live to fight today. And tomorrow. And the day after that.

When the bullets start flying we want to avoid being hurt. Walking away tired, exhausted, but unhurt is ideal. When my kids were teens I’d constantly encourage them to be safe. Repeatedly I told them I knew they’d make mistakes. I just didn’t want them to make a mistake from which they couldn’t recover. So it goes with our self-protection. If our adversity wrecks us completely – killing us – then the game is over. Happens all the time to millions of people who can’t figure out how to endure the challenges of the day. So they quit. Give up. Resign that success will never happen for them. It’s why failure is so prominent.

We want our adversity to be…well, not so adverse. Our preference would be to walk away unscathed. Not even winded.

But that’s not profitable. We learn nothing from it. Our mental, emotional and psychological muscles grow no stronger.

We need adversity. We just need to handle it so we’re not permanent injured or killed by it. And we need to endure it long enough so we can rest and recover.

Not all fights are the same. Some are fast and over with in a hurry. Others linger on…and on…and on. Some feel like we’re battling thousands and others feel like we’re up against a lone sniper. Some are up close like a knife fight. Others are more long-distance like a drone attack. None of them are comfortable. All of them are threatening.

Be tough to compete against. Just refuse to stop. Don’t quit. I’m not sure much else matters. All those fighting details. Tactics. Strategies. Do they matter? Well, of course. It’d be dishonest to say they don’t matter at all. The question I have is, “Do they make a difference between winning and losing?”

I’m not sure they do. Truly. I’m not.

Rather, I think a person’s hardheadedness (resolve) is the real power of endurance. Navy Seal training involves a very simple device. Ten percent of the training candidates (there are 200 at the beginning) graduate. The rest accept an invitation available to all 200 from the beginning. The invitation to just walk over to a bell and ring it. Ringing the bell signifies quitting. Equivalent to tapping out. Saying, “I’m done.”

The men who would be Seals aren’t men who quit. That’s precisely the point of the training. To find out who refuses to quit. Every candidate is already a talented sailor likely capable of learning whatever needs to be learned. What the Navy doesn’t know is how resilient and hardheaded the sailors are. Which is why the training is critical. Who among the 200 refuses to ring the bell no matter what? The training provides the answer.

Adversity in life does the same thing except we have no bell to ring to tell life, “Okay, stop. I’ve had enough.” Life just keeps on whether you quit or not.

Wait a minute, what?

You heard me. Life keeps on beating you no matter what.

So permit some logic. Why quit? It won’t spare you anything. It won’t make the beatings stop. It just means you’ll stop fighting…getting weaker and weaker…and more injured along the way.

So what does this mean?

It means that adversity’s impact is limited or limitless. You get to decide.

Yes, people die. Sometimes it can’t be stopped. I know countless folks announce they’ve been diagnosed with some awful disease. Then just as quickly they announce how they’ll fight it. And beat it. And then they don’t. Brave speech is easy. Unreasonable brave speech even more so. Your physical life can be taken by some adversity. Maybe the best we can hope for under such dire circumstances is to manage as best we can how we exit. But that’s not even always possible. So we endure just as long as we can.

Thankfully, most adversity won’t eat us. It’ll just try to gum us to death.

Pain tolerance. Discomfort tolerance. It really boils down to not letting discomfort or pain discourage us. Our ability to live with it until we can find time to rest, recuperate and restore our energy.

Step Two: Advance / Push Forward

We need energy to succeed. The only way we get it is by enduring the adversity that makes our armor thin. That’s how we thicken the armor. Armor that shows the tiredness of being in battle has proven its ability to do the job. Human armor has an ability unavailable to a knight’s. It improves and is strengthened.

Armor that shows thinness and tiredness just means one thing. The armor needs rest, restoration and rejuvenation. It doesn’t mean the fight is over. Or that the armor is finished.

There’s the buried lead that I’m so known for in this podcast. When you’re feeling most discouraged, least resilient, unwilling or unable to fight any longer — it’s just a signal. A signal you should not – must not – ignore!

Rest.

Restore.

Recuperate.

Rejuvenate.

These are individual pursuits. And these are precisely the activities most successful people excel. And I’m not talking about wealthy…I’m talking about people who achieve what they most want to achieve. The achievers in life figure out how to best rest, restore, recuperate and rejuvenate so they can advance past the adversity.

Figuring out how to rest, restore, recuperate and rejuvenate is only half the battle. The other half is doing it.

I’ll pick on myself as an example.

Physical rest isn’t easy for me. My entire life has consisted of cat-napping. My circadian rhythm has been weirdly abnormal my entire life. I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t. When I was young I struggled to fall asleep. And to stay asleep. Now I don’t struggle to fall asleep, but staying asleep still evades me. You can almost set a stopwatch to 90 minutes. I’ll fall asleep and within 90 minutes, almost to the minute (regularly), I’m awake. Some nights, that’s it. Other nights, I get up for a few hours and repeat that 90-minute cycle.

Stress and adversity disrupt that even further. And I know – with absolute certainty – that I need to rest. I know when my armor is wearing thin. I notice it long before others do.

My goal is to find restoration before it shows. I don’t always do that and I don’t work nearly as diligently to mask it as I once did. These days I’ll confide in some people, “I’m struggling.” But knowing these things about myself isn’t tantamount to doing much about it.

Of course, it depends on the adversity, too. I joked with a friend the other day that my life decided to wait until I was older and already tired before deep adversity hit me the hardest. So it goes with many of us.

Growing older isn’t for the faint of heart. Old hearts get broken every bit as easily as young ones. Maybe more so. Sadly, there’s not nearly as much time to mend. Which makes our ability to rest and recover more urgent.

I’m back to solitude – that thing I mentioned at the top of the show. For me that’s critical. Remember, I’m introverted. Socializing drains me. Not intimate conversation with close friends. Not helping a person or a couple in a very private way. Those give me energy. But putting on a “hi, how are you?” face at some gathering is the biggest beating I can endure – often far worse than the adversity itself. For me, historically, the challenge has been managing the expectation, especially of judgmental people.

To better manage that I made up my mind a few years ago to not care. I never did care much, but I cared enough that I’d do what was expected – mostly because it was important to mask the thinness of my armor. Over time I figured it just didn’t matter. It certainly didn’t matter to mask it more than it did to shore it up. I mean, logically it made no sense to me. Mask the thinness of your armor and grind it down even further doing something that drains what little energy I’ve got left…OR…forget masking it and get on with rejuvenating it so you can recover. I opted mostly (not always) for the latter.

I still find myself surrendering to impositions that I’d rather avoid. Playing nice. Which is quite easy because neglecting my armor is very easy. Stupid. Foolish. And wrong. But easy.

I’m much more prone to help you with yours. All the while telling you that mine is fine, even though it’s not. These are proofs how our strengths become our weaknesses. My energy levels go higher helping people with their armor. My energy levels go down imposing on others to help me with my own.

It’s hypocrisy of sorts I know. But it is what it is.

Know yourself. It’s the first chore of the rest and recovery step.

Act on it. Post haste. That’s the next chore. The toughest one for me personally. But I’m working on it. Mostly, I do what’s easy. I retreat. Solitude is easy and comfortable for me. Music, writing – these are the two common tools that have been part of my solitude my entire life. Until the Internet was born the writing was only in journals to myself. Well, the only other exception was about 3 years of daily letter writing to Rhonda when we were dating and living 11 hours (by car) apart.

My father has always remarked how he could sit and think of NOTHING. I envy that skill. I don’t have it. So I have to focus on channeling what I’m thinking about. Solitude helps.

And Benadryl. 😉

Sometimes.

The point? Do what you have to do to get your armor back into good, battle-ready condition. It’s too important to neglect. Self-preservation is not selfishness.

Step Three: Endurance / Survival

Now, it’s time to fight again because trouble jumped out from behind that tree and blind-sided you like Kato.

And the process begins all anew. But this time there’s a difference.

You’ve seen this move by adversity before. You experienced the pain and chokehold of this in the past. And you learned what you did poorly the last time. Not this time. This time you’re going to try a new maneuver. Maybe it’ll work. Maybe not.

Doesn’t matter really. You’ll figure it out.

The name of the game is to stay alive long enough to do that – figure it out. Then you’ll be able to rest once more.

You just have to be tenacious. Difficult to fight against. You want to be among the winners.

In simple terms, they’re the 10% who refuse to ring the bell. No matter what.

They just don’t give up.

It’s hard to beat a person that never gives up.   -Babe Ruth

Truth is, you can’t beat a person that never gives up. And now you can think about that black knight in the Holy Grail. No matter that he couldn’t protect the bridge any longer. No matter that his legs were chopped off. And his arms. He was able to heckle King Arthur as he rode off to the sound of banging two coconuts together. 😀

Even in what seemed like sure defeat the black knight had the last laugh.

You will, too.

So when you’re feeling down and out jump and shout, “Hey, hey!”

Why not?

None of us are gettin’ out of here alive anyway. Let’s make it count. And have some fun at adversity’s expense.

Randy

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Cue R.E.M. singing, Losing My Religion.

I’ve said too much.

I haven’t said enough.

The quandary for a communicator.

When my children were young I remember telling them how they were cursed with a father who would likely go to the grave having said too much. I can’t fully explain the urge to connect and communicate with my children. Or anybody else I love. It’s a powerful urge.

One I mostly answer with rare exceptions.

The exceptions are when I sense little or no desire on the part of the other person. I quickly – usually – accept it and allow my introversion to kick into full gear. It’s easy really. To climb into my head and be alone there for extended periods of time.

Faith.

Nothing is more important. Nothing. And for good reason.

Eternity changes everything.

My faith isn’t blind or without compelling evidence. It’s based on the Bible and I know people can hurl barbs against “religion” and faith. It’s fine. I’m not too bothered by it. Mostly, I know how fortunate and blessed I am to have been taught the Truth of God’s Word. I hit the proverbial lottery because I didn’t have to go searching for God or the Truth. It was handed to me on a platinum platter. My wife and I did the same for our children.

Kevin Stevens is a 2-time Stanley Cup winning retired NHL’er. He played with the likes of Mario Lemieux and was an outstanding left winger for the Pittsburg Penguins. He earned over $21 million during his playing career (and that in an era where players didn’t earn many millions per season like today). He squandered it all. Wrecked his health. And his marriage. And his relationship with his kids. And his parents. And the rest of his family. And teammates who loved him.

He hurt everybody who loved him. Mostly, he hurt himself with heavy doses of shame, self-loathing and guilt.

Addiction will do that. Always. 100% of the time.

Every story is uniquely identical. 

Take a human being. Insert drugs – legal or otherwise – and watch the person turn their life completely around. Not in a good way.

180 degrees.

It happens every single time.

I’ve heard stories from dozens of people from all walks of life. All kinds of educational (or lack thereof) backgrounds. People engaged in every kind of work you can imagine. People with strong convictions based on faith and people who never had faith.

Mostly ordinary moral people living decent lives.

Then giving it all up.

Becoming immoral, reckless, selfish, despicable people steeped in shame and embarrassment. But refusing to face it because masking it is easier. Riding on a train track taking their lives into an abyss they never planned. Living in ways they never imagined possible. Finding their lives in a new normal that is deplorable compared to who they once were.

Loving nobody but themselves. Caring about nothing but how victimized they feel by anybody and everybody who has ever loved them.

Lying. Cheating. Stealing. Crawling into ever descending gutters of human choice they can find or create. All the while feeling worse and worse about themselves but unable or unwilling to change their course.

Take any breakable item you’d like. A nice plate. A favorite coffee cup. A bowl. Something you enjoy. Something you find valuable – not necessarily expensive, but something you esteem regularly because you use it and it brings you joy.

Throw it on the floor. Treat it as though it now no longer matters to you. Treat it as though it has betrayed you and made you angry. Break it into as many pieces as possible and see it scattered across the floor. Gone! Destroyed.

Unable to hold your morning coffee.

Unable to hold your favorite breakfast cereal or dessert.

The item you once loved now broken into so many pieces you can’t count them all. And you wonder, “How will I ever get this back together?”

Shattered lives are far more difficult to put back together though.

The glassware doesn’t fight your work to put it back together. People do.

The glassware doesn’t deny being broken. People do.

When a life goes off the rails and shatters, unlike the glassware – it breaks other lives, too. A bowl that hits the floor doesn’t cause the other bowls in the cupboard to break. But a human being does. When a life shatters, those who love that life are broken hearted. It can’t be prevented. It’s the price demanded by love.

Truth. Responsibility.

I’m hard pressed to find two terms that more properly define how we should live if we hope to contribute to humanity and live a meaningful life. These are choices we can make. Refusing them brings us shattered lives, broken hearts and loss of faith, and our soul. Our opportunity to provide light to the world – however much light one life can provide (which is quite a lot actually) – dissipates and eventually disappears when we refuse to choose truth and responsibility.

The alternative choice made by many is to lie to themselves and to others. Liars won’t bear responsibility. So it’s killing two ideals with one choice. An easy path to a wrecked life that corrupts all of us. Think your life has no impact on the rest of the world? That’s the biggest lie of all perhaps.

Lives that refuse to face the truth of themselves and their circumstances are doomed. Hopeless. How can it be anything else when you won’t stare down your problems with a determination to become better.

It’s all about improvement, not perfection.

It’s about growth, not achievement.

It’s about individual commitment to live a good life. A life dedicated to truth to responsibility.

The cause? Well, it can be almost anything. Immaturity. Selfishness. Substance abuse and addiction. Lack of self-control. Misplaced affections. Poor influences.

Whatever the impetus, shattered lives are the domain of accountable people capable of making a choice. In other words, they’re without excuse. It doesn’t mean there aren’t contributing reasons, but it means people willing to shatter their lives leaned into those reasons, opting to use them as excuses. In that regard, they choose to be victims. Victims of their own choosing. Even though they most often don’t see it that way. No surprise…because truth and responsibility don’t define how they live. They prefer lies, dishonesty, and fault-finding.

What do you do with a shattered life? It depends. On whose life it is.

If it’s yours, you get whatever help you must. I’m not bold enough (or crazy enough) to tell you to buck up and do what you must to get things fixed. Would that it were that easy. But it’s not. Ever.

We like smooth, easy, quick answers to really complex problems. It’s not realistic and often does more harm. Lives are complicated. Our problems are complex.

People can help us. But not until we’re ready.

Some people claim bravery is the first step, but bravery is quite a ways up the road from where the journey begins. It begins with some realization that this ain’t working. It’s that whole “coming to yourself” magic that every person must experience before growth or improvement can happen. Until we come to ourselves and realize the current habits of our life are not working to serve us – or anybody else who loves us – nothing is going to change. We’re closed off to any opportunity to become better human beings until our guilt, shame and whatever else we’re feeling is more than we can or want to handle. Hence, that proverbial rock bottom.

Others can see how shattered our lives are, but we’re always going to be the last to know. It’s the counter leadership phenomenon. Great leaders see the future first. Shattered lives see the truth last. It’s why people who eventually come to themselves all say (100% of them), “I can’t believe that was me!” They couldn’t see it even though everybody else could. By the time they see it, the shattering has likely gone on for quite some time wrecking everything in its path.

If the shattered life is somebody else’s – there’s nothing you can do to actively change it. It’s not your life. What you see doesn’t matter. It only matters what they see. Letting people we love shatter their life is difficult, but not really – because we’re powerless to stop them. Letting them go and enduring their bitterness toward people they’ve known and loved all their life is hard, but you can’t do one thing to prevent it. Shattered lives are built on lies, finger-pointing, excuse-making and not facing the truth. Don’t waste your time trying to figure it out because it’s a superior level of delusion that only other shattered lives see or understand.

Until the fog lifts.

Unless the fog lifts.

It doesn’t always lift. Sometimes the fog consumes people and they’re lost forever. The lucky and blessed ones hit some point in their lives where they give some consideration to an alternative. It’s why some people recovering from a shattered life express it like this…

“I suddenly thought, ‘What am I doing?'”

When life is so broken we look in the mirror and realize it’s us – we’ve done this – then we’re beginning to make a decision to lean into the truth. But only when we’re sick of the lies.

Shattered lives are wasted lives. Sadly, the waste isn’t confined to their life. Every shattered life has shattered the lives of people who care about them. Broken hearts are scattered in the wake of every shattered life.

Sadness. Shame. Embarrassment. Guilt. It’s all part of the territory owned by the shattered life. Again, it’s complicated. But the shattered life is so delusion-based it forces the remedy to be more complicated than it truly is. Again, it’s the polar opposite of great leadership.

Great leaders break down problems into the simplest terms so the solution can be quickly implemented. It’s one way great leaders are able to see the future first. They’ve solved the problem in their mind before they ever take any action.

The shattered life works in exactly the opposite way. The shattered life can’t see things for what they really are until everybody else has seen it first. They see it last. Largely because in their delusion they’ve overcomplicated everything. In their head, they’ve traveled too far down the road to change it. Their guilt and shame seem unfixable. They can’t break it down into the simplest terms so they can get started. So they don’t start. They continue to do what they did to shatter their life, spiraling down lower and lower. In search for the bottom.

Broken hearts know that bottom is relative. And there are no maps. For too many the bottom is death. Often by their own hands. Again, it’s the inability to see a solution to a problem that can be fixed.

Love leaves. First, it leaves a shattered life. When a life breaks love is a casualty. Love of self. Love of others. And very quickly, love of God because God IS love.

Peace and joy leave, too. Because those accompany truth and love.

Something has to fill that void left by the absence of love, peace and joy. Enter selfishness and the constant, never-satisfied pursuit to feel better. Just something else contributing to the delay of coming to oneself. Behaviors that shove the shattered life to the back of the line in recognizing the cause of the destruction.

Life goes from bad to worse, but momentary relief comes with an intense focus on every bad event, circumstance or mistreatment. Life morphs into a running scoreboard where every injustice is cataloged and relived. “See? That’s why it’s not my fault.”

Nevermind that 100% of humanity have endured countless injustices, bad events, misfortune, and poor treatment. Thankfully, not everybody concentrates on the negative. Many are able to stare down the poorest of circumstances and make the declaration, “That won’t define me.”

Giving up on God isn’t so surprising because the shattered life has first given up on themselves. It doesn’t appear so, at first, but it’s in essence what has happened. The shattered life abandons wisdom, responsibility and truth. With nothing else to lose and nobody else left to blame (because they’ve now run out of fingers with which to point), they aim as high as possible. Heaven. God.

It’s God’s fault. God did this to them.

All because they can’t see life – their life – for what it truly is.

All because they give themselves over to lies and deceit.

Jesus told a story in Luke 16:19-31 “Now there was a certain rich man, and he was clothed in purple and fine linen, faring sumptuously every day: and a certain beggar named Lazarus was laid at his gate, full of sores, and desiring to be fed with the crumbs that fell from the rich man’s table; yea, even the dogs came and licked his sores. And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and that he was carried away by the angels into Abraham’s bosom: and the rich man also died, and was buried. And in Hades he lifted up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am in anguish in this flame. But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and Lazarus in like manner evil things: but now here he is comforted, and thou art in anguish. And besides all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed, that they that would pass from hence to you may not be able, and that none may cross over from thence to us. And he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou wouldest send him to my father’s house; for I have five brethren; that he may testify unto them, lest they also come into this place of torment. But Abraham saith, They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them. And he said, Nay, father Abraham: but if one go to them from the dead, they will repent. And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, if one rise from the dead.”

There are some interesting facts brought out in this story. One, the rich man was blind. He didn’t see things as they truly were. His life was devoted to the delusion that this life was all about serving himself. He was successful, or so he thought. Shattered lives see life the same way. “I’m doing what I want.” Shattered lives serve only themselves and they think it’s just fine.

Two, the rich man didn’t think about God and Judgment until he understood he had it all wrong. Eternity changes things. Fact is, it changes everything. You don’t have to believe in God if you don’t want to. It doesn’t impact God’s existence. Or your ultimate accountability for how you live. Believe what you want. Deny what you want. Makes no bit of difference to the facts. Your lies don’t change anything except your vision to see things as they truly are. Just like this rich man.

Three, he knew there were no do-overs for him, but he didn’t want his brothers to end up in this same fate. Lost. He begged that the beggar Lazarus be sent back to earth from the grave to warn them.

Four, the BIG truth. Shattered lives won’t listen to anybody, even if somebody came back from the dead to warn them. The hard-headed blindness of the shattered life can’t be repaired by an outside influencer. It can only be fixed when the shattered life makes the declaration, “I want to see things as they really are. No matter how painful it may be to see it.”

Truth. That’s the only fix. And when truth is embraced…other things enter to help repair the damage done. Love. Peace. Forgiveness. Joy. These replace guilt, shame, embarrassment, resentment, blame and bitterness. Hardly seems like a fair fight, right? That’s because those of us who see it accurately are leaning toward wisdom. We see it, but those shattered lives that are part of our life break out hearts and lay us low. Vexing us with the nagging question, “Why can’t they see it?”

I have no answer. They just can’t. Better said, they just won’t see it.

It’s hard to look at the mess we make. Harder still to admit that we broke it.

But here’s the truth. When and if the shattered life can decide to look at it and own it…EVERYTHING IMPROVES. It’s the only path back. And depending on the depth and breadth of the shattering (which can be quite extensive), everything – EVERYTHING – is infinitely improved from what it was when the shattering just continued day after day. Not everything can be fixed, but shattered lives can be put back together. Repairs can be made. Forgiveness granted. Goodness restored. You’d think the upside would be apparent, but again, blindness is complete and total when you’re life is shattered.

Until you want to see.

Until you want to see the truth.

Until you’re ready to stare at it without blinking.

Until you’re ready to accept the fact that there’s no future in living a lie. No goodness. No love. No forgiveness. No remedy for guilt, shame and embarrassment.

Control. Restoration is about accepting control of our own life. Warts and all. Reclaiming our life is about realizing we alone shoulder the burden of crafting the quality of our life.

Gratitude. Restoration is also about recognizing how blessed we are. Shattered lives don’t experience any gratitude. But restored lives are filled with it. Consider the life of the Apostle Paul. If any man serving God faithfully could complain of his lot in life, it was Paul. But he was too busy counting his blessings. Too busy be appreciative of the opportunity the Lord gave him. Too busy being grateful for what awaited him after life here.

Long term. Restoration isn’t about short-term thinking. Shattered lives working toward repair are committed to the long haul. Life can be shattered in a moment. Restoration can take a lifetime. But your life will be as long as it’s going to be anyway, so you may as well devote your time to restoration and stop breaking your life. It’s like a person going to work every day from 9 to 5 and hating every second of it. Hating it won’t make it better. You’ve got to spend 9 to 5 there anyway…you may as well work harder to enjoy it, especially if you’re unable or unwilling to change it.

Hope is a wonderful thing. Shattered lives have given up on that, too. The list of good things sacrificed by shattered lives just keeps growing longer and longer as the person remains devoted to their broken life. Truth. Love. Joy. Peace. Forgiveness. Responsibility. Accountability. Hope. Such a high price!

In recent months I’ve been focused on forgiveness. Namely, how intently God wants to grant it because God is happy when He’s got the opportunity to forgive us. Why? Because He loves us.

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have eternal life.”

2Pet. 3:9 “The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some count slackness; but is longsuffering to you-ward, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.”

Shattered lives won’t see any of this. Because they can’t see they’re shattered.

In the meantime, those of us who love somebody with a shattered life…we endure the grief and knowledge that our vision does nothing to help them. But it curses us with the truth of having to watch them head straight for a crash. We pray they survive the crash and emerge willing to finally see things as they are. We pray they reach a place where they’re ready to give up all the dark horrors for the light.

Hope can be restored. So can love. Along with joy and peace. Responsibility and accountability. Faith, too. But only if truth precedes it all. Which means honesty must rule the moment, the day and all of life.

Shattered lives prepared to find mending decide that the cost of their actions is excessive. The sacrifices are too great. Too much downside, no upside.

Talk with people who surround the mended shattered life and you see as much joy among them as anybody. People who have patiently and anxiously waited for the person to come to themselves. And now people who couldn’t be happier if it had been their own life mended. It’s the compassion friends and family feel. People whose hearts were broken, but are now mended.

Shattered gives way to put back together.

Broken gives way to being mended.

Lost gives way to being found.

Randy

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Last month I read an article entitled, “Ron Howard once explained why Opie’s attitude changed after the first season of The Andy Griffith Show.”

One little segment of the article grabbed my attention.

What would happen if Opie knew that Andy was smarter than him? How about if Opie actually respected his dad? I just thought it might be different.’

I’m betting you never knew that Ron Howard’s dad, Rance, influenced the show to completely change how Opie behaved, especially with Andy. It’s some valuable insight on parental wisdom.

Every parent is challenged by kids who think they know more than they do, and who think they understand more than they do.

Research tells us the human brain isn’t fully developed until around the age of 25. According to the University of Rochester Medical Center website, the rational part of a teen’s brain works very differently than adults. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the rational part of the brain. That’s the part of the brain that provides good judgment. Without that, you’ll never lean toward wisdom. It’s the part of your brain that calculates the long-term consequences. Teens live by processing things with the emotional part of their brain. In their brains, the connection between rational and emotional is still developing. That’s why teens live drama-filled lives. It’s also why they’re often unable to explain what they were thinking. “What were you thinking?” asks every parent! They don’t know because they weren’t thinking so much as they were feeling.

Parenting is hard. Really hard.

Grandparenting is way easier.

Partly because we now have a perspective we lacked when we were young. We can see things we’d have done differently. Plus, the burden of all the child-rearing decision making isn’t on us. When that pressure isn’t there on a daily basis…it changes everything. And that distance from these kids we love provides a mutual viewpoint – the way they see us and the way we see them – that serves us both. We’re able to model behavior so they have a role model to remember. They’re able to keep us lively and maintain sight of what it’s all about. That life is mostly about how much value we can provide one another.

As kids grow up, they hopefully become increasingly aware of how self-control looks. Teens are impulsive. Adults should not be. Instead, we hope to display thoughtful intentions to our kids. We want them to see that we’re making decisions with a long-term view. That’s why we don’t buy stupid crap. It’s why we save. It’s why we behave responsibly. We hope by showing our kids what wise behavior looks like, they’ll embrace their own lives of wisdom.

But that question that serves as the title of today’s show is fascinating. What would happen if kids knew their parents were smarter than them?

Sadly, I know some parents who aren’t smarter than their kids. Well, to be more accurate, they don’t behave smarter than their kids. Parents who are colossally selfish, highly emotional, short-term thinkers given to consistent impulsive behavior. What do their children think? Better yet, what do they feel?

I can only theorize, but it can’t be good for the parent. In what surely should be one of the most important relationships on the planet, kids should grow up respecting their parents not because it’s demanded (or just because God commands it) but because the parents behave in a way to warrant it. Too many don’t. They betray their children and forfeit respect.

The more I thought about the question the more I kept turning it around a bit. What would happen if parents were smarter than their kids and acted like it? Then, in keeping with the theme of this podcast I changed “smarter” to “wiser.”

What would happen if parents were wiser than their children and acted like it?

What would that look like? For the parents? For the children?

Rance Howard knew his son’s TV character, Opie Taylor, would behave more respectfully toward his TV dad, Andy. It would also change how Andy behaved toward his TV son. Turns out it did…and it wasn’t such a subtle change. Mostly because Rance Howard focused on one thing he felt was powerfully important as a parent and a child, R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Cue Aretha!

It’s the bottom line way to ask the question of our time together today. What would happen if parents and children had mutual respect for one another? What would happen if children didn’t think their parents were moronic baffoons? What if parents thought how and what their children felt was worth understanding?

Too much to ask for? You think?

Permit an aging father to harken back to when my children were small. And permit me to tell those of you listening who may not yet know this about me – I’m a man of faith. God, the Bible and the Lord’s Church are supremely important. Just here some of you are thinking, “Here we go. He’s a religious nut who raised his kids to be members of his cult.” 😀 Quite the contrary. Questions were fostered. And that’s why I bring up this particular point of context.

Some parents embrace and bark quite loudly about the religious training of children. “Let THEM decide,” they shout. But they don’t let their children decide other, more mundane things. I know parents who barely let their children decide what sport they’d like to play.

I bring this up because it’s a very emotionally charged topic making it suitable for thought-provoking dialogue. Also, because I look back and know my wife and I got this whole respect thing right. So it’s worth revisiting with you for whatever benefit you may be able to gain. If you’re not religious, then replace that topic with the one you prefer. Politics? Morality? You decide.

We’re church-going folks. Rather than ram anything down the throats of our children we talked about it. Mostly our conversations revolved around one big question: WHY?

Why were we church-going people? Why did we attend the church we attended? Why did we believe what we believed? What was the source of religious authority for us? No questions were off-limits. Absolutely none.

By the time our children were in middle school they have asked a million questions. Well, I wasn’t keeping count, but it had to be close. They weren’t coerced or pressured. They were taught and trained, which is what every responsible parent does for their children. My wife and I taught them to be respectful to their teachers and classmates. We taught them to be appropriately cautious and equally, to be appropriately adventurous. We taught them to ask questions, although like most kids – that came quite naturally to their curious minds. Something we tried to always foster – their curiosity.

We were never the parents who held that “because I told you so” philosophy – although I admit it was ridiculously tempting on those days when it felt like we’d answered 1,000 questions. Dialogue and conversation was the order of every day. And that respect thing always fueled those conversations to sound more like adult-to-adult conversations. We were the parents who NEVER engaged in baby talk even when our kids were babies. (I still throw up a little bit in my mouth when I hear baby talk, but that’s a personal bias I have)

Our children respected us because we first respected them.

Our children knew we were smart because we recognized their smartness. We each proved our intellect daily to one another. As their parents, we proved our sense of good judgment every single day to our children. They saw our decision-making. They understood it, too – because we happily explained it. No major decisions were made by us in isolation. The kids were always involved, even if they didn’t always get a vote.

Whether it was religious, school, news, morality, philosophy or anything else — we fostered deep, ongoing dialogue. No question was foolish or stupid. In fact, we spent considerable time answering the unasked questions – the ones we felt should be asked. Remember, we were the adults in the relationship so we were the leaders!

And that brings up something else very important – leadership. Parents serve their children. It’s leadership at the highest level. Our children weren’t there to serve us. We owed them. They didn’t owe us. Well, to be fair…they only owed us the respect we deserved as their parents because of the respect we gave them first.

Our lives centered on our children. That’s how it should be. Together we were four individual people operating – sometimes more successfully than at other times – as one family unit.

That’s how it went until they were no longer children. And along the path of growing up – my wife and I also grew up. We grew up in the sense that at each age my wife and I embraced the growth of our children. Letting go wasn’t hard for us. We did it at every step of the journey.

Leaning Toward Wisdom began as documentation I could create for my children and future grandchildren (I didn’t have any when I began). Passing along life lessons. That was the goal. It still is.

The curiosity that once ruled my house when the kids were small still lives. Today, it’s alive in the kids of my kids. But it’s alive in my life and my wife’s life, too.

Respect isn’t always what it should be. I don’t suppose it ever is. Mostly because people love to judge. And because sometimes things happen that cause people to lose their way – and sometimes to lose themselves.

Life happens. Sometimes the toll is high. Sometimes our own foolishness puts us in a spin where we’re unable to grab the controls of our lives and prevent from hitting the oncoming mountain. But as parents, it’s our job to help our children stay safe, learn wisdom and learn respect – for themselves and for others. And in my house, for God, too.

What would happen if kids knew their parents were smarter than them?

I can answer it. They’d accelerate their learning. The kids would most benefit. Far more than their parents. But both would grow. Hopefully, together. And embrace the respect that would serve kids and parents to have a solid relationship the rest of their lives. How cool would that be?

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Here’s a link to the Instagram post that caught my eye when it was posted just Wednesday. The photo is an older gentleman laying on his side, leaning on one arm – in what appears to be a park. He’s somewhere in Paris, even though the Instagram account is HumansFromNY. Sometimes the posts are from other places. It’s a fascinating account. The gentleman pictured looks like Walter Matthau.

The post copy says this:

“One day she told me she was getting a lawyer. I tried to play catch-up, but it was too late. Apparently I wasn’t enough of a leader in the relationship. We’d fallen into too much of a routine. Or at least that’s what I was told. I’ve been alone for thirteen years now. The hardest part for me was losing the sense of family. My youngest daughter barely speaks to me anymore. I’ve seen her maybe fifteen times since the divorce. I have a five-month-old granddaughter that I haven’t even met. I don’t understand it. I wasn’t that bad. I didn’t openly argue with their mother. I never had an affair. I was present. I was affectionate. Maybe I was a little strict, but she was a tough teenager. We were afraid for her. She was only fifteen and going to nightclubs. There was a lot of screaming back then: ‘you’re an asshole,’ ‘you’re not my father,’ things like that. And maybe her mind is still locked in that time. Now we speak maybe once a year. Whenever I ask her about it, she feels attacked. It’s awkward. There’s no familiarity anymore. And it’s not getting any better. Time is working against us. Because I feel like I’m losing the feeling of being a dad. Of loving. Of caring. Obviously that’s not true, or I wouldn’t be talking about it. But everything fades eventually. At least when someone dies, you can mourn. It’s so much harder when someone just disappears.” (Paris, France)

A recent headline captured my attention.

Selena Gomez Says Her Girl Squad Kept Her From Hitting Rock Bottom

Not because I’m a Selena Gomez fan or follower, but because I have had people in my life who struggled with making poor decisions. I’m in no position to dispute or comment on Selena’s life or struggles. I’ve read enough to know that like many young performers she’s had her share of life struggles. Beyond that, nothing is clear to me.

She’s human. She struggles sometimes. She’s from here in the DFW area where life was hard. Poverty and the assorted ailments that accompany it were part of her life.

She hit big by getting on the Hannah Montana show and by 16 she had a recording contract. I respect what I know of her rags to riches story. But once again I stress – she’s human. She struggles sometimes.

I hope she’s doing well. And perhaps her girl squad indeed did keep her from hitting rock bottom. Let’s assume hitting rock bottom wouldn’t have been a good thing for her – the catalyst to propel her forward. We hope people who hit rock bottom use it for their benefit, but some (perhaps most) don’t. Selena may be among them. I don’t know.

Hitting rock bottom has been on my mind for the past 6 months or so. Sparked by somebody I care deeply about. Somebody behaving dangerously. A life filled with self-destruction. A life that went from serving and helping others to a life immersed in selfishness and hurt. A wasted life. We’ve all seen it happen. Many of us have seen it happen to somebody we know – or used to know – well. We lament that we’re unable to influence them to find their way back to a more positive way of life. A life that’s profitable for them and others.

I’m not mathematically or scientifically inclined, but if I were – and if I were young – I’d head straight into neuroscience and psychology. I was looking around at the books that surround me. Mostly, my books fall into a handful of categories:

a. Religious (Bible commentaries, Bible dictionaries, biographies, debates and more)

b. Business (that includes biographies)

c. Psychology (the mind, why people do what they do, etc.)

d. Other (the smallest category includes satire, non-business biographies, etc.)

Psychology has always been a top topic of interest and curiosity for me. My own. And others.

Watching people. Trying to figure them out. Always favorite things. But I’m a natural born noticer.

Even so, some behaviors are difficult – if not impossible – to fully understand. At least neuroscience and psychology provide some answers.

Brain chemistry is increasingly fascinating to me. I wish I could better understand it but I have a hard enough time connecting dots on beliefs, assumptions, perspectives, emotions, motivations, drives and all the other things that compel behavior.

There’s a story in the Bible, a parable actually. The Lord told the story in Luke 15:11-32.

And he said, A certain man had two sons: and the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of thy substance that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together and took his journey into a far country; and there he wasted his substance with riotous living. And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that country; and he began to be in want. And he went and joined himself to one of the citizens of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him. But when he came to himself he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight: I am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. And he arose, and came to his father. But while he was yet afar off, his father saw him, and was moved with compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight: I am no more worthy to be called thy son. But the father said to his servants, Bring forth quickly the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: and bring the fatted calf, and kill it, and let us eat, and make merry: for this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry. Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called to him one of the servants, and inquired what these things might be. And he said unto him, Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound. But he was angry, and would not go in: and his father came out, and entreated him. But he answered and said to his father, Lo, these many years do I serve thee, and I never transgressed a commandment of thine; and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends: but when this thy son came, who hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou killedst for him the fatted calf. And he said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me, and all that is mine is thine. But it was meet to make merry and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.

Here’s a son who hit bottom and it was exactly what needed to happen so he could reach higher ground. His pig pen moment was his salvation. What would have happened if he hadn’t hit rock bottom? Do we dare figure that his life would have never been what it became? He likely would have never returned home. His entire life would have been wasted…not just his inheritance. Luckily he ran out of money and it was the best thing to happen to him.

It’s only natural to want to spare people pain. We care about people and don’t want them to suffer. Unfortunately, suffering is exactly what some people need – like the prodigal. Without it, no growth. No improvement.

Helping Others Figure It Out

Over at my GrowGreat.com podcast – a business podcast – I’m constantly saying, “you’ll figure it out.” My role is to help leaders do that. Fact is, it’s our role – all of us individually and collectively – to help one another figure it out (whatever IT is).

Enabling. We hear that word a lot when people are wrestling with how to help friends or family bent on destructive behavior. It’s not what we intend to do – enable people to behave badly – but it’s the net result. That fine line between accepting and facing responsibility or being protected from it. Accountability is often missing.

Poor behavior often begets more poor behavior. A downward spiral can be hard to correct because there’s insufficient motivation to do it.

Alcohol, pills, drugs, crime, immorality, dishonesty…we’re all capable of bad behavior. Sometimes it’s due to poor or lost character. People change. They abandon beliefs and qualities that once served them to keep them on track. Poor choices that set people on a course from which they don’t correct unless or until something forces a change. The value of rock bottom.

Helping people is hard.  Preventing people from learning – that could be the result of keeping people from hitting rock bottom. We think we’re helping, but we may be actually helping them get in the way of their own growth and improvement.

Bad events are sometimes blessings.

Bad things happen to everybody. They’re not unique to just you. Nor are they unique to only those we may think are deserving. Bad things happen to good people and bad people alike.

Some years ago the Psychology Today website published a blog post entitled, “Bad Things Happen To Everyone.”

The article points out that when adversity strikes we have two choices: accept it or suffer. It’s the stuff of optimism versus pessimism. We either understand (and truly recognize) that we’re not cursed. That our bad events and circumstances are temporary. We commit to doing what we must to get through it so we can emerge victorious on the other side.

Or…

We embrace that we’re a victim. The universe is conspiring against us. Our self-talk is filled with telling ourselves, “Why do things like this always happen to me?”

Mary is 18 and depressed. Home life isn’t safe. Alcoholic parents prone to drug use have taken a toll on Mary. She starts cutting herself. It’s her senior year in high school and she has no prospects for the future. One evening she cuts herself too deeply and ends up in the hospital. She just about killed herself.

Linda is a 19-year-old college freshman working as a volunteer in the hospital. Serendipity brings these two girls together.

Linda wants to pursue social work of some sort. That’s what took her to this hospital work where a chance encounter with Mary began a friendship that would serve both girls.

Mary, laying in the hospital and enduring psychiatric help for the first time in her life, readily confesses that had this low, low moment not happened – she’d likely be dead. Medical, psychiatric help and Linda helped save her life. The bottom was her way up. And out.

Mary confesses that had she not hit her version of the bottom…she has no idea how her life may have worked out.

Like many people, I’ve been impacted by the current opioid crisis. In the past year, I’ve encountered so many families who have been touched by this crisis. The many stories I hear are heart-wrenching. Stories of what were once good people – responsible people – who over time, under the influence of prescribed pain killers lose themselves.

I’ve heard dozens of stories, mostly from people themselves – people who surrendered to the pain killers prescribed to them. Thankfully, these were the ones who found rock bottom and made the wise choice to climb up and out. I always wonder about those whose story ends in failure. Even the success stories are filled with sadness and loss. Hitting rock bottom can serve us, but it can take e heavy toll on those around us. Those who love us the most.

His real name isn’t Bob, but Bob injured his back while on the job. That was 18 years ago. The pain grew in spite of 2 surgeries. Bob wound up going to a pain management doctor where fentanyl patches were prescribed. At first, Bob felt like his life had been saved.

Bob’s life was a mess though. He’d grown distanced from his wife. The kids weren’t close to him. He felt the guilt of not being the husband or father he knew he should be. The kind of man he knew he could be. The guilt was often so oppressive he couldn’t stand it. So he drank.

A doctor also prescribed some anti-anxiety and anti-depressants to help Bob cope. They didn’t. Help. They did alter his personality. So much so that the kids wondered what had happened to him. He spoke differently, behaved differently and reacted differently. They knew dad drank too much sometimes, but they didn’t have all the facts of how medications were ruling his life – and altering his brain chemistry. Nobody did. Not even Bob.

Bob missed more work. Spent more days in bed than he could track. His life consisted mostly of him chasing a feeling. A feeling of no pain. A feeling void of anxiety. Bob wasn’t happy and couldn’t remember the last he had been. Guilt was increasing, but he was committed to hiding. Lies and fronting were daily habits for him.

Until one day he returned home from work to an empty house. His wife of 12 years and his two children were gone. All their clothing. All their personal possessions. On the kitchen table was a large manila envelope. Inside divorce papers and a letter from his wife. It was over. She’d had enough.

Bob was angry. You might think this was bottom, but it wasn’t. Bob was resentful, bitter and mad. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He was suffering. His boss. His wife. His children. Nobody understood. This was all their fault.

So Bob drank.

One early evening Bob was driving to the store. He was still being treated with Fentanyl patches and a variety of other medications prescribed by his therapist. He was crafty with the alcohol and was able to manage to abstain for days prior to pain management visits where he was routinely drug tested. But this evening things would go horribly bad. Bob hadn’t yet hit rock bottom.

It had been a few months since the family left. His wife, determined to move forward with the divorce, was unwavering. Bob just grew increasingly angry with her. All day on this Saturday he’d spent the day feeling sorry for himself…and blaming all the people who surrounded him. So off to the store he went after having finished what was left of the last six-pack. Intent on buying more beer. Maybe even something stronger.

He exited the store, got in his car and pulled out of the store parking lot. About 2 blocks away it happened. A jogger wearing a reflective vest and a headband with a light on it suddenly hit the right front portion of his car. He slammed on the brakes, jumped out and saw her laying on the pavement unconscious and bleeding. Another car coming from the opposite direction had stopped and was already calling 9-1-1.

Police came. EMTs, too. The jogger was taken to the hospital. Bob, after failing a field sobriety test, was arrested and taken to jail.

Welcome to rock bottom, Bob.

Bob sat in jail wondering how in the world he had ever ended up here. He wasn’t guilty of anything other than having hurt his back on the job many years ago. People didn’t understand how badly he felt. Nobody understood. This was all a big mistake, but he was innocent.

Here we are a few years removed and today Bob admits, “I knew it was all my fault. I just refused to accept reality. I was in such a fog I didn’t know which end was up. I absolutely knew this was down though.”

Bob’s story is like so many I’ve heard over the last year. They’re all the same. And it’s fascinating to me. They are ALL exactly the same!

Bob continues, “I lost my wife and family. At least today I have a decent relationship with my kids, but it’ll never be what it should be. And it’s my fault.”

“I can’t believe that was me,” says Bob. And that’s what I have heard over and over from everybody who finds their way out of the prescribed pain killer abyss. That expression, or one very similar, is uttered by every single person I’ve talked with who found their way beyond prescribed opioids.

Here’s the funny thing about hitting rock bottom. It often involves an outside stimulus. Namely, a substance or substances. Alcohol. Drugs. Prescribed or otherwise. Addiction. To something.

Me? I’m especially interested in opioids because that’s the very reason I’m quite interested in rock bottom. My only interest in hitting rock bottom is the good it can accomplish. Like many other people who have lost people they love to various issues, I want the very best for the person I love. But right now they’re lost seemingly unable to find their way back home. And it wrecks me.

But I know my bottom isn’t their bottom. They have to hit their own or they’re not likely going to alter their course. And I know it won’t end well if they don’t figure this out.

Bob’s words and all the other stories of the many others ring in my ears. “It’s like it wasn’t me.”

Each person behaved in ways that were 180 degrees from how they once behaved. They betrayed spouses, children, family, friends, faith and whatever else had once been valuable to them. Some were able to climb out of the bottom and regain much of what they lost. None walked away fully whole. Every single one paid a very high price, but each one is thankful today that they didn’t lose more.

“I just can’t believe I did that.”

“I would have never believed I could do that.”

Words of profound bewilderment about their own choices and behaviors.

Bob’s victim fully recovered. He accepted a deal with the district attorney to plead guilty. He served on prison time, but between the criminal ordeal and the civil suit filed by the jogger…Bob lost everything he had. And more. He’ll spend the rest of his life paying off a debt he knows he can’t repay.

Alimony to the wife he forsook.

Child support to the children he didn’t serve.

Money to the jogger whose life he disrupted.

Fines and attorney fees to the society he failed.

One big colossal failure. That’s how Bob eventually saw his life. But only when he hit rock bottom. In spite of all the loss, Bob is a very different man. Today he’ll tell you he’s the man his wife married. No matter that she’s not going to take him back, she’s happy he’s found himself. At least he’s not the miserable human being he once was around their children.

Bob got his life back. His career is on track toward heights that wouldn’t have been possible with the opioids. His children are beginning to gain respect for their father…again. He struggles with forgiving himself for all the damage he’s done, but he’ll tell you he’s getting better each week. “It’s a process,” says Bob. “I know I’ll be in this process the rest of my life, but at least today I have a life.”

What’s most fascinating to me about hitting rock bottom – and the lives of those who need it most – is the story of the prior life. These folks were responsible, upstanding citizens. Most will tell you they were once morally upright, too. “I would have never cheated on my spouse,” is a common refrain. But they did. “I would have never lost our life savings,” say others. But they did. “I would have never jeopardized my career,” say some. But they did.

Each and every one was once something very different than who they became. They look back after hitting rock bottom and none can recognize the person they became. The person who needed to hit rock bottom.

How can we help them?

That’s the question I wish I could answer, but I’m going to disappoint you. I don’t have an answer. That’s the subject of my own pain. Desperately wanting to help somebody I love find their way back to who they once were – to who they truly are.

Character. It’s at the heart of the fall people take when they surrender to bad things like addiction. Their character fades. The beliefs and convictions that once ruled their life give way to utter selfishness. Whatever compass guided their lives disappears in a life devoted to doing only what they want to do. Everybody else in their life is the cause of their pain and suffering. Their brain thinks they deserve whatever they want. So they pursue whatever makes them feel good at the moment. But it never lasts…keeping them on the merry-go-round of always chasing, never catching.

The recovery of character, self-respect, and self-forgiveness are compelling reasons for not standing in the way of letting those we love hit rock bottom. Sadly, there are no signs to tell us “Welcome, You’ve Just Hit Rock Bottom.” But we know it when we see it. And it either kills us or helps us look up to see blue sky and work like crazy to get back up.