I don’t always use my head wisely. That’s what brings about the pounding, ducking headaches. It began - the pounding, that is - yesterday afternoon. Not a good Monday. It wasn’t even noon yesterday and regret had already set in. And set up. Fully. In concrete.
People who claim stress won’t kill you - they’re idiots. It will. Last night I was watching the national news on NBC. Tim Russert’s doctor talked about how hectic Tim’s schedule was, and how much stress he was under - but he pontificated that because Tim loved his work, it wasn’t a negative stress. And in no way did it contribute to his sudden death. Well, I don’t know how he can be so sure. How could any doctor theorize such a thing? I have no idea the stress that Tim Russert was under. I’m only slightly aware of the stress I’m under.
When I was younger I didn’t think there was much to stress. Now that I’m older, I know better. Stress will kill you. But I’m burying the lead. Regrets cause even more stress. Like I don’t have enough without creating my own. But that’s how it goes with regrets. Regrets are stress that you create. Regrets are all your own. Nobody else is responsible for your regrets. That makes them even more stressful.
It’s only Tuesday - Tuesday morning at that - and already I’ve got regrets. Plural. As in many.
Regret comes in a variety of flavors. There is the regret of not doing something, or not saying something. There is the regret of doing something, or saying something. My regrets run the full gambit. There are things I’ve done that I regret. I’ve said things I regret. I’ve neglected things - and I regret it. There are even things I’ve not said, and later regretted it. That last one is hard because I probably tend to say too much - rather than too little.
For a few weeks now I’ve not been myself. I suspect my recent regrets have something to do with not feeling very well, but that’s no excuse! It’s why I began talking about stress though. I suspect stress is the culprit of my not feeling so terrific - for the past few weeks or so. Stress leads to not using your head wisely. Not using your head wisely leads to more stress. All the while the regrets are piling ever higher. Now, I’m like a hamster stuck on a wheel. Going nowhere fast.
Some days you eat the bear. Some days the bear eats you. For weeks now, the bear has a clear advantage over me. The bear has had me in a number of submission holds. I’ve been close to tapping out a time or two, but decided against it. I don’t regret continuing the fight. I do regret saying things I shouldn’t have said. Doing things I shouldn’t have done. And as always, the neglect is regrettable. It’s only Tuesday.
Thankfully, I’ve got a big portion of the week to make up for it. Or to spiral down even further. It’s up to me to determine which it’ll be. My hand is on the stick and I’m pulling up as hard as possible.
