Jerry Lewis was once funny. Stupid, but funny. I’ve seen many of the Lewis and Martin classics. I confess that I’ve never seen this movie, “It’s Only Money.” Here’s a recap of the movie:
Lester March (Jerry) is a 25 year old orphan who operates a radio and television repair shop. Although he prides himself in his work, his heart is really in pursuit of becoming a private eye like his buddy and role model, Pete Flint (Jesse White). In the course of becoming a detective and television repair man, Lester is discovered to be the heir to a fortune. Suddenly Lester is the hunted, as the family fortune is up for grabs. Sight gags galore in the attempts on Lester’s life, and the happy ending as Lester and his bride drive off into the sunset.
Here’s a scene that I found posted on YouTube.
Okay. So it’s probably not terribly funny. Few people find money funny. Even fewer find losing money funny. Especially their own.
I’ve lost my share of money. Sometimes I’ve misplaced it. That’s bad. Worse is losing it by being stupid. It makes you feel like you’ve been kicked in the crotch. That’s how Jerry looks in this photo. I’ve experienced this pose before. Not often, but enough to be ashamed of my foolishness.
It’s only money. You’ll earn more. Hopefully. Even so some lessons in life are expensive. I admit that I’ve trusted people before – only to realize I’ve been duped. I’m not talking about a professional con. I’m talking about a legitimate person with a legitimate enterprise where an investment goes south. It happens.
This economy is not being kind to many of us. People are lamenting the results of their 401K. Stock portfolios look like those cliff divers in Acapulco. Real estate prices are falling. Gas prices are soaring. Economic life sucks. But it’s only money.
Some of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned have been expensive. Maybe that’s why they were valuable. They cost me so much! Or maybe that’s why I remember them. I don’t know.
I do know that I’m a cynic. And growing more so by the day. As a young man I remember a teacher telling me I was too young be to so cynical. She was an idiot. I never did trust her.
Today I realize I’ve not been nearly cynical enough. Years of losing various sums to people I trusted have taught me that my teacher was all wet. I wasn’t quite cynical enough. Then, or now.
Trust should never be given. It should be earned. Then tested 3 times (minimum). Then and only then should it be considered. Not given. Just considered. And tested 3 more times – over the course of at least 5 years total. Then, the scope of trust should be no higher than $100. That’s right. Six tests. Five years. One hundred dollars. It’s fair. It’s safe. Remember that equation:
6 tests + 5 years = $100 max.
After all, it’s only money. I’m learning valuable lessons. Earn your money. Invest it as wisely as possible. Never invest it with a friend, or an acquaintance. Never. If you lose your $100 investment after the 5 year testing period – realize that for $100 you got a 5 year education in how not to be foolish. Invest more – and you’ll learn the same lesson. It’ll just cost you more money. As for the loss of time – you’re really not losing anything. It’s not like your working on a slave ship for 5 years. You’re just waiting it out. What you’ll have to battle is the thought that you’re missing out by not investing. It’s a bad thought process that will cost you nothing, but time and money.
You’ll make more money by the things you refuse than the things you accept. Always. Book it. I’m right. I’ve got the tread marks on my back to prove I’m right.
Here’s just a sampling of idiotic things that have cost me money and provided little or no return. This list is not comprehensive. I lack the web space to fully capture my stupidity. However, this list represents a vast sum of money, that if invested in something that would garner a safe, conservative 6-8% annual return – would have earned me about $30,000,000 today.
- Hot rodding a car when I was a teenager (countless thousands)
- Stereo gear (a weakness I’ve long had)
- Books (way too many books)
- Music (what good is the stereo if you have no books)
- Software (countless pieces of software, including ridiculous numbers of updates – to software I bought, but barely use; gotta keep it updated, you know)
- Anything that goes in my garage (anything, including my car)
- Clothes (one suit, two dress shirts, three ties, one pair of dress shoes, two pair of jeans, 5 casual shirts and one pair of athletic shoes – it’s all I need; but I have more because I’m such a clothes horse)
- Toys (I have an awesome $100 laser pointer – I stand outside at night and blind airline pilots with it)
Some investments (it’s really an expense) are worthy of a stiff prison sentence. I should probably be in a prison for life for the stupid things I’ve purchased. And the stupid investments I’ve made.
I’m older now – and slightly wiser. So now my objective is to invest less time and money in foolishness. After all the mistakes I’ve made, I should be well on my way to incredible wisdom having learned too often the hard way. My advice is simple: keep your hands on your wallet and do not invest what you cannot afford to lose.
Better said, don’t invest it if losing it will make you want to commit a crime against the person you gave it to (that includes yourself). Think about it. It’s only money. Prison isn’t worth it. Prevent the crime before it happens.
