Wisdom

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Looking Into The Future

The debate will always be about how we prepare our children for an uncertain future. We’ll never have a very clear picture of what the future will look like. The citizens of the future – today’s kids – will not all find success. Some will fail miserably. Others will be wildly successful. The future will contain more than its share of both, just as the past has.

Other than luck, which some refuse to acknowledge, there are some components of fundamental, foundational knowledge which can lead to success. Even so, success isn’t formulaic. For every person who achieves wild success one way, there are perhaps millions who go about it in similar fashion only to fall on their face in defeat. Success never has been a one-size-fit-all deal.

Standing on a hilltop a grandfather shows his grandson the farmland, representing a past life for America. Sure, there are farms and ranches today, but it’s no longer the way of life for most Americans. Before that, we hunted and gathered. After that, we moved to the city to work in factories.

Today, the farm is twice removed from being our economic engine. We are now in an age where knowledge and information rule the day. And our jobs. Along with our way of life.

The future of our children demands what of our present schools? Quite a lot actually. Much of it is still unknown and under development for the simple reason that the future is unfolding before us as a live event. As with every generation before, we’re having to make it up as we go.

There is, however, a skill that I believe is going to be required of our children (and our grandchildren) if they’re going to have the opportunities to achieve. Accomplishment, achievement, fulfillment, happiness – all those things we consider part of success – have always required this skill. History is a wonderful teacher. It shows us our future like nothing else.

No matter the technological advancements, this one skill will help our children grow up into responsible adults capable of tackling the challenges of their day. Listen to today’s show and see if you don’t agree.

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I became a dad on August 17th, 1980 when my son Ryan was born. It happened again in November the following year when his sister was born, Renae. That’s her pictured with her own family (Max, Renae, Cale, Jake McAlister). Rhonda and I were blessed with a complete family – a son and a daughter. For more than two decades that followed, we were a foursome.

Nothing has more profoundly affected me like the moment I realized I had a child. I had never experienced anything like it. Nothing came close. It was overwhelming. Both times it happened to me.

I suspect I’m more sentimental than most guys. Shoot, I may be more sentimental than many women. That’s why I’m sitting here in The Yellow Studio – not recording, but writing – on the day before Father’s Day 2011. Thanks for visiting the site. I hope you enjoy the post. Happy Father’s Day!

Sometimes I’m given to wonder.

I wonder about many things. Most often a single phrase channels my thoughts.

“What if…?”

What if I had made a different decision back in college?

What if I had fallen in love with somebody else?

What if I had been born in a different city…or country?

Life seems so random, perhaps serendipitous. But lest you get the wrong idea, my wondering always concludes with a strong sense of thanksgiving.

You fall in love with who you date. You marry who you fall in love with. I was blessed to date, fall in love with and marry a woman who changed my life forever. For the better. She got the “for worse” part.

Men can’t possibly understand the magic of child-birth, but we experience our own astonishment. Astonishment at what our wives endure. Astonishment that little creatures enter our lives, changing us forever.

But tomorrow is Father’s Day. Mother’s Day was last month. And because I’m a father, and now a grand father, my perspective is decidedly male.

In 1980 I was 23. We’d been married almost 3 years when our first-born entered the world. A son.

I had no idea how to be a father. Or how to influence my newly born son. I was both horrified and excited. We all begin as novices. The road to expertise is uphill, arduous and full of potholes. Wear a helmet.

My failings could have been cataclysmic if not for my wife, and my ability to learn. I didn’t learn fast, but I did learn. I was sufficiently motivated to be a good father, but I didn’t know how. Not really. I was too ambitious at work, striving hard to climb the ladder of success. I was too impatient, especially after an 80 hour work week. I was too insecure, never feeling quite comfortable in my role – mostly never fully knowing my place. At times I felt lost, confused and I constantly worried that I’d fail. Some are inspired by success. Me? I’m motivated by the fear of failure.

Again, my favorite question haunted me. “What if…?”

What if I’m scaring my children for life?

What if they grow up to hate me?

What if I’m being too hard?

What if I blow up my whole family because I’m an idiot?

I pushed forward. I messed up way more than I got it right. Two things redeemed my fatherhood. Enormous love drove me. Responsibility compelled me.

Faith in God was first.

Communication was second.

Foremost, my fatherhood was driven by training my children to be good people, devoted to something bigger than themselves. God may not be important to you, but this is my story and there’s no way to leave God out of my story. Whatever insecurities I may have had as a young father – or may still have – I never wondered about my place in the world, or the place of my family. Nor did I ever wonder why I was here. By faith I was sure serving God was the primary thing. Our home followed the Gospel of Christ.

That’s an important fact because it determined every decision. Our direction as a family was always guided by it.

Clear, straight communication has always been my hallmark. It wasn’t part of me. It was who I was – and still am.

Baby talk didn’t happen with me. From the get go I talked with my children as though they had the vocabulary of a grown up. I told them what was important. I read to them. Expressively. I questioned them. I had to learn to listen better. I worked on it.

Only the most selfish dads aren’t influenced by their children. Thankfully, I wasn’t so selfish. Stupid? Sure. Stressed? Plenty. But I wanted to be a good dad. I just had to learn how and without the help of my kids, it would have never happened. Everything’s hard until it’s easy. Fatherhood started off really hard.

I needed the influence of not just one child, but two. I needed the influence of both a son and a daughter. Trust me when I tell you – one would not have made me the man I am today. For me, it was a two child job!

My children have profoundly influenced me:

• to become a positive impact in the lives of others.
• to become more tolerant and patient with others.
• to laugh harder, and more often.
• to cry, out of sympathy for others and out of shame for my errors.
• to hear their concerns, passions, dreams, desires and problems.
• to realize I don’t have all the answers, and that’s okay.
• to love somebody else more than I love myself.
• to look for opportunities to sacrifice so they can achieve more.
• to encourage more and criticize less.
• to more carefully watch my tone.
• to see a different perspective.
• to know it’s okay to mess up.
• to be more forgiving.
• to be more encouraging.
• to feel safe in occasional foolishness, even though I try hard to lean toward wisdom.

I’ve suffered no ill influences in fatherhood other than those imposed on myself. My children haven’t put any baggage on me. I wish I could say the same, but I suspect every parent burdens their children with baggage. Even if we don’t mean to. It just happens because being a parent is hard. You do have to learn to be an adult, and a parent.

My son and my daughter now know. They have children of their own. Which makes me a grandfather. Three times over now.

Grown children don’t represent graduation from fatherhood. Instead, you enter the Master’s Program. Along come grandchildren and you’re suddenly thrust into a Doctorate Program working toward a Ph.D. Well, that’s if you take the work as seriously as you should.

Grandchildren have influenced me greatly. For instance, I know now that raising and training children is a job best suited for the young. Parents are like hi-tech running shoes. Or cross-trainers.

I’m far too old. I’m like a comfortable pair of old work boots, not the latest hi-tech Nikes. Children need the influence of old work boots. Old work boots certainly need the admiration and loving care of grandchildren. We all go home winners.

People look at my family and declare, “You’re so lucky.” My usual response is, “No, I’m blessed.” And I am.

But my wife and I also worked hard for this. We put in the years of hard labor to teach our children well. We made more wise decisions than foolish. We ate crow when we messed up and did our best to course correct. Like you, we went to the school of life and made certain to learn all we could. Year after year we tried to figure out how we could get better. We cheered, cajoled, encouraged and rebuked our kids.

We started off rather clueless about all this kid rearing stuff. Now, we’re old pros. I’m infinitely more qualified to be a grandfather than I was a father. I’m also more qualified to learn what lessons my grandchildren are most certainly going to teach me.

A new generation entered my life about 4 years ago. The most recent, our first granddaughter, a few months ago. I have experience and wisdom to pass on. They have questions. Lots of questions. So do I. Together maybe we can find suitable answers.

The kids in my life entered brand new. Innocent. Completely naive.

I may not have been innocent when my children were born, but I was brand new. Clueless. Naive. I’m thankful for the influence they’ve had in my life. I’m a far better man because of them.

Grandchildren are a whole different matter.

I’ve been on the job for over 30 years as a father. Three decades later, I’m an old pair of boots. My kids, and now my grandkids hopefully find me comfortable, trustworthy, prepared, willing to sacrifice for them and reliable to do the work necessary to help them achieve their dreams. None of that would have happened without the influence of my son and my daughter.

I know it took longer than it should have, but new boots have to broken in by enduring a lot of hard work.

His name is Max. He’s my oldest grandchild.

This is Jake, he’s Max’s little brother.

Let brotherly love continue.

My son Ryan with his wife, Joanna and the most recent addition, Kinsley.

Happy Father’s Day To All The Dads Who Do The Work Well.

May you learn from your kids to do the work better because your kids – all kids – deserve it!

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What if questions are among the most powerful questions asked. Business people ask them. Inventors ask them. Researchers ask. Educators do, too.

When I was 23 or 24 I first read some information by Donald O. Clifton about finding what you’re good at and going with it. That was around 1980 – I only remember that because that’s the year my son, Ryan was born. Ryan is a co-conspirator here at Leaning Toward Wisdom. He’s a middle school teacher.

Then, around 1992, Mr. Clifton co-wrote a book entitled, Soar With Your Strengths. It was among the first books I’d been exposed to with this new idea of concentrating on our strengths as opposed to shoring up our weaknesses.

So began my own search for my strengths. Do you know yours? Do you ever wonder about your own life and ask, “What if…?”

The quest in my own life continues – and I’m now 54. About two weeks ago I found out about a new assessment produced by Marcus Buckingham‘s company, the StandOut Assessment. It costs $15, but I invested in it because I’m still quite interested in better understanding my strengths.

Today’s show contains some of my thoughts and ideas about helping our kids – all of our kids – discover their strengths and go with what they’re best at, and what they love most. There is no downside. No risk. Few things present such an opportunity. Most investments have a risk, but not this one. If we could help children find out what they’re gifted at and what they most love…well, if we could do that – everything would change. Everything would improve!

I have a few favors to ask. Please.

1. I hope you’ll join the LTW Think Tank. It’s without cost or obligation. We’re building a community of people willing to interact with us, help us and provide valuable feedback for us.

2. I’d also like to invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave us some positive feedback over at iTunes.

3. Lastly, leave me a comment. I’m interested in what you think. We need as much brain power in this quest as we can get. We have to work and think together if we’re going to improve preparing our children for the future.

Thanks for listening.

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Acclaimed New York Times columnist David Brooks explores new insights into human nature and the forces that shape our choices and actions. His new book, The Social Animal, was published in March, 2011. This presentation was made to the Royal Society for the encouragement of Arts, Manufactures and Commerce (RSA).

I confess that I have not yet read the book, but I found this presentation worthwhile. Exploration into how our minds work, and how we learn is always an interesting pursuit to me. I wanted to share it with you.

Have you read the book? What are your thoughts?

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