What’s the greatest power of a father?
The greatest power of a father in a family is his influence. Christian dads are supposed to be the spiritual leaders of the home. Dads are like other leaders in that they’re not always understood or well-liked. As leaders, dads see things not always visible to children. Their experience and wisdom reveals big picture dangers that escape the vision of most children.
Influence is sometimes best valued in hindsight. This week I heard Rusty Greer, a retired Texas Ranger baseball player speak fondly of manager Johnny Oates (now deceased). He said Oates was his best boss ever. He went on to recount the number of times he hated Oates at the time, and the number of times that he disagreed with Oates and how he often failed to understand why Oates behaved as he did. Now, an older, wiser and retired Greer said he really appreciated the things Oates did to help him become a better player.
Hindsight helps provide perspective. Greer learned that. Somehow you could sense that he only wished he’d seen it earlier, perhaps with Oates was still living. The influence of this father figure of a baseball team was still very much alive in Greer’s life though. Johnny Oates lives on in the life of Rusty Greer through hindsight influence.
I think that’s how it is with good fathers. Certainly with good Christian fathers.
It’s not easy to be a father. We face difficulties because of the expectations put upon us by others. The world we live in steers us in a certain direction and sometimes we get sidetracked.
Fathers provide. Some might even say that’s our greatest power. I know families where the father is viewed as nothing more than a working mule who brings home the paycheck. Sadly, some dads fall into that mold by committing all their energies to work and getting ahead. They want to do more for their family, materially. Love is displayed, they believe, by making sure their family has a nice house, nice toys, good cars and great educational opportunities. Time, love and guidance aren’t really part of the deal. Mixed up priorities overtake all of us from time to time.
Entertainment is such a monumental player in our world that sometimes dads get wrapped up in it, too. They show kids that there is always some new thing to do, some new place to go, or some new activity to engage in - the quest for more never ends. Many kids grow up so discontent with normal, everyday life that they’re almost disfunctional unless there is a constant supply of entertainment.
Fathers know kids grow up. They become independent. They go their own way. They make decisions for themselves. Good fathers hope to pass on their wisdom so their kids make wise choices in life. It’s not always possible because our children reach an age where they can do as they please. Their time with us is so short we crave opportunities to teach them so they don’t have to endure the pains we did. Sadly, sometimes kids don’t see it for what it is - valued instruction intended to help them grow. Rather, it’s an imposition. It’s a hassle. It’s a loss of perceived freedom to do as they please, go where they will and answer to no man.
Children at home give us options when it comes to influence. We can discipline them, even coerce them if necessary. Adult children are free from such things - even if we try to use the tools that worked for us in the past. A new stage presents challenges where influence is tougher to exercise. Ultimately, we learn we have little power over our children.
Memories may be among the greatest blessings of God. Just last night I read a statement that somebody made about fathers. To a person lamenting at how bad his father had been the fellow replied, “He didn’t toss you in a dumpster, did he? Maybe he just did the best he could. Get over it.”
Well, just because a dad doesn’t dump his kids in the dumpster hardly qualifies him for Dad of the Year. Even so, I do understand the point. As parents most of us do our best - struggling along the way to find the best way to teach our children the lessons of life. For Christians who are guided by the Bible, we’ve got an easier go of it. God’s Word gives us clear instruction about our role as parents and how to teach God to our kids. Still, parents learn as they go.
And all along the way we’re creating memories - influences. Some may be bad. Some may be good. Some may be void because of a missing dad. Whatever they are, we’ve all got memories and influences. Dads leave their mark in the lives of their children.
Rarely has a day gone by that I wasn’t aware of the pressing obligations of being a father. Like many younger fathers, I spent my fair of time chasing a career - trying to make something of my professional life. Yet, loving my kids was never difficult. I’ve seen many fathers who seemed to find it hard. I don’t understand that. I’m not a baby kind of person, but I clearly loved my own babies. And I thoroughly enjoyed each step of their progress. I seemed to enjoy each age more than the previous. I was never tempted to hang onto the past and keep them small. With their growth and maturity came even greater responsibilities for me to live up to be what they needed.
Age has taught me that fathers aren’t meaningless in the lives of their children. No matter how a father behaves - he influences the lives of his kids. My fatherhood has been spent wondering what memories of me will live on in my kids. Time will tell.
I’m not like most fathers. On one of my favorite TV shows, “Everybody Loves Raymond,” we see Ray’s dad, Frank behave as the stereotypical dad. He hates to talk. So does Raymond. He hates to show emotion. So does Raymond. He hates to show affection. So does Raymond. He’s surly. He’s smarmy. He’s self-absorbed.
I’m not saying I’m none of those things. But I’ll never be accused of hating communication. Nor will I be judged guilty of being emotionless. That may not be a good thing either. I’m not sure.
Words rarely fail me. I love words. Always have. Communication is vital to who I am - even though my communication isn’t always as clear as I’d like it to be. Through the years I’ve used words (sometimes to my own destruction) to build influence with my children. I came across some wisdom quite some time ago that I thought was relevant to managers as well as parents. It spoke primarily of parents. It was expressed as 3 rules:
1. Have a few rules.
2. Repeat them often. If your kids don’t mock you behind your back, you’re not repeating them often enough.
3. Behave consistently according to those rules.
I assure you - I repeated them often enough. I can be mocked to my face, muchless behind my back. Maybe I repeated them too often, if that’s possible. I do know that I’ll live on because of my words - good or bad. It makes the gravity of my words quite strong. That compels me to carefully weigh what I say, and how I say it. It also compels me to search for the proper words to convey the thoughts and emotions I have.
I have vivid memories of holding my kids when they were very small wondering what memories I was creating. Perhaps it was selfish on my part, but I worried about it then. I worry about it more today. They’re no longer small. It’s harder to tell the impact I have on their lives.
God was prepared to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah for their wickedness. God decided to clue Abraham in on His plans. His reasons are worth noting.
Genesis 18:19 “For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.”
God wanted Abraham to know so he could lead his children and all his house to follow the Lord. God paid attention to the responsibilities Abraham had as a father. He also knew Abraham would behave as a responsible father.
Often I wonder if God knows that about me. And if God would wonder about informing me of any decision (not that He does that today), would He inform me because He has confidence in my leadership as a father?
Hindsight influence is influence that may seem of little value at the time. However, with the passage of time greater wisdom along with clearer thinking comes into play. Rusty Greer looks back fondly at manager Johnny Oates. I wonder if he regrets that he didn’t gain the wisdom and clearer thinking while Johnny was alive. I hope to live long enough to experience what Johnny missed.
(I only claim to be leaning toward wisdom. It’s a work in progress. As always, some days I lean more. Some days I lean less.)
